12. Chapter 12

CARINA’S POV

Rationally I understood exactly what was going on, I knew it wasn't anyone's fault and the reason why this happened wasn't related to lack of care on my part. But emotionally I felt destroyed and failed, I couldn't face Maya for more than two seconds without thinking that I hadn't been able to take care of the most precious thing she had, her baby. And even though I didn't want to, guilt invaded me and only shared space with an overwhelming sadness.

After the procedure for taking the baby out of me I woke up inside a room in the Grey Sloan, with Maya sitting in the chair beside me, her eyes red and puffy, sniffing a lot and holding my hand. For a second, while still groggy from the anesthesia, I wondered why she was so sad and then I remembered.

Then I remembered looking so many times for my baby's heartbeat and not finding it, I remembered Addison saying she was sorry, and I remembered seeing her dragging Maya out of the room. I don't know what they were talking about, but I remember hearing Maya's desperate crying outside and feeling a huge pain in my chest.

Now, awake, and free of anesthesia, all I felt was pain. Physical and emotional pain.

Tears streamed down my face, and I no longer tried to stop them. This loss reminded me of Andrea, it reminded me of the other innocent person who had died way too soon, and it all added to my emotional charge, making me cry more and more because I needed to externalize everything I felt. Maya held my hand at all times, but she didn't say a word, sometimes she just cried with me, but discreetly, softly, trying not to be noticed.

-You want water? – Maya asked softly, her voice was scratchy because of all the crying. I shook my head and she sighed. – You have to drink some water, or you'll end up dehydrated.

-I have an IV, I won't dehydrate. But you should drink some. – I replied and my voice was as bad as hers. – Please, Bella.

She just nodded and stood up, letting go of my hand and pouring herself some water with her back to me. I saw her bring the glass to her lips for a few seconds, but then she didn't turn back around, just lowered her head and sniffed a few times before running her hand over her face and taking a deep breath.

-You can cry, Maya. – I whispered and she shook her head. It made me even more desperate to think about how Maya's head would be right now. Knowing my wife, she would try to be my rock in this time of crisis, she would neglect and hide her feelings and turn away from me and anything that reminded her of our loss.

-I am fine. – She said. She wasn’t. – I am fine.

-You're not fine, I'm not fine. – I said back already feeling my throat close. The sadness was suffocating and crippling. There was no room for any other feeling to approach me, just maybe the pain and the guilt.

-I know you're not okay, I'm here to help you, Carina. – She finally turned to me, took another sip of water, and sat back down beside me. – I am here.

For the first time in a long time, I saw an expression on Maya's face that I hadn’t seen in ages. Eyes forward. She was running inside her mind, and I knew it wasn't healthy at all, but I didn't stop her, I didn't say a word to get her out of her head because I knew there was too much to process, and we wouldn't do that right now. Now I would let her run in her mind.

-Carina, I want you to spend the night here just to make sure no bleeding will happen, okay? – Addison said when she came to examine me. – Maya, can I talk to you for a moment?

My wife followed the redhead out of the room, and I sighed. I hated that part, knowing she was probably asking Maya to be strong and help me with this process, I knew that's what she was doing because I was the one doing it when I had to break this terrible news to my patients and their partners. Knowing that Maya was already putting enough pressure on herself didn't help me at all through this difficult time because I knew that in addition to worrying about my pain, I would also have to make sure she didn't drown in hers.

I didn't want Maya to be strong for me, I needed us to be strong for each other. The pain I felt was immeasurable, I felt empty inside, my uterus literally ached, but I knew Maya was suffering as much as I was.

I remembered every morning she was late for work because she had spent too much time talking to the baby on my stomach, stroking my skin and kissing the area between conversations. She hated being late, but for the past 13 weeks she'd been late with a smile on her face, not caring because “it was a noble reason” – she would say.

I remembered all the messages I got during the day, Maya always asking me how I was and how I was feeling, reminding me to eat and hydrate myself enough. I remembered the massages she gave my feet practically every night, even when tiredness was stamped on her face. I kept saying she didn't need to, and she said: Of course you do, you deserve to relax after a tiring day with my baby making you feel extra tired.

