Chapter 1

She wanted what was best for herself. Everyone wanted her to be what they wanted her to be, but what did she want? She still wasn't sure even as a young adult. She wanted a life where no one judged, not even her. The parties she went to, the things she rather does. She knew even when they called out to her she knew she was in the wrong, but she didn't care and it said a lot. Carie wanted friends that would support her and be honest she wanted someone that would care for her, but she was blinded at times and most of the time it stopped her. Several times a week she'd hear the voice and other times it would get louder. She knew the voice of Jesus calling for her she knew the difference in between his voice and Satan, she wasn't stupid.

When Carrie couldn't see she knew he was still there and every time he'd say the same thing over and over. " I'm here, but where's my Child." She cried off and on she wasn't in physical pain but it still hurt her. Trying to hide it wasn't the hard part trying to stop what she was doing was." It's easy to give up what you don't want, Just give it up. I'll give you rest." She heard the saying before that what isn't said is the real story, only she didn't want to think what she could have done when she'd rather do other things instead.

She knew she had more to live, but even her parents seemed to not understand what she wanted. Sometimes she questioned who she was even when she was invited back to church by someone who thought of her as a friend. Carrie Filburk didn't get it, but what was her excuse, She didn't have one. That Sunday night at 6 sharp she did the one thing she was dreading. Carie heard every word including the songs that were sung. Sometime during it, she heard something else as she questioned herself. She didn't absorb everything but she felt that feeling when she walked into the church so long ago, she felt that same feeling when she was a kid sitting next to her father and mother.

Carrie after service wanted so badly to leave right after service. The only thing that stopped her was the so-called friend. " I know everything lately has been dramatic, I can tell. This youth has had issues as well." Carrie didn't see the issues at work but she didn't exactly go to church there she could tell the way they talked bothered some adults there. Two teenage boys went back and forth with comments and that's when she could tell what her friend was talking about. She knew it was God when she walked out of the church a few minutes later as she knew his voice all too well. " But what if that was me? " Carrie was speechless and didn't know what to say. She understood why they were all created and that was to only serve God and help those get to Christ. What she didn't understand was why the church acted like the world. She heard the pastor say it and it only made her think that he knew what the church was becoming. Carrie didn't like to think like that and she understood even though she was only human she wasn't the only one who needed help. She eventually went again and it started becoming a regular thing thankfully she put herself back into the church.

Carrie started out sitting in the back and tried to learn the songs that were songs. she listened more intently even though the distractions bothered her greatly. She knew it wasn't her place but she found herself judging not just the church but everyone. She noticed it more when the youth went back and forth being fake to each other. She saw it differently through God's eyes. They were turning on each other and it wasn't just that she still heard God's exact words from before; on top of that, she didn't know how to deal with it. She just didn't know how to pray about it. Everything seemed to distract the youth even the people that thought they were right. The youth's leader invited her to eat and she wasn't as excited till she noticed one guy out of the ground, Maliki.

Carrie had made it her mission to get to know every young person even though everything about them still bugged her. She was just surprised when they made her feel welcome as they all ate McDonald's. When she finally learned their names it had taken her a few services as she still didn't know much about the elderly there. Matthew thought he was funny when he wasn't. Lauren tried to be polite even though she could tell she was annoyed half the time even though she joked back at them, she didn't get them nor found a lot funny. The rest of them would just butt in when Matthew would make any type of comment, other than the comments they had she enjoyed their fellowship. That next few weeks and more she found herself praying for her youth as more than a few times the temptation of drinking came to haunt her. She couldn't help it as it kept calling out to her daily. " You love it, just one taste." What did she know?

The next morning she found herself with a nagging migraine and she knew why as her alarm blared at 4:30. She heard the voice again the night before and she couldn't help herself. " I still love you." After she heard that she closed her eyes as she heard her pastor's voice from that past Sunday. " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. " It was found in 1 John 1:19. SHe had read ahead as the verse before that stated that if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. Carrie didn't want to cry but she still found herself crying even though she didn't know it was on instinct. It pained her as it was the only thing she thought of at work. Carrie realized the one thing that wasn't righteous and that was the world and what she was doing even though she was in the wrong. " It's easy to give up what you don't want."

