Their Secrets

Jay Yi waited patiently as court lady Kim swept through the interiors of the library to ensure no unwanted cretins were lurking inside. 

Her mouth was dry, her hands were clammy with apprehension, and her knees knocked nervously at each other. Adrenaline was appearing in the form of prickles in her spine. She felt like the mischievous child she had once been out to loot a neighbour's orchid.

Jay Yi had taken great care of her appearance tonight, realising she was dressing up to meet Hwan in private for the very first time in her life, not for work, not in disguise as a eunuch or a man, but finally, as a woman. 

As she stood in the courtyard, taking in the simple, aesthetic structure of the library's aged beams and pillars, the upturned eaves on the roof, she recalled Hwan teasing her. 

"I did say sorry to you, but in my mind....you should never know... "

Had Hwan already known the depth of his feelings for her by then? 

Smiling, she gave a conscious once over to her lavender skirt topped with a long yellow jeogori with intricate threadwork adorning it. She knew she looked fine, a far cry from the shapeless ivy green of the eunuch dress he seemed to abhor. 

"You can go in, Bin-ssi. Please be mindful of the time. The library has an angbuilgu you can track time with. We have to get back for the pre-dinner ritual in an hour." 

Jay Yi swiftly stepped in, closed the door, interlocked the circular iron handles, and leaned against it. Large, decorative lanterns sat at various points. There was no sign of anyone. Squinting, she adjusted her eyes to the familiar, shadowy interior, her gaze lovingly glossing over the shelves she had helped organise throughout her stay in the Eastern Palace as Hwan's eunuch. 

Running her fingers lightly over the books, she moved from aisle to aisle, taking in the neat catalogues stacked on the shelves, suspended fabric swings containing new and old scrolls, and inhaling the faint aroma of aged parchment and wood. She noticed some newly added furniture in one corner, notably a particularly inviting reclining plush platform. Hwan actively disliked sprawling when reading anything. Did he add that for her? A soft giggle escaped her. She had fallen asleep so often while reading that it didn't surprise her that Hwan would get her a bed in the library. Warmth saturated her at his thoughtfulness. 

She came to the spot where Hwan had first shown his gesture of appreciation for her intellect - an apple as large as her face. A smile played on her lips as she reminisced about that fond memory.

She smelled him before she heard him, his irresistible masculine odour springing open all her nerve endings. Excitement poured through her like a cloud burst.

"What are you smiling at?"

Hwan's arms came around her, wrapping themselves around her shoulders in a possessive grip from behind as he drew her back to him, his face buried in the crook of her neck. 

Jay Yi's hands automatically gripped his sinewed forearms under his light blue hanbok. "Where were you hiding? I didn't hear the door open to the room downstairs."

She caressed the side of his mesh-encased head with her cheek. He dropped a light kiss on her head.

"I have my secrets."

"You were up here all this time? How did you escape those dragon eyes of court lady Kim?"

"What do I get if I tell you?"

Oh oh! 

"What do you want, Your Majesty?" She asked, her voice taking on a deeper texture she could not help. 

He gave a muffled laugh that sent her senses crashing like wild waves against a jagged seashore. She could feel his hard body pulse with vitality against the length of her back. He turned her around. "I want to eat you -" His eyes were dark, very dark. "But it won't do, will it?"

He stepped back and grasped a hand. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

Picking up a lantern on the way, he handed it to her. Hwan loved dragging her around by the hand, Jay Yi thought distractedly.

The panels of the secret door separated at the press of a lever, revealing the flight of steps that would take them to their underground lair that had been her safe haven and her eventual nemesis.

The achingly familiar musty odour hit her - a strange aromatic amalgamation of aged wood, a paraphernalia of some functional, some old and some valuable stored items and reminiscences of his masculine and her feminine fragrance. 

A sense of well-being flooded her. She pressed her free hand to her chest, wanting to hold the intangible feeling a little longer.

