Chapter 23 - Stars

Zack's POV:

The last nine days since i've been at home have been hard. 

Yesterday i saw Amelia on her hands and knees, searching through the under-sink bathroom cabinets, taking everything out and lifting it. I knew what she was looking for, immediately i knew, and i got this sinking feeling that she would have to worry about me like this for the rest of our lives together. I don't want her to have to look twice at the new set of knives she'll eventually bring home for our house together, or have to put away her razors because she thinks it will trigger me. 

Sometimes i imagine a piece of my soul being ripped away everytime i make myself hurt. Even though, right now, it's the only thing keeping me together, holding me here. I am suspended in this time, not able to change anything, but just going along with the motions of this life. I despise myself, all the time. Like pure hatred. My soul feel empty, lifeless, like i've been sucked dry and the only thing they left was the overwhelming urge to punish myself.

I pretend for Amelia, that much would be obvious. But i pretend like my life depends on it. Smiles all around, keeping my tone interested and not monotone, forcing myself to stay awake during the times she's here in the day, eating when she does even though it feels tasteless, like tar sticking to my throat as i try to swallow it. I want to be good for her, to be better, truly. I am trying so fucking hard, but throughout the day i feel this invisible pull, my skin starts to feel uncomfortable like doesn't feel at home in a non-harmed body. I crave blood, all the time. And i can't even imagine how that must sound, to a person who doesn't think like this. 

Right now, Amelia is sat at the kitchen island, writing on her laptop. I often wonder what to say to her, as i am now. I look at her, from over on the sofa, and think about what she feels today. Whether she's had any flashbacks, or horrible memories. Amelia understands misery, that's one of the reasons we get along so well. Even though she acts like she's fine most days, i know she hasn't healed and is still plagued by that prick. Honestly, if i saw him on the street, i'd follow him to this house and kill him with no hesitation. 

"Hey, what you up to?" Amelia says, her tone light and smiling. I focus on her, my precious Amelia. The thoughts seem a little bit quieter now, while i look at her, less graphic.

"Just thinking," i say, keeping my intonation still. 

Amelia nods. "You looked deep in thought, definitely. Anything good?"

"Do you want to do stargazing tonight? On the roof? There's a Geminid meteor shower that is at it's best tonight and tomorrow," i say quickly. I've been thinking of this for a while and it will be a good place to talk to Amelia without any distractions.

Amelia's eyes widen cutely and she gasps, clapping her hands together. "Yes! Of course i want to do stargazing with you!"

She gets up and fast walks to the sofa, bending down slightly to kiss me. She tastes sweet, like cinnamon, nutmeg and oranges, like the excitement of christmas as a child. I close my eyes, and tell myself to be happy.

Amelia pulls away after a minute, us both breathless, grinning. "What's the dress code for this thing?"

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I have been setting up on the roof for about an hour.

Blankets, candles, snacks, you name it, i've probably put it out. 

I messaged Amelia to come up now, so she should be on her way.

The wind is cold tonight, it stings my cheeks and makes my eyes water. But as it bites against my skin, it reminds me that i am here. I am here for a reason, and i am grateful to be alive, even if i don't feel happy.

The door swings open, getting caught on the breeze. Amelia appears like a vision; black curls shrouding her pale face, dark red stained lips to match a floor length cherry satin dress. Wrapped around her shoulders is a pashmina shawl, orange and red thick material draped across her shoulders. She smiles, propping open the door with the designated brick top stop it from locking us out here. 

"It looks incredible, Zack!" Amelia says, her tone delighted.

I look around at what i've put up; light bulb fairy lights decorate the edge of the walls, in the middle of the roof i've set up two layered blankets on the floor with pillows and food on them, a folded blanket at the foot of the makeshift bed, ready to put over us if we get cold. LED candles flicker, magically being kept alight in the breeze. 

Amelia moves so she's standing infront of me, lacing her arms around my neck and pulling me closer into her warm body. Her smile is wide and lovely, up close i can see she doesn't have any makeup on apart from her lipstick, and it makes me want to admire her for hours in this low candlelight. 

"You look bewitching tonight, Am, you really do. I'm not sure if i can keep my eyes off of you long enough to watch these damn stars," i say with a smile. My voice is soft, as to not disturb the atmosphere of tranquility. 

Amelia beams. She kisses me slowly, making my body warm up immediately despite the cold winter chill. I realise that she's much shorter than she was yesterday when i held her.

Pulling apart, i say with a chuckle, "Have you shrunk?"

Amelia cackles, throwing her head back, her curls moving off her shoulders and slipping down her back. "No, Zack, i don't have my Dr Martens on like i did yesterday when you were this close to me. I thought tonight i would wear my flat pumps so i can just take them off."

I raise my eyebrow. "Why would you be taking them off, Miss Amelia?"

She rolls her eyes. "Because i want to have sex with you, Zackary Chen."