Chapter 30

Amora

The silence in the trees is all that ever makes me feel comforted. It's strange to me that silence is considered negative when really. It's beautiful. It is beautiful to me at least. Silence is the only thing that can really be pure.

I'm still feeling AJ's feelings, which also means I can't stop thinking about him. I'm trying so hard to find any distraction in the silence. Of course there's the leaves being blown by the wind, an animal scurrying about here and there. But I'm listening for voices, so I know if I need to leave. I don't want humans polluting my perfect silence. I'm not sure when I stopped crying, but my tears are dry. I'm feeling his pleasure right now and I am entirely disgusted. And angry. Does that boy have even the slightest comprehension of emotion? His best friend is in love with him, he swears up and down he's not afraid of who he is but now he's doing the dirty with someone? I bet it's Raven. I bet she's enjoying it.

Does she know about Ren? She probably does, she probably had it figured out as soon as she saw them together. I love Raven, but she can be so insensitive. So selfish. I bury my face in my hands and bring my legs up onto the branch I'm on to sit crisscross applesauce. I'd rather be dead than dealing with any of this. My procedures, my horrible connection with an emotionally manipulative bad boy. A best friend that despite everything, I'm always jealous of. And a psycho hung up on the bad boy that's currently having sex with the best friend I'm jealous of. Not to mention Derrick, who seems like a total tool. Too perfect for him to be real, he might as well be his mother's Ken doll. And I don't even like perfect guys. So even if he was real he wouldn't be my type, much less the kind of guy that I want to marry. I wish I could just end it all, end all of the noise, the responsibility, the emotional turmoil. It sucks. Plain and simple. There's nothing worse than being forced to live. I'd rather be forced to kill as long as I got to go along right after. But I can't die, I especially can't kill myself. I promised my dad I would never do any such thing.

"Now, Amora; your life is a gift from god himself. But trust me, sweetheart, it won't always feel like it. When you're older; you'll see it as more of a curse. What you are…" his kneeling form shows a faraway look in his eye before returning his gaze to mine. "It's not natural, and you'll hate it someday. You'll probably hate your mother and I for making you this way. Everything will be negative. Nothing will feel pure. Believe me princess; I've experienced the same feeling, for similar reason." My father gives me a sad smile "I know this is a lot for a sweet 5 year old girl like you to handle. But I want you to promise me something; okay princess?" I give him my brightest smile "Anything, daddy." He puts his hands on my shoulders. "No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much you hate us. I want you to promise me, not to take your god given life away from this earth. Okay princess?" I nod at him, "Of course daddy. I'd do anything for you." He chuckles, "I know you would princess." He wraps me in a hug "I love you, my baby girl." I grasp on to him tight "I love you too daddy."

I snap out of my reverie when a tear splashes down onto my hand. I stare at it as more roll down to meet it "Daddy." I whisper to myself as tears pour down my cheeks. My bawling keeps me from paying attention to the sound of approaching feet. That's why I don't notice when he calls out to me.

"Amora?"

It takes him climbing up the tree and grasping my hand before I realize he's there.

"Amora?"

AJ asks quietly. I try to control my tears to no avail. He grips it tighter, but he doesn't say anything else. He only sits there, holding my hand and waiting for my tears to slow. My head falls onto his shoulder and he kisses the top of it. He whispers, "I'm sorry." into my hair. Not expecting a response, just wanting to make sure I know. Not that I'm sure what he's apologizing for. Maybe he's just apologizing for simply being himself. I think about the mural he painted on the wall of the school last night. It was beautiful, an expression of emotion in a way that can only be described as divine. I could feel his emotion just by looking at the painting. And of course, that was well before he handed me my diamond bracelet that I threw in the garbage disposal, so it wasn't some freaky bond like the one we've been experiencing since. It was real. It was because of his natural artistry that conveyed the emotion so well. It was a breathtaking piece of art. My tears have all but stopped now and I gather up the courage to speak.

"Can I see your art collection?"

he gives me a look of surprise but what it changes into surprises me more than my question surprised him. His look changes to such raw pain. A sadness that I couldn't even begin to fathom, let alone feel. The tears spring back to my eyes and I let out a small gasp that luckily, he didn't notice.

"Will it make you feel better?" he asks quietly.

I give a small nod "But if it's too personal for you I'm not making you do it. in fact, if you're uncomfortable with it at all I won't let you."

He gives a small side smile, "I'm not uncomfortable with you, Amora. You basically already know everything about me anyway. It's just, I realized something last night. Why you look so familiar. I think it's going to scare you a little bit. "

"What is it?" I ask him with a tinge of concern. Maybe he is a stalker?

"It's probably better if I just show you," he climbs down with a sigh. "Let's go."

. I jump down and wait for him for nearly three minutes as he maneuvers himself onto the ground. He brushes off his clothes and rolls his eyes at me playfully.

"Show off."

I smile but don't say anything. At least his mood is improving. In the silence of the forest I can hear his thoughts. It's a strange feeling. Hearing someone else's voice in your head.

"I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. No matter how much I want to."

He glances over at me.

"I know you don't… the problem is I think you should."

we stay in silence for a few moments, should I say it?

"I know you had sex with Raven."

He clears his throat violently before rasping out "How?"

I scrunch up my nose, "I could feel you two. It was a little unsettling honestly."

