EXORDIUM - Fall

EXORDIUM - Fall

I miss... you..., mom.

It took me a lot of time thinking cautiously as to how I will ever complete my simple text for my mom. I lost count with time and for the fifth construction of message I automatically deleted it. It was just a simple text message for her but for me it's as if my whole being depended on it. My sleepy eyes started to remind me again how drunk I am.

I still need to get home.

In the end, I decided to not text her. Like what I used to doing for the past eight years of my existence. Well, I just want to start a conversation to remind her today is my birthday. But like what I am used to for the past eight years, I know I was hoping for nothing.

I just hope that for me, when it comes to controlling my heart, it will be easy to neglect the part that we have the same blood running on our veins. But it is not easy. Never will be. I wondered when a situation between the one that left and the one being left be contextualized, in my situation, the latter is harder.

Before the hatred that I always kept on my family once again consume me, I immediately drank the last drop of vodka from the bottle. I tried to enjoy the peace and darkness here on this veranda yet the music seemed to boom its superiority on my aloofness it didn't gave me what I want.

Due to the lack of tranquility I was looking for, I threw away the bottle at the pool after checking no one's there. The simple act made me smile. Bitterly. Until the smile cascaded into a laugh then it turned into a soft sob as tears began to flow from my eyes. It's like I was drained from all the world's agony inflicted in me.

In this world, I am a big joke.

In this fast, cruel and expensive life I have grown up with, there's only thing I knew the world hasn't given me abundantly. I don't really have it no matter what I do.

Genuine happiness.

That's when I started to cry. Why is being happy so hard for me? Do I deserve this?

I am not on drugs.

I am just a lonely person. I wanted to fill the void within me by doing things the way I knew people will be happy, but every time I am into it, I am reminded how pathetic I am and how temporary things lead to life-lasting disappointments.

So, before my sanity vanished into thin air, I decided to go home.

"Hey, going home?" Jax asked when he saw me leaving. He was sexily grinding on my butt which was really dreary I had to push him, I warned him with a fist ready to punch his face. He raised his hands for surrender. "Chill, mi amore," he tried to chuckle, but I didn't care.

"Yes, please tell Mirth that I am leaving." I didn't wait for his response, without looking back, I left and only Jax knew. I was one of the party's life, but my energy seemed to be weary tonight.

Thinking that no one knew that today's my birthday added some peace within me. The only gift I can give to myself. I don't want to celebrate it with anyone. Not with Mirth or Disney. I just want it to be unnoticed.

I silently made my way home because everyone will violently object if they'll knew. I got near my own car which was parked outside Cindy's house and entered in.

I closed my eyes as peace enveloped my surroundings. I'm dizzy and sleepy. I rest my head on the steering wheel for a moment to regain some consciousness while I close my eyes. As I sensed that somewhat I felt slightly better, I ruled the engine and silently drove it along the way. Every time I realized that I fell softly asleep I slow the car. It is already late; explains why I can't see a lot of cars running along the road.

Whatever sins my parents have committed, I felt like the pain as I grew oversupplied as the world let me pay the price in their relationship before. Thinking that they don't care about me, what I feel, how I am, what I'm doing, just added some salt on my wounds.

I didn't want to be living a life where negative emotions can take over, but unfortunately, I do live with it.

And I definitely have no idea how long I can bear.

All my thoughts were short-lived when I saw someone on the corner of the road, butt out. Literally. Thanks it's not naked! It seemed someone to be doing something. At a distant view you'd be mistaken of seeing a ghost. But I don't believe in them. I almost not noticed that someone I almost bump into his butt. Luckily, I stepped my car's brake. I cussed loudly I almost kissed the steering wheel. You can destroy my life but not my beautiful face, for poo's sake! Thank all the gods I've known I wore my seatbelt on moments ago.

"Son of a--!" I yelled loudly. Who is this lunatic? I am going to warn this nutcase that he is so done now! I am so pissed I could almost have a heart attack. I inhaled deeply first before going out of the car. I wasn't thinking that jackass to be someone evil waiting for victims, all I wanted is to let that someone feel how my aching punch would be on that goose's face. But due to drunkenness, I couldn't walk properly. My legs seemed to have a mind on its own. I get a hold of my car's hood for support.