What I wouldn't give to feel extra tired because of her baby right now.

-Hey, Carina! I am here! – Maya said as soon as she returned to the room, and I didn't realize I was crying so much until she ran her hands over my face. The blonde climbed onto the bed and lay down beside me not caring about hospital protocols and I instantly rolled over her body and laid my head on her chest. – I'm right here, love.

My head ached and my chest didn't seem to have enough air, I felt Maya's hands on my back and that just made me more comfortable to cry even more. It was too soft. But at that moment she needed to hold me as much as I needed to be held, even though it was too soft.

I couldn't sleep, and neither did Maya. Sometimes I saw her with her eyes closed, but I knew she wasn't sleeping. With every move I made, I felt her eyes on me.

-I'll stay in the chair so you can try to get some sleep. – She whispered before kissing my head and starting to get out of bed.

-Please stay. – I also asked in a whisper.

I saw the doubt on Maya's face, but she stayed and held me all night. I think at some point between cries my body gave in and I ended up falling asleep.

-Where's Maya? – I asked turning to Amelia who was sitting next to me in the chair. – Where's Maya, Amelia?

I felt a wave of panic approach my body, my chest already felt tighter, and more tears were already appearing in my eyes. I couldn't lose Maya.

-She asked me to stay here, she had to go to work to communicate the reason for her absence yesterday and said she would ask for a few days off. – Amelia explained and took my hand. – She didn't want you to wake up alone.

Tears streamed down my face.

-My baby died, Amelia. – I knew I needed to say out loud what happened, I knew it was part of the process, but saying it out loud only made things more real.

-I know honey! And I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I know how you're feeling... It's not something I like to share, but I had a baby before Scout, when I was still on drugs and... And he was born without a brain. Which is ironic, I know. And I suffered so much, it hurt so much, I thought I couldn't take it. I thought I was going to die. And that pain will never completely go away, but it will get better! And I'm sure your process will be better for having such a wonderful wife as Maya by your side! You guys will get through this, I'm sure! And you’re going to try again, and you’re going to have beautiful Italian firefighter babies.

-She was so excited about this baby, Amelia. She talked to the baby every day, kissed my belly whenever possible and I didn't think she would be that person, you know? It was an amazing surprise, and now I failed...

-Stop! Don't even continue! You haven't failed at all, Carina! You did your best, and Maya did her best. These things happen, but it won't be the end of your story! – My friend got up from her chair and took my hand.

-I'm afraid she doesn't want to try again. I'm afraid Maya will tell me that's why she didn't want to try having kids. And I'm going to lose her, Amelia.

-You will never lose me. – Maya spoke from the doorway, and I jumped a little at the sound of her voice. She came to the other side of my bed and kissed my forehead. – You'll never lose me, do you hear me?

I just nodded.

-Thanks for staying with her while I sorted things out at work, Amelia. – The blonde spoke, and Amelia just nodded but then walked around the bed.

-I'll hug you now, and I know this sucks, and that you're feeling all the feelings but I'll hug you now and then I'll leave. –Amelia announced before pulling Maya into a hug. – You two will be just fine. I know so.

-Thank you, Amelia. – Maya said in a whisper.

Addison showed up with the discharge papers shortly after, I got a prescription to buy some meds, and Maya soon said we'd stop by the pharmacy on the way home.

My wife helped me get dressed, her gaze lifeless as she pulled the shirt over my head and guided my arms through the sleeves.

-Can you not button my pants, please? – I asked softly unable to face her beautiful and now so sad blue eyes. – I'm a little sore.

-I... Do you need something? Any medicine? I can ask... – She spoke immediately turning her head toward the bedroom door.

-No, Maya... It's normal to be a little sore. – I explained and she nodded.

