116. Chapter 116

AN: A little shorter than usual, though I'm trying to figure out how 5k words has become short... Maybe if I can keep the chapters shorter like this, I can update more often. This chapter revolves around epi 4.11 Lay Your Hands On Me, and because I've used some dialogue I want to remind everyone reading that I am simply borrowing from the show for non-profit entertainment purposes. A reminder about the episode, it's the one where Tucker (junior) gets hurts. He's going to be fine, just as he was in the show, so I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on his condition and focus on Meredith. She's having some trouble, but she's going to figure things out.

On another note, I checked the original posting date for the first chapter of this story and it's been exactly FOUR YEARS today. Four years! On one hand I can't believe it's been that long, and on the other I can't believe I'm only in the middle of season four...lol.

"I love my new room," Izzie practically gushed as she set her lunch tray on the table next to Meredith's and then dropped into the chair next to Meredith. "Thank you," she added, hooking her arm around Meredith in a half hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're so my favourite person right now."

"I'm glad you like it," Meredith said humorously as she set the forkful of salad she'd had half way to her mouth back onto the plate to make room for Izzie's arm. After she and Derek had had the better part of the last week off to move, they'd worked Friday and Saturday, and then Sunday morning cleared their remaining belongings from the house and given Izzie the all clear to move rooms. Meredith had been off Monday as well, and then Izzie on Tuesday, so they hadn't seen each other until now, Wednesday.

"It's so much bigger," Izzie continued, "And there's more closet space! And I don't have to share the bathroom with any stupid boys."

Alex huffed at her comment. "Well, I'm just glad I don't have to deal with all your girly crap in my bathroom anymore."

"Our bathroom," George corrected, having moved into Izzie's old room.

"Don't remind me."

Meredith smiled at the interaction. "I hope you three are happy together."

"You mean you hope they don't kill each other," Cristina corrected.

"Pretty much," Meredith agreed with a smirk. She finally took her bite of salad. After over a year together, and numerous shared meals, salad had become a common lunch for her. Derek's influence. And as much as she wanted to deny it, she had come to enjoy them.

"How is it living with just Derek?" Izzie asked.

"It's...really nice," she said honestly. For almost a week now she had fallen asleep and woken up next to Derek in a room that had only ever been there's. They'd shared meals and moments in rooms that Meredith didn't have a single bad memory in. There wasn't a single square inch of the condo that Meredith could associate with her childhood, and there had never been a drop of blood on the kitchen floor.

Alex snorted. "Nice," he echoed her choice of words. "I'll bet you don't even bother wearing clothes."

"Alex," Izzie chastised.

"What?" He retorted. "It's Mer and Shepherd. We were all thinking it."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "We're not that bad."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think we couldn't hear you? Or that we didn't find your clothes all over the house?"

Meredith felt her cheeks heat. She could recall a number of times where she hadn't been able to find a shirt or a bra. Or her underwear. When they'd turned up in the laundry room, she'd always assumed it had been Derek. "What's your point?"

Alex smirked. "That you're probably enjoying your alone time."

"And what's wrong with that?" It's not like what he was saying wasn't true. They'd had a healthy sex life before they'd gotten married, and now they were newlyweds. It was expected.

"Nothing. It's like I've said before; embrace it."

Meredith glanced at the rest of the table, hoping someone would change the subject.

Cristina spoke up. "Have you finished christening all the rooms yet?"

Meredith shot her best friend a glare to tell her she wasn't helping.

Cristina shrugged in response to tell Meredith she knew she wasn't helping and that that was the point.

"I'm not answering that."

Cristina smirked. "That means yes."

Meredith fought not to give away anything more with her expression. Sunday and Monday had basically been a room-christening marathon. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Leave Meredith alone," Izzie spoke up, shooting glares at both Alex and Cristina on Meredith's behalf. "She's our friend and we need to be nice to her."

Alex snorted. "You're just sucking up because she gave you the good room."

