52. Chapter 52

AN: Just to clarifying something from the last chapter that, no matter how many times I re-write the damn thing, never seemed clear... On the show I feel like Meredith was looking for validation from her mother, was looking for love, because she felt unloveable (at least to a degree – even with Derek, seeing as the only time she said it he left her for Addison). However, in this universe she's much more secure and knows that at least one person (Derek) loves her, so it gives her validation. It gave her the confidence to stand up to her mother.

Also, I was taken by the way Ellis (to Richard in the show) said that she wanted to be happy 'like Meredith says she's happy.' This is really where her talk with Derek came it. I always thought Derek should have at least tried to stand up for himself and Meredith, and that Ellis would respect that. It wasn't so much that she was being nice to Derek in the last chapter, just more tolerant. (If this confused anyone, and you can tell me what I could do to be more detailed in this part of my writing, I would really appreciate it! I'm trying to work on my writing so that I could (maybe/hopefully) do this for real one day.) Thanks!

"Meredith!"

Meredith turned at the sound of her name to see her best friend hurrying down the hall towards her.

"Seriously, Meredith, you're not easy to find today," Cristina complained.

Meredith shrugged. "You could have paged me."

"Well, I assumed you'd stick close to your mother's room, and..." She trailed off as she noticed Meredith's attire. "I thought the Chief gave you the day off?"

Meredith ran her hands self-consciously over her scrubs. "Yeah, well, that was before he and an entire surgical team passed out from a toxic patient."

"What?"

She sighed and quickly explained the situation to her friend.

"Cool. And you get to help?"

Meredith sighed again. Only Cristina would think this whole thing was cool. "Well, I'm trying to help. By the time I got there everyone was being taken care of. So there's not much to do now..."

"Good."

"Good?" She raised an eyebrow.

Cristina nodded. "You need to go talk to your mother."

And exasperated noise escaped Meredith's lips. "Why does everyone think I need to talk to her?"

"Because she wants to kill herself."

Normally Meredith would overlook Cristina's crude comment. Normally she would be able to read between the lines and understand what was really being said. Normally Cristina could say anything without Meredith blinking an eye.

But this was not normal. "She what?" She asked, her heart clenching as she flashed back to being five years old. The pain, the confusion, the fear. The blood.

Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Cristina shrugged, not noticing Meredith's reaction. "She needs a radio-ablation, but she wants to turn it down. I told her it was your decision, but she wants to talk to you about it."

"She doesn't want it," Meredith whispered.

"Nope. And I guess I can see where she's coming from. I probably wouldn't want to live either if I couldn't be a surgeon anymore. But you'd think someone like Ellis Grey would have a little more faith in the medical community. Hell, she wouldn't even notice if twenty years went by. There's really no downside for her..."

Meredith stopped listening to her best friend as the words became harder and harder to hear. Her mother didn't want to live. Her mother wanted to actively stop something that would save her life.

Her mother wanted to die.

Again.

And she thought Meredith was ordinary.

"Meredith? Are you even listening to me?"

She nodded numbly. "Yeah."

Cristina huffed. "It doesn't seem like it."

"Whatever. Just tell her..." She trailed off as she realized she had no idea what to say.

"No, I'm not telling her anything. You need to talk to her."

"Why?"

"Because she's your mother," Cristina said simply. It was odd to Meredith, to hear such a simple statement regarding family come out of her best friend's mouth. Cristina didn't tolerate her own mother.

She sighed heavily. "Fine."

"Good. Just page me after. I'm going to go see what's going on."

Meredith nodded absently as Cristina hurried to find out more about the situation in OR2. The last thing she wanted to do was confront her mother and discuss reasons to live.

She hadn't been enough the first time.

A sob threatened to escape her lips, but she swallowed it. She still had to be fine.

Whatever this day threw at her, she had to be fine.

000

Ellis was only feet away. All Meredith had to do was swallow her fears and enter the room she had left in shock two hours prior. With a deep breath, and a prayer to whoever may be listening, Meredith pushed open the door.

Her mother's eyes snapped up at her entrance. "Ah, you've finally decided to come back."

Meredith swallowed hard. "I was...helping," she muttered, waving a hand at her outfit. "There's a...situation with a toxic patient..."

Ellis paused as she took in Meredith's new attire. And then she nodded approvingly. "You look good in scrubs."

She hesitated, not wanting to fall for any more niceness from her mother. She had been crushed earlier, and couldn't handle that again. "Thanks."

