95. Chapter 95

Meredith groaned when her pager went off for the eleventh time in the past six hours. With the ER quiet and her patients stable, she had first tried to crash in an on-call room at ten the night before, only to be paged the moment her head hit the pillow. After explaining to her panicking intern that the obviously breathing patient wasn't dead and simply had a disconnected lead, Meredith attempted sleep again at ten-thirty.

However, about fourteen minutes later she was paged again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

At a little after four in the morning, and Meredith had gotten less than an hour of sleep combined, and wouldn't be getting anymore.

"I'm sleeping!" She hissed into the dark as she wrenched her pager off of the waistband of her scrubs and stifled the urge to hurl it against the wall. "Stupid interns," she muttered, swinging her legs over the side of the small bed and jumping to her feet. Hopefully she could answer whichever ridiculous question her intern was asking, and get some sleep before rounds.

Unfortunately, she was very, very wrong.

She was paged by another intern before she even finished with the first. And by the time she finished with the second intern it was just about time for rounds. Almost twenty-four hours in, and she still had another twelve to go.

She'd reached a level of exhaustion she never wanted to experience again.

Callie paged her, and her fellow residents, with instructions to meet at the nurses' station on the surgical floor at 6:00AM for rounds.

Meredith groaned as she checked her watch. Eleven minutes until rounds. Just enough time to get a coffee. Reaching into her scrub pocket, she frowned, unable to find any money. She checked her other pocket, and then both lab coat pockets. And then she sighed heavily, remembering the espresso shot she had ordered at two-thirty in the morning when she had needed to supervise her intern doing sutures. In her exhaustion, she had forgotten to swing by her cubby to restock her pockets.

"Need some coffee money, Dr. Grey?" One of her interns, Dr. Green, asked, having obviously noticed her search. "I remembered what you said, and made sure to always have some with me."

Meredith shook her head, not able to bring herself to accept aid from her interns, regardless of how tired she was. Maybe she could sneak out of rounds for long enough to get to her cubby, or-

"Morning, Dr. Grey," Derek's familiar voice pulled her from her plans as he appeared in front of her, two large coffees in hand.

"Hey," she said in surprise, "You're early."

He kissed her on the cheek and passed one of the coffees into her waiting hand. "I have an early surgery."

"Thank you," she murmured, lifting her coffee to inhale the caffeine scented steam.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

She sent him a look.

He chuckled. "Enough said. But you're two thirds of the way there."

"Says the man who got to go home last night."

"Hey, I brought you coffee."

"Just...go to your surgery."

He chuckled again. "I'll catch up with you afterwards."

Meredith smiled at him as he walked away, but her smile faded when her eyes flickered back to her interns and she realized she had their undivided attention.

"Was that Dr. Shepherd?" The same intern who had offered her coffee money questioned, as if they were friends.

Meredith stared back for a long moment, debating how to handle the question. Yes, and we're obviously involved, but personal relationships with attendings are inappropriate. Very do as I say and not as I do. Yes, but it's okay, because he's my husband. Too personal. "Yes," she eventually responded, along with a curt nod to communicate to her intern that further questions were not welcome.

Moving away from her interns, Meredith strode up to the nurses' station desk. "Morning, Tina," she greeted the nurse sitting on the other side of the desk.

"Morning, Dr. Grey," Tina responded easily, "Or is it Dr. Shepherd now?"

Meredith hesitated, caught off guard. Apparently the news had spread. "Uh...I don't..." She cleared her throat. "I haven't decided yet."

Tina smiled at her. "Then we'll go with Dr. Grey for now. What can I do for you?"

"Could you pass me a few charts so I can give my interns something to review before rounds?"

"Is three good?"

She nodded. "Thanks."

Tina pulled out three charts and passed them across the desk. "Here you go. Oh, and congratulations."

"Thank you," she repeated, momentarily setting down her coffee and then pulling the charts off the desk and striding back to her interns.

"Here," she told them, passing them each a chart. "Read. Memorize. You might be asked to present."

She sighed as she walked back to the desk, wondering how she was going to get through rounds, let alone the rest of her shift, when walking back and forth from her interns to the desk was a challenge. After snatching her large, steaming coffee from the desktop, Meredith turned and leaned against the desk. She inhaled the strong smell of coffee as she watched her interns panic to memorize an entire patient chart in only minutes. Part of her felt bad for them, but then she remembered how terrified she had been on her first day. This was how they would learn.

With six minutes to go until rounds, Alex showed up with his interns. He barked at them to stay by the wall before joining Meredith at the desk.

She nodded tiredly at him, annoyed that he looked rested. "Why do you look like you got sleep last night?"

He shrugged as he leaned against the desk beside her. "Because I did."

"I hate you. I got paged a hundred times."

"Interns?"

"Mmm-hmm."

He scoffed. "Just ignore them. They need to learn. It's sink or swim."