Izzie shot him a second glare before turning her attention back to Meredith. "Really, how are you liking it just being the two of you?"

Meredith felt a smile take over her lips as she thought of the quiet mornings they'd already shared; no fighting over coffee or space at the table. She thought of relaxing out on the balcony and curling up together on the couch. She thought of not having the worry about walking around less than fully clothed or of using all the hot water while they shared a shower. She thought of making plans for decorating. For dinner. For their free time. "I wasn't sure how I'd react to the change," she admitted, "But I feel..." She shook her head, trying to find the words to explain the relief she had been feeling since the move. "I know that we've been married for four months, but nothing really changed. Now I feel like we're married married. Like it's really real. Like I can really do this."

"Of course you can do it," Izzie said.

Meredith smiled at her confidence. "You forget that you grew up wanting it. I didn't. And I kind of fell into it."

"But you love Derek."

"I do," she agreed, furrowing her brow as she again fought for the right words to make Izzie understand. "I really do, and I want this now. It's just something new to want. And it took a while before I knew I could do it." It was no secret Derek had been much surer and more confident much earlier than her. She remembered him telling her he would have taken her home to meet his family before Christmas. It wasn't scary now, but at the time she wouldn't have been able to do it. "And before we moved I wondered if it would be a big change for me." She shrugged. "I've always had you guys as a buffer and I didn't know what it would be like to not have that buffer."

"And?"

"And there's no issue." She smiled. "I don't need the buffer." It felt nice to be so confident. In herself. In her marriage. In her abilities.

Izzie nodded, but then smirked. "I miss you as my buffer with Alex."

Meredith laughed, even as Alex threw a fry at Izzie in response.

Picking up the fry, Izzie tossed it back at Alex before turning her attention back to Meredith. "When do you want your reception and house warming party?"

"Seriously, Iz? We move in less than a week ago."

"And got married four months ago. That's a long time to wait."

"But-"

"You went off and got married without us," Izzie cut her off. "And when you got back you said you'd have a combined reception and house warming party once you moved. And you told me I could be in charge."

Memories of Izzie wanting to do something for them after their wedding and then wanting to do whatever she could to help them move floated through Meredith's mind. Izzie always wanted to help in any way she could. It was both endearing and annoying at the same time. There was no way the basket of muffins she'd had ready for Meredith and Derek Sunday morning would be enough for her.

Two months earlier, in the middle of thirty-six hour shift, Meredith had complained to Izzie about her unsuccessful house search. She and Derek had been looking for a month, but hadn't found anything. Meredith was frustrated and Izzie had offered a sympathetic ear. She'd told Izzie that she and Derek had discussed having a mini-reception/housewarming party once they found a place to live. Izzie's enthusiasm had brightened Meredith's mood and led to her promising Izzie she could do the planning as her present.

It had seemed like a good idea at two in the morning after being at the hospital since six the previous morning.

"Come on, Meredith," Izzie prompted. "You're married. And happy. And have a new home that I hear is beautiful but haven't seen yet because I haven't been invited over."

"Very passive aggressive," Alex spoke up.

Izzie glared at him, but continued to address Meredith. "You've got what we all want. Don't you want to celebrate that?"

"Speak for yourself," Cristina spoke up. "I definitely do not want McDreamy."

"Me neither," Alex said quickly.

"Or me," George added.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "You people are horrible. I didn't mean Derek. I meant...everything. She's happy. She found the guy; the person she's going to spend the rest of her life with. She knows what her future will be like. Don't you people want that?"

George nodded, but quickly stopped and offered a nonchalant shrug once he realized he was the only one offering such an enthusiastic response. Cristina turned her attention downward to the textbook lying open on the table before her, allowing her long hair to block most of her face. Alex huffed and started to roll his eyes, but caught Izzie's gaze and stopped. They stared at each other for a moment before he looked away and cleared his throat.