"Have you lost your mind somewhere else so I can find it and spank it on your face?! Why are you even doing dog-style in here, you booby, half-wit, unwanted arsehole?!" I wanted to talk straight; my tongue just doesn't want to cooperate. I badly wanted to give him a punch, but I noticed that just like me, he was having, probably, his own share of heart attack. He was holding his chest that lifts up then down.

"S-sorry, I was just fixing my bike's gear. It got destroyed," his voice was shaking maybe because of what happened earlier. Nobody would want to have an injured ass, right? He fixed his glasses resting on his nose bridge and from there I tend to look at him. It's just that I can't see him clearly because in my vision, he doubled but I can still absolutely describe him with one word.

A terrible nerd.

Wait, I said one word, right? I laughed knowing my own silliness and I get to give my attention to him again.

"Ow? A nerd with a bike? How common and cheap," I chuckled. "And why the heck would you do dog style on the road fixing your old bike?" It looked rusty and about to be bursting into damage if used. "Are you not allowed to fix that on a more comfortable place and position?" I hiccupped in between the words and my eyes are becoming heavy.

"T-this is the only place where a light's in here. I am really sorry. I am sorry for bothering you," he bowed down saying his apology and went back to his business with his bike.

That's it? He thinks we're done? And wait, did he just turn his back on me? My eyebrow immediately rose.

"Hey, nutcase! I am still talking to you! Don't you effing dare to turn your back on me!" I walked near him that I forgot I don't have proper control over my right leg, it bumped into my left leg causing me to lose my balance. Good thing I didn't land on the hard road because someone just caught me from falling. Or maybe I just landed on top of him. Unfortunately, we both landed on his bike. Our fall became worse we swiftly taper off the road's dirty sides. Our drop crossed the road's outside boundaries. I wasn't able to promptly understand what happened but when I choose to get up on top of him, the road became knee-length.

The heck? Have we fallen on the road's canal?!

Everything was confirmed when I get to look everywhere only to see someone moaning for something painful. He sounded so funny and pitiful I couldn't help but laugh.

I laughed. And dang, it was the most heartfelt laugh I've ever give in. Most especially when I realized what happened and where we fall.

"A-aww," I noticed he was helplessly trying to stand, and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit more. Even though my vision's blurry and shaky, I know I won't forget what happened with me tonight with an impotent stranger.

"Hey, are you okay?" I got near him and offered my hand for help but I suddenly feel dying. Okay, I'm just being too dramatic but from head to my stomach, I know what this is. This isn't new to me but I still hate it every time I want to throw up. It smells like hell. Before he could ever hold my hand to stand for assistance, I puked on him. Like literally showered him with my hell. Though I've seen it was disgusting and I feel like all my intestines are about to come out, I laughed again. This time, it was much louder and harder.

I find everything really funny breathing became hard for me.

Through my peripheral vision, I saw how he managed to stand while he was holding his waist and he was shaking his head nonchalantly.

I touched my stomach because I was laughing violently when I saw how he walked towards me in an oldy way. I cupped my forehead because I can't breathe properly now. Laughing as I was puking, too. I didn't know it's possible, but tonight I did. If ever sunrise will dawn at us today, I'd care less. Right now, I feel like, all my life, this time kept me super alive. My laughter didn't stop.

I was having fun! What happened was funny. Really funny. But the idea that tonight's the only night I ever felt to be alive and happy truly again after a very long time, my heart ached. My laughter turned into a sob until it become a deep weep. A desperate plea.

A painful outburst of blaze, grief and suffering.

"A-are you okay?" He softly asked. He tried to reach the spaces between us yet he was unsure about the idea. His gesture comforted my breaking heart, I crossed our boundary and grabbed him for a hug. He shook once uncontrollably. I don't know. Maybe he was shocked for the hug, could be for his body pain, or disgust, I really don't care. I just wanted to lean on someone tonight. I feel so useless. And a comfort from a stranger isn't a bad idea.