Everything appeared the same as she had left it. The bed lay at the far end of the room, covered with the Crown Prince's regal blue and grey colours. The work table that had helped Hwan recover his arm and had been her mystery-solving hub for months still sat by the foot of the bed. The punctured archery board - evidence of Hwan's iron-clad fortitude - decorated the wall in the enclave.

Yet, something was different. Her eyes widened as her glance fell on the side of the wall. Picking up the lantern that she had deposited at the foot of the stairs upon entering, she held it up to throw more light. The left wall behind the stairs now had rows of books, two display boards with detailed charts of human anatomy, and two elongated tables sitting across from each other. There were two intricately carved boxes sitting on one of the tables. 

Her astonished eyes met with Hwan's eager ones. He inclined his head, wordlessly inviting her to inspect the boxes. 

The containers opened to display an assortment of tools, bottles and jars that could be used in an investigation. A copy of Muwonrok, an annotation of the forensic medicine book, lay on one side of the table.

Feeling the push of tears behind her eyes, Jay Yi clenched them shut. Two days ago, gifts to the bride had arrived from the Royal treasury at the detached Palace, marking the completion of the second step of Napjing in their wedding. Jay Yi could tell Hwan had personally handpicked many items from the overwhelming number of riches delivered during the ceremony - bolts of blue and red silk, gold, pearls, exquisite jade ornaments, precious stones, stunning vases, tiny pots of gold coins, mouthwatering food items, ritualistic items like rice, beans and seeds and innumerable other things to count.

None came close to the gift he had bestowed upon her today. 

"Do you like it?" She could hear the need for validation in his voice at her quietness. 

With no words forthcoming, she did the only thing that came to her mind. Whirling around, she encircled his slim, muscled waist with her arms, burrowing her face in his chest as tears of happiness and gratitude threatened to spill over. 

The force of her embrace rocked Hwan back on his heels a little. He laughed.

"Had I known this would be the reward I would get for gifting this to you, I would have done this long ago."

With a muffled laugh, Jay Yi quipped, "Says he who was determined to marry me off to other people and took forever to fetch me, and then did not show up for ten long days."

"Did you miss me?" He locked her in, his sleeves draped over her.

She snuggled deeper into him. "Yes, the sun came up every day." She tipped her head up. "And you?"

"Nah!" He pulled her closer, "I didn't see any skinny, disrespectful eunuch to remind me of you."

"I am not that skinny!" she pouted.

One hand slid up her back, and the other went down, pressing her roughly against him, flush. "No, you are not," he whispered, swollen with a raw craving for her. 

Jay Yi swallowed and wet her lips, varying degrees of alarm and desire coursing through her inflamed blood as she felt his transparent need indenting her flesh. 

Hwan inhaled her woman's fragrance, which always sent his senses into a dizzy whirlpool. "I love how you smell," Hwan ran the tip of his nose up her sideburn close to her ear. 

They were treading on dangerous ground. Jay Yi extracted herself from his embrace, and Hwan let her go. 

"What's this?"

Jay Yi flipped through the book that was under the copy of Muwonrok.

It was a case file. 

"Court Lady Nam alerted me to this case. She thinks you might be able to help solve it."

Taken aback, Jay Yi felt a surge of pleasure. 

"How much do they know about me?"

"More than I would have liked," Hwan chuckled. 

It was an interesting case. A thirteen-year-old court lady stole from the Royal kitchens for three weeks. Imprisoned two days ago, she refused to divulge the reason for stealing despite threats of dire torture. The investigation revealed she was well-fed and had never stolen earlier. They never found traces of the stolen goods in her living quarters that she shared with other court ladies.

"Once your coronation happens, you can take up the case officially. However, everyone, including me, is worried the dowager might hasten with some punishment that does not fit the crime. She has been known to have done that in the past. While I can potentially intervene, it might lead to more discord than I am willing to tolerate."

"She does not like you or the Princess. I wonder why."

Hwan shrugged. "She is harmless."

"I am scheduled to start my Kitchen duties tomorrow, so that might be a good time to ask some questions."

