Chapter fourteen

The last time I was on the beach was the time when I was 12, and it was the summer before they diagnosed my disease. From that age and onwards, I was in and out of hospitals, in and out of treatments, and the hospital and school were the only locations I visited. Back then, I was focused more on treating the cancer, then having the time of my life on some beaches or parties. I did go to one party with Gina, but felt so sick, from just one bear, when I was like 15, that I gave up soon, much to Gina's dismay. She was also there with me, every step. When Michael couldn't go with me to the treatments, she would step in. She would hold my head and tell me some crazy things she did that summer. I didn't have the heart to tell her that i was jealous when she was telling me all the stories. I knew she just wanted me to laugh, and not think about the big needle in my vein, but It was hurting me to think about how instead of sunbathing at the beach with all my friends and Gina, I was stuck in the hospital room, being drugged.

Walking towards the beach, I tried to remember the feeling. The feeling of hot and soft sand on your feet that was always trying to get in between your toes. The feeling of the sand getting too hot from the sun, that you try to tip toe, as fast as you can, to get to your towel.

He took me to a small private beach, where everything was waiting for us. The beach chairs were all set, with a big colorful umbrella, which was sticking out of the sand. He placed a towel on his chair and took off his shirt.

Damn. His body was just as good as his face. The man was packing. Eight packing, not six, eight. When did he have time to work out? And were all doctors this good looking. Probably not. It's just my luck to have one with me, so I appreciated it from a far. He noticed me checking him out, and he snaped his fingers in front of me, "Hey, my eyes are up here."

I laughed out loud, and threw my bag at him, out of embarrassment. I think my face got hotter, than the actual sun. He smiled, and ran to the sea, jumping in, like an idiot.

I took my shirt and shorts off and followed him.

I chose a yellow two- piece swimsuit. It was my favourite one, and it really stuck to my body, showing off my curves.

The moment I step foot on the wet sand, I had to stop and admire. I was mesmerized by the colors of the sea. Never have I ever seen a sea having so many layers of colors. The first one, the biggest one, and the closest layer was fluorescently blue. Incredible color. And, as it went further and further, it got darker and darker, to the darkest blue you had ever seen. The incoming water touched my feet, and a shiver ran through me.

I forgot how cold it was, too.

Zachary, who was now far in the distance, yelled at me. It sounded something like, "Come on, sleeping beauty, get wet!"

We spent a good half an hour swimming and diving. I tried to snorkel, but the salt burnt my eyes, so I reminded myself to buy some snorkeling glasses. I was getting cold, so I swam back to the shore, and walked to our chairs, spreading out on the chair, to get some sun.

I was startled by a voice behind me, "What would you like to drink, miss? Sorry miss, I didn't mean to scare you."

It was the same guy that pushed me on the swing yesterday, "Pedro!" I exclaimed excitingly.

He smiled, "Yes, miss."

"How are you? Oh, and I'll get that drink that's not alcoholic, but has like a pink umbrella in it."

"Good, miss. And yes, I know which one."

He turned around and disappeared out of my sight. I guess this part of the beach is owned by the resort. Or Pedro is a workaholic and works at two jobs.

I laid back, put some sunscreen on, or more accurately, painted my skin with sunscreen of the highest factor. I hated this, but I was sick, and my skin needed it's protection, even at the risk of me looking like a snowman. With my nose getting redder by the minute, turning into one, wasn't going to be a problem. I took a sip of my drink, previously brought by Pedro, when I felt cold drops of water on my skin.

I screamed a little and turned around to see Zachary grinning. He wasn't alone. Tom was with him.

"Hi Jessica."

"Hi Tom, what are you doing here?"

"The same reason I was at the water rafting. Zach called me up. He wanted me to show you one more thing. Parasailing. The boat is ready. So, whenever you are."

I swallowed. He wasn't serious. It wasn't jumping off of a plane, which was my biggest desire, but it was sort of an equivalent to it. I put my drink down and jumped to hug Zach.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," I said squeezing him.

"Ok, ok, ok… You're chocking me, now," he barely managed to say.