She had the image in her mind and even though she knew, it was when God pointed it out that made her question why she couldn't quit. Carrie already knew why and it was because she didn't want to quit. " It will be added unto you!" It didn't matter what God had said she knew she'd still do it. Saturday morning she awoke to a text from a friend that she had known for years. They only got along when it came to drugs and parties. That night she had wanted to go out instead of staying inside; what terrified her was the nagging feeling that had stayed on her all day. That morning she had worked and got ready for that party; she looked into the mirror as it made her feel very unsettled. She didn't look right and didn't understand as she stared right at her eyes that held the eye shadow and mascara as well as the eyeliner. She felt demonic and not human. The burden seemed to weigh on her even more as she stared at the dress that didn't even go past her mid-thigh she only thought of what she wore to church, it wasn't anything like this. and it scared her to think of herself as anything but a human that needed a pastor and God in her life.

Carrie found herself yelling out as she got sick of the feeling she demanded it to leave her not even realizing God was there. " Why do you do it when you know it's wrong?" She felt the burden weigh on her as she felt the overwhelming power radiating from what God had said she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe before she texted the friend that she couldn't go. She made up her mind if she was going to change she needed to put a wall up around herself as well as a change of direction in her heart. She found herself getting garbage bags and filling them up with every piece of clothing that wasn't modest as well as the make-up after doing so she threw it all away. Praying to God was easy for her and as she did she didn't just feel God in her home.

Even though she was worn out and tired she still threw her hands up in the air as she saw the youth did when they were all at church. Worship fell on her as tears streamed down her face. " God help me. Please help me." She never realized that night she wasn't just changed but that next day at Church she spoke to her pastor as he wasn't just proud. " It's awesome, keep praying and seeking God. He's an on-time God and he's always with you." Walking away from her she heard him clear as day as he told her he loved her. Later that afternoon she got a phone call from the same friend from the night before only not from her number. She didn't just wonder why she had the feeling but she understood completely that God had saved her from something that could've hurt her completely. What Carrie wanted was unwanted, but she was glad she was accepted as someone favorable to God. " You called me? What about your parents?"

Her friend dealt with drugs and this wasn't the first time being in prison for it either. " My parents had enough Carrie. Can you please bail me out?" Carrie's mind raced as she couldn't think straight as she knew she had a look on her face. Miora told her the story as she listened as she only remembered a few other people Miora mentioned. " Someone hates me I swear. They called the police and someone blamed me. I didn't even throw the party. " Carrie hated to ask as she tried to keep her cool as the youth talked around her. She wasn't even sure they would care. " How much?" Carrie didn't want to be rude as it had only taken Miora a month to get put back in prison. " 3,000." Carrie wasn't to hiss through the phone and not like a snake but in disgust. Miora at 23 had been put in jail 15 times. It wasn't just a record but her past was bad and it said a lot. Miora didn't have an excuse then again Carrie didn't know her as well as she thought. Carrie had heard the sad tone, as well as the crying, would only start if she didn't hang up. " let me contact a friend and see what I can do. I don't have that type of money.

Carrie hated lying but what good would it do when Miora would only get caught again? It was almost time for the church as she only questioned why her to God. What could she do? Carrie didn't want to help Miora when she had never helped her. Instead of focusing on her friend, she focused on church. They sang and worshiped all the while she watched the youth at the altar. She wondered what it would be like if she wasn't shy and she could get out of her comfort zone, it was hard for her. Carrie tried to interact when they would all hang out or when they were all at the church. When Matthew invited her to eat out with the youth she honestly didn't know if she should but she forced herself to as the only thing that she couldn't get past was the obnoxious music at Taco Mama; to her, it wasn't music at all. Looking around she didn't feel welcome or satisfied with the fellowship. She felt like she didn't just waste her time but after she had forced herself to bowl as well. She didn't know which was sad to her the fact that she forced herself to go or

the part where she didn't even talk to anyone and if she did they had to repeat themselves. Carrie felt useless and numb just sitting there. She questioned why she had even come and tried to fellowship. She couldn't help it she complained about the music and on top of that, it was a chilly night.

