Prologue

I was alone once again.

The illusion that I've always believed in when I told myself the pain was too irrelevant to feel made me a fool. "You have alluring eyes." The compliments that I often hear about these ocean eyes of mine were utterly wrong. Within these eyes of mine, is where you can me whose body is tied, by chains of suffering and sins.

Even the things that we find beautiful may have something dark into it where we ignore.

Walking through the streets away from my lonely new year to come back into my home of hollowness, I couldn't feel or see anything bright. Not even the stars above the sky. All of them were just black as if I belonged to the abyss.

And now and then, the image of the person who I loved yet destroyed me made me isolated by my emotions. Even so, the nostalgic feelings of those moments where I could feel happiness bothers me. Only the feeling of her touch, and the memories that I spent together with her remained.

Contemplating as I try to recall the day where it all began, a memory of it never crossed my mind.

"When did all these happen again? Was it when I used to be a foolish child? Was it when we were still together? Was it before the day I lost her?"

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But I remember vividly now.

December 22nd of 2019

It all started at that time where I awoke peacefully with my head rested on my desk.

A familiar voice then spoke soothingly close. I turned my eyes to see a smile as bright as the night sky. "Miyuki-chan, let's go home," Hina said, squeezing my cheeks.

"F-Fwine." I stuttered.

The new year is almost coming, the day where we can see the breath-taking fireworks exploding in the sky. It is a day where we can see the most eye-catching view that can only happen once a year and at the start of the year.

"Miyuki-chan."

"Yes? Is there something wrong?" I replied in wonder.

"No. I just thought if it would be okay with you to watch the fireworks at hanayashiki with only the both of us." Hina asked me while she placed her pencil cases inside her bag. I stood still for a moment of silence until my face flushed with hot blood.

I became stupefied that I couldn't reply and just gazed at her eyes, feeling a bit hot.

"But wouldn't your parents get mad that you're spending time with me instead of them? I'm used to not spending time with my family, so I guess my parents are fine with it." I said. From the look of her face, I could sense the disappointment that she felt because of my reply.

"It's fine. I don't care what my parents think as long as I feel happy around you. It's fine if you don't want to." She sighed.

"Well, I want to spend it together with you," My eye averted.

Her smile of relief touched the corners of her face then gave me a peck on my cheek. Both of us went out of school, feeling the cold breeze of the snow. The long sleeve of our uniform, the scarf on our necks, and the gloves on our hands didn't give us enough warmth. Air releasing from my nostrils became visibly white for a short moment. The thought of seeing Hina wearing a Yukata is enough to make me feel entirely excited.

Every time the new year comes, it's like meeting my nightmares that haven't happened before. "You should be thankful that you got to live another year." It's the kind of advice that I hear from people. On the inside, I am nowhere thankful as fear clenched my heart.

Little does my family know that every day, I huddled my body inside the closet to whimper off my resentment. And when I do, my only wish is to become empty. I want God to drain all emotions so I can't feel anything. Not even pain, sadness, and anger. If the time comes where I will be empty like a glass without water, I will place a border in my heart so no one can make me feel anything.

My desire to change was a part of me, so I was looking forward to being with the one I love. Desperate yet joyful.

As the days of dullness passed, the day when the promise to watch the fireworks will take place started. My mother typically has no problems with my choices, even for the fact that I won't be spending time with my family. Having freedom doesn't mean happiness at some times, however. I'm an example of my philosophy.

Staring in the mirror, I turned my hips in both angles while I wore a yukata. The idea of wearing a yukata bothered me since I am the center of attention. A person that I want to impress is an exception, of course.

'If Hina is astonished, I wouldn't mind wearing a yukata for the rest of my life.' I giggled.

Leaving with a goodbye, I went down on the first floor from the third floor to find my bike beside the apartment. On the edge of the parking lot of bicycles, I found my white-colored bicycle that my father gifted. Sitting on top, I paddled my bike while it continued to run while I rode enthusiastically to hanayashiki, an amusement park that is known to be the oldest one in Japan.

The wind blew in an extraordinary amount of energy, causing my hair to fly, but this relaxed my mind. After a prolonged moment, the strength of the wind dwindled, and I inhaled deeply. The wind then blew again with comfort as I pedal my bike.

Silence took over the streets of Tokyo until I passed by some places where people sit on their spots to watch the fireworks. My feet were tired, but I didn't mind. I kept on peddling with all of my energy, and for the first time, I had a bright smile with beaming happiness. Fortunately, I wasn't covered in sweat to maintain the effort I took to impress Hina.

The night became colorful due to lights from the amusement park, which made the night shiny when my eyes met the view of hanayashiki.

I went down and held my bike's handle close to me. Standing still in the entrance while different people passed by, I refused to enter without Hina. Expectedly, I was the center of attention like the world of loneliness suddenly disappeared, and here I am in a world where strangers gaze at me.

