Nikos Her Husband

Carol's Point of View

Nikos looked the same. He was a year older than me. He had always looked younger than me. Unlike me he hardly had any wrinkles and when we were at university together I had called him "Babyface". He was not much taller than me but that never bothered me and I usually didn't like tall men anyway. He was dark but not as dark as the stereotypical Greek. His eyes reminded me of big brown gems when I first met him. I thought that he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. I had once been a Daddy's girl but that all changed when I realised how beautiful he was and how much I loved him. I had started seeing my dad as more human over the years and that his views were different than mine. When I met Nikos I knew our views were more similar than those of my parents.

Nikos wore glasses now, like in my reality. When I first met him he wore contact lenses. I assume he wore glasses now, because he found it hard to wear contact lenses for a long period of time. I had always had a thing for men in glasses because it gave me the impression they were intelligent and I had always found intelligence sexy. Before I started dating Nikos, I saw him in his glasses and a pair of cutoff jeans. I thought he looked sexy because of the glasses and his legs.

So here was Nikos and he was a father again. I wonder how he felt about it. As usual he was good with Lucas. He was always better with babies than me. He seemed to just know what to do and I always struggled with this. I just would spend hours at night, singing quietly, holding them securely and rocking them to soothe them when I didn't know what was wrong. Sometimes it was like I was dancing with them in my arms. I wasn't a natural mother. I didn't suddenly know what to do.

Nikos was better with the girls than me throughout the different ages. He just usually knew what to say to comfort them. I usually got it wrong, I always wanted to comfort the girls but I had a habit of making them feel worse. Sometimes it was because I just was in too much pain with depression that I couldn't comfort them. Basically, the sadness and loss of hope stopped me from being able to say everything will be okay. Nikos was able to say the latter and taxi them about when I was crippled by depression. And when I was feeling the latter he could help Tina with middle school and Eleni with high school (help she didn't need often even though she is dsylexic).

I thought of Nikos as a superhero. Someone I couldn't live up to. I didn't want to compare myself to him any more. I wanted to help Lucas with his homework as much as I could and take him to whatever sport or classes he wanted to go to. It would be easier this time because I could drive. When the girls were babies I couldn't drive. It took me a lot of deep breaths before I could ask Nikos to phone the driving instructor for me to start taking driving lessons. For a long time after passing my test, I was scared of driving. It was just a deep phobia I had to overcome. Even though I wasn't completely over it. I knew that I would probably become more comfortable with my driving.

"I'm sorry about tomorrow. I won't mess around, I'll come back as fast as I can." I said looking at Nikos, "He shouldn't be hungry and you can push him in his pram to Varkiza if you want."

" Yeah, it's only for an hour after all." Nikos replied while he played with Lucas in his lap.

" If I am not back before you, I'll leave some breast milk in the fridge. So if he gets hungry you can feed him," I reassured him, looking at him.

"I can't believe we have him. We both agreed we didn't want anymore. I suppose it's nice that he turned out to be a boy. As I wanted to have a boy at first. Saying that I was happy with Eleni and Tina, I felt our family was complete. I didn't yearn for another kid afterwards."

" What can we do? If you hadn't had that stomach flu and I hadn't insisted I was too old to get you pregnant, we wouldn't have Lucas now. We love him, that's the main thing and at least you are getting treatment for postnatal depression now." Nikos answered.

Perhaps that's why I am not as anxious with Lucas as I was with Eleni and Tina. I don't seem to worry constantly that he will die from cot death. I don't feel that I am at the bottom of the ocean and that I can't swim up for air. I'm swimming and breathing air. I wonder if the antidepressants I am taking in this reality are the same as I take in my reality. I'm breastfeeding here so they may be different.

" That's why it's good that I'm going tomorrow. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be feeling better after Lucas's birth. Even though you tricked me and told me the session was free. At least now I can think more clearly and I don't get so overwhelmed," I replied.

"Yeah, it was hard dragging you but it was worth it," Nikos said.

Now I at least had my answers. Lucas was an accident. I was still taking the pill and I must have had sex when I had diarrohea or had a stomach bug. We didn't use a condom because Nikos thought his fertility was so low that he couldn't get me pregnant. I didn't know what antidepressants I was taking. I would have to look for them now and Google how to take them.

"Are you going for exercise tonight?" Nikos asked.

"No, I'm tired. I'm not sure what night it is on. I'll have to check my messages again because Maria is always changing the lesson times," I said, "So don't worry I am here to look after Lucas today.

"The doctor says it is important to exercise so I'll check what day yoga is on again this week."

" The game is on tonight so I'll go watch it with my dad later," Nikos said, as he flicked through the channels on TV, " Is there anything left from lunch today?"

" We ate out but I remembered to order you some pasta while I was there. It just needs a little reheating in the microwave." I congratulated myself for remembering to order a meal for Nikos. It was the first time I remembered to bring him some food home with me after we ate out at lunch. I didn't feel like a failure of a wife for forgetting that Nikos would need to eat when he came home as well.

Carol's Psychiatrist in a Parallel Universe

Carol's Point of View

It seems in this timeline, I have the same psychiatrist as in my own. I found an appointment card with his name, and the same address as before, which meant I knew the way to the doctor's office.

I wondered what I would talk to my doctor about when I went to the appointment. I was a bit nervous and thought I would talk about the usual topics. I usually talked about my girls, Nikos, my dad and family members in England. There seemed to be no major differences in my life here except that I had a baby. I realised that I was still video chatting with dad almost every day as we did in my reality except Lucas was sometimes there as well. Somehow, last night's conversation had included us talking about my mother and the fact she had cancer and that she was no longer with us. Today I had talked to my dad on messenger again so I thought it seemed like a regular occurrence. After my mum died and I returned to Greece my dad asked me to talk to him on Skype every day. We did that for a while and then changed to messenger because I found it more convenient.

Because I had arranged the appointment to be late, I waited for Nikos to come home so he could look after Lucas. I had fed Lucas his normal creamed rice pudding. As he had eaten it all, I didn't think he would need to be fed again until later at night.

I recognised the squeaking of Nikos's shoes as he walked up the steps to our house. I looked around for the front door key, before he opened the door, so that I would be able to unlock the door after I came back from the doctor. I didn't want to disturb Eleni if she was studying and Nikos, Lucas and Tina hadn't returned from Kung Fu before me. I also looked for the car key because without that I wouldn't be able to drive to Glyfada.

"Hi," I said once Nikos had entered the house, "Lucas has been fed, I don't think he will be hungry until bedtime. I'll be back by then."

"Okay, where is Lucas?" Nikos asked.

"He is just here on the floor, lying on his play mat," I said, gesturing to Lucas.

"Okay, I'll have to go. I don't want to be late," I said. I had learned to drive later in life. I still found that I did not know how to estimate how long it would take me to drive to the doctor's office. I found it difficult to anticipate how much traffic there would be.