103. Chapter 103

The walls of the hospital were wider than usual, causing Meredith to feel small and insignificant as she walked between them, not sure on her destination but unable to stop her feet from moving forward. Always forward. Though, she wasn't sure how long she had been walking. It felt like a long time, but she wasn't tired like she thought she should be. She wasn't anything, really. She felt...nothing.

Everything around her seemed wrong. Not only were the walls too far apart, but they were the wrong colour. And the light was...wrong.

Everything was wrong.

She was alone. There was no one else wandering the halls. No doctors. No nurses. No patients. No one. Just Meredith.

Maybe that was why the walls seemed so far apart.

She had looked for other people before, but hadn't been able to find anyone. Not her husband. Not her friends. Not even any of the ghosts she had shared the empty hospital with before.

She was alone now. Alone and cold. It was cold here.

It was cold because she was standing in front of the morgue.

Meredith blinked, suddenly realizing she had stopped moving but not having noticed at the time. When had that happened? She hadn't meant to come here. She wasn't even on the right floor. The last time she had been to the morgue it had been in the basement.

She wasn't sure what floor she was on now, but it couldn't be the basement because there had been windows. She had passed windows. And she couldn't remember using the stairs or getting in the elevator.

The door wasn't anything like it had been when Derek had brought her here (had it actually been here? Were there two morgues?) in a wheelchair to say goodbye to her mother after her accident. Back then (she wasn't sure how long ago it had been) the morgue had been in the basement and it had had its own hallway. Now it was upstairs somewhere (she still wasn't sure where she was) and was announced by a normal door and a small sign.

Odd.

She didn't want to go in, but she did anyway.

It was wrong inside. All wrong. A wall of small, square doorways was the only presence in the room. That, and strange light coming from all the wrong directions.

She knew which compartment held her mother without stopping to think about it. After she had pulled open the door the bed pulled out on its own volition.

Her mother's face was deathly pale, a sharp contrast to the dark navy scrubs she was wearing and the vibrant red scars on her wrists.

Meredith stared. And stared. It was nice that they had thought to dress her in scrubs. She would like that. Being a doctor was the only niche Ellis Grey had ever wanted for herself. But it was strange that she was in the morgue dressed in scrubs. Because Meredith had had her cremated. Ellis's ashes were packed into an urn in the back of Meredith's closet. So, why was she here?

She didn't ask the question because she knew she wouldn't get an answer.

There was a creak behind her, and Meredith turned to watch another compartment open and a dead body roll out. Her dead body. She stared at herself. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew something wasn't right, but still, she stared.

Her hair was flat and dull against her very pale skin. Her face was sunken. She looked lifeless and...dead.

Meredith continued to stare at her own corpse, trying to remember when she had died, but she couldn't remember.

She could remember anything.

Corpse-Meredith's eyes opened, revealing unnaturally bright eyes. Or maybe they were normal eyes that looked overly bright in contrast to her pale skin. Lips that had no more colour than the skin around them opened and a hushed whisper escaped. "We were supposed to be extraordinary."

"We were," Meredith insisted. "We are."

"We got another chance to be extraordinary."

Meredith opened her mouth but found no words. Her corpse was right. They had been given another chance, but they were following in their mother's footsteps. Her eyes fell on Ellis's still form. Ellis had been given another chance, but she hadn't been happy. She hadn't done anything other than be a surgeon. And now Meredith was wasting her second chance too.

"We're trying," she whispered, pleading with herself.

"It's not enough." The unnatural whisper came from Ellis's corpse this time. "You're never enough."

Meredith jolted awake with a muffled yelp. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that her ribs hurt. Or maybe her rubs hurt because her diaphragm was contracting so tightly that she couldn't breathe.

She curled into a ball and waited for the panic to pass. Waited for her breath to come back. Waited for the image of her own corpse to stop being so vivid behind her eyes.

Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she ignored them.

Rain pounded against the windows, but she didn't notice.

Lightning flashed, followed quickly by thunder, but she didn't flinch.

Slowly her diaphragm relaxed and she was able to suck in a much needed breath of air. And then another. And another.

Her heart slowed and she no longer felt on the verge of panic.

Her surroundings came back to her. She was on the couch in the living room.

Alone.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed since Derek had left for his flight to Atlanta, but she did know that regardless of the time she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight.

With a sniff, she sat up, her knees pressed to her chest and held by her arms.

It had been months since she had had a nightmare and she vaguely wondered what had brought this one on.

Derek's departure maybe? That was probably the final straw, but she had been living with too much stress for too long. Cristina was still reeling from Burke's abandonment and was struggling to prove herself without him. Lexie was stalking Meredith around the hospital, demanding a relationship and making Meredith feel like she had a kicked a puppy every time she turned her down. Having interns was worse than Meredith had expected, especially since she couldn't bring herself to ignore them like Cristina and Alex were doing. She and Derek couldn't find a place to live. The Chief was still treating her differently than before. Her mother was still dead. And now George and Callie were getting divorced.

She removed her left arm from her knees and wiped the residual tears from her face. Lightning flashed outside and the light from the windows of the living room reflected off of her rings. She stared at them in the dark for several moments after. They were proof that she wasn't a failure. They were proof that she wasn't completely wasting her second chance. Because someone in the world loved her and wanted her, and had chosen to commit himself to her forever.