"But we both know you came here for a reason."

Meredith nodded numbly, not wanting to be having this conversation. "Cristina told me about the radio-ablation."

"It should be my choice, Meredith."

"You signed power of attorney over to me," she pointed out. "I had to get a notary and a psychiatrist to attest to your mental ability and everything, so it's not like I-"

"I don't care what you did or didn't do, Meredith. I'm lucid now, and perfectly capable of making this decision. And that means you should respect it."

"Normally, I would agree. But I don't think refusing surgery is what you want to do..."

"Apparently what I want doesn't matter!" Ellis snapped. "It isn't even legally binding. So it's really about what you want, Meredith. You're in charge."

Meredith felt tears well in her eyes for the umpteenth time that day. She wished more than anything that she would wake up in Derek's arms to find this was all just a horrible dream. She finally turned to her mother. "You think I like making these decisions for you? Do you think it's fun to get calls from the nursing home asking if it's okay to change your medication? Asking if I'm planning on giving the nurse, who changes you every morning, a Christmas tip? No. It's not," she practically spat, gaining courage from her mother's silence. "But I do it. I do it because there is nobody else, because you have managed to alienate everybody else in your life. And I am all that's left. So, I have to step up and do it."

"Then let me refuse the surgery," Ellis cut in. "If I'm such a hassle-"

"No!" Meredith demanded.

"Why not?"

"Because killing my mother will not be another thing that happens to me."

Ellis sighed, exasperated. "You wouldn't be killing me, Meredith."

"Yes, it would. This isn't like sighing a DNR for you. This is actively refusing a simple procedure that will save your life."

"What life, Meredith? I don't have a life. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. What's the point in prolonging this?"

A sob bubbled up inside her, and she was barely able to pass it off as a cough when it forced itself out of her chest. "You've thought that before," she practically whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

"Meredith, I told you I didn't want to talk about any of that."

This only fuelled Meredith's arguments. "You want to know why I'm so unfocussed? So...ordinary?" She practically choked on the term. "You want to know what happened to me? You. You happened to me. Not Derek. Not my friends. You."

"Meredith, honestly, stop being so melodramatic."

She shook her head, tears now spilling onto her cheeks. "You crushed every hope and dream I ever had. You taught me love and friendship didn't exist. You never talked to me about anything important. You never showed up for anything important. You sat back when..." She trailed off, unable to continue.

"No one's childhood is perfect, Meredith."

"Most children don't have to see what I did," Meredith whispered. "Most children hear their parents tell them they love them."

"I raised you to be different."

"Extraordinary. I know. And apparently I've disappointed you."

"Meredith-"

She was freely crying in front of her mother now, but the woman already thought she was ordinary, so she doubted she could say anything too damaging. "And I'm sorry I'm so ordinary to you. But even if I have friends and am blindly in love, I'm still a surgeon, and I thought that would mean something to you. I went to Dartmouth and I got into the same surgical program as you. And even if it's been hard, I love the program."

"I'm just saying that you need to have priorities, Meredith."

"You know what I've discovered about your priorities? They're wrong. They're flat out wrong. Do you know what it's like to actually celebrate a holiday? To have someone to go to when you've had a bad day? To have someone tell you how much they love you? Do you have any idea how important those things actually are?"

"They're not important for everyone."

"Well, they're important for me," Meredith stated. "They're important now, and they always will be. And you raised me not to believe in any of, which means I can't help but feel guilty for saying these things to you, which is completely stupid. But it's how I feel. And regardless of the fact that you've done and said horrible things to me, you're still my mother." Meredith hesitated slightly before continuing. "You're my mother, and I love you."

Ellis didn't speak. She sat, shocked by her daughter's admission, for several moments; it wasn't a term that had ever been voiced between them. And when she finally looked like she was going to respond Meredith held up a hand.

"Please don't say anything. I don't want to hear you say something else. And I don't want to hear you say it back, because I know you wouldn't mean it, because you don't believe it. But just know...that I believe in it, and I mean it. Because you're my mother."

"And you're my daughter," Ellis responded.

Meredith nodded, knowing that would be the closest she would ever get to hearing what she had spent her entire childhood wanting.

"But Meredith, about the surgery..."

She shook her head. "I can't. I just...can't." And with that she turned and left the room.

