55. Chapter 55

AN: First off, you can blame this delay on my power...or lack there of. The chapter was done and the power went out...Needless to say, I'm not amused. Second, huge thanks to everyone who has been reviewing and sending my such awesome feedback. I always try to respond, but something is going wonky with my e-amil account, and review alerts that I KNOW I deleted came back, and even though it doesn't usually let me, I'm CERTAIN I've responded to the same reviews several times... So, I have finally managed to empty my inbox, and need to start from scratch. So, for those of you I didn't respond to; THANKS! You're AWESOME!

"It's taking too long," Derek muttered without looking up. He was still sitting on the cold, hard floor of the hospital hallway, his knees bent up in front of him and his head in his hands.

Mark sighed from beside him and there was a pause as he reached a hand halfway towards his former best friend before he thought better of it and withdrew. "All it means is they're still trying. She's still fighting."

Derek nodded absently, having almost forgotten about Mark's presence. "She was so cold, so blue."

"That means the cold protected her organs."

Mark was good at offering answers in times like these. Although his responses now had much more medical knowledge behind them, his attempts of comfort still mirrored those from almost thirty years ago when he had sat beside Derek on the floor of the New York hospital, waiting for news on his dad. They had been so young then, but Derek still felt himself drawn back to that horrible day.

"Why does this keep happening?" He whispered.

This time Mark did reach across the expanse between them, his hand closing around Derek's upper arm for a long moment. "She's a fighter, Derek," he repeated. "I've barely talked to her at all, but it's obvious that she's been through more than most people. If anyone can fight this, she can."

"She has been through a lot," Derek whispered, tears once again springing to his eyes as he thought back to her revelations the night before. After all the crap she had been through in her life, she deserved to have something to look forward to. She deserved happiness. She didn't deserve this.

His breathing caught and he ran his hands up his face, his fingers tightening painfully in his hair. "She must have been so scared," he whispered, unable to imagine how terrified she must have been. It physically hurt him more than anything else ever had, just to think about what she must have gone through. What she must have felt, thought, experienced. How long had she managed to stay above water? Hell, had she managed to get above water at all after she had fallen? How much pain had she been in? What were her last thoughts? Had she realized what was happening?

"You can't dwell on that, Derek."

"The water was so cold," he continued, barley hearing Mark's words. "It was freezing. And she doesn't swim. And..."

"It's not important now. All that's important is that she's here and-"

"It is important!" Derek hissed. "I knew she couldn't swim. I knew."

"But you got her out of the water," Mark offered, missing Derek's point.

"Not soon enough." He should have realised something was wrong sooner. He should have pushed the little girl harder. He should have kept a closer eye on Meredith. He should have been enough for her. He needed to be enough for her.

"You got her out as soon as you could."

"She doesn't deserve this," Derek found himself whispering, veering off the current topic.

Mark, having spent almost his entire life as Derek's best friend, had no problem following the new tangent of conversation, even with the year long hiatus in their friendship. "No one does."

"No," Derek shook his head. "She really doesn't deserve this. If you knew half the crap she's had to go through in her life..." He trailed off. "She deserves to be happy. She deserves some good. That her last experience could be..." His voice broke and he couldn't speak anymore. A silent sob racked his body. His hands tightened even more on his hair, and he welcomed the pain.

"She knows you love her, Derek," Mark said quietly. "Even if most of her life has sucked, you've made the last year better. That's what counts, Derek. That's what you need to be thinking about."

Derek shook his head in his hands. "She can't die," he barely whispered. "She just...can't. I need her. I... Why does this keep happening?"

Mark took a deep breath. "It's not the same as..." He trailed off, unable to say it, even after all these years. Christopher Shepherd may not have been his actual father, but he had been as close to one as Mark had. He had lost a parental figure too that fateful day.

Derek finally lifted his head, and turned to meet Mark's eyes. And for a long moment it was easy to forget the past year and see Mark as they closest thing he had to a brother.

But the door across the hall from them opened, and Derek was on his feet before he could process what was going on. "How is she? Is her heart beating? I need to go in there-"

Miranda solemnly shook her head as she moved to block Derek's movement. "We're still working on her."

"But she's okay, right? Her heart is beating?"

She tightened her jaw, and it was all Derek needed to know.

His eyes stung as he shook his head. "She's not back, is she?" It felt like his heart was falling through his body, destroying all his other organs on the way.

"Derek..." She began softly.

"Has there been any change at all?" He asked weakly.

"We're still working on getting her temp up."

Derek couldn't remember ever being in so much physical pain before without an actual injury. His heart throbbed. His chest hitched, and suddenly he felt like he couldn't breathe. "Oh...God..." This was the worst part of being a doctor; you knew all the bad answers without even asking the questions.

Bailey reached out to clutch onto his forearm. "She's holding on, Derek. Give us time."

"I can't live without her," he breathed.

