Through the eyes of a little girl.

Today was suppose to be a normal day. Get up, get dressed and go to school but unknown to 9 year old me today was anything but normal. You see a few days ago my mother's best friend had passed away and today is her service.

"Mom, why can't we go to Auntie's service?" I ask for the 7th time.

Both my own and my sisters questions fall on deaf ears and go unanswered.

My mother was beautiful for her age. 5'6 with a slim figure to match. Her light brown hair was cut short due to her having brain surgery several months ago. Her once happy blue eyes, now red, and swollen from crying throughout the night. Now empty of any emotion. She's a shell of the woman she used to be and it was obvious, she's a broken woman.

"That's enough!" came a raspy voice that belonged to our step father, Jay. He was standing next to the sink full of dirty dishes. He made his way through the piles of trash and dirty laundry scattered across the floor, to dining room where we all were standing. Narrowly missing the cockroaches scurrying across his path. His tall, and skinny appearance didn't go well with his long black hair. it made him look unusually pale and his broken nose and rotten teeth stand out. I guess in a way it fit his personality well. Jay was anything but a warm loving person.

"I've decided none of you will go to that woman's funeral," he announced proudly. As if he was expecting everyone to pat him on the back. "Now, get your a$$s off to school. I have to talk to your mother before she goes back to sleep," he barked as he urged us out.

"I can't believe this! What does mom see in him?... This..... This isn't fair." Mandy, my older sister angrily whispered as the door slammed shut behind us and we make our way down the driveway, to the school bus stop.

"Why do you think they're not letting us go?" I asked as I peered up to my sister.

"I don't know, Sammie...I think he doesn't like it when mom's attention is on us or anyone else because it takes it away from him," she said as she grabbed my hand. We both stood there in silence until we got on the bus.

Once we arrive at the school, I hug my sister before she goes to another bus to be taken to the high school and I hurry through the entrance and down the hall way keeping my head down, hoping not to be seen.

"Oh my god! look at her." someone Snickers as I walk by.

"Dude she's so dirty and disgusting."

"Does she ever shower? she smells" one girl says to someone I don't see. I do my best to ignore the comments as I head to my locker.

"Don't cry...Don't cry." I tell myself. I'm sure I can ask dad if I can take a bath at his house when he comes to pick my little brother and I up for visitation this weekend, I assure myself as I can feel my cheeks warm and my eyes water. but he'll be angry if he finds out we don't have working water. I don't want him to be mad at mom. I sigh as I take off my dirty coat and put my book bag away. I reach up to remove my hat but stop. i can't take this off. they'll surely make fun of me. With that I shut my locker and head to my classroom.

I enter the classroom and find my seat in the back of the room, next to the window. Within a few minutes the bell rings and the class room fills with students as our teacher, Mrs. Smith makes her way to the front of the classroom.

"Ew, I'm not sitting next to her."

"Me either. Sarah, you sit next to her."

"No way. I'll gag if I do."

I look up and to see the girl named Sarah do a gagging motion and the other girls laughing and I return my gaze to my desk.

"That's enough students! find your seats," Mrs. Smith announces. "Samantha. please remove your hat. This school has a strict policy against wearing hats."

my gaze snaps up and I internally start to panic. please no. no... no...no. my mind races.

"I can't" I state

"and why not" Mrs. Smith asks as she puts her hand on her hip..

"because" I whisper. I can't believe this is happening.

"Stand up and remove your hat, or I'll be forced to call your mother."

There's no fighting that logic, Mom will not be happy if the school calls her. I slowly get up in defeat, and scan the room. All eyes are on me, as people are smirking and talking to the people sitting next to them.

"Remove your hat now. I will not ask again"

With that I reach up and grab my hat with both hands. I take a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare myself for the torment I'll surely receive. I focus on a dirt spot on the floor as I remove my hat. The class erupts into loud gasps and laughing.