000

Back in her street clothes, with her damp hair up, Meredith staggered out of her mother's room for the third time that day. The first she had been numb and confused, the second defeated, but now she was...there wasn't even a word for what she was. It had taken her so much effort to find the strength to go back to her mother, to explain why she wouldn't let her refuse the surgery. But it had all been a waste. Ellis Grey was gone again.

And all Meredith wanted to do was curl into a ball and make the rest of the world go away.

She needed to find Derek and go home.

She had heard the individuals still recovering from their neurotoxin exposure were being housed in the clinic, so she headed there. It had been terrifying to watch Derek collapse in surgery. And she hadn't seen him since she had assured herself he was okay and let him be wheeled away.

Now she needed to see him. She needed to be near him. Regardless of where he was, or what he was doing, or who was around.

The clinic was full of hospital staff who had been exposed to the neurotoxin, as well as nurses who had been brought down from the hospital floors to watch over them. She didn't see Derek anywhere and her heart clenched in sudden anxiety and dread. He couldn't not be okay. She couldn't handle that today.

"Oh, Dr. Grey. Have you come down to help?"

Meredith blinked as she turned to face a nurse whose name she would normally know. She slowly shook her head. "No. I... Is Derek here, uh, I mean Dr. Shepherd... I came looking for Dr. Shepherd. I thought everyone exposed was here."

The nurse offered her a sympathetic smile. "They didn't bring him down here. But I did hear that some staff were being kept up on two."

Meredith nodded her thanks and numbly following the corridors back to the elevators, barely even able to feel guilty for not helping. And she didn't even notice she had boarded the elevator until the doors were opening to the second floor.

She had never found herself so disoriented in the hospital before.

"Dr. Grey? Are you okay?" Asked another nurse whose name she would normally know.

Meredith blinked twice as she processed the concerned words. "I...I'm looking for Dr. Shepherd..." She stammered.

The nurse offered her a supportive smile and nodded. "He's just around the corner," she said, pointing to the left. "And he and Dr. Burke are doing just fine."

"Thank-you," Meredith breathed, feeling as if her lungs could expand again. She followed the nurse's directions, and felt more relief than she knew possible when she spotted Derek down the hall, sitting up on the edge of a gurney, joking with Burke and Addison. He had an oxygen mask in his hands, but didn't seem to be using it.

Like she was a magnet, his gaze shifted in her direction and he smiled. But his expression quickly grew concerned as she approached. "Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?"

She just stared at him, reaching a hand out to grip his arm, assuring herself that he really was okay.

He hesitated. "Your mother?"

She shook her head.

He understood. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head again. She couldn't do this here. Not in the middle of the hospital. Not with his ex-wife feet away. "Are you okay?" She croaked.

He offered her his best McDreamy smile. "I'm good."

Meredith smiled back, feeling the numbness fade away. "Good. You weren't all that conscious last time I saw you."

He lifted a hand to her face. "I knew you were there. It made me feel better."

It was too much for her, and tears suddenly threatened to spill over her lower lids.

"Oh, Mer," he said apologetically. "I'm so sorry."

She shook her head, wanting to pull away and hide, but he pulled her down onto the gurney next to him and wrapped his arms around her.

Clutching at his scrub top, she buried her face into his chest and tried not to sob.

His hands found her back, and he ran them up and down her spine, calming her. "I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"You too," she whispered, breathing him in. It never failed to shock her just how much she needed him at times like these. And it never failed to surprise her how much she liked having him there, how not scary it was to rely on him.

His lips pressed against the top of her head. "Why don't we get you home?"

She finally found the strength to lift her head. "But you're still on oxygen..."

He waved off her concern. "I've barely been using it."

She narrowed her eyes; she wasn't about to let him belittle his own health so that she could break down at home instead of at the hospital. "Really?"

He nodded. "Would I lie to you?"

"About this? Absolutely."

He smirked and pecked her lips. "You know me too well." He was trying to keep the conversation light for her, and she loved him for it. He was going to help her get out of the hospital without breaking down.

"Okay."

He smirked again. "I just need to get changed, but you can come and watch if you want..."

She rolled her eyes, but followed his movements as he stood. There was no way she was going to let him out of her sight right now.

000

It took the better part of an hour for Derek to get changed, sign off on the one patient he had had that day, and get himself and Meredith home. The relief Meredith had felt when she had collapsed onto the passenger seat of Derek's car doubled when she finally set foot in the door of her house.

