2. Chapter 2
CARINA’S POV
-How are you holding up? – Amelia asked for the hundredth time this week. It was good to feel her concern and – why not – love towards me, but it was starting to drive me crazy.
-I don’t cry as much, I guess that’s sign of improvement. - I stirred the food on my plate avoiding eye contact but there was no real urge to eat at that moment. All I wanted was to go back in time, to three weeks ago when the possibility of having a baby was still real. Because now I knew. I knew it wasn't a possibility.
I feel like shit, Maya feels terrible too and we just can't get over all the pain that gripped both of us. I know it's a phase, I told her: We’ll get through this together. I believe that.
I have to believe.
-Baby steps. – Amelia drank up some of her smoothie. – Maybe she’ll change her mind.
-Stop. – I sighed. - Don't say that. First, it's condescending. Second, Maya doesn't need to change her mind. I deal with women every day and I always hold to the idea that no woman needs children to feel complete. I wished with all my heart that Maya wanted to have a baby with me, but she doesn't, and I have to wrap my mind… No, head! I have to wrap my head around it.
-I’m not trying to be condescending, I’m just trying to give you some hope. – I felt my friend’s hand in mine, keeping me from moving the fork around the plate.
-I don’t think there’s hope to that. – I bit my lip hard. I can’t cry anymore, my head’s throbbing from my usual morning cry and I'm trying to stick to the goal of just one cry per day lately so I’m focusing on other things to mask the sorrow within. The pain on my lip will have to do the trick.
The rest of lunch went by without any further topics, Amelia told me all about the mess her relationship with Link was in, and I could also see that, despite her tough pose, she was also suffering from the unpredictability of the situation.
-You have a baby and you’re running from marriage, my wife ran after marriage and is running away from babies. I think we should give both of us a chance, we're quite compatible right now. - I joked and Amelia gave me a very suggestive smirk. – Dio mio, Amelia! I'm kidding!
-You know what they say: Every joke has an underlying truth. – She laughed a little. – But don’t let Maya know I said that.
-I won’t. – Although I knew I probably would someday.
-I know I'm no marriage expert, but I think you guys are doing a good job. Except for this disagreement, I think you guys have the healthiest relationship I know, firefighter Barbie is completely crazy about you.
-And I'm completely crazy about her too. - I muttered crossing my arms over my chest and momentarily remembering the night we watched a movie last week, the way we kissed, how much I wanted to touch her and make her feel good. I missed my wife. So much.
-Grieving is normal. But... Don't you think maybe it's time for you to let her get closer again? – Amelia asked nervously nibbling her lower lip.
-I just don't know how to do this, it's like every time we're together I can only focus on the idea that she doesn't want to have kids.
-Carina, you can definitely focus on that gorgeous pair of boobs she has.
-Amelia! - I scolded her, jumping a little in the chair. - It's my wife you're talking about.
-With all due respect, with all due respect! You know I have a crush on her. – She joked and I rolled my eyes. – But now I'm serious, your marriage is amazing. You love each other and need to refocus on that love.
-I know, you're right.
-I love hearing that sentence! – She laughed openly. – Okay, now it's your turn to ask Maya to have a conversation with Link to calm this urge he has to marry me.
-Maya was the person who convinced me to want to marry her, I don't think she can help you with Link. – I shrugged and Amelia sighed heavily.
-I’m screwed!
-A little, yes. – My pager went off. – I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later.
-Bye, Carina!
One more baby to bring into this mess of a changing world, one more mommy overloaded with happiness to have her baby in her arms, to meet the being who spent the last 20 weeks kicking her belly, one more time I would have to hold back my tears and not think about how I would never feel that.
I've never had problems at work, I've never been a very emotional person during births, but since my conversation with Maya, since the day I knew it was definite I wouldn't have a child, I can't go through an entire shift without crying.
I still can't get over the idea of having a blond bambino with big blue eyes running around the house while swinging a toy fire engine through the air.
Maya's baby. Our baby.
Our baby that I would never get to know.
-Dr. Deluca, thank you so much! – My patient said, touching her baby's red cheek as he nursed.
-Your welcome! You've already delivered the placenta and everything seems to be completely normal, I'll let you two enjoy this moment alone. – I left the room and took a few deep breaths, happy that there were no more suffocating masks covering my face at that moment.
-Are you okay? – Jo asked from behind me, I turned quickly and ran my hands quickly down my face, brushing away the stubborn tears that flowed down.
-I'll be fine. – She nodded as if she understood perfectly what I meant. And maybe she did.
At the end of my shift, I got in the car and mechanically drove back home, dragged my feet up the stairs – a habit that had been developed on account of Maya, who refused to use the elevator daily – and as soon as I got home I creased my forehead upon hearing the noise of the shower coming from the bedroom.
Maya was supposed to have a 24-hour shift today, I was prepared to sleep alone in bed after maybe crying some more, setting aside my goal of one cry a day.
I walked towards the bedroom and saw that the bathroom door was open, I could clearly see the pale body of the woman I loved with her back to me as she ran her fingers over her scalp, rinsing off the shampoo. My eyes roamed over the defined muscles of her back, the smooth curve her lower back made before it mended with her perfect round ass. Maya's shapely legs now had some traces of the foam running down her body, and the slow movement of the bubbles over her skin was strangely arousing. And made me envious.
It was my touch that I wished was slowly running over the softness of her skin.
-Care to join me or are you just enjoying the view? – I heard her voice and lifted the gaze that once rested on her ass.
-I... I thought you'd be at work. -I completely ignored her question and had to try hard to keep looking at her face now that she was turning in my direction.
-Some things happened, no big deal, but Captain Beckett I think it would be better if I leave the shift earlier.
-Did you get hurt? - I asked already feeling my heart beat faster with the possibility.
-The stairs of the house gave way, I fell sideways on a wooden log, but I didn't have anything serious, not even a scratch. I'm just a little sore. – Maya turned off the water and reached for the conditioner bottle.
-We should get an x-ray just to rule out the possibility that you might have broken something... - I started.
-Carina, you know that if I have to do an x-ray for all the bruises I have at work I'll get some cancer before I'm 50 years old. – She laughed before running conditioner through her hair.
The action was such a trivial thing, but I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the gentle movement of her fingers over the strands of her hair. All I wanted was to take off my own clothes and jump in the shower with her, press her against the tiles and kiss her desperately. I wanted to feel her strong hands pulling me closer as I squeezed those perfect breasts just the way she likes it.
-Are you okay? No need to worry... I told you, I'm fine. – Maya creased her forehead and I don't think I was doing a good job hiding how hot and bothered I was.
-O-Okay, I'll... I'll start dinner. – I said, ready to turn around.
-Oh, I bought the basil. I forgot to buy it last week, but I remembered today. – I heard her say.
-I'll make lasagna then.
-My favorite. - She smiled before turning on the shower again.
-I know, Bambina. – I turned to leave the bathroom, but then I thought about what Amelia had told me earlier, to refocus on our love. I took a few steps to the glass door that separated me from Maya and pushed it open. – Can I get a kiss?
I think even Maya was taken aback by the gesture, but she soon grinned – and seeing that beautiful smile warmed my heart – and ran her hand down her face to brush away some of the water before leaning down and putting her mouth over mine.
It wasn't a heated kiss, it was simple and gentle, but we both knew it represented the beginning of a new chapter.
A chapter on starting over and getting past this hard time.