Reaching towards the side table, she groped around for her cell phone for several seconds before her fingers found the small device. She pressed at the key pad and squinted when the screen lit up. It was a little after four in the morning. Derek would still be in the air. It would be hours before he would be able to call and check in.

With a sigh, she pushed herself off the couch. If she was awake she may as well get dressed and go into the hospital early. Maybe she'd be able to snag herself a good surgery before she had to scrub in with Bailey at nine.

The stairs creaked as she slowly made her way up to the second floor and then turned towards her bedroom. She knew the house well enough that she could navigate easily in the dark.

The bedroom was cold and empty, even after she flicked on the light. The bed was untouched. A single dresser drawer was half open. And evidence of Derek's absence announced themselves from around the room. No reading material lay on his bedside table. His phone charger was gone from the wall socket. His hair products no longer sat on the corner of the dresser. And she knew without looking that much of his things were absent from the closet.

After a lifetime alone, it was strange that his absence was throwing her off so dramatically.

She padded over to the bed and ran her hand over Derek's pillow. She couldn't help but feel her chest tighten at the knowledge that it would be days before they would share the bed again. It disarmed her to realize how much she had come to depend on his presence.

With a determined huff, she stepped away from the bed and headed for the closet, stripping off her sweatpants and tee shirt on her way. She managed to avoid taking in the empty section on Derek's side of the closet as she picked out a pair of jeans and top to wear into the hospital, but she was unable to stop her gaze from catching on the urn she had stashed on the top shelf nearly four months earlier.

Visions from her nightmare of her mother's and her own dead bodies lying side by side in the morgue flashed through her mind. Her mother had almost died, but had been given a second chance, just like Meredith. But she had still died unhappy and alone more than two decades later.

The thought gave her pause. She could hear the blood rushing by her ears. This was her second chance. What was she doing with it?

She had gotten married, but she and Derek were still living together in the same room with the same number of roommates, just like before. She was a full-fledged resident now, but she didn't feel like she had any more seniority than before. It felt like she spent more time at the hospital and less time in surgery. Her life had actually gotten so stressful that she had lost track of the date and almost missed her own birthday. That wasn't very second chance-y.

"Crap," she mumbled. "Crap, crap. Crap!" Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. It would be admitting weakness to her demons. It would make her feel like even more of a failure in her second chance.

Shoving some boxes out of the way, she moved the urn to the very back corner of the closet shelf, and then pushed as many boxes in front of it, as if burying it would mean it wasn't there; would mean it couldn't haunt her.

Stepping back, she slammed the closet door shut. And then she went to work.

Her plan to get to the hospital early and hopefully snag a surgery before she had to scrub in with Bailey was not successful. She managed to catch a trauma, but her patient had coded in the ER before she could begin to get him to surgery. His injuries had been severe to the point that surgery most likely would have been futile. He had never regained consciousness, which was probably for the best.

Meredith had gone into surgery at nine with visions of her patient's wife sobbing in the ER. She had been distracted, unable to distance herself. And Bailey had noticed. She had lectured Meredith in front of her intern. And she hadn't let Meredith do much more than the bare minimum.

The air in the scrub room had been tense as they scrubbed out together. Meredith didn't feel like the peer she had felt like the day before. She felt like Bailey's intern again. And a disappointing one at that; similar to the year before when she had been the intern that Bailey had caught naked in her attending's car.

With a glare – that told Meredith she didn't need or want help talking to the patient's family – Bailey left the scrub room. Meredith turned off the water with a sigh and reached for some paper towel to dry her hands. Today was not her day.

And the moment she left the scrub room it got worse.

She had barely cleared the doorway when she very literally walked into the half-sister she had been avoiding for weeks.

"Oh," Lexie cried out in surprise, grasping onto Meredith's arm.

"Sorry. I'm sorry," Meredith said quickly, trying to make light of the situation and get away. Unfortunately, Lexie was still holding onto her arm and wasn't letting go.

"I haven't seen you around much lately."

"Yeah, I've been...busy." She managed to free her arm, but didn't feel comfortable just walking away now that Lexie had engaged her in some sort of conversation.

"I heard that you, uh, changed your name."

Meredith nodded. Both her lab coat and hospital ID now declared her as 'Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd.' It had taken a little more than a week for the lab coat to be updated, but when it had her heart had skipped a beat at the sight. It was so official. So real. She hadn't been able to stop smiling the whole first day she wore it. And Derek's eyes had heated the moment she had shown up in his office to show off the update. He hadn't wasted time in leaving his paperwork behind and taking her in his arms. They'd had sex on his couch to celebrate.

"That's cool," Lexie continued. "Is Dr. Shepherd here today? I haven't seen him." She was trying to make conversation, was trying to find something they could talk about.

"No," Meredith said shortly, before reacting to the hurt look in Lexie's eyes. It was the kicked-puppy look. She forced the scowl from her face. "He's in Atlanta for a consult."

"Oh. That's...too bad. For you, I mean. You must miss him."

Meredith shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. She didn't want anyone to know how much she missed her husband, especially not Lexie.

"I remember how much my mom hated it when my dad went away to a conference-" Lexie cut herself off, before rambling onward, "I mean our dad. Our dad. Because he's in research. Which you know. Or, at least, I think you know. He does research. And he goes to conferences a few times a year and-"

"Your dad was right," Meredith cut her off quietly. "He's not our dad."

