34. Comfort

A naked Levana sat on the cold stone ground meditating.

Meditation was something she had made a habit of doing over the years. It helped relieve the chronic depression she had. As she cleared her mind, she attempted to find out why she was depressed again.

Was it just because she hadn't had much social interaction?

Dealing with her "children" and believers didn't feel like actual social interactions to her. She felt like she was talking to robots. Each one wanted to please her and would say anything to do so.

It was lonely being a Goddess as powerful as Levana was.

Then again, she had brought this upon herself. She had wanted to become strong fast and she had achieved it. She had become so powerful that no one, not even the biblical God could just decide to kill her. She was now an integral part of the world and a powerhouse who could destroy continents on a whim.

She was now so strong that she always gave her enemies time to prepare before fighting her. Otherwise, the fight would end too quickly for her to feel the same rush she used to feel.

All this because she had once been scared of death.

All this because her stupid battle-maniac mind had concocted the best plan to become stronger.

All this because she thought that becoming powerful was the only way to ensure her safety.

Levana had been narrow-minded back then. She had played herself. She had learned too much about the world, seen and felt too much. Now, she was shackled to the world as are the other gods.

Binding reality and the world to herself had been a bad idea.

Yes, the other source of her depression.

She had been right, there were beings beyond this reality. Beings who cared about the fairness of the contract she had forced upon reality. They found her contract mostly fair. Mostly.

With her recent ascension as the Goddess of Reality, she could feel Their shackles loosen. She was getting close to being released from this reality.

Levana frowned in real-time. She was unsure of whether she should be pleased or not. Ascending beyond reality would make her truly omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. However, was that something to celebrate?

With omniscience, she would likely lose her connection to many of her emotions. Curiosity would leave her. Anger? Happiness? Sadness? Her depression would also leave her... something that she wasn't sure she liked.

She had a strange relationship with her depression. It always pushed her to become stronger.

There was also the situation that if she was to become omnipresent in the future when she ascended, wouldn't that mean that she had always been pushing herself to ascension? Literally? Did it work that way? Was that a paradox or a simple loop in time?

Giving her head a hard shake, she snapped out of her strange thoughts and opened her eyes. Her mind had strayed again. Levana could rid herself of the ADHD. However, she had decided to refrain from making permanent changes to her psyche.

Closing her glowing eyes once more, she delved back into her messy mind.

Levana had once been afraid of death. Yet, she enjoyed the thrill of fighting in battles that may end in her death. It was a dilemma that had caused her several headaches.

But now?

Now, she no longer feared death. She had given up at some point during her years as a goddess. Subconsciously, of course. She had never consciously acknowledged that she might be intentionally seeking death.

It was a complex situation that Levana could make simple if she wanted to. And she wanted to solve it.

So, it was simple.

She would just continue as she had been, fight who she wanted, do what she wanted, be where she wanted and feel how she wanted.

Opening her eyes, the purple glow of her eyes illuminated the now dark cave. It was night now, where she sat. Her mouth still sat in a frown. She wondered if she should lose some of her immense power in an attempt to feel what she used to feel.

However, she decided against it in the end. It wouldn't work as she expected it to she mused. Nothing ever did.

Finally, she stood, getting off the ground. Levana stared blankly out into the dark for a while before she spoke aloud.

" I... am... REALLY bad at thinking..." She wondered if she should just stop thinking so much and go by her gut. It had worked several times after all.

Tilting her head a little to a certain spot in the dark. She spoke to the person who stood there.

" Blau... come here." The blue bird-turned-god walked out from behind a tree and ran up to his "Mother".

" Mother, you seemed upset before! Was the warmth we provided you not enough to give you the comfort you want?" Blau, as he had named himself, seemed to be in distress. He had modelled his personality after children whom he thought were most innocent. He was a god of innocence, children, birds and the colour blue.

The child with blue hair, long for a boy, blue eyes and two large wings of blue feathers on his back ran up to his "Mother" but kept his head down as if afraid that he would be punished.

Levana stared wordlessly at Blau as she contemplated what her next action should be. She wanted to change for the betterment of her mental health and she could start now. It had been a long time since she had tried to display affection.

A comfortable throne made of hard light formed behind the naked goddess and she sat herself gently on it. Then, she gestured for Blau to come to her. The young god noticed the gesture and quickly shimmied closer to his "Mother" but kept his head down.

Fed up, Levana stood up and picked up the boy startling Blau causing him to make an odd squawking noise. Blau then made another series of squawks when he realised that he was sitting on Levana's lap.

Levana hugged the boy as gently as she could and brought her mouth closer to his ear.

" From now onwards, I have decided to be a good mother to my children. This shall help me gain the warmth I want. Okay, Blau? I shall tell your siblings personally." Blau, who was trying to make himself smaller as if he was being stared down by a tiger, nodded quickly and frantically.

Levana frowned and made a mental note to learn how to be more affectionate. Speaking of affection, she had never made love to a man before, she wondered how that would feel like. After her deification, she had more or less lost any lust she had to the opposite gender.

Though it was too late for her to turn around, she couldn't help but wonder how it would have felt to live a normal human life. To love someone, to feel the warmth of family.

A real family.

Not one which sought to use her.

Or one which worships her.

What would have happened to her had she not sought after the Mansion of Learning back when she had first felt its calling?

Would she have had to slaughter her family and her adoptive family?

Would she even have killed someone?

Levana couldn't help but wonder.