She noticed more that she was a nobody than a somebody. She didn't try to observe she didn't even want to judge anyone. Carrie was glad to Jesus she was somebody even when others didn't think so. She found herself missing church several times even when she wanted to go she stayed home or worked. She wanted at least an excuse for her pastor if he asked. She stopped herself as she knew something in her soul was missing something and it wasn't just the God in her, but the world that also called out to her. If anything she found herself worrying over a church that didn't see or care what they were doing. It aggravated her to see what God meant or showed her. The way he would laugh wasn't scary but it pained her because she knew it pained him as well.

That Wednesday night she felt as if something was pulling at her as she found herself at another church in Sheffield that she hadn't known was there before. She never wanted to miss her church but she still found herself shutting off her SUV. " Go see for yourself what I have for you that They don't have." Carrie didn't want to question what she heard but she knew it wasn't satan who just spoke to her but she felt that power radiate from out of her. What did she know though? Nothing.

Everything she had ever faced went through her mind as she sat in her SUV staring at the white sign and then at the Green shuttered white Church that seemed to be a two-story building. Her focus went back to the pole that held the sign as it read ' The First Pentecostals of Sheffield.' Reading the days and times she realized she was an hour early, but she didn't mind it gave her time to pray, even though she had plenty of time to get to her own church.

She still thought of her own church as it got closer 7 she dreaded it only because she felt as if she was cheating on her church. She walked in at 7 as another lady had unlocked the door a few minutes before only to have immediately been greeted and hugged. She already felt welcome and it wasn't what she was expecting as she spoke to them after they spoke to her. " I'm glad you're here. " She noticed they really were speaking to her and it wasn't what she was used to in her own church. If anything she always felt left out but what did she know?

By the time church had started, she had also noticed she felt free and not tense or uptight as if something or everything held her down. One person sang and she felt the pure worship from it as her church didn't have that. If anything they tried too hard or wanted to sound cute which to her wasn't what worship sounded like at all. She couldn't help it as she worshipped as well as the few that were there. Three kids stared at her as she only remembered every distraction at her church including sitting in the front. She always felt obligated to turn her head at her church at the rude people who had their comments or the kids who didn't act right. Sometimes it wasn't the distractions but the atmosphere that seemed to change when her own pastor would preach. She didn't like when people in Christ would have something to say when they called themselves Christian.

She didn't like it that she found herself staring as she tried to look at anything else. The pews weren't that comfortable but she was glad they weren't. Standing for the word she noticed even being short didn't help as the pews were smaller when she stood with her bible in hand. The same guy who sang also preached that night that everything that God was doing for her was through her. She felt more at peace with herself as she read from where Bro. Nathan preached. She again questioned God as she also questioned her church as she also thought of it as pathetic. She knew her church could do better but they didn't try hard enough. She didn't know if she was going to see her church the same ever again. Everything he taught seemed to sink into her as she felt like she was daydreaming instead of listening before he said something so simple but powerful. She didn't know if it was for her or for her church

" Just because it's understandable doesn't make it righteous." Carrie knew that was going to be on repeat even in her mind as it changed her point of view on her church. That's when she knew she wanted to be saved and go down in God's name. She needed to live a Holy life pleasing to God to please him and only him but she knew it wasn't easy, but she knew this changed her mindset completely. After church, they again spoke to her as the man who sang introduced her to his family wasn't exactly small. The three little kids were adorable as a few knew how to speak a few languages which surprised her greatly. They spoke to her as if she were family. The three little ones talked to her trying to show off with tricks that she thought were cute yet familiar. She brushed that off as a few still looked at her as if they knew her which she found strange. " You should come again. " She only responded as she wasn't sure of the circumstances. This wasn't her church she had her own. She knew she had to pray harder for her so-called church. Would they seek after God if this were her?