Lexie hesitated before saying quietly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that he's not your dad, Meredith. I wish there was something I could do."

As much as she wanted to brush off the conversation and the younger surgeon, Meredith couldn't, because the younger surgeon reminded her too much of Susan Grey. She hadn't been able to say no to Susan, and now she was struggling to do so with Lexie.

"It's not your fault," she offered. "None of this is your fault."

Lexie smiled and nodded. "It's not yours either."

Meredith nodded. "I know. But the thing is...that doesn't change anything. Things are the way they are."

"But they could be different."

"No," she said quietly. "They really can't."

"He's sorry, you know?"

Meredith hesitated, not wanting to hurt the younger girl. "I know that you think that and-"

"He is," Lexie cut her off, insistent.

"Susan used to tell me that too," Meredith countered. Lexie's hurt expression made Meredith feel bad, but it was the truth. She took a breath to calm herself. "I'm really sorry about your mother. I...I was really fond of her," she said, echoing her words from so many weeks before. "But Thatcher...he doesn't want anything to do with me. And he didn't for a long time. And I'm tired of hearing other people tell me how sorry he is when I've never heard it from him."

"He's just...struggling."

Meredith allotted all of the extra energy she had into offering Lexie a small smile. "He's struggling. And I really am sorry about your mother. But even before..." She trailed off, not needing to verbalize what the before event was. "He wasn't any different to me before."

"But things could be different. I know you hate him. And me. But-"

"I don't hate him," Meredith said quietly. "I just don't..." She sighed. "He's not my father. He's not anything to me." She paused. "And I don't hate you."

"You don't?" Lexie perked up.

"No," she confirmed. "But you're not my sister."

"I could be," she said quietly.

Meredith sighed. "But I can't be. I grew up alone, Lexie. No father. Barely a mother. No siblings. No family. And it took a long time for me to be able to get close to people, to let them in, to build myself a family. And when I tried to expand my family it ended badly."

Lexie's expression fell.

"I can't let myself get hurt again. I know none of this is your fault. And I know you feel bad, but I can't let anyone new in right now. I can't get hurt again. It almost destroyed everything last time," she finished quietly. Lexie's eyes were downcast. Meredith took a breath and stepped around the younger surgeon. She was halfway down the hallway when Lexie called after her.

"Meredith? I wouldn't hurt you. And I'm a good sister."

She paused at the quiet words, but couldn't bring herself to turn around. Instead she blinked away the stinging in her eyes and walked away.

Cristina and Izzie were already seated at their regular cafeteria table when Meredith dropped her tray onto the table and collapsed onto a free chair. "I'm having a horrible day," she announced.

"Join the club," Cristina responded dryly.

"Life was supposed to be better now that we're not interns anymore, but it seems worse."

"Really? Because I think it's better," Izzy announce. "My interns are okay. And I think I'm doing a good job teaching them. I mean, I'm not Bailey, but I think they like me."

"They're not supposed to like you. They're supposed to be scared of you."

"They're not supposed to be scared of you," Izzy countered Cristina. "They're supposed to respect you."

"And respect comes from fear."

Meredith rolled her eyes as they continued to argue. At least it was something to keep her mind off her day. Her very, very crappy day.

"Where's Derek?" Izzy asked suddenly, having given up fighting with Cristina. "I was supposed to work with him this morning, but I got stuck with Shadow-Shepherd instead."

"Atlanta," she said with a sigh.

"Atlanta?"

She shrugged. "Consult. He left last night." It reminded her that he should have arrived hours ago. She pulled her phone from her lab coat pocket.

One missed call.

She dialled her voicemail. Derek's tired voice met her ears several seconds later.

'Hey, it's your favourite husband...' Meredith couldn't help but smile at the sound of her husband pausing to chuckle at his own joke. 'I hope you got a better night's sleep than I did. The plane ride was horrible. I'm officially exhausted.' He sighed. 'I'm at the airport now, just waiting for my ride. They're going to take me straight to the hospital. I'm not sure how long I'll be there today. I'll call again when I get a chance.' There was a pause and a shuffling sound. 'I hope work is good today and you've scored yourself a good surgery. I'll talk to you when I can. Love you.'

Meredith pulled her phone away from her ear and resisted the urge to replay the message. Instead, she saved it and then quickly sent him a text to let him know she was out of surgery and he could call back when he had a chance. She placed her phone on the table and spun it between her fingers.

"What's your problem?" Cristina asked.

She shrugged, not wanting to burden her friend. "Nothing. I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"At least you got to be at home," Izzy spoke up. "I was stuck here all night."

"And I was here the night before," Meredith retorted.

"And I was here both nights," Cristina added.

"Always a competition with her," Izzy joked.

It was Cristina's turn to shrug. "What's wrong with that? Competition is healthy."

"Normal competition is healthy," Izzy agreed, "But what you do? Not healthy."

Meredith laughed at the combination of Izzy's tone and Cristina's subsequent scowl. For a moment it was nice to distract herself with someone else's crazy.

Meredith's day hadn't improved by mid-afternoon. She had been stuck in the pit since shortly after lunch, and even though Bailey was no longer in charge of her, she was pretty sure it was Bailey's doing that she was stuck in the pit for the afternoon. It was punishment for that morning.