The car ride home was spent mostly in silence. Derek seemed to understand that she needed to be at home before they discussed anything. He did, however, make sure to grip tightly to her hand for the majority of the drive, which Meredith was exceedingly grateful for.

It made her feel loved.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Derek questioned.

She shook her head as she took off her shoes. The thought of being in the kitchen made her nauseous.

"Do you want...anything?"

She looked up at him, her heart constricting at his concerned expression. "Just you," she whispered.

He smiled at her words and took her hand as he led her upstairs to their bedroom.

Meredith pushed open the door, immediately stripped down to her underwear and crawled under the covers. Derek was obviously concerned as he followed suit in stripping down to his boxers and crawling into bed beside her.

"Meredith," he whispered, concern lining his voice as he shuffled close to her.

She lay on her back, staring upwards at the ceiling. The numbness was back, filling her mind and making her head feel heavy.

His hand found her abdomen and rubbed back and forth, trying to offer her some comfort. "It's okay to not be fine now, Mer," he reminded.

She nodded, still not turning to look at him, and the ceiling became blurry as tears filled her eyes.

"Do you want me to start?" He offered, his voice forcefully light. "I'm sure you'd love to hear what your mother had to say to me..."

Meredith finally managed to turn her head towards him, grateful for what he was doing for her. He would wait until she was ready to speak. "I guess you couldn't help yourself."

"I got personal," he admitted. "But in my defence, your mother is very good at creating a false sense of security."

"That's what I've been telling you. What did she say?"

"Apparently I'm intimidated by you, because you're my equal. And I'm only looking for someone to admire me."

Meredith laughed weakly. "Is that better or worse than her calling you a stammering idiot?" She asked, referring to one of the times he had accompanied her to the nursing home and Ellis, believing him to be one of her interns, had laid into him.

He laughed. "Worse, because this time I can't say it's the Alzheimer's speaking. She also tried to kick me out of her room."

"Why?"

"Well..." He hesitated, "She seemed to think I was only looking for one thing from you, and that I didn't care about the damage I did to you."

Meredith snorted. "How can she say that? She did so much damage to me that I doubt there's anything left for anyone else to damage, certainly not you." She shook her head, and missed the looked of pride on Derek's face at her words. "And she kicked you out?"

"Tried to," he repeated. "I stood my ground."

She cocked an eyebrow. "What did you say?"

"I just told her how much I loved you, and that I wasn't going anywhere. I think we came to an understanding."

"She decided she liked you?"

"Mmm, not exactly. More that we didn't like each other, but that I wasn't going anywhere. She did ask me some questions about myself. Wanted to know where I went to school and stuff. And...she asked me if I planned on marrying you."

Meredith looked at him in surprise. "What did you say?"

He met her eyes dead on. "I told her yes."

She nodded, feeling tears run down her cheeks. He really loved her that much, really wanted to marry her. "Good," she whispered.

Derek smiled. "She also asked if I was there for her blessing, and I told her no, that you would kill me if that was the case."

"Good," she repeated, louder than before. "I would have." And it was the truth. If her world didn't feel like it was spinning out of control right now, she would probably be annoyed at him for going against her wishes and getting personal in the first place.

"And that's about it," he whispered. It was her cue to talk.

She nodded several times, ignoring the tears that streamed steadily down her cheeks.

"Mer," he prompted tenderly, shuffling himself closer so that he was on his side, right beside her, his arm hooked around her waist. He was propping his head up, and his chin was brushing against her shoulder.

"She...called me ordinary," she whispered.

He laughed, not understanding how much impact those words had for her. "Ordinary? Seriously? You're so far from ordinary, Meredith, I couldn't even tell you..."

She tried to smile at his words. They were comforting, even if he didn't understand. "I'm supposed to be extraordinary," she mumbled to herself.

His breath was warm against her cheek as he snuggled even closer. "Mmm, extraordinary barely even begins to describe you. You're definitely an outlier." He pressed his lips against her cheek. "And I love you for it."

The dam inside her gave way, allowing a current of memories and emotions to cascade through her cortex and limbic system, bumping and smashing against each other as wave after wave of pain washed over her. There were some things from her childhood that she never let herself think about. And this was number one.

"Meredith?" Derek's concerned voice flooded her brain. He was clueing in to her reaction. "Mer, what's wrong? What did I say?"

A sob escaped her mouth, and then another. And another. She turned onto her side, facing him, and buried her face in his chest. "I...I...I..."

"Shhhh," he soothed. "Don't try to talk now. It's okay. I love you and I'm here."