"You ignored their pages? It's their first shift, Alex."

"I didn't ignore them. I just made sure they knew I was serious about rule three."

She laughed. "You're horrible."

"Maybe."

She yawned, despite her efforts to suppress it, and leaned against Alex. "You are horrible," she repeated, "But right now I feel like you have a point."

"Just twelve more hours."

"You realize that's like a shift and a half for a normal person, right? And we've already worked twice that?"

"Normal's overrated."

"Yes, but it involves sleeping."

"It's not my fault you spent your vacation in bed not sleeping."

"Alex!" She hissed, standing upright.

"What? Am I wrong?"

"Shut up." She took a sip of her coffee, avoiding meeting his eyes, because he wasn't wrong and there was nothing she could say to deny it.

He chuckled. "So."

"So," she echoed.

He bumped her shoulder. "You kind of took off earlier..."

"Yeah. I'm having a bad day...two days. And aren't you breaking your own rule to not get involved?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes you have to make an exception."

"I get an exception?"

"This time." He glanced sideways at her. "You're happy?"

She nodded.

"Are you going to make me look at wedding pictures?"

With a laugh, she shook her head.

"Does this mean I have to find somewhere else to live?"

She shook her head again. "Nope. We're going to move and leave the house to you guys."

"Then I'm happy for you."

Meredith giggled. "Does that mean if you had to move out or I made you look at wedding pictures that you wouldn't be happy for me?"

"It just means that I would be less happy for you..."

"You're an ass," she teased.

Alex shrugged, undeterred.

They fell silent, waiting as the final groups arrived, trying to seem prepared for the first grand rounds of the year.

George arrived next, followed quickly by Izzy. He joined Meredith and Alex at the desk, whereas Izzy remained with her interns, talking animatedly about something. Meredith had heard through the nurses that Izzy and her interns had actually saved the deer they had treated the day before.

Cristina arrived last, smooth and confident with less than a minute to spare.

"Do you think she made her interns wait around the corner with her so she would arrive exactly on time?" Alex whispered to her.

She giggled. "Probably."

"Definitely," George added. "I should have thought of that."

Cristina glanced at Meredith, and Meredith met her gaze. They stared back at each other until Callie strode, slightly flustered, into the center and announced the beginning of rounds.

They began in the direction Cristina had come from – no doubt part of Cristina's plan as well, as it put her in the front. Trusting her interns to keep up, Meredith caught up to her best friend, ignoring the wondering, wide-eyed glance from the brunette following Cristina. "Are you talking to me yet?"

Cristina scoffed. "You're the one that ran off last time we talked."

"We didn't talk," Meredith pointed out. "You yelled. That was about it. And I had to go; I had an arm."

"Whatever."

They arrived at the first patient room, forcing them to give up the conversation, at least momentarily.

"Who's presenting?" Callie asked.

Silence.

Meredith turned and glared at her interns, until the one with all the questions jumped as she realized she was holding the chart. "Come up here, Dr. Green," Meredith said quietly, taking pity on her nervous intern.

The intern slowly staggered past Meredith to the front of the group.

"It's okay," Meredith soothed, noticing the intern's slightly shaky hands. "You know what to say. Patient's name, age, condition and treatment plan."

"Uh, Jonathon Walters. Fifty-nine. Received a donor kidney three days ago."

Meredith nodded. "Post op day three from a kidney transplant," she corrected gently. "And condition?"

"Good."

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Meredith shot her a look. "Can you expand on good, Dr. Green?"

"Uh, the new kidney is doing well. No signs of rejection. Or infection. Labs are positive."

"And treatment plan?"

"Continue with post op antibiotics, heparin and anti rejection meds. Schedule the patient a meeting with a specialist to explain the rejection meds and get him on a program."

"Good. You can schedule that meeting after rounds."

Her intern nodded, relieved to be done.

"Great," Callie announced impatiently. "Maybe next time you can try talking loud enough that more than three people can actually hear you."

Meredith managed to bite back a smirk for the benefit of her intern, but couldn't bring herself to offer Dr. Green further support. Callie had a good point, and her intern had to learn. Meredith had received worse on rounds the year before.

They filed out of the room and headed for the next patient down the hall. Meredith caught up with Cristina again.

"So, are we going to talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about?"

"Are you seriously still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad."

"Could have fooled me."

They arrived at the next patient's room and entered first. Cristina's hand reached out and grasped onto Meredith's forearm. "I'm not mad," she repeated quietly. "I'm just... It took me by surprise."

Meredith saw a flash of pain in Cristina's eyes before her best friend released her arm and focussed on the patient as one of Alex's interns struggled through presenting for the first time. Cristina was hurting, despite her valiant attempt to mask the pain. Burke had forced her into a big wedding and had then proceeded to leave her at the church wearing the wedding dress, before disappearing. Of course she wouldn't want to hear about Meredith's vacation with Derek. And of course she would be caught off guard when she found out Meredith had gotten married on that vacation.