She pushed the waiting wheelchair out of the room, and I could only think that I walked into this hospital yesterday thinking it would be one of the best days of my life, and today I was leaving the hospital going through the worst day of my life. I don't think it's fair for me to think that way, after all I lost my brother just over a year ago, but this loss was different. It was the loss of my baby. The loss of my baby with someone else. The loss of a baby I didn't even have the pleasure of knowing, but I had the pleasure of feeling inside me, of seeing my body change under the effects of its small growth.

And now my baby is gone.

Maya didn't say anything on the way home, I could only imagine how many thoughts and feelings were inside her right now. She stopped the car in front of the pharmacy and asked me to stay in the car while she got the medications; she came back not long after and took us home.

-Do you want me to carry you? – She asked helping me out of the car.

-I can walk. – I said back, and she just nodded but wrapped an arm around my waist to support some of my body weight.

We got into the elevator and waited patiently until the doors opened on our floor. Maya opened the door and helped me into the bedroom.

-Addison said you should rest a while longer. I'll make you some soup, sounds good? – The blonde asked after helping me change my clothes to something more comfortable.

-Sounds good. – I replied weakly.

-I'll be right back. – She said and kissed my forehead.

The bed was too comfortable, I felt the warmth and softness of the comforter on my legs and the pillow on my back. I didn't want to be so comfortable, but the pain in my pelvis kept me from getting out of bed and sitting on the floor. I felt overwhelmed and much more sensitive than I would have liked, it felt like every nerve in my body was exposed and every stimulus was heightened in my brain.

That was the main difference between the grief I had with Andrea and this moment. Now I had a physical pain in my body reminding me every second of my loss, I couldn't forget for a second what had just happened.

I cried for a while, there was no point in holding back the tears. I ran my hand over my belly, suddenly it felt so empty and lifeless, I no longer remembered what it was like to have an empty uterus even if I had only been pregnant for 13 weeks.

When Maya came back with soup on a tray and a glass of apple juice, I realized that she too had used that moment to cry. What made me insecure was not knowing whether or not to ask about it, whether or not to start this conversation now.

-Do you want to talk? – I asked, thinking it was the best way to decide how to proceed now.

-Not now, but if you want to talk, I'm here to hear you. – She replied placing the tray on my lap.

-It's okay if you don't want to talk now, but I think we should talk eventually. – I said and she nodded. –You should call Dr. Lewis.

-I don't want to talk to anyone right now, Carina. Not even with Dr. Lewis. – She said back. – The only person I'd like to talk to is no longer here.

Her words didn't come out of her mouth in anger but in deep sadness and it touched me in a very intimate way. My wife missed our baby. I didn't know how to proceed because I also missed our baby, I didn't know how to help, but I reached out my hand and she took it, she let me keep touching her for a few minutes and after a while, with her free hand Maya took the spoon from the tray and filled it with some soup, blew on it briefly and brought the spoon to my lips. I opened my mouth and let my wife feed me. If taking care of me was something that would help her, I would let her do it.

Apparently, it really helped.

Maya bathed me after a few hours, washed my hair with the gentlest of touches, dried my body so gently that her touch made me want to cry. She ran the brush through my hair and after untangling it she just ran her fingers through the locks.

I swiped the towel down between my legs and a few remnants of blood were still there, Maya simply folded the towel quickly and led me out of the bathroom, sitting me down on the bed and helping me put on some panties.

-Addison said that this could happen. – She whispered. – And that I should only worry if it was a large amount.

-I know. – I replied softly.

-I didn’t. – She said back, and I sighed. There were a lot of things Maya didn't know before my pregnancy and I hated that she had to have that kind of knowledge now.

When my clothes were on my body, I lay down under the covers and Maya lay on her side beside me and for a second placed her hand on my stomach – as she was used to doing every time we went to sleep – but soon she withdrew and I was glad she did, it was still too soon.

-Here. – I said, taking her hand and putting it close to my ribs, so she could still touch me and hug me sideways. – Thank you for taking such a good care of me, Bambina.

She just nodded and closed her eyes.

I had to have faith that we would get through this and that, as Amelia said, this wasn't the end of our story.