She had no idea how much time passed as she cried into his chest. He held her close and rubbed her back and whispered comforting phrases into her hair. Everything inside her hurt so much, but he was making her feel better. He was keeping her grounded, was reminding her she wasn't alone.

When she could finally begin to breathe normally again her chest hurt, her heart ached and her throat was raw. Her face felt puffy and hot, and she couldn't even bring herself to meet his eyes when she spoke. "She thinks I'm ordinary." Her voice was flat and defeated.

"Then she's insane," he countered. "No one in their right mind could ever see you as ordinary." His words were stern and confident. He recognized the importance of the term, even if he didn't know its origins.

"But she's supposed to think I'm extraordinary. It's what she told me. It's the only thing that was important to her."

"When?"

Another sob bubbled inside her at his question. This wasn't something she had ever expected to tell anyone about. This was the darkest memory she had, and the thought of sharing it was terrifying. It would make it more real. It had been buried inside of her for so long, but now it was pressing against the confines of her mind, waiting to be exposed. And she was terrified.

"Meredith?"

"It was the last thing she said to me..."

"Today?"

She shook her head.

"Then when?" He asked, pulling away enough to meet her eyes. His were lined with concern and love. He was trying so hard to understand.

"When I was five," she stammered. "It's the last thing she told me before...before..." She hiccupped painfully as another sob tried to escape. Derek's face was a smorgasbord of emotions; shock, worry, anticipation. He knew something bad was coming.

"Before what?" He whispered.

She shook her head, unable to form a single word. Her chest ached as her diaphragm contracted, preventing her from breathing properly.

"Oh, Mer..." He murmured, raising a hand to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay."

"No," she gasped. "It's not okay. Nothing about this is okay. I can't be ordinary, Derek. I can't. I can't. I can't."

"Shh," he soothed, cutting her off before she started hyperventilating. "You need to breathe," he murmured. "You're starting to scare me."

"I'm sorry," she cried, guilt flooding her. She was a whiny, pathetic mess, and now she was scaring her perfect boyfriend because she couldn't even talk.

"Hey, it's okay," he assured, noticing her reaction immediately. "I'm always going to worry, Meredith. It's my job."

"Promise me," she demanded, latching onto only a part of his words.

"That I'm always going to worry?"

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Just the always part."

He clicked his tongue. "I thought the always part was kind of obvious now."

"That was before I was ordinary."

"Meredith, look at me," he demanded. "I need you to open your eyes."

She did so, slowly.

He smiled tenderly at her, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears from under her eyes. "I love you, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, whether you want me or not, so stop worry about that. I don't care what your mother told you today, Meredith, but you don't have a single ounce of normal in your entire body."

Her diaphragm relaxed and she was able to take a deep breath again. The integrity of his tone and eyes gave her the strength to believe him.

He cocked his head as best he could from his position. "Tell me what happened when you were five," he whispered.

Her heart was constricting painfully, but she knew she could tell him. "My mother tried to kill herself," she whispered back.

Derek's mouth part in a gasp, but no air actually came out. He remained silent as he waited for her to continue.

She took a shaky breath. "It was after Thatcher left, a couple weeks after Richard dumped her in the park. She brought a scalpel home from work one day..." New tears flooded her eyes as she relived the horrible memories.

"Fuck, Meredith, I'm so sorry," he offered, wrapping both arms securely around her and pulling her to his chest. There was more to the story, he knew, but he needed her to be closer. He hadn't been lying when he told Ellis that Meredith's unhappiness caused him physical pain.

Pressed up against his warm body, with his strong arms around her, Meredith felt safer than she had since her phone had rung that morning. I was playing on the floor in the kitchen. She sat beside me and made me promise that, no matter what happened, I wouldn't call nine-one-one. She made me promise."

"It's okay," he murmured, rubbing her back.

She gasped for a breath. "And then she slit her wrists. I...I can still see the look on her face. So clinical. So silent. She didn't even flinch. And there was so much blood. So much. It was everywhere. And I was terrified. I knew what it meant."

"What kind of a person would do that in front of their child?" He muttered.

Meredith swallowed hard. "And she sat there, bleeding, and looked me right in the eye. And she told me to be extraordinary. Be extraordinary, Meredith," she mumbled absently.

He sighed noticeably as he absorbed the knowledge of just why Ellis's words had such an impact on her.