Meredith couldn't begin to imagine what she would feel like if the circumstances were reversed.

Alex's intern finished stammering through his presentation without any help from his resident. Callie glared at the intern and then Alex before leading the procession to the next patient.

"I'm sorry," Meredith told Cristina now that they were moving again.

"I don't want to talk about Burke."

"I'm not talking about Burke. I'm sorry you didn't find out about me and Derek from me. I mean, it's not my fault I didn't tell you, because I tried and you wouldn't let me, but I'm still sorry."

"I want you to be happy," Cristina responded, not glancing in Meredith's direction as if brushing her off. But her tone of voice gave her away. She was happy for Meredith, even if she couldn't say it right now. She was doing the best she could.

Meredith bumped Cristina's shoulder as they walked down the hall together, leading their interns. "You can't say it, can you?"

"Say what?" Cristina asked, guarded, as if she wasn't sure how far Meredith would push the issue.

"That you're sorry," Meredith said lightly.

Cristina shot her a look.

"You knew I had something to tell you, and you avoided me on purpose. You left the room and cut me off all morning. You definitely owe me an apology," she joked, knowing it was what Cristina needed. If the situation were reversed, Meredith would need Cristina to move on quickly and not hold a grudge.

"I was busy," Cristina shot back.

"Fine. But you yelled at me when you found out from someone else. That deserves an apology."

They reached the next patient, and Cristina used it as an excuse not to respond.

One of Izzy's interns presented, with their resident standing beside them giving constant feedback and encouragement.

"You can't physically say the words, can you?" Meredith hissed at Cristina after Izzy's intern was finished and Callie began leading them to the next patient.

"I can if I need to."

"I don't believe it. I've never heard you apologize before. Ever."

"I don't screw up."

"You screwed up this time."

"I did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

Callie spun around and shot them a dirty look. "Can you try and act mature this morning, for the patients at the very least?" She hissed, effectively shutting both Meredith and Cristina up for the remainder of rounds.

Meredith was smiling when rounds concluded. The caffeine from her coffee was kicking in, her friends were happy for her, she was a resident and she was married.

That was a pretty good combination, even if she had only gotten a few hours sleep in the past forty-eight hours with at least another twelve before she could get some sleep. She was a married resident with good friends and caffeine in her veins. She could handle anything.

"Meredith?" A soft voice – one she recognized immediately despite her unwillingness – sounded from right beside her.

"Mmm?" She responded, noncommittally, not even turning away from the computer screen that held the scans she was studying. She had been assigned to a pre-op, and had sent her interns to gather lab results.

"I, uh, was hoping we could talk," Lexie stammered. "I know yesterday didn't go so well...I blocked the ER doors and got in your way when you were looking for your arm- Not your arm. I meant your patient's arm." She laughed nervously. "Obviously you know where your arms are. I just thought that maybe now was a better time."

Meredith sighed and spun the desk chair so that she was facing the half sister she had just met the previous day. "It's not."

"Oh. Okay. You're busy. I get that. I mean, you're a resident. Of course you're busy. Do you think you'll be...not busy later? Or tomorrow. I'm off tomorrow. Maybe you are too? We could have lunch?"

"Tomorrow's not good either."

"Oh. I thought Dr. Webber said all of the second year residents are off tomorrow too."

"We are. It's just not a good time."

"Okay. Do you think maybe-"

"I don't think there's going to be a good time," Meredith said quietly but firmly.

"N-never?"

She shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"But you're my sister. I'm you're my sister. We're...sisters."

"But I don't know you. You don't know me. We're not sisters, Lexie. We're not family. If we were we wouldn't have met for the first time yesterday."

"But..."

"Just because we share some DNA doesn't make us family."

"Oh." She sounded crestfallen.

Meredith sighed, feeling guilty, despite the fact that none of this was her fault. But she felt bad for Lexie, because it Derek was right; it wasn't Lexie's fault either. If anyone was at fault, it was Thatcher. "I have a family. And you have a family. Let's just leave it at that, okay?"

"Okay," Lexie said quietly, her eyes flickering away from Meredith's. She remained, uncertain, for a moment, and then turned and walked away.

Meredith turned back to her patient's scans, ignoring the burning sense of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't get involved. She had been hurt by too many people in the last year. She didn't need to give the universe more opportunity to cause her pain.

With a firm nod, Meredith reminded herself that she had everything she needed. A family that consisted of supportive friends and a wonderful man who chose to be a part of her life. She didn't need or want someone in her life who felt obligated to know her and would stick around just long enough to hurt her.

She reached for the two rings that now hung on the chain around her neck. The metal was cool as she closed her hand around them both. They made her feel safe. Secure. Loved. She had everything she needed. She didn't need a sister.