"T-thank you. Thank you," I said between sobs. The liquid from my nose, the puke, saliva and tears probably mixed well as I cried wholeheartedly on his shoulder. He was astounded for a bit. That's normal. I understand him. Who wouldn't be? He's probably thinking I am a psycho on the loose. But when I sensed he was tapping my back softly for comfort and to hush me down, I was relieved. I feel like I gained a trusted ally with what he did.

Even though I know the world's not too good to me as I grew, just for tonight, I felt like I could still find that someone I can lean on. My eyes were too heavy I couldn't take over, I fell asleep.

I remembered he brought me home and lay me down on the sofa. I don't know how he knew where I live but I was grateful for it. I fell heavily asleep again and the rest, I don't know. I was half awake when a cold soft cloth was touching my bare skin. It was Anita cleaning my face up.

She's been with us for three decades or less. I can't remember it clearly how long but there's one thing I know, she made me feel how a mother should let her daughter feel that never my real mom ever gave me.

"God, Aki, you're so beautiful and all but you are so stubborn! You keep on going out a lot and get drunk endlessly! Lucky for you one of your friends choose to bring you home safe." Her voice couldn't hide the annoyance she feels as she repeatedly cleans me up. I just moaned because I am too sleepy and tired to even lift a finger.

A couple of minutes had passed my lying become uncomfortable my body started to ache. I managed to sit up. That was also the time Anita went out of the kitchen. She immediately got near me and helped me stand.

"I'm going to my room." I said tiredly with a heavy head and is still drunk.

She helped me climbed up the stairs.

"Aki, I forgot to tell you your dad just got home tonight. I will bring him a glass of water because his got a headache from a long business trip."

I stopped walking.

"Really?" I was a little nervous yet choose to throw the feeling away because I know it will lead me to nothing. What's the use of feeling nervous anyway? I know even though I won't be doing anything evil, in his eyes, I will always be his biggest disappointment.

"He wanted to talk to you," she whispered. Unsure to say it or not. Anita knew the tension between me and dad. She knew how things will end up every time dad and I try to discuss something.

I was relieved that we arrived at my room's door and I immediately opened it.

"Anita, kindly tell him we'll talk tomorrow." I said with a tone of dismissal.

"Are you sure? He might probably get mad-"

"If he'll raise hell tomorrow, don't worry. I will be fine. I'm used to it, Anita," I laughed half-heartedly at pushed her lightly out of my room.

"Okay, whatever you say." She gave me her reassuring smile, one that reminds me I still have a family around. "Happy birthday, Aki." Anita sweetly greeted and gave me her smile.

I pursed my lips tightly and nodded. Anita, what do I do without you?

"Thank you," I smiled genuinely then she started to walk away towards her room. I stared longer than usual feeling her sincere greetings for me as it warmed my heart. A simple greeting from someone I used to lean on reminds me that I can keep this life up and nothing can beat me to lose this battle.

I was about to close my door and head to bed because Anita started to become blurry on my vision but his mere presence already sent me warning signs I am not ready to face.

Disaster.

"Aki, when will I ever see you commendable?"

Ow? I never thought you're planning to be home, dad? And he is even taking time to talk to me. At least, he noticed me tonight. Can't help but rolled my eyes. Note the sarcasm.

"Yes, dad. I love you, too." I pretended to laugh, trying to fight my tipsiness. I held tight into the door because it seemed like I am about to lose my balance.

The heck with Mirth.

Mirth's other friend, Cindy invited us for a big birthday party, and everything were wild there. I couldn't vividly remember how many shots I took, who I kissed and what crazy stuffs I did. Everything was a blur.

It was fun. I enjoyed it but I knew I wasn't happy. And it added the bitterness within me.

"It's late and for Pete's sake! You are drunk again!" Dad's disappointed face added my tipsiness, plus how his disgusted voice works didn't help.

