Chapter 23

Asuka tossed her wet towel on the bench that ran down the length of the locker room, next to her discarded plugsuit, and reached into her locker for her panties—and caught a glance of the young, slender girl with blue eyes and golden-red hair opposite her. She clenched her teeth, feeling a sudden, vicious impulse to slam her fist into the mirror.

It was just so unfair that she couldn't wake up one morning and be an adult already, puberty be damned.

Being a teenager was like being stuck in limbo. She was not a child anymore but was not a woman either; barely even had any pubic hair but had to endure the physiological consequences of womanhood every month in the form of her period; wasn't ready for sex but wanted nothing more than to somehow fill the emptiness she felt inside of her; wasn't even old enough to buy liquor, not even close, but had to watch the stupid commercials on TV telling her how it could solve all her problems.

Since she was a little girl, Asuka had been aware that most people saw her very negatively and thought she only cared about herself. But the reality was different—if she could now choose to be anyone, the last person Asuka would choose to be was herself.

Before she would have at least had her Eva.

Though she had no reason to be surprised anymore, her latest synchronization test had been awful. After weeks of trying she was still only barely above the starting indicator. Without really knowing why she always expected some improvements that never materialized, and left her feeling bitter. The constant reassurance from those around her didn't help because she knew they were lying. There was nothing more any of them could do; she was just too badly broken.

Her life had become a vicious cycle of self-loathing, deep anger, and failure. That Shinji and the doll had been around today to see her fail only added to her ire.

Asuka bent over, holding open her panties in front of her and quickly stepping into them, then pulling them up her legs as she straightened.

She dropped her head to avoid looking at her reflection again and snatched her bra angrily off the top shelf, and wriggled her arms into it. Next, she put on her blouse and worked her way up the buttons before slipping into her uniform jumper, which she clasped securely around her narrow waist after tucking in and pressing her blouse.

All this she did in a rush, moving purposefully.

She had rushed through her shower routine too, only taking long enough to rinse the worst of the LCL out of her hair and scrub herself down to prevent the liquid from forming a sticky residue on her skin, then hurriedly drying off. There had barely been time to register the pleasant feeling of the hot water cascading down her back.

She would have liked to linger, enjoying the feeling of warmth as a steamy mist rose around her, but not today.

Today she needed to be done before …

Rei Ayanami entered the locker room like a white ghost, her footsteps making only the faintest sound, and walked over to her own locker, a few places down from Asuka. The redhead tried to ignore her as she began undressing, unbuttoning her blouse and folding it neatly before moving on to removing her skirt.

The proximity of the doll was enough to make the hairs on the back of Asuka's neck stand on end. She hated the girl—that was no mere hyperbole. She had hated Rei Ayanami since the day they met, and hated her even more ever since the First Child had saved Asuka from the Angel that broke into her mind. And then there was her relationship with Shinji.

Asuka had long since stopped wondering how she could feel such vile emotions towards her. Like her, Ayanami was barely a teenager, not old enough to even be properly called a woman. She hardly ever spoke—certainly never spoke to Asuka—and they only saw each other at school so it was not like they were often in close contact. And they had both been through a lot. In another universe they might have been able to comfort one another.

But as uncalled for as it might be, Asuka just hated her.

Plain and simple hatred.

As Rei continued to undress, Asuka found that she could no longer stand being in the same room with the doll. She promptly emptied her locker and slammed the door shut loudly. Holding her book bag, neural connectors, shoes, and socks in her arms, she stormed barefoot to the entrance, brushing past Rei's now topless form.

"Is there a problem, Pilot Soryu?" Rei asked as Asuka walked by, her voice soft and flat.

Asuka stopped on her tracks but did not turn. She was clutching her belongings so furiously tight that her arms hurt, her slender hands turning into claws. "No."

The word could have easily been a thrown dagger.

"Am I required to ask about your test? Do you wish to have a conversation with me? I am usually never alone with other girls my own age."

"Just shut up," Asuka spat. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear you. I don't even what to look at you. Just being around you makes me sick."

"Oh," Rei's voice did not change, and if she was offended at Asuka's tone she hid it well. "Is there something I could do to-"

"Make me like you?" Asuka interrupted her, turning her head to glare at her over one shoulder. "Sure, there's one thing. You can die today."

Rei's porcelain face did not change. She didn't even blink. And the lack of a response just angered Asuka all the more. What could Shinji ever see in this doll—this perfect little emotionless doll? How he could he possible choose that over a living, breathing human being like herself, who actually had a mind of her own and could feel things?

Or maybe that was why he was so close to Rei Ayanami—like his father, maybe he just wanted a doll that would do whatever she was told. A doll who would never talk back, who would die for him if he wanted her to. It was sick.

Asuka would never be like that, regardless of how desperate and lonely she felt. She would never be a doll.

Realizing the pointlessness of saying anything more, Asuka resumed her pace. But now there was something heavy in her chest. The thought of Shinji and Rei had, through whatever strange alchemy anger held over the mind, created a tight sensation that threatened to close down like a pincer around her heart.

By the time she made it to the entrance Asuka could hold back no longer. "Stay away from Shinji," she said. "He doesn't need somebody like you."

"Is that what he thinks?" Rei said, again her voice was soft but completely emotionless.

"No. That's what I think. Stay away from him."

"I should imagine that if the Third Child no longer is to associate with me, then that should be his decision, not yours. Even if you do have his well-being in mind. If he does not want me to speak to him, he should tell me. I would not be angry."

"Pathetic!" Asuka laughed bitterly. "So the doll wouldn't even mind being dumped like yesterday's garbage? I didn't realize you were so well trained."

Rei shook her head slightly. "It is not training, but if Ikari should make that decision then I would hope to understand it. I would not begrudge him for it."

"Whatever," Asuka retorted with barely controlled anger. "Stay away from him. For his own good. And yours. Unless you want to have a problem with me."

Rei shook her head. "I do not understand."

"Sure you do. You might be able to fool Idiot-Shinji with your act, but you don't fool me. I see you for what you are—a heartless doll, incapable of feeling anything. So what's the point in having someone have feelings for you? Ha, what's the point in even being alive? That's why I really hope you die in your Eva today. You'd be doing everyone a favor."

Leaving those words to hang in the air, and her own shrill voice filling her ears, Asuka rushed out of the locker room. It wasn't until she made it to the other end of the hallway that she spotted a small equipment closet and ducked in to finish fixing up her uniform. At the very least to put her shoes on.

"Stupid," Asuka growled under her breath, not sure if she was still cursing the doll or herself. She threw her things on a nearby crate, and stood there in silence for a while.