She didn't feel lost but confused as she also had the urge to teach. She knew of the wrongdoers in her church as others wouldn't put a stop to it, it said a lot the pastor seemed always to preach and they would have a sudden breakthrough. The only sad part was they would never change for God and that wasn't what it was about. They just weren't going to see God how he saw them. The parents of the kids as well wouldn't stop their kids and it said a lot only Matthew's mom would say something to the pastor that would affect everyone. Carrie knew she wasn't perfect but she still tried her very best in the Word of God said so much about being perfect but only one verse really got her attention. 2 Timothy 3:17

They were far from perfect but she knew they again could try harder, the only sad part was their excuses. One Sunday the pastor didn't get to preach but she still felt God in everything she was moving in her. She wanted the Holy Ghost but it didn't seem like it was time for that. She prayed for others as one suddenly grabbed the microphone and spoke through it as he felt led to. Blain grabbed it after as he exclaimed he wanted to be a preacher. She didn't expect the voice of God to laugh but he did. "But he gives himself excuses. Why should He be that when he can't put me first?" She didn't like that as she lifted her hands yet again for that millionth time trying to understand why God would ask her and not him. It wasn't the part where he wanted to talk to them it was the part where he trusted more in her because she listened.

That next month she didn't have the energy or the nerve to say the real reason why she wasn't there then again no one asked her why and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad one. One Sunday morning they didn't invite her but she still went to eat with them. Some talked to her as they ate their food before Matthew spoke above everyone else and everyone got quiet. She only seemed to look at Maliki at the moment as he seemed surprised. " Do you ever feel like you are backsliding?" It was random as he tried to explain himself only it got everybody's attention. "Like when you've been raised in church your whole life but it's hard to get out. " He paused while even Carrie tried to process the information. " You can't get out what's been living in you for too long." Carrie understood as her attention went back to the journie and then to Maliki. " It's not hard to understand and yeah you're right, but from their point of view it's not understandable." Carrie felt that in the atmosphere as she knew that feeling all too well.

Carrie felt the burden all too well hearing the voice of God and watching the Youth running back and forth throwing the basketball and yelling at each other. Most of them made fun as Matthew and Blain would yell at each other as if they were both mad but they weren't even close. Matthew made fun of the way Journie threw the ball as Seth grabbed it before Blain could Maya ran after him trying to guard. It went on for 3 hours as she took some videos watching as she also thought about Maliki. Would he like her if she got out of her pew more? Some wanted to take showers before Church as they only felt the need to go back to the church instead of wasting an hour trying to go back to her house. Carrie knew that would only result in her not going to church.

Carrie sat on her phone wondering about her and Maliki as her focus went to Miara she didn't regret anything, even though she did feel pretty useless like Miara could do better only she knew she wouldn't. The world itself made her think she was only there to please them and not God and she didn't like that. Carrie was supposed to have an audition for a movie role again. She was excited but she could still hear her mother's exact words. " That's pathetic. You couldn't amount to that." She never liked that and she still sometimes cried because that's all she ever was as everyone would say it with no regret. She grabbed her bible from her car trying to shift her focus as she heard God again. " They don't see." She read 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12 and to her, it talked about the church acted and it was exactly like the world. " They'll only believe what they can't see." How was she supposed to say anything without people judging her or worse hating her? They couldn't even listen when Jonathan tried to talk to some of the girls and what they wore to church. How were they all supposed to listen to her? The sad part was they always said he was controlling and she didn't see that if anything he only said those things because he wanted to save and wear something that wasn't displeasing to God.

How could anyone call themselves a Christian and be part of the world? " They have their choice. THey'll still choose their own because they only want Position and Power in the world. " Now she knew but at the same time, she already knew. They didn't care about representing themselves as a Christian or representing their church they only cared about pleasing themselves with what they wore and how they spoke. She didn't get it as if she saw the disappointment through herself she knew God was disappointed as well.