35. Appy part 1

Alone in the house, locked away in the haven of the shared bathroom, Meredith sat on the cold, hard floor. She leaned against the side of the shower, her knees tucked up to her chest, and she stared. She didn't notice the cold seeping into her skin from the hard, tiled floor. She didn't notice the numbness beginning to set in through her legs and back. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, what time of day it was, or how soon her roommates would be getting off their shifts.

All she saw, noticed and took in were the two small white sticks she held in both hands, both saying the same thing; one with a short blue line and the other with a small 'x.'

Both were negative.

She knew she should feel relieved, grateful, disappointed, emotional...something.

Instead, she felt nothing.

She had spent the previous day and night in the hospital, with a slowly growing feeling of discomfort in her abdomen. It hadn't been until Derek, who was just coming in as she was leaving, offered to buy her breakfast before she left to head home to sleep, that she realize somewhere during her long shift she had become nauseous.

With a gentle smile, she had turned down his offer, claiming instead that she was planning on heading home for some much needed sleep. And that is exactly what she had planned to be doing right now.

But the nausea had increased tenfold as she had walked out to her car and begun the drive home. And when she had passed a drug store, she found herself turning on instinct. She would need something to settle her stomach if she wanted to get some sleep.

And, by a twist of fate, the pregnancy tests had been kept in the same aisle as the Pepto-Bismol tests. Meredith had caught sight of them on her way by, laughing as she always did at how they were kept right beside the condoms, and got almost to the end of the aisle before she stopped dead.

Abdominal pain.

Nausea.

And, come to think of it, she felt warm.

Her chest hitched painfully as she had turned to stare back down the, suddenly ominous, aisle. She was a doctor, so she would know if she was...pregnant, right? She should know. She and Derek were careful, but with her inconsistent intern schedule, the pill was difficult to use correctly, and she didn't always manage to take it around the same time every day, if at all. So they used condoms in the middle of her cycle, just to make sure. But...it had been so stressful lately, what with Burke being shot, and Izzy loosing Denny, and Meredith and Derek planning on visiting New York and their first big fight. Meredith couldn't even begin to estimate when her last period had been; a week, a month...more than a month...

But she could remember that she and Derek had definitely not used a condom at prom. And that she would have been off her pill for at least two days by then.

She had turned back around, scooped two bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a package of Gravol off the shelf and turned back around before slowly, cautiously, making her way back to the pregnancy tests. And suddenly it wasn't nearly as funny that they were beside the condoms.

There had been so many to choose from, but she had made quick work of choosing two different brands. She knew she wouldn't trust one test, regardless of the result.

And she had hurried home to pee on the two sticks.

The five minute wait had been excruciating. Time had ticked by slowly, every second feeling like a minute, and every minute an hour. She had paced the upstairs hallway nineteen times. And then the downstairs hallway eleven. She had watched an older man walking a fat Labrador retriever across the street, and was disconcerted when it only took twenty-two seconds for the pair to leave her eyesight. But, finally, the alarm on her watch went off and she hurried back up the stairs to spend another three minutes and forty-three seconds working up the nerve to look. And when she had finally looked, they had both said the same thing.

Negative.

She had blinked several times, re-read the directions for both to confirm, and collapsed onto the floor, breathing hard. And she had no idea how long she had been sitting there.

Very gradually, feelings began to seep into the detached sort of numbness she had been wallowing in. Relied had been the first emotion she had been able to justly identify. She and Derek were planning a life together. And while she knew he would never leave her for something like this, they weren't ready for a child. Meredith wasn't ready for a child. She was still an intern. She and Derek had been together less than nine months. She hadn't met his family. They were living in her mother's old house with two other roommates. They weren't ready for this; weren't prepared.

One day, they would move out together. And they would get married. And they would maybe...likely have children. Derek wanted kids. He came from a big family. He would be a wonderful father.

He would be shocked, but happy to hear the news if she had been pregnant. He would welcome the news, the new addition to their life, their family. But Meredith wouldn't have known what to do. She didn't come from a large family. She didn't know how to be a mother. She didn't know how to act around kids. And while she knew she would never be able to get rid of a baby that was theirs, she knew she would have freaked out, long and hard.

Nine months together was not long enough to start preparing to be parents.

But underneath all that relief, Meredith was surprised to discover, deep in the pit of her stomach, a sense of disappointment. Derek would have been excited. He would have made an excellent father. And while people may have talked, she knew they were headed down the marriage and commitment road anyway. It wouldn't have been a...completely horrible situation.

She could imagine the smile on his face when she would have told him; warm and lowing and excited. And the pride he would exhibit with his family. Meredith would have been terrified to announce her pregnancy to his mother and stepfather and sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews the first time she met them, but she knew he would have been happy. All four of his sisters had kids, and she knew he felt left out.

He would have started buying cutesy baby things that Meredith couldn't even name; clothes and toys and mobiles and diaper genies...whatever the hell those were. And he would have found them an apartment or a house near the hospital, with two rooms. And he would have talked excitedly with her about nursery colours, and border designs. And she would have laughed at him, the world-class neurosurgeon, as he struggled to follow the simple directions to put together the crib. And he would have made faces at all the food combinations she demanded to eat. And he would have gone out at all hours of the night when she had a craving. And he would have held back her hair in the morning when she threw up. And he would have been crazy and irrational and against listening to reasoning the day she would have gone into labour. But he would have made the hours go by quickly, sticking to her side as the contractions rolled in, one by one.