Izzie furrowed her brow and then looked back to Meredith. "You have to have a party to flaunt what you have so we can be both happy for you and insanely jealous that you've got your life figured out and we haven't."

"I'll talk to Derek about dates," she relented, "But I don't know if we'll be up for something right away, though. It's been a really busy month."

Izzie's expression fell at her words, and Meredith immediately felt guilty. The blonde's earlier joke that she hadn't been invited over came back to her. "But maybe you guys could come over soon? Saturday after work? We could order pizza. Have some drinks."

"Like a planning party," Izzie said brightly.

"Or just dinner and drinks," Meredith said with a laugh. "One step at a time here."

Izzie nodded. "Okay. Big party sometime soon, and dinner and drinks on Saturday."

Meredith nodded. "It should give me enough time to finish a few projects. We're moved in, but there are still so many things we need to do. We've got like two pictures on the wall. And only one set of sheets. We don't even have bedding for the guest room. And we still need-"

"Dude, you've become a housewife."

Meredith picked a cherry tomato from her salad and tossed it at Alex. He ducked, but didn't move fast enough and it clipped him on the side of the head. He swiped a fry off of his plate and threatened to throw it at Meredith in retaliation, but he was interrupted by the sound of several pagers going off at once.

All five residents reached for their pagers at once.

Meredith frowned down at the message she was receiving. She looked up and met four equally concerned faces. "It's Bailey."

The happy, confident, upbeat mood Meredith had had at lunch fell away the moment she had set foot in the ER to the sound of a screaming toddler and the sight of her Chief Resident frantically trying to care for her own child.

Having pushed through the ER doors first, the charge nurse handed her the chart. "The ER resident is in with a trauma."

"What happened?" She asked as her fellow residents rushed past her to assist with Tucker.

"Her husband brought him in. Apparently he was trapped under a bookcase."

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, we need to page the Chief, Torres and Shepherd."

"I already did." The nurse paused. "I paged everyone. It's...Dr. Bailey's baby."

Meredith nodded, forcing herself into doctor mode as she entered the trauma room and started taking stats. Bailey refused to back away, but allowed her former interns to help. George attempted to move her back, but only once.

Meredith notated Tucker's stats and assessments as her fellow interns called them out to her. She turned to the nurse that had followed her into the trauma room. "Let's get a portable x-ray in here. And call up to CT and let them know we'll probably be coming up." She paused. "Tell them it's for Dr. Bailey."

"Of course, Dr. Grey-Shepherd."

Callie arrived first, followed quickly by Derek. Meredith rattled off the case. Derek went straight to Tucker's side and began his assessment. Callie took the chart from Meredith and read over the notes she had made. "Any swelling or bruising?"

"Some on his chest," Meredith responded. "And his abdomen seems to be tender, too." It was harder to tell in a small child. Tucker wasn't old enough to use words to explain how he felt and what hurt. He also hadn't stopped crying since he'd been brought in. "No bruising or swelling in his limbs."

Callie passed the chart back to Meredith. "Let's order a portable x-ray and call up to CT-"

"Done and done."

Callie nodded. "Good work." She moved quickly to help with Tucker.

Meredith glanced at the number of people swarming around the small, scared child on the gurney. She wanted to say something, but quickly closed her mouth. It was Bailey's baby. Everyone wanted to help. She glanced at Bailey's husband, who stood tensely in the corner of the room, his son's small shirt clutched in his hand and a horrified look on his face. "We're doing everything we can," Meredith told him, hoping it would offer some comfort. "He's in the best place he can be."

Tucker senior nodded at her, but Meredith wasn't convinced he had heard a word she said. Still, she offered him a small smile, hoping it would instil some confidence.

A moment later, the Chief rushed into the room. "What the hell happened?"

Meredith winced at his volume. She handed him the chart as she quietly explained the situation and Tucker's assessment so far. "We're waiting on portable x-ray and we've already called CT," she added.