"Yes, you can. If you need to, you can. And right now, Derek, you need to take care of yourself."

"No." He shook his head. "I need to be here. I need to be with her."

"The best thing you can do for her right now is take care of yourself," she repeated. "You're going to get sick if you stay in those clothes, Derek. You need to go take a shower and get into some dry clothes."

"No," he tried again, still shaking his head.

"Meredith would want you to take care of yourself."

His heart clenched at the sound of her name.

"I need to get back in there, and I need to know that you're going to go take care of yourself."

"I don't know if I can leave her..."

"It's not leaving her, Derek. She knows you're here."

"I love her so much."

"She knows that too."

000

His clothes rumpled and his hair unkempt, Derek stumbled out of the attending locker room. His presence drew the attention of all of the medical personnel in the hall, and he avoided any eye contact, unable to handle the pitying glances.

Numbness was slowly filling his incapacitated mind. All he could think about was that morning...

Meredith padded back into the bedroom after her morning shower, immediately catching Derek's attention as she flopped onto the bed, her towel, which was wrapped tightly around her small frame, the only thing covering her.

Derek turned to follow her movements with her eyes, concerning lining his features as his fingers paused halfway through buttoning his shirt. "You okay?"

She huffed. "I'm fine. Just like I was five minutes ago."

He rolled his eyes in good nature. "I'm allowed to worry."

She lifted her head, one eyebrow raised. "Yeah, you're taking too much liberty with that..."

Derek laughed, stepping over to the bed and lowering himself down over her. "I am, huh?"

Meredith nodded.

He made a face. "Well, you did say I was your knight in shining whatever, so I guess I'll just have to find another way to make sure you know I'm thinking of you..."

"And how might you go about doing that?" She asked with a smirk.

"Mmm," he murmured. "Is this working...?" He ran his lips along her neck and clavicle.

Meredith hooked her hands behind his neck, burying her fingers in his hair. "This is definitely working."

He ran his hand up her side, and pulled at the edge of her towel. "Too bad we don't have more time before we need to leave for work..."

She moaned, but moved to catch his hand before he left her completely uncovered under him. "If you keep doing what you're doing, we'll be late."

He smiled sheepishly at her. "But it would be worth it."

"For you maybe. Bailey would kill me."

"Hmm, we definitely don't need that." He returned his lips to her neck. "I definitely like you alive."

"Mmm, you too. Especially when you're doing that," she moaned as his lips found the crook of her neck.

"We could just stay home today. Do this all day..."

Meredith sighed, drawing him away from her neck to meet her eyes. "That sounds suspiciously like you're trying to keep me from going to work because you're worried about me."

Derek pursed his lips for a long moment. "But you have to give me credit for doing a great job trying to circumvent your awareness of me being annoyingly overprotective..."

Try as she might, Meredith couldn't bite back her smile. "Derek..."

He pecked her lips. "I'm sorry. I just love you so much."

"Mmm, I love you too," she whispered, pulling his head down to kiss him.

"I'll try and tone it down a little."

She tilted her head, giving him a look.

"Fine; I'll tone it down more than a little."

She pecked his lips. "Thank-you."

"That's why I'm here."

He kissed her one more time before standing, bringing her up with him, conveniently leaving her towel on the bed behind her with an, "Oops..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because that so wasn't on purpose."

"Sometimes good things just happen."

"Good things, huh?"

He nodded, making a show of running his eyes over her naked body. "Very good."

She mock glared at him and snatched her towel off of the bed, hurriedly covering herself up. "We're obviously not going to be making it to work on time if you keep looking at me like that. At least one of us needs to be responsible."

He smiled warmly at her. "If you're naked, or even in just a towel, the responsible one will always have to be you."

"Good to know," she said wryly, but he still caught a twinkle in her eyes.

With one last peck on the lips, he turned back to buttoning his shirt, keeping one eye on his girlfriend as she dressed. She was absolutely captivating.

He was just pulling a sweater over his button up when she turned back to him, dressed in jeans and a purple sweater. "You're not moving very quickly this morning," she noted.

Derek shrugged. "You're a little distracting."

She sauntered up to him, running her hands up his chest to rest her palms in front of his shoulders. "You're a little distracting yourself this morning."

He cocked his head, snaking his arms around her waist. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Derek..."

He sighed. "I know. I'm being annoying. I'm sorry. But...I just need to know you're okay. Everything you said last night... And the surgery is today..."

Meredith leaned into him, resting her forehead against his chest, between her hands. "The things I told you last night...about my mother. I've never told anyone about that before, Derek."

He closed his eyes, leaning his head against hers. "Yeah, I kind of figured that."

She took a deep breath, breathing him in. "But those things happened a long time ago. Just because I told you last night doesn't make today any different for me. It's still something I've had to live with everyday."

"But your mother said things yesterday. Lucid things."