"She's beautiful." A woman whispered to who seemed to be her boyfriend.

At first, it felt like it was my pride to be considered beautiful, now I consider it as a word that pressures me. Other than beautiful, no other words describe me. That's what people said.

"When is Hina gonna arrive?" I sighed.

My legs trembled in pain and pressure from standing too long, having nowhere to sit. "It's 11:50 pm." I checked my wrist to see what time it was. I had been standing for an hour, staring at particular things so I won't feel bored. 'Hina will come, I just need to wait further.' I told myself with a little bit of doubt. For 9 minutes, the clock was about to strike midnight. Suddenly, Hina called for me on my phone.

"She might say that her parents forbade her."

Hina's parents were against our relationship. They were homophobic that they tried to seperate Hina from me.

"Hina-chan, I had been standing here for an hour to wait for you. Where are you?" I answered the call.

"I'm sorry, Miyuki. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being with you. I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

My heartbeat elevated, and I gulped from fear because I knew that misfortune came again. Before my feet were the only ones trembling, now it is the whole of me. The effort I did to impress Hina was now covered in sweat. In exchange, misfortune was the one who paid me.

"Our relationship needs to end."

"Are you pranking me?" I chuckled.

"I am serious, Miyuki. I...never loved you. You were so lonely that I pitied you so that's why I tried to love you. But I just couldn't force myself. I'm sorry for fooling you. Please forgive me."

It stabbed me through the heart. 'It was only a pretend, yet why did it hurt so much?

Then I realized 'Ah.. right. It was painful because we will be separating our ways.'

After those hurtful words, she ended the call. Tears fell from both of my eyes, and I just stood still there with my phone beside my ears. There was a lot of energy and excitement in the air when the countdown to the new year began. I turned around, feeling the heavy blocks of dejection. The fireworks began, and there I was, watching the fireworks without you.

When you love a person, you can't seem to hate that person. That is what I felt, I couldn't hate Hina.

Ever since the new year, her eyes have been avoiding mine, and my eyes as well have been avoiding hers.

It seemed like my New Year was full of loneliness once again.

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PRESENT DAY___

Forgetting my most miserable memories was the biggest obstacle. Managing it all, dying or not dying is never a problem anymore.

Walking up the stairs, I reached the 3rd floor then arrived in front of my apartment. I grabbed the doorknob, but it seemed locked. 'Do they not want me to enter?' I knocked on the door, but I couldn't hear any response. The silence was the one who responded to me instead.

Suddenly, my phone called me then I answered.

"Who is this?"

"Miyuki, Onee-chan, it's me Isamu."

"Huh? What do you want, you brat?" I hissed.

"There's no time for an argument right now, stupid nee-chan, I have urgent news!"

Urgent? Hearing that word was rare because I wouldn't care much unless it's necessary. Isamu cried as he called me, then it changed my mind a little bit, which made me worried.

"Nee-chan, Hina nee-sama got into a terrible accident! And..." He hesitated to continue.

"A-And?" I stuttered anxiously.

"She's... dead..."

I thought I heard the most painful words already, and not only my new year felt lonely, but it was also miserable. My whole body froze, and my phone dropped only to break.

I walked downstairs then through the street, not feeling anyone's presence, even though I don't know which direction I've walked through, then realizing... I am drowning in the sea.

God made my wish come true. A day where I will feel empty and lose my purpose.

'If only I could remember the warmth of her embrace, if only I could have heard her voice, if only I chased her, if only I could go back through time to keep the promise that we had to watch the fireworks together then my death will be worth dying.'

A wave of surreal dizziness washed over me. I didn't have any air to breathe. Surprisingly, I felt no pain but comfort. The sea kept on pulling me, but I didn't hesitate as I stayed in my position to drown deep within. My consciousness was slowly fading away until I couldn't feel my body nor see anything.

I was dying until I was dead at last.

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Although my nose could feel the air and inhale it. But why? My body could feel something familiar. It seems like I was laying down. But where? I opened my eyes only to see my room. Certainly, I was drowning in the sea, but why am I in my bedroom? Did they find me? No. If they did, I would've been in the hospital. 'Wasn't I supposed to be dead? Was that all a dream?' As the bedroom door slammed open, my startled eyes met a boy's angry gaze.

"Miyuki, onee-chan, it's morning already!"

"I-Isamu?" I stuttered in shock.

"What?! Just get up, already!" He walked away furiously, since I was in deep shock, my hand scratched my head. Brrrr Brrrr- my phone made a noise to tell me that someone had messaged me. I grabbed it from the top of the desk and it left me dumbfounded when I saw the calendar.

"January 31, 2020?"

On the other hand, I noticed a strange tattoo printed on my palm.

"Why is a tattoo of the number 20 in my palm?"