The Chief nodded and passed her back the chart. He tried to approach Tucker, but was blocked by the number of doctors huddled around the young patient, all frantically assessing and calling out their results.

"Okay, everyone stop for a moment," he demanded. "Too many hands. You four," he motioned to the junior residents, "Back off. I know you want to help, but too many hands will only cause problems. Step out and we'll update you when we can." He began palpating Tucker's abdomen. "Dr. Bailey-"

"This is my child. I'm not going anywhere."

Richard sighed, but said nothing more. "Just try and keep him calm." He turned to Derek. "How does he look?"

Derek was quietly shushing the terrified toddler as he checked Tucker's pupils with his penlight. "Pupils look good," he announced, stroking Tucker's forehead as he pulled his penlight away from Tucker's eyes. "All four limbs are moving. There don't appear to be any neurological issues."

"Torres?" Richard asked.

Callie made a face as she struggled to assess four flailing limbs. "Limbs seem to be okay. I'll need x-ray to assess his chest, but I'm thinking multiple rib fractures."

"X-ray is here," Meredith announced, spotting the nurse pushing the machine through the doorway.

"Good." He looked to Meredith. "He's got decreased breath sounds on his left side and his abdomen is rigid."

Meredith nodded in understanding and turned to use the phone to call up to CT to confirm they would be on their way up.

"What does that mean?" Tucker asked, still standing in the corner, wringing his son's shirt between his hands.

"It means there could be some internal injuries," Richard answered.

"What kind of injuries?"

"Tucker, we don't have time for this," Bailey cut in before Richard could respond.

Meredith felt her heart tug at the obvious fear in Bailey's tone, but quickly shoved the feeling away. She needed to stay in doctor mode. The CT desk picked up. Meredith announced that Tucker would be on his way up shortly and asked how soon a machine would be available. The CT nurse who answered the phone left her on hold as she went to check on the availability.

"This is why we put the baby gate in the living room," Bailey was saying.

"The gate was open," Tucker responded.

"You left the gate open?"

"No. I didn't."

"Are you trying to say I left the gate open?"

"Accidents happen," Richard said, trying to ease the comfort between the tense couple. Unfortunately, his effort didn't make any difference.

"Not if you take the time to bolt the bookshelves to the wall," Bailey responded.

"I can't baby proof every inch of that apartment and watch him at the same time," Tucker fought back.

"If you had watched him, we wouldn't be here right now," Bailey retorted, raising her voice.

The CT nurse came back on the line. Meredith nodded and thanked her before hanging up the phone. "CT is available now," she announced to the room. Bailey and Tucker fell silent, their fight on hold.

For the first time, Meredith wished she wasn't a doctor. She wished she wasn't so highly trained that she couldn't not see the extensive damage on Tucker's CT results. The multiple rib fractures. The partially collapsed lung. The diaphragmatic hernia. The fact that she couldn't even see his heart because his stomach and colon were in his chest. The injury to his thoracic aorta. The high risk of infection he was facing.

She sighed, remembering how broken Bailey had looked through the viewing window during Tucker's CT. She and her husband had fought again. She had called Tucker senior on thinking she was a bad wife and mother. He hadn't responded. "Can you imagine how horrible this must be for her?" She half asked to Cristina and Izzie, and half announced out loud to herself.

"This is why people should not have kids," Cristina said flatly.

Meredith felt her chest tighten at her best friend's words. She had a point. Meredith couldn't imagine having children and then watching them be in pain. Seeing them sick or injured. Hoping and praying for them to not die.

To a point, some things couldn't be helped. Meredith treated children who'd been in car accidents with their parents. And things like black ice and drunk drivers couldn't always be avoided. She treated children who had cancer or MS or some other disease that couldn't be prevented. She viewed these cases as unavoidable. She treated children who needed appendectomies or fell and broke their arm on the playground. She viewed these cases as part of having kids. She'd never considered...this.

