Chapter 36

Wearing her pink cotton pajamas in the middle of the day was as embarrassing as it was liberating. Hikari could not remember the last time she'd been home this late aside from weekends and sick days, and even then she didn't tend to linger in her PJs through the morning. She'd awoken early as usual, but between seeing Nozomi off to school and waiting for Asuka to get out of bed had ended up parked in front of the TV in the living room, another thing she didn't usually do.

Asuka was a guest, and so Hikari didn't mind accommodating her. But it was pushing noon now, and there was still no sign of the noisy redhead coming down the stairs to have breakfast. Or lunch.

Hikari sighed, laid down the remote control on the couch next to her, and got up. She slipped her feet into her pink slippers and headed up the stairs. Since Kodama had left there was a spare bedroom next to Hikari's. And since she knew Asuka valued her privacy as much as anyone she'd ever met, she had taken a room to herself.

In was in her upbringing, Hikari thought tolerantly. Western cultures did not believe in sharing one's personal space with others. Asuka, raised in Germany for most her childhood, fit that particular mold perfectly.

Hikari knocked on the door. There was no response, nor had she expected any to be forthcoming; Asuka, though she didn't say it, wanted to be left alone. It was that, more than the possibility that she might have overslept, that prompted Hikari to check on her. As the door had no lock, knocking to let her know she was coming in was just courtesy.

"Time to get up," she said. "It's nearly noon, you know."

Hikari slid the door open, stepped inside, then softly closed the door behind her. The room was mostly as Kodama had left it—she couldn't take many of her things with her to Kyoto. City apartments were minuscule things. The thing that had always struck Hikari about her sister's room was the cleanliness, even by her own standards. Everything had its place, everything seemed to match every other thing. Even now, the only things that stood out were a backpack thrown hastily at the foot of a dresser, and a white and blue school uniform draped over the back of a chair.

In the few days Asuka had been here she hadn't bothered putting anything away, simply discarding things as she used them and generally making a mess. Hikari cleaned up after her; it was okay, she didn't mind.

"Kodama would be outraged," Hikari thought in slight amusement. She took a knee and picked up the backpack, setting it carefully in the chair. The content was mostly clothing and underwear, and a few toiletries. Asuka's Section 2 bodyguards had brought over another suitcase but she hadn't gone near it yet. Finally, Hikari turned her attention to the bed.

Asuka lay curled under the sheets, her slender form covered but unmistakable, her pale feet and a sheet of flaring locks from her golden-red mane visible at either end. Even as she stood over her, Hikari could hear the animated rhythm of the music she was listening to blaring through her headphones, the volume turned up as high as it would go. Pen-Pen was lying on his stomach next to the bed, his small beady eyes closed.

Hikari sighed again and sat beside her friend on the bed, careful not to step on the dozing penguin. She reached underneath the sheets, finding the little digital music player and switching it off with a thumb. Asuka did not stir. Hikari turned her head away, keeping her eyes on the room rather than on the covered girl.

"I know you can hear me, Asuka," she said. "It's time to get up."

"What for?" Asuka's voice was raspy but still low, not the usual shrill tone. Odd.

"Well, it's a sunny day," Hikari said, "and since neither one of us is going to school I thought maybe you'd want to do something fun. No point in missing school again if we are just going to be inside all day."

"I didn't ask you to stay."

"How could I go anywhere?" Hikari said. "After what I said."

"If you want to be mad at me then go ahead, I don't care. I don't care about anything."

She sounded like she meant it, too, which worried Hikari. Asuka was not suicidal by any stretch, but she did have a self-destructive streak. She'd run away once before, and while the circumstances of how she was eventually taken back into custody were not known to Hikari, she was smart enough to relate the onset of her depression with her lengthy hospitalization.

She had heard some rumors, the sort that seemed to come out of thin air: the Second Child had been found sitting in a bathtub full of filthy water, naked and starved as though she had simply stopped caring about herself. Such a scene was something worse than Hikari could imagine. It couldn't be true; no matter how bad things got, the Asuka she knew would never sink that low.

But then again, she didn't really know anything about Asuka, did she?

"You know," Hikari started, making an effort to get her talking, "I never asked you this, but what was it like? When you came to Japan, I mean. Is it what you thought it'd be like? Is it very different from Germany? Do you miss your friends?"

"I was fourteen when I graduated college. I didn't have any friends. I was the youngest girl in every class I ever took. The boys would look at me, but not one of them ever approached me. I was taboo for them. Fine, men are pigs anyway. My teachers despised me because I was smarter than they were. I had all the answers. I made them look bad. After I moved into the dorm I never went back home, but that was fine too. When I was little my stepmother only ever looked after me to be close to my father. It was all a charade. My whole life's been like that."

As she rambled, the tone of her voice changed erratically, as though it was difficult for her to control it. Hikari noticed her stirring under the sheets, moving her hands up to where her face would be. The sheets were thin, and she thought Asuka might be further covering her face out of shame.

"Come on, Asuka. Everything can't be so bad," Hikari said, fighting the urge to actually reach out and comfort her—Asuka didn't like to be touched in any manner that would indicate weakness. "You have to believe that things will work out. You'll go back to pilot your Eva. Maybe have a talk with Shinji."

"It's ... okay," Asuka muttered. "I'm used to it. I deserve it."

"No, Asuka…"

"That day … that day I got in the Eva, the Angel showed me what I was like. It made me realize … that I deserved it." Asuka curled up tighter, drawing the sheets along as she tucked in her knees and her arms.

"Nobody deserves to be hurt like that." Oddly enough, Hikari thought of Toji, and all the pain and hurt that had brought along. But despite that, the times she went to see him during weekends were the happiest she could remember. So pain did not exist in a vacuum, and it could eventually lead to happiness.

Hikari had managed that strictly on her own, through no fault of Asuka's or her sisters. And she was sure that with her help the haughty redhead could do the same.

"It's stupid, really," Asuka continued. "It showed me … I should've known when I kissed him. I knew what I wanted, and that he wouldn't give it to me. But I didn't know why. I pretended like I didn't care—it was such a stupid thing to cry over." Her voice quivered, and Hikari heard her sniffle. "I can't pretend anymore, Hikari. I don't want to."

"So don't," Hikari said, looking down at her intently for the first time. "The first step in being honest with others is being honest with yourself. Sounds to me like you've already managed that."

"No." Asuka shook her head on her pillow. "It's too late."

Hikari could not ignore the signs any longer. She had to do something. Carefully, she reached down and picked up the edge of Asuka's sheet, and pulled it back just enough to see her face. But what she saw made her gasp. The crystal blue orbs were surrounded by bloodshot white, her high cheeks were streaked, and the pillow was stained where it had absorbed her tears. Her face was set, that determined expression of someone trying to retain their composure. "How long have you been …"

"That's none of you business," Asuka snatched the sheet from her hand and tossed it over her head again. "Leave me alone."

But Hikari didn't move. She sat there quietly, and no longer cared that she was still wearing her pink pajamas in the middle of the day.