"Yeah, well, I'm doing my best to shut those things out. I need to get through today, Derek."

He closed his arms tightly around her, needing to hold her close. He couldn't begin to grasp what she had gone through in her life; the horrors that he had never experienced, even with his father's murder. All he wanted was to hold her close and make all of the bad stuff disappear, to replace all of her negative memories with positive ones. He wanted her to know nothing but love for the rest of her life, no matter how irrational that was.

"Oh, Meredith..."

With a deep breath, she pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. "I'll be okay, Derek. Today will probably suck, but I'll get through it. I always do."

He ran a hand over her cheek. "How can you be so strong?"

"I'm not-"

"You are," he insisted. "I can't believe how much she put you through, and that you're still the amazing woman that you are."

Her eyes welled and she avoided his gaze, but he used his hand to guide her gaze back to his eyes.

"I just love you so much."

"I love you too, Derek."

He closed his arms around her again and breathed her in. "Why don't we go out to dinner tonight? After she's out of surgery, and we know things are fine? It'll give you something to look forward to. You can even pick the place."

She raised an eyebrow. "So, you're saying you'd let me choose the pizza place?"

His lips twitched, but he managed to not smile. "Well, I'm saying I'd prefer you choose the steak place. Or the Italian place. But if your heart is really set on pizza, that's where we'll go..."

Her eyes twinkled as she cocked her head. "Wow, you must be really worried about me. You never accept the pizza place without a fight."

"I just really love you. And maybe I'm learning to pick my battles," he retorted. "When you want pizza, you get pizza. I never win that argument."

She laughed, her first true laugh of the morning. "Good point."

He made a face.

"I think going to dinner is a good idea, Derek," she conceded. "Thanks."

Derek smiled warmly at her. "Like I said; I'm your knight in shining whatever."

She snorted before laughing again. "You're really stuck on that term, aren't you?"

"Hey, that's what you dubbed me."

"When I was high."

"I'm still going with it."

She was still laughing as she shook her head. "We need to get going."

"We do," he agreed, turning towards his bed side table for his cell, pager and blackberry, only for Meredith to catch his arm. And before he knew it, her arms were wrapped tightly around is neck.

"Thank-you for being here, Derek," she whispered fiercely.

"There's no where else I'd rather be," he said honestly, hugging her back just as tightly.

"You're just here," she continued. "You're here all the time. And you say all the right things."

"That's because I'm dreamy," he deadpanned.

She laughed and pulled back to meet his eyes, her arms still hooked around his neck. "Whatever."

He rolled his eyes in good nature, before sobering and reaching a hand to brush a few hairs behind her ear. "We'll get through today," he promised. "We'll get through today and tomorrow will be better."

He couldn't get his mind off of what he had promised her only hours ago, of all the things they had said. He had promised her dinner that night. He had promised her a light at the end of the tunnel.

He had never expected the tunnel to end so suddenly, to cave in, with the chance of light finding her so dim.

Things had been so good that morning; not perfect, not easy, but good. They had had a hard night, but they were fine. Despite their tiredness, they still went through their normal morning routine, complete with their easy banter. It all seemed so...perfectly normal.

And his throat tightened at the thought that today could have been the last morning he would spend with her, the last time he would wake up beside her.

He had promised her a lifetime. And he had let her down. He hadn't found her soon enough.

Maybe if he had found her on his first dive.

Maybe if he had realized she had disappeared sooner.

Maybe if he had convinced her to stay in bed with him all day.

Maybe if he had taught her to swim like he had promised.

He had promised.

But still, when she needed to have the skill she hadn't. And it was his fault. He had known she didn't swim, and she had trusted him to teach her.

And he had let her down.

He had let her down when she needed him the most.

A nurse whose name he would usually know passed him in the hall, sending him a smile half filled with support and half with pity. He barely managed a nod of acknowledgement before his heart began to beat overtime, and he was overwhelmed with the need to be invisible, to be somewhere where no one knew him.

He couldn't handle the knowing glances anymore. And he definitely couldn't handle sitting outside Meredith's trauma room, unable to be with her, to help her. It was taking far too long, and the odds of watching Bailey exit the trauma room to tell him of his girlfriend's death were rising fast. He couldn't be sitting on the floor when that happened.

With tears in his eyes, Derek headed down to the clinic to sit with the other family members waiting for news on their loved ones. It was the one place in the hospital where he could be invisible.

AN: So, a little Mark/Derek friendship fixing. And a lot of Derek wallowing. But don't worry, because Derek isn't going to wallow long. And, to answer a few questions about last weeks episode; I loved it! Mer FINALLY let Derek be there for her. And Derek is being awesome and fixing Mer and Cristina's friendship. And his line about Mer freaking out showed how much he understands her. The only thing I would like to have seen would be Derek's reaction to Mark's...predicament. lol – that would open so many comments about karma and such...

Next chapter is well under way!