Children who pulled some piece of furniture onto themselves were, unfortunately, relatively common. She'd seen quite a few cases. But she'd always felt sorry for the child and placed the blame on the parents. She'd always told herself, in the back of her mind, that the parents had screwed up and that she would never be that kind of parent. That her kids would never suffer from any unavoidable injury.

But it had happened to Dr. Bailey's baby. And Bailey was superwoman to Meredith. Bailey was an amazing surgeon, a devoted mother and a loving wife. Or, at least Meredith had thought she was. She had been, she knew. She remembered Bailey after Tucker was born and Tucker senior was recovering from a craniotomy. Bailey had been the picture of confidence and concern. She had spent hours by her husband's bedside, clutching her brand new baby boy. She'd appeared self-assured and ready to be a mom and grateful for her family. Meredith had still be recovering from her own trauma from the day Tucker was born, but despite her bruised ribs, headache and inability to rid her mind of the image of two men disappearing into a cloud of pink mist in front of her, she had recognized the strength Bailey had as a wife and mother. It had made Meredith turn more to Derek, had made her more confident that it could all be done.

Bailey had managed what Ellis had not been able to. They'd both succeeded in surgery, but where Ellis failed at home, Bailey had proven it was possible to excel.

But now Meredith doubted the woman who was the basis of her own belief that it was possible to do it all. Bailey's baby had suffered from an injury Meredith would have blamed on the parents had it been any other child. The concept clashed with Meredith's beliefs. And Bailey and her husband hadn't stopped fighting since Tucked had arrived. They fought about the injury and the bookcase and the baby gate. They fought about their duties as parents and kept referring back to previous arguments. Clearly this wasn't just a response to their son's condition. This had become normal behaviour.

Meredith wondered when things had changed. She wondered if they had changed, or had she just seen what she had wanted – had needed – to see, because her role model's personal life appeared to be in shambles.

But Meredith had scrubbed in with her the day before and knew for a fact that her surgical skills were still amazing.

Had Bailey taken the same path as Ellis had?

"What is the matter with you?" Izzie said to Cristina, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. "This is Bailey's baby we're talking about."

"No," Cristina retorted. "It's a trauma case. If we're going to be at all effective in saving that kid's life, it can't be Bailey's baby. It's a blunt trauma case."

Despite her mixed feelings, Meredith knew Cristina was right. Thinking about Bailey's baby was keeping some of her focus from her patient.

"Poor Tucker," she said, allowing one extra moment of sympathy for Bailey's baby. If Bailey was putting her career first and her family second, then Meredith could emphasize with the small child.

"Yeah," Izzie agreed.

Cristina sighed loudly.

"Do you think...I mean..." Meredith took a breath. "How did this happen?"

Izzie, not realizing Meredith's question included more than just today, shook her head. "Accidents happen," she said, echoing the Chief's earlier words.

On the Chief's orders, Meredith stuck close to Bailey through Tucker's assessment and subsequent surgery. She only left Bailey's side every twenty to thirty minutes to get an update for the frantic mother. Despite the fact that she was still snapping at her husband at every chance, her love and concern for her son was genuine. And strong. At one point Bailey barrelled passed her and fought her way into the OR to see her son. The level of extreme behaviour in such a normally calm and collected woman made Meredith stop and reassess her assessment.

Bailey so clearly loved her son and would do absolutely anything for him.

Would Ellis have been so determined if Meredith had been seriously hurt as a child? Would she have been so concerned? Would she have been so extreme?

Or would she have been the calm, collected, cold woman who had left Meredith with the nurses both before and after her tonsil surgery? Sure, the level of risk was much different, but she hadn't even-

Meredith stopped her thoughts. Bailey was not her mother. Clearly she was having problems at home, but she loved her child. And accidents happened.

Once the surgery was over – successfully – Meredith escorted Bailey and Tucker to see their son in recovery. She watched from the foot of the bed as they approached their son from different sides of the bed. They each took a hand and stroked Tucker's tiny arms. They looked lovingly at their son, their expressions mirror images of love and relief and concern.

