Sylvia (I)

I feel breathless.... I still can't see my life flashing... few more seconds then it will all be over.

1..2..3..4..

I counted slowly but got interrupted when I heard my cat screech from the bedroom, another cat attacked him again probably. there's no use, I can't die that easily. I sat up quickly in the bathtub, my head is no longer under water. Another failed attempt.

I took a few heavy breath and wrapped my faded light blue bathrobe on my wet body. I rushed to my bedroom holding a stick and scared the cat away. It has happened quite often since I shifted here.

It's been a month since I left home, I was tired of my family. I can't hear their bickering anymore. I should cat proof my room once I get money, it's quite easy for other cats to get in through balcony as I live in second floor. Leo wasn't looking good, he was still scared, he is still a little cat, 6 months to be exact, who isn't used to of other cats yet. I bend toward him and pat his tiny head to calm him down, it didn't take much time.

How long will I have to live like this? I feel so numb, my chest hurts as if a huge boulder is on me. I don't feel like crying anymore, I got no tears left to shed. I stood up and looked at my reflection on slightly broken mirror. My hair needs a little trim; or should I just chop it off again? Maybe I'll feel a little better? All my life I've heard people complimenting my hair for it's soft silver color but it looks so damaged in my eyes. My eyes are a bit swollen; I cried a lot since last night. I untied my robe, the scars don't compliment my pale skinny body much. Each scar told a story of my failed suicide attempts. I'm against suicide if you ask me, but this life seems overrated. Maybe I'm too coward that I want to escape but I get scared everytime I'm actually on the deathbed.

Trains of thought trafficked my mind when my phone started ringing. Who thought about me at 2am? I picked up my phone, it was my best friend Eliza. I sighed and recieved it,

"Hello. What's up." There wasn't much excitement in my voice even though my bestfriend called me after such a long time.

"Are you alright?" Eliza said with a concerned voice.

"Hmm." What should I reply anyway? I was trying to kill myself again? This will scare her.

"I haven't called you these days, I was busy with my finals. Are you okay?" She replied.

"I don't know, I'm okay I guess..."

Eliza sighed, "you know it's not good if you don't share how you feel right?" After a pause she continued, "I saw you shared a suicidal meme. Please tell me how you feel, you're not a burden to me honey."

I chuckled, "I'm fiiiine!" I don't know why I faked it but it's fine. "Are you sure?" She still didn't buy it. "Yess I am, no worries."

"What are you doing tomorrow?", Eliza asked knowing I won't tell no matter how much she asks. "Tomorrow is my day off, I'll probably work on the story I'm currently writing. Why?"

"Let's meet and have lunch together!" Eliza said excitedly, "we don't hangout much for a long time!"

"I'm broke." She knew the state I am in. Well I've always been in this state since I was born haha. Shabby room, middle class lifestyle.

"It's okay, my treat!" She continued, "just spend some time with me, I miss my bestfriend." Guess I have to socialize no matter how much I wanna stay alone

"Okay, when?" I wasn't feeling like talking with anyone but I have to now. "2pm? Colombia café."

"Okay, I'll be there."