Calla Lily

Sometimes I felt something inside me was going to cry, but every time I stopped to think what that thing was, it eventually faded until it disappeared to the back of my mind.

I supposed that just how my past regrets clung persistently to my back, pulling me underwater until I suffocated. Now I entered high school, I realized what I'd done back in elementary and middle school. I supposed *High school is the turning point of one's life*, had a point in it. This educational stage made you reminisce about what sort of person you were in the past. And hopefully, after a lot of reminiscing, you would be a better person in the future. Thinking about this, it still made me wonder what kind of grown-up I wanted to be. But recently, it visited my mind lesser than before.

Soon after the class ended, I left the room with conflicted thoughts in my mind. Usually, Eimi immediately walked next to me when it was time to head home but today, I told her I had something to do. Who knew what would happen if I brought Eimi to the person who left the envelope inside my locker. 

As I walked through the hallway, a warm breeze grazed my side. I gazed upward to where it came from and squinted then, I looked through the window to the students heading home. *Was there someone like me going through this sort of thing?* I thought as I watched a group of girls laughing at each other, they seemed to enjoy themselves.

That reminded me of what Ichikawa said earlier about making sure to respond to their feelings. I wholly knew what answer I would give to them since I had no idea who this person was, but I didn't know how to say it without hurting them. Was there another way to end this? I knew it would be rude to ignore this letter after reading what was inside of the letter yet, part of me still felt reluctant.

"..."

Then, I realized it was also rude to ignore the letter just like what I did earlier. 

*Right, my mind is all over the place today,* I nodded to myself.

Scratching this thought, I walked down the stairs and passed through a crowd of students chatting at each other. On my way, I heard a whistle in a distance. It seemed like outdoor club activities were working hard today, considering they still had a few months before the competition. I heard it from Ueno, apparently, she joined the volleyball club on the first day of school. 

"Heave…ho!"

I passed by the line of girls, seemingly jogging around the school. Though, I wouldn't sure if they could make a whole lap considering how huge this school was. Silently, I admired their dedication. I remember telling myself to have some exercise but I always forgot about it. I wondered if my body would be *okay* in the future…I supposed as long as I had a proper diet, it should be fine.

I couldn't remember when did this happen but I take over cooking meals for me and my sister. Though she was good at making sandwiches, I wasn't sure if a normal person could survive just by eating sandwiches for a year. Not to mention, she often bought cup noodles. Good grief, she was hopeless when it comes to cooking.

The spring breeze blew, making my hair fly around. *I should have tied it earlier.* I caught the strands stuck on my face and moved them to the back of my ears. These days, I always forgot to tie my hair. It was quite embarrassing to have my sister tie it for me. I *am* a bonafide high school student now and since she was busy with her university stuff, as well. I couldn't afford to bother her with such small things as tying my hair.

As I looked at the window to my right, I realized I'd arrived where the non-sports club was located. Recalling what was written in the letter, I walked a little further and spotted a boy standing at the back of the building. 

"Oum, excuse me." His stiffened shoulder flinched as I called him out. Slowly, he turned to look at me. Though, he looked like he lost all his joints.

"Y-yes?" stuttering, he faced me with his hand flooded into a fist. *Did I ask the wrong person?*

I brought the letter to my chin level and showed it to him.

"This...are you the one who left this envelope in my locker?"

"Ah, yes...sorry I..."

"You have nothing to say sorry."

"Ummm, right..."

Then the silence fell between us. I watched his eyes dart around, trying to avoid mine. He seemed to be embarrassed hence, he lost for words. Opposite to me, who couldn't think of anything to say, more specifically, how to turn him down. Had I turned someone's confession down when I was in middle school? Forcing myself to be aware of my surrounding at that time, I met a lot of students acting indifferently towards me. Though they treated me special, I still couldn't bring myself to trust them.

Suddenly, something flashed in my mind. I remembered the fireworks blooming in the sky along with its crackles. *Oh, I remember now.* Someone did confess to me that day. And for the first time in my life, I felt a strange feeling inside my chest. Right now, did I feel warm wrapped around my heart? 

"For the letter... I have to apologize." I gave a slight bow as I said these words. I already knew my answer and I didn't want to regret it again. I ran away because I was scared. This fact roused in my mind again, shaking me until I got back to my senses. "I still don't think about this stuff so I'm afraid I have to turn you down.

I clenched my fist and waited for his response. Truth be told, I was still scared, afraid of hearing his words from my answer. But after he froze, mouth slightly quivered, he let out a sigh of...relieved? The tension in his shoulder gradually disappeared as his previous stern expression softened.

"I-it's okay. You have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I should be the one who apologized since I called you out here this late," he said as he scratched his chin. Though his face had still a bit red because of embarrassment, I could tell we could help a proper conversation now than earlier.

"It's okay, I didn't join any school clubs, anyway."

"You don't? I'm certain they would recruit you after your speech on the first day of school."

*Then I suppose, school clubs don't work that way.*

After a little chat, we decided to part ways. Though, I had no idea why did we talk to each other, part of me felt relieved. For a moment, I wondered if this was adults felt when someone admired them. Then immediately scratched this thought since something felt wrong if you put it that way.

I remember someone once told me to pay attention to my surrounding. Just now, did I accomplish something? If I ask the younger version of myself would she say, yes? As I turned my back, I looked at the sky, trying to look for the answer.

"I supposed I did." Ultimately, the answer escaped from my mouth. Then I...

*Clap...clap...clap*

I was startled as I heard a tiny clap in a distance. As I searched for where that sound came from, I found a girl at the corner of the building hugging her knees to her chest as though she was hiding. *But why was she clapping her hands?* Her sparkling eyes followed me as though she had just seen amazing events in her entire life.

"Ooohhh..."

I looked down at her baffled as she emitted a weird sound. Then finally, she uttered proper words, "What a grown-up!"