They barely glanced at each other, though. They said nothing to one another. Meredith had witnessed innumerable parents seeing their children for the first time after surgery. Normal parents, without surgical careers. They cried and kissed their children and hugged each other in relief. They shared the experience. Even the parents who fought prior to the surgery, who blamed each other, joined together after surgery to share their relief. Meredith waited for that to happen. She waited for them to first assure themselves their son was alive and stable. She waited minutes. And then she waited more minutes. An hour passed.

Tucker was moved from recovery to an ICU room. Meredith followed, her attention on both her young patient and her patient's tense parents.

After settling Tucker in the ICU room, Meredith backed out to give Bailey and her husband privacy with their son. She stared through the glass walls as they stared silently at their son. More time passed. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty.

Eventually Bailey whispered something and reached for her husband's hand.

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. The coming together was there. It was just delayed. And maybe they had just waited for privacy-

Her breath of relief was short lived. Tucker pulled his hand away and moved away from his wife. Bailey looked defeated. They both fell silent again, staring at their son.

A warm presence appeared beside Meredith, and she didn't have to look to know who it was.

"How's he doing?" Derek asked quietly, concern lining his voice.

She sighed, allowing herself to lean her shoulder against his. "Still intubated. We won't know anything for a few hours." The fluid in his chest meant he may not be able to breathe on his own for some time.

"Hmm," he murmured, staring through the glass doors at the sight. "Has she stopped blaming herself?"

"I don't think either of them have. Or will," she added.

Derek was silent for a long moment. Then he shifted and pressed his forehead against the side of her head. She felt him release a shuddery breath against her ear.

"When we have kids we're bolting every single piece of furniture to the wall," he whispered. "And covering every electrical outlet. And locking every cupboard door. And using state of the art self-closing baby gates."

Despite the situation, Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "I don't think those exist."

He sighed before pulling his forehead from her and replaced it with his lips. "Well, they should."

"Yeah," she murmured. She continued to stare through the glass walls for a moment before turning and snaking her hands around her husband's waist. It wasn't quiet in the hallway, but in this moment she didn't care how unprofessional this was or who saw it. In this moment she just needed some comfort. "I don't understand how... It's Dr. Bailey. I thought she could do it all. I thought she was doing it all. How did..."

Derek closed his arms around her. "Accidents happen," he said, not reading enough into her question to know she wasn't just referring to today's accident.

She sniffed and closed her eyes and allowed herself a moment to just be there with her husband. He was warm and solid against her. He offered so much comfort, both through his words and through his actions. He was better than any surgery she'd ever perform. He was better than any award she may one day win. He was better than any position she may one day achieve.

She wouldn't lose this, him. She wouldn't focus so much on her career that she lost what was really important. One day they would have kids and her family would be the most important thing in the world to her. And if her child was every hurt or sick she and Derek would go through it together.

"Tell me that will never be us," she whispered.

His arms tightened around her. "I'll do everything in my power," he promised. She knew he was still referring to today's accident alone, but it still made her feel better. She would do everything in her power as well. She wouldn't be like her mother; she was determined.

"How's Tuck?" Izzie asked quietly.

Meredith opened her eyes and pulled away from her husband's warm embrace. She hadn't even heard Izzie approach. She cleared her throat. "He had a lot of fluid in his chest. It's going to be a few hours.

Izzie's face fell and she sighed. She turned to face the scene in the ICU room, preparing to wait. Meredith followed suit, and smiled inwardly when Derek's hand closed around hers. They would wait together. George joined them. Then Cristina. And Alex. Callie. The Chief. Lexie. And they waited. They would wait together until Tucker woke up, because he was going to wake up.

She felt Derek's eyes on her as they waited. She squeezed his hand and almost smiled when he squeezed back. The sight on the other side of the glass nearly broke her heart, but it would never be them. She was determined.