"She looks like a boy!----"

"even her mom couldn't stand to see her dirty so she shaved her head.---"

"She probably had bugs or something---"

I couldn't stop the tears that started forming. I take my seat and wipe my eye before looking up to see a shocked stare coming from Mrs. Smith.

My mother shaved my head over the weekend because we had gotten lice. She didn't have time to go through all of our hair before leaving with my step father, So she shaved both mine and Mandy's hair. I had shoulder length hair that became filled with knots over time. My dad would take the time to really work the knots out of my hair when I with him for visitation, but it always became knotted up again because we didn't have working water and I didn't have a brush. It always infuriated my dad when my hair got like that because he said mom refused to care for us like she's suppose to. I don't understand what he means when he talks like that but I'm sure it's normal.

The next few hours go by in blur. I have a hard time understanding the learning materials so I spend most of time staring out the window and getting lost in my own world, but something doesn't feel right. I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach but I don't understand why. My confused thoughts are short lived as the teacher yells out my name, forcing me to snap back to reality. I look around and my classmates have out their books.

"Samantha, where is your library book?" Mrs. Smith asks.

"It's at home, Mrs. Smith." I lower my gase away from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I had forgotten it." Truth was my step father threw it out as punishment because children services were called and he believed it was my fault.

Flustered she demanded, "You call home this instant, and have your mother bring it in."

I instantly start to panic. If mom fell back asleep, she'd get really angry if I woke her this early. "Do I have to? can't I just read something else for now?"

The corners of Mrs Smith lip twitched and her face turning red with anger. "No, call home NOW!" she spat. I get up from my seat and make my way to her desk as she picked up the phone and dialed my mother's number before handing it over to me.

I take the phone from her and hold it to my ear as I prepare myself for waking a sleeping bear.

"hello" a small voice answered. I was prepared to deal with my angry mother, but not my 4 year old brother to answer. Why is he answering mom's phone anyway?

"Morgan? Is mom there?... I left my book----"

"She's sleeping," my younger brother states matter of factly, cutting me off.

I lowered the phone away from my face as I looked at Mrs. Smith, who was sitting with her arms crossed next to me as she patiently waited.

"My brother said she's asleep," I state, praying she lets it go.

"Then have him wake her up," she motions with her hand while I groan and place the phone back and my ear. Of course she won't let it go.

"Morgan? can you wake mom up?" I ask.

"Mom won't wake up" he says. "I've tried kicking her, shaking her and hitting her." he says before hanging up. The uneasy feeling starts to form a knot in my stomach.

I relay what I was told to Mrs Smith as I hand her back the phone.

"Very well. Go sit down," she quietly says as she gets up from her desk and makes her way out of the classroom.

Why couldn't Morgan wake up mom?..... Well, she is a heavy sleeper.... Mom does like her sleep. I think to myself and attempt ease this horrible feeling. I don't understand it. I have never felt this bad before.

Mrs. Smith returns looking either uneasy or annoyed. I have a hard time reading her body language. I'm probably going to have to sit in my room when I get home because I had to call home. Mom hates it when the school calls her. She's been stressed and so sad lately. I don't want mom to be mad because of me. I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't see our school principal, Mr. Myer enter to talk with Mrs. Smith. it startled me when I hear my name.

"Samantha." I hear as I look up to see Mr. Myer motioning for me to follow him out of the classroom.

Am I in trouble for the library book I question to myself. I quietly follow behind Mr. Myer down the hall way towards the office. the echo from our footsteps are unusually loud. Once we enter his office, I immediately notice a figure standing in the corner. A police officer. "Am I in trouble for the library book" I blurt out. I couldn't stop the tears. "I'm really sorry...." ....sniffle..... "I don't want to...to...go to... jai...jai... jail." I wail.

"What?" the officer and Myers say in union.

"No, of course not," the voice of the officer says. "Do you remember me, Samantha?" the officer asks as he kneels down to my eye level. I look from the principal to the officer and study his face. His graying hair hides some of the obvious wrinkles on his face, making his hazel eyes stand out.