And when the baby finally arrived, it would have looked like him. She smiled at the thought of a tiny Derek clone, complete with curly brown hair.

But she wasn't pregnant. There wasn't going to be a tiny Derek clone coming to join their family within the next nine months.

The stomach pain and the nausea and the possible fever had to be caused by something else. Maybe the stress of the last few weeks, coupled with the long shifts, was catching up to her. Maybe it was anxiety about getting on a plane the following evening, and flying more than two thousand miles to meet Derek's family. Maybe it was something she ate. She could have a touch of food poisoning. Hell, she could have the flu.

She could come up with a dozen explanations to explain the symptoms if she had to.

But she could only come up with one explanation to explain her lingering disappointment over not being pregnant.

"Crap," she mumbled to herself. "Crap, crap, crap."

Meredith Grey, dark and twisty Meredith Grey, had spent twenty-seven years of her life alone, leaning not to trust anyone, not to love anyone, and not to let anyone get close to her. Meredith Grey had abandonment issues, mommy issues, daddy issues...other issues. She had vowed long ago never to have children, in the fear that she would parent like her mother had, knowing she couldn't bare bring a child into the world to grow up like she had. She had vowed never to get too involved, never too emotionally attached to any man. She had decided against commitments, against marriage, against anything containing the words 'long term.' And yet, that same Meredith Grey had made a commitment. She liked using the words 'long term' in relation to her and Derek. She wanted to marry him.

And she wanted to have kids with him.

Releasing her knees from her chest, she left her legs to stretch in front of her. Her mind was still spinning, still trying to recover from the shock of her realization. Not only was she willing to have kids for him, but she wanted them. With him. She could see a baby that was so perfectly theirs. With his curly hair and her nose.

She really, really wanted it. Not today. Not right now. After they moved out together. And after they got married and settled. And after she was a little further in her residency. But one day.

Meredith sucked in a breath and staggered to her feet. She made quick work of tossing all evidence that she had ever taken the pregnancy tests into a plastic bag, which she double knotted and took with her across the hall to stash in her drawers. She would take it to the hospital and throw it out there. No one would ever have no know that she had ever considered herself pregnant.

She changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, immediately moving to Derek's side. It smelled like him, and she needed a whiff of that right now. Three tears escaped her eyes as she took in a shuddery breath.

"I'm not pregnant," she whispered out loud. The words sounded strange coming from her own lips. "That's a good thing. I'm not pregnant."

The tightness in her chest began to lessen and she sighed, closing her eyes as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

000

Derek wasn't surprised to find his girlfriend fast asleep when he got home. He was, however, surprised to find her on his side of the bed, sprawled mostly on her stomach. It had been a relatively easy shift for him; two scheduled surgeries, both of which had gone off without a hitch.

Sitting himself down onto the edge of the bed, he ran his fingers through the ends of Meredith's hair. He loved her hair. The smell. The colour. The texture. It was perfect, just like her. He smiled at the thought. No one had ever felt perfect to him before.

She was perfect. And he loved her. And tomorrow he would get to take her home to meet his family. He would finally be able to show her what a family was supposed to be like. He would be able to show her just how serious he was about spending the rest of his life with her. He would be able to give her everything she deserved.

Running his fingers higher up her hair, he frowned at the warmth coming from her body. After sharing a bed with her for the better part of a year, he knew her temperature. Her face was pushed deep into the pillow, but he managed to find an inch of forehead to confirm his suspicions. She had a fever.

"Meredith," he called softly. "Mer, sweetie, wake up."

With gentle prodding, she moaned and opened her eyes. "'s hot," she mumbled.

He ran his hand along her back for comfort. "I think you have a fever. Have you taken anything?"

She turned onto her back and blinked upwards at him before shaking her head. Then she made a face and shoved at the blankets covering her.

He helped peel them off her warm body. "Did you want something to eat, or to just sleep through?"

"Sleep," she responded, her voice much less thick with sleep. "But first, bathroom." She staggered to her feet and padded into their on-suit bathroom.

Derek stripped down to his boxers and donned an old tee to sleep in. He went to lay himself down in the bed, but paused when he realized she had been in the bathroom for some time. "Meredith?" He called, knocking on the door. "Are you okay?"

The only response he got was an unhappy moan. She had left the door ajar and he cautiously pushed it open. "Mer?" She was perched on the ledge of the bath tub, facing the toilet, a look of displeasure on her face. "Nauseous?"

She nodded. "I think I have the flu."

"There's a twenty-four hour thing going through the hospital," he offered.

She made a face. "At least that means I'll be set to go tomorrow night."

He chuckled. "Yeah, we wouldn't want you throwing up on the plane..."

She made to laugh, but then clutched at her stomach and groaned.

"Abdominal pains?" He questioned.

She nodded. "A bit."