After finishing with what seemed like her umpteenth patient with a small wound that required a few stitches, Meredith stumbled back to the desk and passed the chart to a nurse, who took it with a small smile as she held out a new chart.

"Another one? Seriously?" Meredith whined as she took the new chart.

The nurse laughed. "And about five more waiting in line..."

Meredith groaned. "Was there some knife giveaway today that I wasn't aware of? This is getting ridiculous." Her fingers were actually starting to ache from all of the stitches.

"How late are you here today?"

"I'm on call tonight..."

"Ouch. I was going to say you only have a couple hours left, but now..."

Meredith made a face. "Just don't say it. I'm trying not to think about it."

Before the nurse could respond, the ER phone rang. She picked it up and exchanged a few words before placing the phone back down on the cradle and looking back up at Meredith. "It's your lucky day. Incoming trauma. Two minutes out."

Meredith smiled as she passed the chart back to the nurse. Finally. Something to take her mind off all the craziness she seemed to be plagued with. "Thanks," she told the nurse as she pushed herself away from the desk and headed to prepare for the trauma.

She glanced at her cell phone before she pulled the trauma gown on over her scrubs. Derek had texted her back about an hour after lunch to say he would be too busy to call for several hours and she hadn't heard from him again. After returning the phone to her waistband she pulled off her pager and quickly paged her intern. She then pulled the gown on and fastened the ties as she headed to the ambulance bay.

The wail of sirens greeted her the moment she stepped outside. The doors had barely closed behind her when the ambulance appeared around the corner, lights still flashing. The driver cut the sirens as he approached the doors, but let the lights continue as he moved faster than normal.

Meredith frowned as she realized the paramedics were obviously in a hurry. She turned her head. No intern yet.

The ambulance stopped and the doors swung open immediately. Meredith stepped forward, taking the chart from the hands of the first paramedic out the doors. "MVA. Unknown female, approximately twenty years old, foreign body in her abdomen. She's been unstable since we extracted her from the car."

Meredith lifted her eyes from the chart as the patient was carefully taken out of the ambulance. "What...?" There was a large, dark sheet of...something sticking out of the unconscious girl's abdomen.

"Part of the dashboard," the paramedic offered, in answer to Meredith's unspoken question. "Old car."

The doors opened behind her, and Meredith spun to meet the eyes of her intern. "Book an OR and page the Chief," she commanded. Bailey was in surgery with Dr. Sanders, the only other general surgeon Meredith knew to be currently on shift. The intern nodded and spun on his heel.

"Okay, we'll take her to trauma one and assess. But I'm pretty sure she's going straight to the OR."

The patient coded twice before they could even transfer her to a hospital gurney and hooked up to monitors. "We're not going to have time for films," Meredith muttered as she felt for the patient's pulse after getting her back for the second time.

Her intern appeared in the doorway. "We've got OR three. And the Chief is free."

"Tell him we'll meet him there. And then you meet us there, too. We're going to need all the free hands we can get."

"Okay, Dr. Grey...Shepherd," the intern stumbled over her name. "Dr. Grey-Shepherd," he repeated, with the names strung together.

"Go," Meredith snapped at him with a roll of his eyes.

With wide eyes, the intern disappeared back into the hallway.

Meredith turned back to the OR nurses who were assisting. "Okay, this is as stable as she's going to get. Let's get her upstairs."

The journey to the OR floor was nerve-wracking. The patient coded again on the elevator, but Meredith got her back again. Her intern was waiting in the hall when they pushed the gurney out of the elevator. "Dr. Webber is scrubbing in," he announced.

"Good. Get the patient to the OR while I scrub in. Do not jostle her any more than absolutely necessary. And she's already coded three times, so don't be afraid to use the defibrillator."

She left the patient in her intern's (hopefully) capable hands as she hurried into the scrub room. The Chief was already there, scrubbing at his hands.

"What have we got?"

"Twenty year old female with a piece of a car dashboard embedded in her abdomen."

The Chief glanced at her with an eyebrow raised.

Meredith nodded. "It's bad. She's lost a lot of blood and she's coded three times since she got here. I've strung O-neg and sent her blood for a type and cross. There wasn't time for films..."

Webber nodded. "You did the right thing. Better we go in blind then have her die waiting for a scan." He finished at the sink and disappeared into the OR without another word. Meredith quickly finished and followed him into the OR. The patient was already under.

She traded places with her intern. "Dr. Webber, is it okay if Dr. Thompson scrubs in?"

The Chief nodded.

Meredith nodded towards the scrub room and smiled behind her mask as her intern nearly tripped over his own feet in his hurry to get there. She turned back to the Chief. "What's the plan?"

"Let's try and get some hands around the object and see what kind of damage we're going to be dealing with before we try and move anything."

They worked quickly and efficiently. The patient coded an additional time, but they were eventually able to remove the jagged piece of dashboard and stabilize the patient. With the bleeding controllable, everyone took a sigh of relief.

"How's your internship going, Dr. Thomas?" Webber asked as he and Meredith worked together to repair the damage.

"It's, uh, Thompson, Sir," the intern stammered nervously.

"Dr. Thompson, of course. Too many new names this year. It's hard to remember them all."

"It's okay," Thompson said quickly, before he began rambling about how much he was enjoying his time at Seattle Grace, how much he was learning and how grateful he was for the opportunity to be here.

