Chapter 32

"Who invented derivatives in Calculus?" Lauren complained.

I wrote out the formula on her notebook and tried to simplify down to her understanding. "Look, you have to do this."

Lauren squinted her at the page. "Why the hell is your handwriting so damn neat?"

"Are you really trying to be passive aggressive about my handwriting?"

"It's so neat, I might need you to teach me how you do it."

"Lauren, just try to solve the problem before I come after your eyelashes."

"I am at this point in life where my own girlfriend threatens to take off my ten dollar eyelashes."

"Lauren." I groan. I leaned back against my bed. "Do the damned problem."

"Math stands for mental abuse to humans, we need to protest."

I glare at her for a long time until she picks up her pencil and sighs.

"Fine, i'll do the problem." she answers the problem and throws down the pencil. "There."

"That really wasn't that hard."

"I'm sorry I don't have your computer brain that can analyze any question down to a easy answer."

"I don't like your attitude."

"I don't like your fucking genius brain but here we are."

"You're on your period, aren't you?"

"No, i'm not. I'm annoyed by Calculus."

I criss-cross my legs and eye our work. "Hmm..."

"Hmm? What?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What is nothing?"

"Lauren, I swear to god, let me think really quick."

"Thinking about what?"

I roll my eyes. "Close those lips of yours, please. I'm trying to think of a formula to use to answer this question."

"Make me."

I ignore her and scrunch up my nose at the outcome of a formula I thought of.

"I said make me." she repeated and leaned in close to my face.

I continued to ignore her and bit down on my bottom lip.

She licks my neck and says; "Dani..."

I side-eye her. "Why are you so needy for my attention? Can I do my work in peace?"

"Can I annoy my girlfriend in peace?"

I gently push her face away and go back to the question I was solving in my head.

"Dani, you're so rude, you know?"

"Shh!" I shushed her.

"Fine." Lauren goes back to her work and scribbled away at her questions.

~~~

I finish my homework and watched Lauren struggle on a question. We were sitting at my kotatsu table, which Nyree had furnished in almost every room. She said she liked the concept of the table-a table with a cover. I honestly like it. It helps me study better by keeping me warm.

Lauren had pushed back some of her hair out of her face and let out a frustrated sigh. She erased something on her paper and tried to fix it.

My eyes trailed down and I smirked. I slouched down enough to get underneath the table, and went in between her legs comfortably.

"Dani-" Lauren was cut off by my breathing against her skin.

"Do your work." I said.

"Okay..."

~~~

I laid down on her lap and listen to her staggered breaths.

"I-I hate you." she breathed out.

"Mhm. Let me nap here."

"I-whatever."

I closed my eyes shut and listened to her breathing go back to normal, and drifted off to sleep for the first time since my grandma died.

If I told Lauren that I cried myself to sleep, she wouldn't even let it go and ask me to go see the therapist.

I already see her enough as it is, I don't need to go see her for something as simple as mourning.

~~~

"Dani? Are you home?" I heard Nyree's voice call out to me.

I opened my eyes and carefully crawled from under the kotatsu, Lauren was fast asleep and snoring lightly. I stood up and walked out of my room to go find Nyree.

"Oh, you are home." she says when I walked into the living room.

"Yeah, how was work?" I asked.

"Could be better, how was school?"

"The final exams is getting under everyone's skin."

"It is your result if you pass or not."

"I know."

"Is Lauren here?"

"Yeah, she fell asleep."

"Did you two do any funny business while I was gone?"

Well shit, I did but now I have to lie to not get into trouble. "No we just studied the entire time till we both fell asleep."

"Are you being honest?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"If you are lying, i'll make it a week."

"I promise I didn't."

"Mm..." Nyree looks at me up and down before turning her attention to her work bag. "By the way, are you still celebrating your birthday?"

"Do I have to?"

"You don't want to?"

"I mean...now that...n-now that she's gone I really don't have the motivation to."

"I think she would want you to."

"Of course you do, but can I think about it?"

"By the time you're done thinking, your birthday will be here already."

"It will not."

"Yes it will."

"Ugh anyways," I start walking back to my room. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Sleep? Nothing else."

"Yes Nyree."

"Okay then."

I made my way back to my room and slipped back under the kotatsu. I went back to sleep in no time flat cuddling close to Lauren.

~~~

"Dani, it'll look cute on you." Nyree said leaning against my room door frame.

"No it won't."

"It's your birthday, try to lighten up."

"No promises."

Nyree rolled her eyes and left my room.

I looked back at the mirror holding the two piece set close to me. A baby blue crop top that'll hang off my shoulders with shorts that won't even touch my knees. They both had a black type design on them and to match I decided on black crocs.

"Should I wear black sneakers instead?"

I put my outfit on the bed, and went into my closet to fish out my black sneakers.

"Hmm...." I held up both shoes to the outfit. "Maybe sneakers would be best."

I tossed my crocs back into the box and into the closet, and changed into my birthday outfit. I let Nyree flat iron my hair, and do my edges to make them at least look neat.

I put on my fanny pack, which had my wallet, keys, card to my locker with my belongings, and my earphones that I don't need but I have a habit of bringing anyway.

I did my make up as best as possible, and checked myself again before leaving my room.

Nyree sat on the kitchen counter in pajamas eating cereal. "Going?"

"Yeah." I said in a monotone. I really didn't want to go.

Nyree points her spoon at me. "Call if you need me, Dani."

"Yes ma'am."

"Have fun." she waves me goodbye and goes back to eating cereal.