He sighed and stepped closer. "That's atypical for the flu. Are you're glands swollen?"

She pressed her hand to her neck and shrugged, and motioned for him to check. Her skin was warm when he pressed his hands to the sides of her neck, but she wasn't puffy. He knew every inch of her body, and she felt normal. "Nope."

She shrugged again. "So I'm being atypical, big surprise, it is me we're talking about here. Or it's food poisoning, whatever..."

"With this much of a fever?"

She glared at him. "Seriously, this is what I hate about being a doctor and being around doctors outside the hospital. I don't want to analyze my crappy symptoms. I just want to be miserable in peace."

He smiled and bit back a laugh at her response. "Fine, I'll leave you to your misery."

"Thank-you."

"Can I offer you something? Water? We may have some anti-nausea agents..."

"On the dresser," she mumbled. "I stopped on my way home."

He frowned. "You've been feeling like this since this morning?"

"I think my abdomen hurt during my shift, but I didn't realize I was nauseous until I left. And I was warm, but not really feverish. Though, I think I was only that hot when you woke me because of all the covers. I must have been asleep for hours."

Derek nodded and decided to tread carefully. "So, we're talking abdominal pains, nausea, potentially only slightly elevated temperature..." He paused. "That's not really typical to the flu or food poisoning."

She nodded and pulled him closer so she could lean against him. She was still sitting, and he was still standing, leaving her face level against his abdomen. "Yeah, well, name something my symptoms fit and then I can get back to being miserable."

His hands moved on their own to rest in her hair as her arms encircled his waist. "Look, Mer, I don't want..." He sighed. "It's just, you know, these symptoms could be..."

She lifted her head from him and looked up, meeting his eyes for several seconds. And then she shook her head knowingly. "I'm not pregnant, Derek."

He was taken aback by how calm she said the words. He had expected a more forced denial. Shock and fear and stronger words. "But..."

She shook her head again. "I took a test already. Two, actually. Both negative."

"Oh. I...oh. Okay," he stumbled over his words as his brain processed hers. His fingers slipped down the back of her head to thread through her hair. "You could have told me," he whispered.

"I just did," she said evenly. "I wasn't not going to tell you. I just feel so crappy..."

It was his turn to shake his head. "I meant you could have told me before. I would have been there."

"It was kind of me that had to pee on the stick."

He felt the corners of his lips twitch. "Obviously. But I could have been here for the wait, so that you weren't alone."

She smiled up at him. "It's okay," she reassured. "You told me you would be here, take full responsibility and all that. I believe you. And if they had been positive I would have told you. Trust me, Derek, you probably would have gotten a hysterical phone call or something, demanding you come home."

"You're right. I would be there no matter what. And I believe that you would have told me. But I also would have been there for the unknown part. I..."

"What?"

He took a breath. "Mer, I want to be here for everything. And that includes waiting while you pee on a stick, and then keeping you calm while we wait together for the results," he said quietly, hoping she would understand.

She stared up at him for several seconds before her eyes welled. "You mean, you really would have wanted to be here?"

He knelt to the floor before her so they were more at the same height. "Absolutely. So, if you ever think you may be...again, I want to be here with you, okay?"

She blinked furiously, but nodded. "Okay."

"Good." He offered her a comforting smile and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I love you, Meredith."

She was smiling when he pulled away. "I love you too. And I'm sorry for not...telling you before. I was in the drug store and I passed the tests...and then I just realized that I could be...and I bought them and used them and everything right away. I never thought..." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

He felt his heart go out to her. She had never allowed herself to depend on anyone before, not since her mother had taught her in the worst ways that people couldn't be trusted. But she did trust him, he knew. She trusted him, and she loved him, and she was letting him in, more and more each day. But it was things like this that really got to him. Because she had never thought to hide this from him. But she also hadn't thought to include him. She still didn't always realize what it truly meant to share your life with someone.

But she was trying her hardest. And that was what broke his heart; that she felt she had let him down.

He kissed her forehead again. "It's nothing to be sorry for," he reassured. "Just remember that you're not alone in the hard stuff."

She nodded. "It would have been nice to have had you here," she mumbled. "Not that I think you could have kept me calm, but it would have been nice."

The corner of his mouth twitched upward at her tone and he cocked his head. "How much of a fruit cake were you?"

"I wasn't a fruit cake," she retorted. "But there was lots of pacing. And ranting. And cursing. And...ranting. Seriously, lots and lots of ranting."

He chuckled. "But no more ranting now, okay? Let's get you some sleep so you're all ready to go tomorrow."

"Okay," she agreed, taking his offered hand and pulling herself into a standing position. She paused for a moment, but then turned away from the toilet. Apparently the nausea had worn off. "Bed," she echoed, making a bee line for it as soon as they exited the bathroom.

Derek collapsed beside her, resisting the urge to pull her into his arms, knowing she would be too hot in her condition. "Night."

"Night," she mumbled back. And she was silent for several moments before speaking again. "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Even though I feel like crap right now, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I'm ready now, to go to New York."

He smiled widely into the darkness. "I'm glad. They'll love you."

"Mmm," she mumbled noncommittally. "Not as much as I love you."