Certain she would have been like this with her Chief of surgery a year ago if it hadn't been Richard Webber, Meredith let her intern go on with his ramble. Instead, she focussed on the look Webber had shot her when he had apologized to Thompson. Too many new names this year, he had said. And then he had – very quickly and very discreetly – shot a displeased look in Meredith's direction.

Meredith frowned. Things had been strained between them since she had become a resident, but he hadn't said anything after she had dropped off her change-of-name papers with Patricia. Her new badge had arrived in her locker, and then her lab coat had been updated shortly after. He couldn't possibly be mad at her for changing her name, could he? No, she thought to herself. It had taken her weeks to decide about her name, and he had been treating her differently since before that.

The Chief turned his focus to Meredith. "And Dr. Grey, how is your second year of residency treating you?" He asked the question, but sounded as if he was just asking because he felt obligated after asking Thompson.

"It's going well, Chief," she said carefully.

Richard turned to Thompson again. "And how is Dr. Grey treating you as your resident?"

"Great," he said. "I'm learning a lot." He hesitated for a moment, and then, likely feeling over-confident in the Chief's interest in him, corrected the senior surgeon, "But it's Dr. Grey-Shepherd now."

The Chief's demeanour changed immediately. "I know her name," he snapped at Thompson. "I've known her practically since she was born."

Thompson jolted and fell immediately silent.

Meredith took a breath and willed herself to be calm. So he was angry about her decision to change her name. She had to remind herself that he was her Chief of Surgery and that they were operating on a patient who had been very unstable only an hour earlier. She would not react. She would not get angry. Not now. Not here.

Silence fell in the OR. The only words exchanged were those directly related to the patient. And even when the surgery was finished and the patient was sewn up, nothing was exchanged. Webber left the OR for the scrub room.

Meredith exhaled, feeling as if she had been holding her breath for hours. She sent her intern to follow the patient and monitor her post-op. And then she took two deep breaths and followed Webber into the scrub room.

The air was heavy in the scrub room as she cautiously stepped up to the sink beside the Chief. "It was a good surgery," she offered.

He nodded, but said nothing.

Meredith sighed. She didn't want to push the subject, but at the same time she would have to bring up the subject eventually. There had already been two months of strain between them.

"Chief, are you...mad at me for changing my name?" She asked quietly, deciding this was the best place to start. If things went badly, the conversation could stop there.

"Your name is your choice," he responded, not actually answering the question.

"It is my choice," she agreed. "It's just...you seem unhappy with me."

He shut off the water in his sink and sighed before responding, "I wasn't happy that I found out through Patricia after you dropped off the paperwork."

Meredith reminded herself to stay calm. "Well, you weren't exactly keen about talking with me even before that."

"It's your life, Meredith. You get to decide how to spend it."

"And that's exactly what I'm doing; making decisions for myself. So, I don't exactly see the problem here..."

"Who said there was a problem?"

A small surge of anger bubbled up inside her, and she couldn't quell the whole thing before some of it escaped. Yes, he was her boss, but he was also the man who had broken her mother's heart and treated Derek badly for months. "Well, you seem to have a problem with it," she accused, "Because I don't know what it is that I did wrong, but you've been treating me differently for two months."

Richard's eyes flashed. "I'm your Chief of Surgery, Grey, I don't have time to coddle you."

The deliberate use of her maiden name combined with his characteristic use of the power of his position when he was caught off guard almost sent Meredith over the edge. "I never asked to be coddled, Chief. I never asked for any special treatment, but I do expect to be treated with respect in this hospital and not ignored, like you've been doing for two months. Ever since I stopped being an intern, you've been treating me differently. And I don't know why. Is it because of Derek? Is it because I know you offered him Chief?" She asked, referring to their conversation several weeks earlier. "Because, like I told you before, I didn't tell anyone. And I won't tell anyone. So, I don't understand-"

"I trusted him with you," he cut her off.

Meredith stammered, unable to come up with a suitable response.

"He promised he would do right by you, so I took a step back. And then he..." He trailed off.

"Then he what? What is it Derek's supposed to have done to me? Other than make me happy?" With all of the stress and uncertainty she had been subjected to, Derek was the constant in her life.

"He rushed you."

"What?"

"You only knew him for a year and – for God's sake, Meredith – he'd only been divorced for less than a year. He pushed you to marry him."

In her entire life, Meredith couldn't remember a time when she had been truly speechless. This wasn't about her position as a resident or any knowledge she may or may not have about the hospital. This was about her marriage; her personal life.

"I should have said something when you started wearing an engagement ring, but I didn't. I thought there would be time. I didn't think...I didn't think you'd come back from vacation married. That's not something you can take back."

"That's not something I want to take back," Meredith argued, having finally found her voice.

"You barely know him-"

"How dare you," she snapped, having lost control of her anger. "I know everything I need to know about him. And he knows everything about me. It was nobody's decision but ours to get married when and how we did. And not one person has been upset with us, so what makes you think you get a say in that?"

"I promised your mother," he announced quietly.

"What?"

"I promised your mother," he repeated. "The day before she died, when she was lucid, I promised her I would look out for you."

"I don't need anyone to look out for me," she hissed.