I roll my eyes and walk out the door to my car.

~~~

"She's grown now! Hell yeah!" Melanin shouts behind me in the backseat.

"She about to do her own shit!" Lexie shouts with her in the backseat.

Lauren giggled at their excitement. Me and her held hands in the front, while I drove all of us to the mall plaza.

"Not even ten minutes her girlfriend is in the car, and they already committing public display of affection. Are you trying to tell us we're single as fuck?" Melanin popped her head next to us and eyed our hands.

"Melanin sit back." I said.

"Hey Lauren, I got a good question for you."

"What is it?" Lauren replied.

"Who's top?"

I choked on my own spit, and almost looked away from the road in front of me to eye down Melanin. "Really? Out of all questions to ask her?"

"Come on, Lauren..." Melanin cooed.

"Er...Dani?"

Melanin goes wide eyed and turns to me. "No way...cry baby Dani."

"God dammit Melanin." I groan. "I'm not a cry baby."

"How do you guys do it anyway?" Melanin asks Lauren and obviously ignoring me.

"Uh..."

"Lauren, don't give in to her, she's just a nosy person." I said.

Melanin pokes my cheek with her index finger. "i'm just asking a question."

"Lexie, can you hold Melanin before I yank her back by her hair?" I said.

Lexie hesitantly grabs Melanin and holds her back.

I stopped at a red light and look up at my rear view mirror. Melanin seemed to quiet down and wasn't struggling. I lifted an eyebrow in confusion and didn't try to pry, I drove again when the light turned green, and ignored the awkward silence in the back seat.

~~~

"I am buying everything." Melanin said skipping into the mall.

I held Lauren's hand and walked in behind her and Lexie, who was just as excitement but kept it concealed a little bit more.

"Don't buy up the entire store, Melanin. People need things too." I said.

"Oh hush."

We walked to the first store and I looked around for anything I wanted. Lauren and I were more loaded than Melanin and Lexie, but they acted more richer by heading for the expensive stuff. Lauren and I eyed the clearance section, and I picked out a sweater.

Lauren picked out a dress and we decided that we finish looking around to pay.

"Dani, tell me, is this cute?" Melanin held up a blazer and a pencil skirt.

"Yeah, it's cute." I said.

"Alright, thanks." she says and goes back to looking through the racks.

Lauren and I paid for our things, and walked out to sit on the bench to wait on them.

"How was the funeral?" Lauren asked me.

"I honestly cried the entire time there." I said.

"Her house is really up for sale, huh?"

"There was no choice but to put it up for sale. She might've paid for it, but her insurance went to straight to my name."

"When are you going to tell them the truth?" Lauren asked. "Now that your grandma died, you know you have like a year to say something."

"What do I say?"

"Say the truth, Dani."

"Melanin will beg for me to not go, and Lexie will just be sad that I left."

"Paris is a long way from here."

"My mom set up her company in Paris, and kept another office in Miami. She really tried to hide it."

"But now it's a good company, so you'll have income and have a good future."

"I just wanted to attend Beach University, but I guess I can't since I have to leave the moment I graduate."

"Hey," Lauren rubs my thigh in comfort. "It'll be okay."

"We're going our separate ways and have to do a long distance relationship. Why are you calm about this? Won't you hate it?"

"You losing your memories felt like I was away from you anyways, I can survive a long distance relationship with you."

"I love that you're brave, but I never did this before. I can't be brave about something I never experienced."

"Then try at least."

"I wish it was that simple."

"When will you visit then?"

"Er...I have no idea. Mom usually stayed in Miami majority of her work life, but I have to personally go to Paris. I think after a few years or so I can return."

"I hate that modeling will do the same to me."

"Lauren, when we part ways, promise me you won't cry."

"I should be telling you that cry baby."

"I am not supposed to cry, you're my first love."

"Dani, please be strong for me. I want you to not lose hope in us."

"A long distance relationship plus years of not being able to see each other. That equals a bad outcome, Lauren."

"Why are you being so negative?"

"Why are you seeing the positive in everything?"

"Because if I see the positive, then the negative won't be there."

"The negative will always be there." I said. "We can't run from it."

"I'm not running from the negative."

"What are you doing then?"

"Taking my time to confront it. I just want to look past the bad and look at the good. I want us to survive this relationship together."

"Lauren...I-"

Lauren pressed her lips against mines. I kissed back and grabbed the back of her head, tilted my head to the side to deepen the kiss. I wasn't ready to let go, I wasn't ready to end this, and I sure as hell didn't want to forget her again.

I sensed her dejection and sorrow in the kiss, she said such positive things, but she is just as sad about this as me.

She isn't ready to leave my side, like i'm not ready to leave her side either. She shined light on me months ago, and gave me the strength to be who I am now.

How am I going to walk away from her knowing she'll someday be tucked in the back of my brain?

How am I going to face my future without her in it?

How the hell am I going to be strong if I am weak?

How will I be positive to drown out the negative if she's what keeps me in my high spirits?

I don't want to let her go, not yet, not anytime soon-but I have to. This sweet scent and taste.

I have to leave it all behind soon.

"And....the lovebirds are at it again." I heard Melanin say.

Lauren and I broke the kiss and shyly looked at Melanin, who was standing there with a hand on her hip.

"Finished?" I asked.

"I should be asking you that." Melanin smirked. "Are you done eating her face?"

I sucked my teeth and stood up with Lauren. "Shut up and let's go."

"Aw did I push a button?"

"Melanin, bring your ass on." I said walking away with Lauren.

"I'm coming, wait."