Hwan wandered over to a small table by the foot of the bed. Jay Yi noticed it was covered with a cloth. Food! Hwan adored feeding her. Love swelled through her body for this magnificent, generous man. 

With a swift tug, Hwan removed the cloth. There were trays of snacks, along with a very special-looking sweet that looked familiar.

"That is the sweet from King's kitchen eunuchs are rewarded with when they pass the loyalty test!" Jay Yi exclaimed.

"You are right. I did a great disservice to a particularly beloved eunuch of mine, so it's high time I made up for it."

Picking up a piece, he offered it to her. Jay Yi bowed, unhesitatingly accepting it. "Khamzahamnida, Your Majesty, for remembering."

Delighted, she bit into the treat, savouring the melting sensations as it dissolved into her mouth. She closed her eyes in bliss. 

He could not help but smile at her childlike glee. Then her throat moved as she swallowed. There was nothing childlike about it.

Hwan tore his eyes away. 

Wistfully, Jay Yi recalled that afternoon. "You were so upset that day."

"What did you expect? I was being auctioned off as a breeding horse while the woman I wanted by my side had lied to me about her wounds and, while dressed in those awful clothes, said she loved a man, which made me see murder!"

"Wanted? I thought she made you uncomfortable, and she was not beautiful to look at," Jay Yi corrected him sagely, her luminous eyes dancing with mischief.

"I will never live that down, will I?"

Jay Yi shook her head cheerfully.

She picked up another piece and offered it to him. "Oh, I always wanted to ask. What happened to that bracelet that you bought?"

A strange expression settled on his face. "It's at the bottom of the pond by the East Pavilion. I had thrown it away right before I met you that afternoon."

Taken aback, Jay Yi's hand froze mid-air.

"Why!" It was more of a disgruntled cry than a question as she thought of the beautiful trinket lying forlorn at the bottom of the pond.

"I thought I would never be able to give it to the woman I loved, that it was over. Little did I know it would never be over. Not in this lifetime...or ever.." Hwan's voice was barely above a whisper. He took the sweet from her hand and held it to her mouth. "I will buy you hundreds, thousands of bracelets. I love you, Jay Yi."

A finger grazed her lip as her mouth closed on the sweet. Instead of biting it, she held it between her lips, a soft invitation in her eyes. 

Hwan felt his pulse quicken. He drew his mouth closer and bit the other half of the sweet, his lips feathering hers. It melted in his mouth, but he didn't taste anything, his mind fixated on her lips. 

Jay Yi knew the look too well and placed a finger on his mouth. "I have to leave," her voice was husky. "So please behave, Your Majesty," she teased.

"What do you think I was going to do? Were you expecting something?" He asked innocently as he caught her wrist.

Squinting her eyes at him in mock aggravation, Jay Yi eased herself out of his grip before popping another delectable piece in her mouth. 

"Are you not starting your physical training tomorrow as well?" Hwan changed the subject.

"You memorised my schedule," Jay Yi laughed, shaking her head. "Yes, I start tomorrow. It will be challenging as I have to pretend I don't know how to wield a sword."

Hwan chuckled at that. Her teacher would be Eunuch Shin, one of the few eunuchs allowed to interact with the unmarried royal women in the Palace.

"Eunuch Shin is quite good. I doubt you will be able to deceive him. I suggest you tell him your brother taught you a few moves."

Jay Yi stuck her lower lip out, compressing the upper one, a thoughtful expression on her face. "You are right. Perhaps I will do that. I always wanted to learn archery, so I am very excited, especially as I do not have to pretend about my lack of knowledge." 

"You never learned archery?" His eyebrows shot up in surprise. Hwan always assumed she was well-versed in most weapon forms. 

"I tried a few times, but there was only so much I could learn in secrecy. So, I focused all my time mastering swords, knives and taekkyon."

"It was a smart thing to do. But then why did you not tell me? I could have taught you."

"You forget, we were busy trying not to get killed," Jay Yi grinned.

"I suppose that is true," he grinned back. "I can still teach you. In fact, I will teach you."

"You will?" 

"Show me what you know."