"Meredith-"

"No. This is...inappropriate. I don't care if you're my boss. And I certainly don't care about whatever it is you used to have going on with my mother. You do not get to judge my relationship; my marriage. And you don't get to question my choices. Do you have any idea how demeaning that is? Who cares how long I knew him before we got married. With the amount of crap we went through it felt like years. But that's not for you to judge. My personal life does not affect my ability to do my job, and to do it well, so this has nothing to do with you." Without giving him a chance to respond, she left the scrub room before she lost it completely. He may be the man who had basically destroyed her childhood and was now interfering in her life – again – but he was still her boss. That meant she – unfortunately – couldn't say all the things she wanted to say.

After distracting herself by rounding on all of the surgical patients she had been involved with for the last week, Meredith headed down to the front lobby to get herself a coffee from the cart. Once she had a steaming cup of coffee in hand, Meredith escaped to an empty corner of the waiting room and collapsed onto a chair, tucking her legs underneath her.

She sat quietly for several minutes, inhaling the steam wafting upwards from her coffee, allowing it to calm her. She was still shocked by the Chief's admission, but was no longer as overwhelmed with anger. He had no right to interfere with her life. He didn't get an opinion. She had managed to shove all of her feelings about Richard Webber and his past with her mother into some crevice in the back of her mind, but when he did things like this, she couldn't keep the emotions contained.

Her mother hadn't put any effort into protecting Meredith or looking out for her while she was alive and lucid, so why would she bother making Richard promise to take over the role she had failed so badly in? Meredith had learned to look out for herself. For a long time Meredith had been the only person in her life that she could rely on. But she had slowly learned to let others in. And that hadn't been easy. She was still independent, and would always be, but on the occasions where life became overwhelming, she had Derek. He could always make things better.

At the reminder, Meredith pulled her cell phone off of her waistband.

One missed call.

She quickly dialled into her voicemail.

"Hey," Derek's tired voice greeted her. "I hope your day was better than mine. I'm exhausted." He sighed. "I'm at the hotel now. Call me if you get this message in the next half hour or so. If I don't hear from you I'll just assume you're scrubbed in on some kick ass surgery." He sighed again. "I wish we'd gotten to talk today. Call me back any time," he clarified. "I love you, Mer."

Meredith smiled as the message ended and she pulled the phone from her ear, but she frowned as she checked the time of Derek's call. Over an hour ago. With the time change, it was midnight in Atlanta. As much as she wanted to call him back, she didn't want to wake him. He had sounded exhausted on the phone and was probably sleeping right now.

She remained in the corner of the waiting room until she had drained half of her coffee, and then she forced herself to get up and return to her shift. The elevator was empty when she stepped on to return to the surgical floor. Unfortunately, the elevator stopped on the first floor and Bailey stepped on.

"Grey," she greeted without looking Meredith in the eye. Her attention was on the pile of charts in her hands.

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith responded with a small smile. She suspected she would always be 'Grey' to Bailey after being the woman's intern for a year. But that was okay, because it was used in habit and not to make a point.

"Are you feeling better this evening?" She asked without looking up from the chart in her hands.

Meredith nodded twice before she found the right words to offer. "Yes. I am. And I'm sorry...for this morning."

Bailey said nothing.

Unable to be the last one to speak before an awkward silence, Meredith felt compelled to continue. "I lost a patient in the ER right before I joined you in surgery. It was bad. Really bad. And his wife..." She trailed off.

Bailey lifted her eyes from her chart. "Learning to distance yourself is part of being a surgeon."

"I know. And I'm usually good at it, but today..." She trailed off with a sigh. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"You're not my intern anymore. You don't need to apologize to me."

"I feel like I should anyway," she explained. "I've been distracted and you taught me better than that."

Bailey observed her for a long moment before she reached for the stop button. "What's going on, Grey?" She asked quietly.

She shook her head. "I don't know...just..." She sighed again. "I was fine. And now I'm...not fine."

"Very specific."

A half-sob, half-laugh escaped her lips. "I just thought things were going to be different than they are now."

"Different how?"

"Different like I didn't expect to be stocked by my half-sister, who was supposed to do her residency across the country. Different like I didn't expect Cristina to get left at the altar and George to get divorced. Different like I didn't expect to get on the Chief's bad side for getting married. Different like I didn't expect to be having nightmares about my mother. This is my second chance and I just feel like I'm failing." Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked furiously against them. She hadn't meant to say any of these things out loud, but Bailey had a way of extracting information from her that she couldn't prevent.

"You're going to be working with Lexie for a long time, so you're going to have to learn to deal with her," Bailey began, getting straight to the point. "Yang and O-Malley need to you to be their friend, not get caught up in their trauma when you're still reeling from your own-"

"I'm not reeling," Meredith interjected.

"You're reeling. You lost your mother and your step mother, and you almost died. Not to mention everything that happened with your father. That's not something you get past overnight."

Meredith took in her words, but stayed silent, knowing she didn't have an argument to stand on.

"And just ignore the Chief. Between me and you, the Chief doesn't deserve a second thought right now."

This made Meredith smile. Bailey was obviously still angry at being passed over for Chief Resident.

"He thinks Derek pushed me into marrying him. And apparently he made some stupid promise to my mother that makes him feel responsible."

Bailey shook her head. "Grey, if I thought Shepherd forced you into anything, I would have his head. Let the Chief feel what he's feeling and stay out of his way. He never learned the art of distancing himself..."