I immediately loosened my grip, and let go off him, "Sorry." To tell you the truth, I didn't want to let go off him. His naked body was pressing onto mine, and i was enjoying it, too much. But, for my sanity, I let go.

"Why don't you go with Tom, and I'll sit here and wait for you."

"Ok," I smiled so big, and turned to Tom.

"Follow me, smiley."

He helped me climb his boat, and he handed me a life vest. He put a belt with a parachute on me and tightened it as hard as he could.

"The sky is clear of clouds, so it's perfect. Hold on and enjoy."

Both of my hands tightly gripped the ropes. He started the engine, and the motorboat took off. Soon enough I was pulled back and into the air.

I screamed so loud. This seems to be a recurring thing on this vacation. I was flung into the air and flying. I was flying. I closed my eyes, just like I did on that swing, and enjoyed the feeling. The feeling of happiness. All around me was blue. I had always wondered how it would be to have wings, or to be a bird, and be able to fly so high. To be able to go anywhere you want, whenever you wanted. I was a living paradox. A girl who loves flying, who dreams of flying, but is afraid of heights. But I guess the things you are most afraid of are the things you care about the most. And the things you need to do. Just maybe not murdering someone. If you feel that urge, resist it, and find some help. Ok, let's get back to the flying.

I felt like a different person up there in the air. Stronger. With more life in my lungs, than I ever had. I felt like nothing could stop me. Here in the air, nothing could hurt me. The wind was blowing, but I felt more at piece then I ever have.

You know that moment in the movies when an ordinary human being, becomes the superhero. Like, in the Spiderman, when that radioactive spider bits him. This was my spider. I looked down and saw tiny dots. There were few people on that beach, and they looked like tiny dots by now. Oh, how little they looked. How little we all were, compared to the world.

Soon I started to lose height, and to drop, and I realized my epiphany was coming to an end. In a few minutes I have to rejoin the world. The world where everyone is always rushing somewhere. To get this job done, to get that job done. And yet they had their lives ahead of them. Decades. And, they were wasting all that time worrying whether they'll get to work in time, or that boy will call them back, or that purse was a good combination with that skirt, or if they will get an A on that test. So many useless worries.

And I… I had to get back to reality soon. Hospital needles, drugs and more drugs. Suddenly, I felt claustrophobic, and I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. My mouth felt dry and I tried to scream, or yell to notify Tom of my distress state, and I tried to yell at him to put me down faster, but nothing came out. My body was sweating and I was starting to shake.

The drop felt like it lasted for hours, but Tom, as if he knew what I was going through, turned around and saw my state, " Jessica, hang on, you'll be down in a minute. I can't do this fast, because you'll get hurt. I have to drop you steadily."

I nodded to him, but I couldn't stop shaking. I was panicking.

"Zachary, Zachary, she's not ok!" I heard Tom yell, and I saw Zach and his panicked face, rushing towards me. Great. Just what he needed. I remembered him saying to me that the moment I feel sick, he's going to fly me home. I hoped he forgot.

My feet touched the ground, and I dropped on the boat, in a fetal position. Zachary didn't wait for the boat to get to the shore, when stamped into the see, and swam to the boat. He pulled himself up and onto the boat. He ran up to me, "Jessica, Jessica look at me."

My right cheek was kissing the floor of the boat and I couldn't stop looking at the white color of that floor. I also couldn't stop shaking. He scooped me up gently, and put me in a sitting position, opposite him. His hands were touching my face, and I looked at him. Looked at those beautiful eyes.

"Jessica, can you hear me? Nod if you can."

I nodded.

"Ok, breathe, and focused on my voice. Nod for yes. Are you hurt, physically?"

I didn't nod.

"Mentally?"

I nodded.

"Ok, you are having a panic attack. So just breathe, in and out, slowly, and don't stop looking at me."

Tom was sitting behind Zach and observing this situation. Zach took a small white towel and wiped my sweaty face and hands. Then, he took a water bottle from a minifridge next to him. He poured some water onto the towel and pressed it onto my forehead.

That felt good. Cold and refreshing.

Then he gave me another bottle of water, that wasn't from the fridge, "Here, drink it. In small doses, you need to drink it nice and slowly. And keep breathing."