"After she passed out I called nine-one-one. And I got dish towels and tried to stop the bleeding. I...I knew enough to try and stop the bleeding... I knew to use pressure... And the paramedics showed up. And they wouldn't let me help..."

"My God," Derek whispered. "You must have been terrified."

If she hadn't already spent so much time crying, she would have burrowed herself deeper into Derek's chest and cried and cried and cried. But she didn't have any tears left. Slowly, she pulled back to meet his eyes. They were bluer than she could ever remember.

"I'm so sorry that had to happen to you, Meredith."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Me too." She ran her hand absently along the thin space of fabric between them until he pulled an arm away from her to catch her stray hand, entwining their fingers together.

"I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

"What happened after?" He ventured.

"They took her to Mercy West. She threatened to sue the hospital if word ever got out. And then she moved us to Boston to get away."

"I meant...what happened with you?"

Of course he would wonder. "Uh...they took me to the hospital with her, but wouldn't let me stay with her when we got there. They left me in a doctor's lounge for a long time as they waited for social services. I...I can remember sitting there. I was alone. And terrified. And still covered in her blood. I think they were afraid to talk to me. Eventually a social worker showed up. She had some clothes for me to change into. They were too big. I can still remember that I could barely walk without the pants falling down. And the shirt was almost down to my knees..." She sniffed. "They wouldn't let me see her."

"Where did they take you?" He asked cautiously.

She sighed. "To a group home. I stayed for about a week before she was cleared and out of the hospital."

"That must have been confusing."

Meredith nodded. "I don't think I spoke a word the whole time I was there. They didn't tell me things. I...I think I thought my mother was dead. But then she came and picked me up, and it was all over."

He furrowed his brow. "It was all over?"

"Yeah. She never talked about it after."

"She never talked about it at all?"

"Nope. She took me home and everything was back to normal."

He released a frustrated sigh. "I wish I had known this before. I would have had more to say to her."

She had to smile at his attitude, even as she was shaking her head. "It wouldn't change anything."

"But it would make me feel better."

Meredith almost laughed, but instead snuggled close to him again, suddenly exhausted. "Not much makes it better."

He released her hand to wrap his arm around her waist again, pulling her against his chest. "What can I do to make it better?"

For the first time that evening, Meredith felt a true smile flutter to her lips. "You're already doing it."

"But-"

"Seriously, Derek, you just being here with me is enough to make all of the crap from my childhood seem less important."

He breathed in and out several times, and she was beginning to think he was going to respond when he finally spoke up. "I'm sorry I never realized just how bad she could be to you. I tried... I thought I understood..."

"It's okay," she reassured. "It's who you are, Derek. You always want to see good in people."

"Mmm," he agreed. "I see good in you. Lots and lots of good." He snuggled his nose into her neck and kissed her clavicle several times.

Meredith closed her arms around him, taking a moment to simply be still, holding him close to her. "Why does she still have so much control over me?" She whispered.

He sighed against her skin, his breath warm. "Because she's your mother."

She almost laughed at his statement; it was one she had heard many times today, from many people. But it had never made as much sense as it did leaving his lips. "I don't want to be like she wants me to be. I don't want to be like her."

"You're not." His voice was quiet, but certain.

Meredith released her tight hold on him and moved back to meet his gaze. "I love you." Being able to say and mean that was the most important way she could use to prove to herself that she wasn't anything like her mother.

He smiled. "I love you too."

It was going to be a long night; she could tell. She was exhausted, but still on an emotional rollercoaster. She wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. And she knew Derek wasn't about to let himself sleep knowing she was still awake. Still, she turned in his arms, pressing her back against his chest. He responded easily, snuggling close and wrapping an arm over her waist.

"Tomorrow will be better, right?" She murmured.

"I doubt it could get much worse."

AN: So, a dark Meredith chapter. But isn't it better it happened today and not tomorrow?

Author's Rant: Okay, so I have heard/read a few people ranting about Grey's stealing their ideas. But seriously, about Derek's dad... I was totally going to go there. And it was supposed to have been in this chapter. And I was LITERALLY sitting on the couch WITH my laptop, working on this chapter while watching last night's episode. Seriously! Why couldn't that little tidbit have waited till next week?! Oh, and I also didn't exactly like that Meredith's response to how Derek's dad died was 'It was just a bad day all around.' Seriously, who would say that? It's not exactly what I would call supportive... Anyway, Derek's sharing was cut from this chapter because it just felt unimportant now.

Thanks for reading!