"Now? I need to leave. My hour is almost over." She expected the hourly bell to go off any time now.

"Oh!" Hwan looked crestfallen. "Come back tomorrow then."

"Again?"

"Every evening, same time, except for the five days you have evening ritual ceremony. We will decide for them closer to the date."

"Will that not look suspicious?"

"My people already know, so they will cover up if needed, but no one will dare try to find out where I am. There are some advantages of being a King," Hwan chuckled. "You have a day off, the tenth day from today, so plan to be here all day. We can practice then. You will learn in no time."

"How will I manage to be here all day?" 

"You are too smart for me to tell you how," Hwan laughed.

"And how will you get away from your Court duties?"

"I will be on a visit to the Gyeongbokgung Palace, or so everyone will know."

Jay Yi could only shake her head as the lure of the forbidden and thrill of danger stemming from their clandestine meetings charted a new kind of excitement she had never felt before. 

The Royal kitchen, located close to the royal chambers of the King and the Queen, was a sprawling area comprising many different compounds. Each building was responsible for a part of the elaborate meal structure that yielded hundreds of dishes every day, from the one that served the King and his Queen their five meals daily to the one that prepared the royal banquets. Lately, the latter had been bustling with activity as it prepared for the grandest of all Palace ceremonies – the King's wedding.

In the absence of a Crown Prince, the responsibility of conducting these inspections would soon rest upon her shoulders.

 It took Jay Yi almost half a day to inspect all the kitchens. She lingered the longest in the dessert preparation area. This is where the child had been stealing the most.

She had chosen to visit the eastern pavilion today as it was the closest to the royal kitchen. Unsurprisingly, Hwan was already there. As soon as he heard them coming, he turned to leave. Hwan caught court lady Kim's loud, anxious, prudish gasp when he and his retinue sauntered past them. Jay Yi's eyes met his laughing, mischievous ones. He was enjoying himself thoroughly. She kept a firm grip on her urge to erupt into a cackling giggle, though she was unsure she could hold on to it if he tried to speak to her, and perish the thought if her eyes met any of his eunuchs. She bowed deeply and kept her head bowed. Thankfully, he did not stop, simply acknowledging them as he went on his way. 

A few more of these accidental meetings and court lady Kim would either collapse from stress or lock Jay Yi up somewhere and throw away the key. 

"Court lady Kim will change my schedule if you keep showing up every time I am out." Jay Yi complained as she sat across him in their little hideout that evening. 

Hwan's brows furrowed in mild irritation. "Let her try. She is not dictating where I can walk in my own Palace." Hwan tilted his head. "Tell me about your day."

"It felt good returning to the Kitchen," she reflected. She had previously frequented it as part of Hwan's retinue when he was the Crown Prince fulfilling his duty of royal kitchen inspection. "I'm certain that a few of them might recognise me. The rumours, combined with my resemblance..."

"Abbamama has issued a decree forbidding discussion of your criminal history. Even if they did recognise you, no one would dare to make a comment. Most are not allowed to look you in the face anyway."

Jay Yi disagreed but let it slide. The small table between them was covered with a cloth. She wondered what he had ordered from the kitchen this evening. 

"Do you want to eat first or practice some archery?" 

Jay Yi had a long day and still had rituals to attend to after returning to her chambers. Spending time on more physical work did not sound appealing. Still, she did not want Hwan to know she was tired. 

"Archery!" Jay Yi said with forced enthusiasm. 

Slews of arrows flew to the board and fell off without hitting it even once. Keen eyes observed Jay Yi as she tried to hit the target and failed every time. 

"Angle your body away a bit, open it up," Hwan suggested, his voice encouraging, his unwavering eyes making quick notes of why Jay Yi could not seem to string a bow. 

He then modelled it for her, his arrows hitting the bull's eye without sweat. 

Hwan adjusted her shoulder and stance, repositioning her hand and fingers on the weapons for the next quarter of the hour. 

"Enough for today. Let's eat." Hwan said. 