After about 10 minutes I calmed down.

"Are you ok?"

I could talk now. The panic attack subsided, and I opened my mouth.

"Yeah. I'm sorry Tom, it had nothing to do with you, you were great." I felt embarrassed, again. Both must think I'm such a wimp. Like, this girl wants to do all these crazy stuffs, but panics and freezes in the middle of it. Tom must think I'm a child for acting like this. I blamed the disease, again.

He probably thinks I'm made of glass, with Zach constantly asking If I was ok. Maybe, I was a wimp. Maybe, I was made from glass. I was a burden to him. Granted, it was my decision, this trip, and I didn't ask him to come, he offered himself, but… he was paying for it, and he was here to enjoy his vacation. The vacation he most definitely needed. And what was I doing? I was ruining it, with my fragile mind and body.

"Take me back to the hotel, Zack."

It was his turn to nod. He whispered something to Tom, and the next thing I know, I was in my room and under the covers.

I was sitting there alone. I had asked Zach to leave me alone. He made me promise to call him the moment I feel sick. Before he left me, his phone rang, and he left my room. It was probably Lydia. Good. He should go to her. She was of his kind. She was his age, rich, and experienced, and wasn't having panic attacks midair.

Michael. I thought of Michael. He was my Lydia. He knew who I was. He knew the real me. I needed to call him. I dialed the number and waited for him to answer.

One beep. Two beeps. Three beeps. Four beeps.

Still, no answer. Just as I was about to hang up, a female voice answered, "Hello."

Crap, I forgot about her. His future wife. Anna.

She repeated her "Hello."

"Um… Hi, this is Jessica. Is Michael there?"

"Hi, Jessica, yes I know it's you. Your name popped out. Michael is out, do you want to leave a message, or do you want me to tell him to call you back?"

She sounded nice. Her voice was sweet and girly. Not like mine.

"Yeah, just …. Just tell him to call me back."

"Ok. Did he tell you I want to meet you?"

Great. I didn't want to talk about this. If she only knew what I had just gone through, she wouldn't be asking me whether I wanted to meet her or not. No, Anna I don't want to meet you. Not, now, not ever. Of course, I did not voice that.

"Yeah, um, yes he did."

"I know this is a bit awkward, Jessica, but we are both adults here, and I would really like to meet you? Are you free tomorrow?"

She was definitely the adult one. I, on the other hand, was a sweating, shaking child, who can't cope with her problems.

"I'm actually away, and I don't know when I'll be back…"

"You're still coming to the wedding?" she interrupted me. She sounded worried.

Why was she worried? If I was marrying a guy I love, I definitely wouldn't want his ex-girlfriend to attend. Especially the one who still thought she was in a relationship with the person she wasn't marrying. But I guess that's a difference between a mature and immature person.

Maybe I should be a mature one. Yes, I should, for a change, try at least, to be a mature one. OK, I decided to be a mature one.

"Yes, I'll come back for the wedding. And, sure Anna, we can go for coffee when I get back. I'll call you and let you know."

"Great. I'll tell Michael you called. Bye Jessica."

Yeah, yeah.

"Bye Anna."

This reminded me of something. If you are a movie lover, you will get this. I only have four words for you. MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING. Please, don't let it be like that.

A female laughter broke me out of my train thought. I got out of bed, tiptoed to the door, and put my ear on the door.

"See Zachary, I told you this was a good idea. The two of us are always good idea."

Lydia. That snake.

I didn't hear Zach's voice, but I heard the door closing. I moved away from the, slightly shocked, but trying not to think about what they were doing in there.

I tried to convince my brain that she was there because the tv in her room broke down, and she couldn't miss one episode of her Spanish opera series. And, that the sounds I could faintly hear, were just her excitement when she realized that that character was both a mother and a sister to the main character. I would scream and gasp as hard Lydia did, also. I knew that wasn't the case. But could you imagine how crazy and funny it would be, if in fact that WAS the case. I know, I have a great imagination.

I walked over to my bed, feeling like shit. I put on some local program to fade out the noises from Zach's room, and drifted off to sleep.