"No..?" I say as I look away because I'm getting uncomfortable and fidget in my seat.

"My name is Roy Straight."

My gaze quickly snaps back to him....

This can't be...

Anger instantly forms from the pit of my stomach...He's the reason we had gotten taken away from mom the first time. I was separated from my siblings and placed in a home with people I didn't know. Those people were mean. The older kids were horrible and always viciously fighting with eachother and stealing my stuff. It didn't last long before I had to go stay with a different family because one of the older girls attacked her "enemy" while she was asleep by mutualting her face with a cheese grater .... I still have nightmares from that. I'll never forget those screams. The second family was an older couple. They were genuinely nice and caring people. They let me see my mom, dad and grandma. They even tried to let me see my siblings. It was years before I got to go home though.

"Oh it's you" I spat. "My mom says to never talk to you because you'll make sure they'll take us again." my voice filled with venom and hurt.

He looks away for a few seconds. "I see.... Samantha, I need you to come with me..... We need to go talk to your mother." and with that he motioned toward the door and I followed him to his patrol car.

During the ride I stare out the window in silence. Mom was not going to be happy and I don't even want to begin to think how Jay will behave once he hears about this. I still think it's because of my library book. All this for a stupid book..

My Thoughts were short lived as I felt the car come to a screeching halt. I look up and see a bunch of unusual looking cars in my mother's driveway all with flashing lights.

"Stay here" Roy instructed. "I'm going to go find out what's going on" he said as he exited the vehicle.

Panic filled my chest as I unbuckled and rushed to get out of the car.

"Where's my mom" I yell as I start running towards my house, only to be stopped by someone in uniform. My vision starts to blur as hot tears threaten to escape and fear evident in my voice. Oh no. my mom. I can't see my mom.

The lady in the uniform grabs my hand and leads me across the street towards my grandmother house. Her face not showing a trace of emotion.

Ok, so maybe they're here to help grandma but parked in our driveway. I think as she leads me up to the stairs and into the porch.

"I need you to stay here sweetie. Don't go over there, okay" the lady says. As she lets go of my hand and runs back up to my mother's house. I stand there for a few minutes and try to understand what's going on before turning and walking into my grandmother's house.

A strong smell of cigarette smoke invades my nose as I enter the house and walk to the kitchen to find my grandma, sister Tina, and my aunt sitting around the table. Once my grandmother notices my presence she gestures me to come to her.

"What's going on grandma..... where's mom," I ask unusually calm.

"Sit down baby." my grandmother says as she stands so I can have her seat.... " I'm going to walk up there," she mutters, failing to hide the worry in her voice. "Under no circumstances are you girls to come up there. I will come back after I find something out." and with that she closed the door.

I nervously look at my sister Tina, who's silently crying as she put out her cigarette in an overfull ashtray. she's obviously chain smoking. I avert my gaze to my hands.

This is my fault. Mom's going to jail because of my book... it's just a book. I only picked it out because it talked about Nascar and I thought mom would like it because mom loves Nascar. and now she's in trouble because of me.... stupid book... stupid teacher for making a huge deal.....stupid Roy. I don't understand, it's just a book.

"Grandma!" Tina shouts as grandma walks in. "what's going on?.... what happened?..... where's mom?" she bombards with questions. as grandma makes her way to us. Her movements are slow. Why is grandma moving like that.... Something is very wrong.

"I'm sorry....." she began... "but your mom didn't make it.... she's gone" was all she could get out before she broke down into tears and the house filled with screams from my sister and my aunt.

She's gone... what... what's that mean.?. I kept thinking as I lowered my head onto the table. I couldn't stop the tears and soft sobs that escaped my throat. My mom is gone? I don't have a mom anymore? what am I going to do without a mom?

it felt like all the oxygen was pulled out of my lungs. I couldn't make out what everyone was saying.

This doesn't make sense.... I don't have a mom.... who's going to be my mommy now.... how did she die.... she's gone..... she's gone.....