Jay Yi heaved a silent sigh of relief. She quickly deposited the bow into its barrel and returned the arrows to the quiver. Retracing her steps to the small table, she eagerly uncovered it.

Two bowls of beans and meat soup looked back at her. 

Her hand flew to her chest as she gasped in delight. Turning her head to speak over her shoulder to Hwan standing behind her, she exclaimed, "How did you get these here?" 

Hwan's lips quirked in reply. "I went to Manyeodang today."

Jay Yi repressed a sigh. It had been less than two weeks, but she missed Ga-ram as if she had not seen her for years.

"She misses you too," Hwan read her mind. "We will visit them as soon as we are done with everything here," he promised.

Jay Yi nodded her acceptance. They quietly savoured the cold soup for the next few minutes, savouring each spoonful with unrestrained delight. 

"What did you find about the girl?" Hwan asked after a while. 

"The investigation is bare bones. There is little to go by. They did not even mention the items the girl was stealing and did not interrogate any other court maids who are often partnered with her."

Hwan frowned. "That is highly irregular."

"I managed to get some information. The child mostly stole milk and cream from the confectionary building and fish and eggs from other places. I plan to speak to Tai Ri and Dai Ri tomorrow to see what they know."

The girls were too young to be a part of her retinue, so they had been sent for training. Jay Yi planned to bring them back once the coronation was over. 

"Well done," Hwan said softly. Jay Yi's face transformed as she gave him her beautiful, wide smile. 

"Tell me about your day, Your Majesty," It was Jay Yi's turn.

"Today was a much lighter day. Fortunately, my study hours in the morning are not long, so I can squeeze in a lot of correspondence during that time. I also did not have too many appeals to answer. So, I skipped lunch and went to Manyeodang. Wanted to catch up with Master Myung Jin's progress with the water wheel." And assure them that you were doing well. 

" How do you shake off your scribes? Are they not supposed to be recording your every move?"

Hwan chuckled. "Yes, and they try. I guess I am too smart for them. It's been quite easy to lose them off my back."

The beans sat heavily on her stomach. Despite her attempts to quell it, a yawn escaped her. 

She was tired, Hwan thought to himself. She had been trying to stifle her yawns for quite some time and had an unfamiliar slouch on her shoulders. Hwan tapped his fingers on the table thoughtfully. He had never seen Jay Yi tired. Bored, yes, but never tired. She could run all day and still manage to take on assassins twice her size in the middle of the night, uproot vines out of the ground with bare hands and not drop a sweat, look after his needs all day, and still have the energy to study her cases deep into the night and yet look as fresh as a dew drop. He looked at her closely. She looked exhausted. A sudden pang of guilt overwhelmed him. 

"Why are you looking at me like that, Your Majesty?" Jay Yi asked as she half-heartedly toyed with the soup in her bowl.

In reply, Hwan took the spoon from her hand and kept it back in the bowl. He moved the table from between them, keeping it aside. Swiftly getting up, he grasped her hand. "Come here."

Jay Yi followed him, too tired to argue. 

Pressing down on her shoulders, he motioned her to sit on the bed sideways. Hwan then sat behind her. He took some time adjusting her position until he was satisfied. 

"What are you doing, Your Majesty?"

"Shh."

Using his fingers and thumb, Hwan kneaded the length of her shoulders and the sides of her neck, finding sweet spots that Jay Yi did not know existed. 

"Your Majesty!" Jay Yi protested, half in surprise, half in mortification. She tried to wriggle away, but Hwan caught her and forced her back into place. "You should not be doing this!" 

"I sure can. I am your husband. I can do anything I want," Hwan said, his voice full of mischief and another emotion Jay Yi could not identify.

"Our marriage date has not even been fixed yet," Jay Yi corrected him dryly as she tried again to wriggle away.

"Stop moving and relax. It's an order." That quietened her fast. "As far as I am concerned, we are married. Once you stepped into this Palace, you were more or less married to me." 

Jay Yi scoffed in reply.