Meredith smiled softly. "Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey huffed. "I had to do this for your husband once, too." She shook her head. "You fools need to learn to deal with your emotions instead of trying to lock them up inside." She reached for the button to restart the elevator.

"We'll try."

The elevator came to a stop at the surgical floor and they both stepped off together.

"Grey?" Bailey called before walking away. "Nightmares mean something is unresolved. Find a way to deal with your mother and the nightmares will go away."

Meredith nodded. "I'll try."

"Don't just try. Do it. I taught you better than to just try."

She smiled. "I'll do it."

"Good."

It was hours later that Meredith stumbled tiredly into an on call room. After getting so little sleep the night before, she was exhausted now. With any luck, she would be able to get a couple hours of sleep before morning rounds. And with a little more luck, she would be too tried to dream.

The on-call room was empty, for which she was extremely grateful. She collapsed onto the closest bed and curled up under the thin blanket. It was colder than she would like, but would have to do for now. In a few days Derek would be home and she'd be able to fall asleep in his arms.

She was always warm in his arms.

Unable to give herself the warmth she was craving, she reached for her cell phone and dialled into her voicemail. There were no new messages, but she listened to both messages he had left earlier. Twice. And when she hung up, she felt a little better. She felt a little more like she could deal with everything.

She would figure out how to put her mother to rest. And she would figure out how to help Cristina and George. And she would figure out how to work with Lexie. And she would figure out what to do about the Chief.

And when Derek got home, he would help her. Because she wasn't completely wasting her second chance.

She placed her cell phone on the mattress beside her pillow, next to her pager. Her eyes closed as she felt her mind start to drift towards sleep. She was so tired that sleep came easily.

Unfortunately, so did the nightmares.

She awoke in a panic, just like the night before. Her heart was pounding and her chest was so tight that she fought to breathe. For several terrifying moments it felt like she was back in the water. Alone.

The panic attack got so bad that she started to see spots.

Meredith shut her eyes tightly and rolled onto her side, clutching her knees to her chest. Visions of her own, blue corpse next to her mother's played vividly behind her eyelids. This nightmare had been mostly the same as the one she had had the night before, only this time she had somehow started in the water and ended in the hospital morgue staring at herself and her mother.

She finally managed to suck in a breath of air, and then shuddered at the effort. She forced her mind away from the nightmare in her struggle to calm herself down; she thought of her friends and her husband.

The tightness in her chest loosened enough that she managed a second breath, and then a third. And a forth. The overwhelming sense of panic released its grip on her. Finally able to breathe, she was only trembling slightly when she reached for her cell phone and hit her first speed dial on instinct alone.

The phone rang four times against her ear before she realized it was the middle of the night.

During ring five and six, she debated hanging up, but couldn't find the strength to terminate the call when she was so close to hearing his voice.

At ring seven she thought the only way she was going to hear his voice was through his outgoing voicemail message. But then he picked up.

"Mer?" Derek's groggy voice greeted her.

A wave of comfort swept over her just at the knowledge that they were sharing a phone line. He was on the other side, listening. Waiting for her to speak.

If only she could find the words.

Tears welled in her eyes as she clutched the phone tighter in her hand.

"Meredith?" He spoke again, his voice less groggy and now laced with concern.

"Hi," she finally managed to say.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly.

She closed her eyes and breathed. "I'm fine. I- I'm sorry. I should have called. Not now. It's the middle of the freaking night. I'm sorry. I'll let you get back to sleep."

"What's the matter?" He asked, ignoring the beginning of a ramble.

"I shouldn't have called," she repeated. "I just woke up and I... It was automatic. I'm sorry."

"Nightmare?"

He knew her too well. "Yeah," she admitted in a whisper.

"I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"You can always wake me up," he assured her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not really."

He said nothing for several moments, the only sound on the other end of the line his even breathing. "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered back.

"Tell me about your day."

She recognized exactly what he was doing. He was trying to distract her; was trying to get her mind onto something else. "I'm okay, Derek. I promise. You can go back to sleep."

"I have to get up in an hour anyway," he said, "And I'd much rather spend that time talking to my wife than sleeping."

"Liar."

He chuckled. "I crashed early last night," he assured, "And we didn't get to talk at all yesterday. And I know I won't be able to get back to sleep now. So, tell me about your day."

"It was pretty crappy," she admitted. "I lost a patient in the ER. And then I scrubbed in with Bailey and was distracted. And then Lexie cornered me. And then I got stuck doing sutures in the pit forever. And then I had a fight with the Chief. And I miss you," she ended quietly, "Which is pathetic, I know, because you've been gone less than thirty-six hours, but I can't help it."

"I miss you, too," he responded easily, "So we can be pathetic together."

Meredith couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips. He always knew how to make her feel better.

"Let's start at the beginning. Tell me about the patient you lost."

"MVA. Didn't stand a chance, but still..." She sighed. "His wife was in the car with him, but his side took the impact. She was a little banged up. But when he coded..." She trailed off with a sniff. "I couldn't get her reaction out of my head when I scrubbed in with Bailey. I was distracted. And she wasn't happy."

"We've all been there, Mer. Learning to distance is the hardest lesson there is. We can't save everyone."

"It just doesn't seem fair."

"I know. I feel the same way every time I lose a patient."

"And then Lexie cornered me when I left the OR," Meredith said, pushing the conversation forward.