"Oh." He says, reminding me a lot of a dumb blonde. Which makes me curious, I look at his white and pink hair.

"Oh?" I chuckle "That's all you have to say?"

his look of embarrassment just makes me more curious "What's your natural hair color?"

"Blonde, why?" confusion crosses his face but I just smile, stifling a laugh " Dumb blonde." I say to him playfully,

"Hey hey, no reason to bring stereotypes into this. Why don't you ask me a normal question huh? Like 'what's your middle name'? You wouldn't stereotype me then would you?" he smiles.

"Fine." I sigh "...what does AJ stand for?"

He pauses for a moment "Arthur James." He admits reluctantly. I look at him with more curiosity.

"Why don't you like it?" he just shrugs, "It reminds me of my parents. My mom calls me Arthur, and my dad's middle name is James too."

I nod, remembering what I saw in my vision last night, the way his parents treat him.

"AJ suits you better anyway." he gives a small laugh and nods.

"I know." He looks down at his ripped and ragged clothing. He's wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday. He probably didn't have the energy to change out of them. I look up into his eyes, he's so tall, it's hard to believe Ren is taller. AJ is more handsome though. Sure, Ren is cute, well, being honest, Ren's hot. But not my type. Ren doesn't have any deeper attractive features. AJ does, first of all he's the hot brooding type. The thing about hot brooding guys is that when you look closer you can see so much more. AJ has a strong, squared jaw that melds into his throat in one fluid curve. His almond shaped eyes displaying an unbelievable shade of olive green are simply stunning against his tan skin. He has pouty lips and a dazzling white smile that makes me think it's artificial. He has long eyelashes that frame his cheekbones perfectly when he closes his eyes. The way he moves is fluid, elegant, smooth.

"Why are you staring at me" AJ asks with amusement. I look away quickly, "No reason. I just… I just think you're very handsome."

He smirks, "You know I actually get that a lot."

"No way really?" I roll my eyes at him. I think about Ren again.

"AJ…"

"Please Amora," he begs "I don't want to talk about it." He looks down at the ground. I nod

"Okay. I'm sorry."

We're walking through a clearing in the forest, meadowfoam and purple deadnettle spread across the grass. White and purple is such a beautiful combination. These flowers are so common people often forget how beautiful they are.

I wonder if AJ thinks so too, surely he appreciates color and art and simple beauty. I look at him again, staring off at nothing as we walk. Thinking about god knows what. I feel his pain. As if the feelings are mine, a constant wrenching in my gut, coiling and coiling. If I focus, I can feel more of his emotion. I feel the pain spread through my chest, the kind of pain you know is emotional but is so intense it makes you want to curl up on the floor and bawl your eyes out until the whole world stops. The wrenching, nagging feeling of being helpless to stop anything happening to you, to the people you love, being sucked up into every mistake you've ever made. Digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole until you can only think of one way out. Just this short exposure is draining me. This is the emotion he feels all the time. The emotion he's grown accustomed to. How is he still alive? Of course I know he's tried to end his life. But why has he never gone through with it? It can't only be Ren. He's so strong, so brave. He's dragged himself through 17 years of life, going on about his day, irritating people, caring for his family. Making people laugh and others cry. All the while feeling like this, you would never know unless you knew him.

"Amora?" He looks at me with worry in his eyes.

"AJ." I whisper, suddenly overcome by the depth of his emotion. I crumple to my knees and he wraps his arms around me as I go down. My tears are endless, just like his. How does he hide it? The raw sadness. The skin-ripping misery, the screams that want to escape. I feel so hopeless, like if given the option I would blow my own brain out in a second. I grip at his shirt, clinging on to him, just wanting someone there.

"Amora, stop! Stop Stop!"

He says frantically, he understands what's happening. Am I hurting him too?

"Just focus on something else!" I try to find anything else to think about, anything at all. I am consumed in misery. I can't go on like this. I give up.

When I open my eyes the pain is gone. My breath comes back to me sporadically, I'm still choking back tears from the experience. I look at AJ's concerned face as his arms are wrapped around me. I wrap my arms around him, I hug him as much as I possibly can

"How do you live like that?"

He merely shrugs. "I'm just used to it." he says quietly.

"You're in pain, a kind of pain I never knew existed. And in my personal opinion. No one should have to get used to living like that."

He looks away from my eyes and shrugs. I notice a nearly imperceptible quiver in his bottom lip. He looks back and makes a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood, "It doesn't matter." He tries to force a smile but it falls short. Extremely short. I stare into his eyes for a few long moments, how can he keep himself from crying? Tears are still rolling down my cheeks I notice as AJ wipes them off of my face.

"Hey, stop crying on my account. I'm not worth it. I'm probably not even worth your time."

I hold back the tears until I feel none blooming in my eyes. "You're worth a lot more than my time. I just wish you'd see that as clearly as I do."

I begin to stand up, slow and shakily. I feel like weights are tied to my wrists and ankles, "Is it always this hard for you to get up?" I ask AJ and he nods,

"Enough about me; tell me more about yourself. Still wanting to see my art collection?" he asks me, eyebrow raised. He reaches out his hand and I grab it automatically.

"Obviously."

"Then let's go." He musters a friendly smile. I wish he'd stop doing that

"You don't need to pretend for me AJ."

He pauses and nods. "I know," he says quietly. "I do it for myself." From that point on, we continue in silence.