I checked my smart watch and it says past four. "Dad, look, I am early!" Early in the morning, it's really early. I laughed. I was laughing at my own joke. "Yes, I am drunk, dad. So drunk I need an effing rest!" I exclaimed dramatically.

"Achaia!" His voice boomed angrily, his chest lifts up and down. Well, isn't new to me.

"Goodnight, dad." I dismissed as I was about to close my room's door, but dad got near me and tightly hold my arm.

"I was so wrong about you being different from your mother!" His voice was dark, low and dangerous. He even shook me and it reached to my senses.

The spirit of alcohol took no effect automatically when he said that. He knew me too well. He also knew too well how to bring me down to my grave further… to be more devastated than ever. He always tells me that, but still the impact isn't new to me. The pain still stings I can't get used to it.

I smirked. "Isn't there something new, dad?" Because like the usual, I must deal with him with a numb heart and a poker faced. I have no effing choice.

"Achaia!" His grip on me tightened it became painful, but I didn't mind.

"Dad, I am just living the life you wanted for me," I don't want to be rude but I know our bad treatment with each other wouldn't change a thing.

The wounds just cut to deep that instead of healing me, he was slitting the dullest knife to and fro. And he is not doing anything about it.

"The life I wanted for you?" dad exclaimed unbelievably. "How the hell did it cross your brainless mind that this is the life I wanted for you, Achaia!?" He was shaking me again and tomorrow for sure, he'll be living bruises on my arm.

I choose to purse my lips. I choose peace but as I looked at dad staring at me like I am some unwanted peace of creature, I am reminded again how useless parents he and mom are to me.

"You told me, dad!" My voice shook as rage flooded my being remembering my past. "You told me that you're going to let the Gomez pay for what they've done to me? You even promised me that Oric is going to be jailed! But you did nothing! Nothing!" I yelled. I am full of pain as I said that. I repeatedly say this to him. Every fucking time.

"The heck?!"He washed his face with his palm due to frustration. "That was long overdue Aki! The Gomezs' have lifted us to a richer pedestal! Why don't we just be thankful for them? Without them, our business would have fallen badly it wouldn't support you heavily with all your bullshits today! Why don't you just move on!?" He yelled back.

"Thankful? Move on?" Dad is unimaginable. How can he say that? Easy for him to say that! Until now, I have been battling this traumatic stage. And Oric Gomez is still enjoying the eff on his luxurious life!

"I did that for you, Achaia! To feed you! To let you grow a life full of the riches you deserve! I did it because I need the Gomez for our business!"

"I want justice, dad! And what the hell!? You're not doing this for me! You are doing this for mom! Because up until now you still can't accept the fact that mom replaced you with a richer young hound because you can't give her the wealthy life she wanted!"

"You-", he let his callous hand slammed my face. This isn't the first time he did this. It was the third actually. Ever since my mom left, me and dad always argue. We didn't plan when, may it be his birthday or not, or any merry event, we don't plan on stopping for the sake of it.

Dad's body and lips shook out of fume. Then, I saw regret in his eyes and loosen his grip on me. But it didn't affect me. I am so effing done with this effing life.

"Don't say sorry, dad. I deserved it," calmly I said. "But remember this, you and mom are the reason now, that I am not kind to myself." I harshly wiped tears that started to stream down my face. "I was ruined long ago, dad. You just made it even worst. The moment you chose to conceal the truth behind the sexual assault I received from the Gomez's?" My body shook as memories flashed my mind four years ago. "You end me there. And I'm still in pain knowing it didn't matter for you." I tried to normalize my breathing because the air seemed so tight. "Goodnight, dad. It's not nice of you here at home, by the way." I said coldly and removed his grip on my arm. I didn't wait for him to go. I just closed the conversation, tucked myself to bed and covered my body with the blanket fully.

My tears didn't stop falling. They're uncontrollable. I wish unwanted emotions can be controllable, so that when every thing's not fine anymore, people can remove it and go on with life pain-free.

But I don't think it'll work that way.

Because pain chooses no one and no time.