"And?"

"And I hate that I can't hate her."

"That's very rational of you."

"Shut up."

Derek laughed.

"I just... I want to be able to hate her. I should be allowed to hate her. She's one of Thatcher's replacement daughters. She had the childhood I didn't get. So, why can't I hate her?"

"Because it wasn't her fault."

Meredith sighed as she rolled onto her back, the phone still clutched to her ear. This was a conversation they had had many times. "I still hate the idea of her."

"I know."

"I just want her to leave me alone. We could just be doctors who work in the same hospital, but she won't let that happen. So, we're stuck in some sort of awkward...thing."

"An awkward thing, huh?"

"Shut up," she said with a laugh.

"It'll get better."

"You don't know that. She told me she'd be a good sister."

Derek sighed. "Mer, are you sure-"

"I'm sure," she cut him off. The last thing she needed was another attempt at getting to know her family blowing up in her face.

"She'll run out of steam eventually," he told her. "Just give her time and she'll realize you're serious and back off."

Expecting to be calmed by Derek's statement, Meredith wasn't sure why she found herself disappointed. She wanted Lexie to back off, right?

"So, what was next?" Derek spoke up. "Hours of sutures?"

"Yeah."

"You're a surgical resident. That's part of the deal."

She laughed. "That's not very supportive," she teased.

"I've been there," he reminded. "Many, many times. What was next?"

"Fight with the Chief."

"Right. About what?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Well, us?"

"He's mad at us?"

"Yes. He's mad at us for getting married. Or, mad at me for marrying you. Or, mad at you for pushing me. Or, something. Whatever. He doesn't get a freaking say in our life. And I was so freaking mad at him, Derek. I had to leave the room before I said something I would really regret."

"Back up. He's mad that we got married? He thinks I pushed you?"

"Apparently, he promised my mother that he would look out for me. So, now he's mad that we got married and I changed my name because he thinks it's too fast. He said he trusted you with me and that you promised you'd be a good guy, or whatever, but that he never expected us to get married so soon. He told me that I barely know you and that you pushed me to marry you."

Derek was silent for a long moment, and when he finally spoke he voice was low. "Meredith, if I thought for a moment that you weren't ready to get married I-"

"Derek, shut up," she spoke up quickly. "Those were his words, not mine. We got married because we wanted to. End of story. It's not up to the Chief to approve or disapprove. The fact that he thinks he gets a say makes me so freaking mad. What right does he think he has? And what right did my mother think she had in asking him to look out for me? Like she ever looked out for me."

"I'll talk to him when I get home."

"Derek..."

"You shouldn't have to put up with this. In fact, it's his job to be impartial. I told him before that I would file a complaint against him if he continued to treat me differently. And now he's just turning on you. That's not acceptable."

"Maybe we should turn him and Lexie against each other. Then they could drive each other crazy and not us."

Derek laughed. "Good idea."

She smiled. "So, that's my day." She wasn't sure why she hadn't told him about the nightmare she had woken up to that morning. "Tell me about your day."

"Hmm, my day. Well, after getting next to no sleep on the plane, I was taken straight to the hospital."

"Is your patient famous? You said he was a VIP."

"Not famous. Just rich. And a pain in the ass. His son has a spinal tumour. He's actually the patient."

"Is it operable?"

"Completely. And benign. There's no reason they couldn't have operated weeks ago, when the tumour was first discovered. He keeps ordering more tests and asking for more opinions. And the more time he delays, the bigger the tumour is getting. They were all set to operate last week, but he pulled the plug because he didn't believe the surgeon could do it. He hired people to do all sorts of research on this kind of tumour, and then he demanded I do the surgery."

"At least that means he knows you're the best."

Derek chuckled. "True."

She rolled her eyes. "And arrogant."

"Hey, you said it, not me."

"So, you spent your whole day dealing with Mr. Annoying?"

"Mostly. They asked me to consult on a few other patients while I'm here. We won't be operating on the tumour until tomorrow at the earliest, but I'm scrubbing in with a guy I went to med school with this morning."

"On what?"

"Double barrel bypass."

"Okay, now I'm jealous."

"I'll be observing more than anything."

"Hello, second year resident here. Welcome to my world."

He laughed. "Good point."

"What were the other consults?"

Derek proceeded to take her over several other cases he had been asked to consult on. It was nearly an hour later, when his alarm went off, that Meredith realized he had managed to take her mind completely off of her nightmare.

"I have to get ready to go into the hospital," Derek said apologetically.

"I should go to," she assured him. "Have to make sure my interns aren't killing anyone."

"I'll talk to you after my surgery this morning. Around lunch time?"

"Your lunch time will be my morning surgery."

"Good point. How about I call you at four?"

"Your four?"

"Yes."

"So, my one?"

"Yes."

She smiled. "It's a date."

"It's a date," he echoed.

AN: So, three weeks ago I got to the part where Meredith was calling Derek in the middle of the night and left the chapter there for the night, thinking I could finish it the next day. Unfortunately (and ironically), I got my own middle of the night phone call that night. My stepdad almost died, and I spent two weeks in the hospital with my mom. Needless to say, writing took a backseat. The good news is, he's going to be okay. I've been back home for a week, but spent the time catching up at work. Today was the first day I could even open the file. If there are no setbacks, I'm hoping to update again soon.