Note 1

These Walls only are a challenge to me when I try to escape. Otherwise, I've grown accustomed to the constraints they've imposed on me. I find no necessity to leave. The pain I feel when I realize the situation I'm in, it's not worth it. Therefore, I've found it best to ignore them.

I sit alone, as always. Sipping slowly, on my deep red velvet wine. I only drink to keep myself busy, and if I didn't have something to drink, I would find some other activity to keep me occupied. Reading would pass time just as well, however it wouldn't provide me with time for my thoughts which sipping wine has proven so efficiently good at.

I don't find a point in discussions or outward expressions. I keep my thoughts to myself and don't share much to any real personal feelings with others. Inside these walls, it's been rather easy to get used to this. Within these walls, there isn't much challenging me for trying to escape. On the off chance I find myself craving attention, I put myself down. When I try to climb out the tall 50 foot walls, I find myself stuck with nothing to grab ahold of and slip easily back down. Respectively, I stay at the bottom where I belong. Inside the walled off city, inside this room, alone. There's nothing else to be expressed and it's easiest to leave my feeling alone and without attention. I don't want to get ahead of myself.

My temper has grown since I've come to reality with my situation. I find myself losing my head in the heat and expressing what I'm thinking in ways I don't want to. I can't relax till after the fact, and it's hard to come to terms with reality during. But by then, it's too late to fix my mistake. When I fall down the walls, it takes time to heal after hitting my head from such a distance. Sipping slowly on this wine—what I think I was made for— is truly the only peace I've found in my life. There is no point in living if there is nothing and no one to live for. However, as long as there is something or someone on this planet, or in this city where I abide, there will be something to live for. Therefore, I haven't reached the bottom yet, at least until these walls collapse upon me.

I fear pain. The day these walls collapse will be traumatizing. They will also let me free. I don't wish for that day to come, I'd rather stay within these walls forever. How ironic. I've grown so accustomed to this prison, I don't want to deal with the pressure which will arise from me being released. Having these walls is an excuse to never leave, and to never try. But, once they fall, I will be forced to leave and challenge myself on my own rather than be challenged by the walls. I won't be put down by the walls but would instead be stomping myself down. I fear what I will do to myself more than what these walls are doing to me now. If I was able to destroy these walls and escape this prison now, I would have enough strength to keep myself and live even once they fall. When this city dies, I will be long gone. That's the plan.

Once I finish sipping my wine, I will certainly be able to break free. Only then will I have peace. Only then.