Ironically, Hwan was not joking. As the final selected candidate, Jay Yi's life was now bound to him irrevocably. Perhaps even before that, as his eunuch, she had already been his woman in the eyes of those who knew. Marriage was but a formality that would guarantee their children were legitimate and their son, if they had one, could inherit the throne. 

Yet he understood the compromise she had made with her life to be with him. He would forever be aware that if she chose to, she could, in a heartbeat, abandon everything and walk away without a second thought. Hwan could never take her for granted. 

Unaware of his insecure thoughts, Jay Yi gave in to his gentle ministrations, feeling the pressure slowly seeping away. Without realising it, she leaned back to him. 

"Why did you not tell me you were fatigued, Jay Yi?"

Jay Yi did not reply.

"You are still worried, are you not?"

He felt her stiffen for a moment before she relaxed again as he kept smoothing away her numerous knots that he could feel through the thick silk of her yellow jeogori. 

"I think you should stop, Your Majesty, else I will fall asleep right here," she laughed without rancour. 

Hwan gently turned her to him. "I want to make something very clear. I want you to speak with me, tell me when you hurt and need me. Because of you, I gained the strength to fight against my fate. You are my strength. And I want to be your strength, too. I want you to lean on me, Jay Yi." 

He looked into her eyes, holding her close by her shoulders. "Did we not promise that you will protect me, and in turn, I will protect you?" 

Jay Yi felt a lump in her throat as she tried to subdue the threatening tears. 

He caught her chin between his thumb and forefinger and tipped it up, his chest tightening at the vulnerability reflected in her soulful gaze. His eyes beseeched her silently: Talk to me.

"I am afraid, Your Majesty, I feel -" Jay Yi paused, looking for the right word, "inadequate-"

Several expressions came to his mind, all being some form of either instant denial or effusive words of encouragement, but he knew Jay Yi wanted none. 

"I wish I knew how to help you, Jay Yi." He looked over at the punctured board. He slowly got up and walked towards it. "When I first locked myself in this room, I thought I would die. There was no light, no one to tell me how to move forward, nothing to look forward to. But I knew one thing for certain: I wanted to survive. And I thought that would be enough." 

Studying the aged, intricately interlocked wood of the floor under his feet with unseeing eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out, "It wasn't enough. I died a little every day."

He turned to her, and his eyes dipped to her face. "When you came to me, I started living. You were the ondol to my cold, barren heart." He locked his hands behind him. "I don't want you to survive. I want you to live. I don't want to force you. It's still not too late. If the Palace is going to become a place that makes you want to just survive -" Hwan could not form the words and swallowed hard, blinking back sudden moisture that fogged his vision.

Rising to her feet, Jay Yi walked to him until she was close enough to touch him. "Do you know why I never went to Gaeseong?"

"Because you did not want to live in that house?"

Jay Yi shook her head. "Because, even though at that time it seemed impossible, a part of me hoped to have a life with you. Once, I had wanted to see the world. Then, you became my world. Not leaving Hanyang was a choice I made a long time ago. And it never changed, not even when Master Mun offered to take me around in his ship," Jay Yi smiled sadly at the memory. "The reality of it coming true has been challenging, but you have it the other way around. It's not that I don't want to be your Queen, Your Majesty. On the contrary, I want it so much that I am afraid to fail." 

I am afraid of the fake skin I am learning to wear, her heart screamed silently. 

The Palace bell rang somewhere, telling them the time was up.

Jay Yi went on her tiptoe and placed her lips on Hwan's, her hands resting on his vast, capable shoulders. His hands immediately unlocked themselves from behind and banded her to him, desperate, passionate, hopelessly needy. His mouth covered her, volatile in his desire. 

"Love me, Jay Yi," he pleaded against her mouth.

"I do, so much that it hurts," She whispered. 

He plundered, then gave her everything he had. She took and returned it manifold. 

As Hwan watched her leave, Scholar Cho's words floated back to him - a woman who is born noble but has the spirit of a scholarly kisaeng....

Hwan understood what she could not put into words. To be happy, Jay Yi needed to be herself. 

Hwan vowed to find ways to make that happen, hold her close, and not let her fail.