My responsibilty

For the third time in the course of two days, i'm stood outside my sister's apartment rapping on the door with a little desperation and concern nagging at the back of my brain.I wonder if she really needs my help, or if I'm just being too much. I knock on the door again, starting to think that maybe I'm doing this just t reassure myself more than to check up on her. I really want to talk to someone, to not feel excluded or alone anymore... not that I'm at the right place, judging on how our relationship has plummeted of recent.Lost in thought, i hardly notice the door open and the hard face of my sister staring into me."Hi, Hyori. Wanna come in." She's blank as a piece of paper and only brightens up when she sees my baby Joon hiding behind my right leg, peeking out at her as if she's some kind of creature."Hi Hajoon, did you miss auntie??!"Of Course he doesn't reply, so we make our way in and i get straight to the point."Mijoo-eonni."She side eyes me, preparing a cup of squash for the toddler who is unusually shy for being with his auntie. As usual she treats him like her own, grabbing him onto her lap and feeding him the drink without him or me objecting because we're both scared of her. I watch in jealousy as she gets to hold him close while i stand here at the kitchen counter, squirming within myself and feeling very uncomfortable."Um.. basically.." I sigh and try again. "I wanted to talk about your shop. I still want to help part time... it feels stupid leaving you to deal with it all even after what happened."Mijoo eyes me with a cold glare as her jaw tightens and she grips the juice cup tightly. Unintentionally, she starts to overpour the drink and i watch in annoyance as Hajoon struggles to keep up. "Stop tipping it like that.' I jeer, rather harshly."Do you think I'm not strong enough to handle it alone?" She dismisses me, even ignoring Joons small noises of discomfort. "I said, I can run the shop and I'm fine.""But you're not," I tell her. "You're not my Mijoo anymore....you're like a total stranger..""Oh... so this is for your benefit?" My older sister's eyes narrow as she sets the cup down and carelessly lets Joon from her lap, standing up to come eye to eye with me. "You're selfish.""I'm not, i'm anything but selfish!"It was a stupid thing to say, since i know I've been a brat i the past... but right now I'm doing all I can to heal her from her abusive past with her ex and she's not letting me. If I hadn't called the police on him that night, who knows if she'd even be alive right now.."You can go, be back in an hour.""An hour?" This wasn't the reaction I expected. "Yes, to get Hajoon."My heart almost stops for a second as i realise she's proposing that i should leave my toddler at her house- and i quickly shake my head 'no' as i grab his hand from his side. "It's okay, we're going now. But... buut mijoo..." "what?" Mijoo has reached her peak of irritation, and is now roughly pulling food out of the fridge and aimlessly throwing it on a chopping board."Mijoo, call me. When you need me. And I'll come in to work at the shop from Monday, okay? Don't pay me. I just wanna help."Mijoo keeps her back turned now, her mind straying as she starts to dice a cucumber with it's plastic still wrapped on. She says nothing for a good few minutes..which I wait through, trying to be resistant to show up for my sister when she needs me. Even little Hajoon says nothing, though I can tell he's uneasy and bored."Mijoo..?""Thanks Hyori. I'll see you later."We've become so bad that that alone is a breakthrough...my face splits into a grin as I blow her a kiss when she can't see. "I love you, mijoo. See you later!" Joon grasps my hand as we head to the door and make our way out..but I don't forget to stick a post-it note on the inside of the main door reading:안녕하세요 큰 언니 저는 당신을 너무 사랑하고 항상 당신 곁에 있을 거예요! 날 곰들에게 던져줘... 내가 살아있는 한 널 지켜줄게Hey big sister I love you so much and I'll always be here for you! throw me out to the bears... as long as i'm still alive I'll protect you(I did my best to translate it, it may be a bit incorrect) And then, we head down the stairs and out of the building to leave from there. I can only feel guilty. Guilty about everything. That my child doesn't have a father, that my sister is going through so much, that our parents were grade obsessed and half de-owned us because we didn't perform too well at school, that I'm not doing well even at the police university I'm currently attending.Sometimes I've just had enough... and I get the feeling that I'm just going to give up...but Joon and Mijoo are what drive me to try and push through each day, just to fill their needs. Just to get a good job to financially support them. Just to put them at ease.My head full of thoughts, I drive Joon to my mother's house where he will stay until I collect him to take him to my friend's and then Mijoo's, and I'll find some time to be with him on the weekend. It's my routine which we've both got used to overtime.. but today I'm late so I have to rush all the way to my university evening class straight after dropping him off. Its 6:05 when i get there and by the time I'm bursting through the doors its 6:08. I get in the lecture stadium and am met with complete silence from the tutor and all my peers. "I'm so sorry, I... I had an emergency." It's word that I'm the only teen here at university with a toddler, so the tutor nods with the faintest trace of sympathy and nods towards my chair. I immediately make my way through the stalls of chairs and up the stairs to my cosy space at the top or the stands, pulling out my laptop on my way... but as soon as I'm making my way down the last row, i spot that my chair is not vacant. Occupying it, is.."Oh, Kwan Hyori! I forgot to tell you, That's our new student Oh Minjun.. Please sit beside him."The lecturer shouts to me at the last minute, and I intake a sharp gust of breath as i sit gingerly on the chair beside the new student. Transferring this late in the course?He won't take his eyes off me, either. He's watching me with a kind of comical smile like he finds something funny or amusing.. and he even has the audacity to say quietly:"Hi, I'm Oh Minjun."I smile curtly and turn my back a little to show i don't want to socialise. The second I turn back to plug my charger into the dock under the desk, I find Minjun staring at me with a slightly amused/slightly cold and angered look on his face. He scares me.. I actually flinch, and make a mental note to ask the tutor if I can change seat at the end of this session. All the same, i block Minjun out and start to type out my remaining work from last session.. my brain sinking from tiredness and images from everything that's happened in the past few weeks. Without Joon by my side, his tiny warm fingers enveloped in my hand, It's hard to remind myself how real and material my family are. How they still need me. How this is for them. This is just an inescapable nightmare that i have to live, to make joon's life better than mine. To make his future much better. And to take care of my elder sister, after my brother and parents abandoned this pitiful, youngest child.