15. Pent Up

Going back to school on Monday is refreshing. He gets to see his friends, and as soon as he greets them in the morning he feels his spirits lift up considerably. He does feel an awful pang when they ask him about his weekend (probably thinking he went back home) because it makes him think about his mother and he feels guilty for lying to them about what he did during the short break.

He doesn't really know why he feels the need to keep this hidden. Aizawa-sensei knows and didn't seem to find anything weird with the fact he still had a quirk even if he was administered quirk suppressants most of his life, so he figures his friends wouldn't either. They would just assume One For All is his natural quirk, like they've done all along. Yet he can't bring himself to share that part of him. Lying to them hurts, but just the thought of speaking about this to them makes him way too anxious.

He settles for a half truth, explaining he had to stay put because of a sprained ankle but that he was fine now. Their concern for his well-being warms him and he relaxes into their lighthearted banter until the bell rings.

Classes keep him busy. He's surprisingly much more focused than the previous week, considering the most recent events that definitely turned him upside down. And it allows him to realize how far he fell behind in just a few days. While he didn't miss a single class yet, he apparently was so out of it that he still missed a few key points in his lessons.

After each class, that day, he manages to apologize to his teachers before asking them if he could be sent last week lessons and assignments so he can catch up in his free time. They don't ask him what has been bothering him recently, even though their concern is obvious, but they all offer him some extra time during lunch or after school to go over the last lessons together, but he politely declines; he's too embarrassed to accept, and he knows he can study and learn on his own if necessary. No need to take their time just because he couldn't focus properly in class.

Once school is finished, per his mentor's request, he meets him in his office.

"Hello A-All Might," he greets nervously when he enters after he's been told to come in.

"Young Midoriya!" All Might is in his deflated form, but even emaciated and sickly, he never fails to welcome him with a bright smile. Usually, the sight of it fills him with warmth and pride, but right now he feels anything but. "How was your weekend, my boy?"

Izuku contains a wince. The week prior, All Might had given him specific things to work on with his quirk, and while he struggled to keep at it during the week, he atrociously failed to do his workout during the nightmarish weekend. "Um, fine," he answers awkwardly after too long a pause, which makes his mentor frown worriedly.

"Is something the matter?"

"No! No, everything's fine!" He objects immediately, and Izuku sees the blonde's shoulders sag with what looks like relief. "Um, what did you want to talk about?"

"Nothing much, my boy," his mentor replies with warm eyes, serving the both of them a warm cup of tea. It's not exactly surprising. They've had several meetings of the sort, outside of training and away from prying eyes, sometimes during lunch and other times after school, like this.

During these, they sometimes discuss extremely important things pertaining One For All, like that time Izuku learnt that All Might's archnemesis might not have been as dead as they'd suspected, but most of the times they're just sharing a small snack while talking about their day.

They don't have much in common, Izuku realized with time, aside from heroics, of course. Even then, it was obvious after a few conversations that they don't always see eye to eye. Although All Might highly values justice and good deeds, he often to see all in either white or black, with little gray in between, while Izuku always tries to see the good in people, even 'villains', and doesn't hesitate to call out on the bad sides of heroes either.

In the end, their conversations almost always boil down to All Might checking up on him, or more precisely, on his progress. Izuku always felt like he was lacking, somehow, but he was also always proud and excited to share what he'd learned or figured out in between their meetings.

This time it's different.

Izuku is hesitant to speak to his idol, for various reasons. Aside from the fact that he made absolutely no headway since their last get-together, the situation with his mother, with his whole childhood, has him second-guessing his worth.

Is he truly fit to be One For All's successor?

He's been having such a hard time harnessing the stock-piling quirk. Even All Might didn't understand, mentioning a few times it had been as natural as breathing for him. Is it because of the quirk suppressants he kept injecting himself with since the beginning?

Oh god, what if he messed up the quirk with these? What if he ruined One For All for the next users? How can he tell his mentor that? How can he admit to his mentor that he sabotaged his legacy?

He can't.

Not only because it would destroy the hero… Izuku can't imagine what he'd do if All Might ever asks him to give back the quirk, or to give it to someone more worthy.

To go back to being quirkless.

So when All Might asks him how school has been going, he fakes a smile and tells him how great it's been with made-up brightness in his voice. He lies through his teeth because he barely remembers what last week classes were about. He's not sure if he's just that good of a liar or if All Might is just that gullible, but it looks like the man doesn't suspect anything.

Izuku doesn't register much of their conversation, being too focused on creating his net of lies to avoid disappointing his mentor. It ends, as it usually does, with All Might giving him a very firm, though not unkind, reminder of all his responsibilities as the new holder of One For All.

"Keep on training, and take care to follow our diet plan, young Midoriya. Let's try to up that percentage, yeah?" The hero tells him after about an hour of already forgotten topics. "You're a fine hero student, I can't wait to see you climb up the ranks to become the next Symbol of Peace!" The man's smile is genuine, full of warmth and pride.

However, Izuku only feels coldness and shame as the pressure of it all closes in on him.

"Thank you All Might!" He bows politely and thinks either the hero is really shit at reading other people or he just doesn't care, because the strain in his voice should be obvious. His smile feels paper thin on his face, his cheeks burning with the effort of keeping up the mask.

As soon as he's out the door, he feels it all crumble under the weight of expectations he knows he can't achieve. He thought he'd cry, as is his nature, but his chest feels tight in a different way. With stress, anxiety, and anger.

Not at All Might! He'd never be angry at All Might. He's angry at himself. Knowing it's his own fault for being a failure, for breaking his idol's legacy. For being useless, a burden, even now that he has a quirk.

The feelings follow him well into the night, and it's worse than it was the previous week. He dreams of his mother shouting at him. He dreams of Kacchan's sneer as he beats him to the ground. He dream of All Might, that day over a year ago, on the rooftop, telling him he's too useless to become a hero.

Each time, he wakes up with a start, and groans when he sees he's been sleeping for not even a full hour. He's been dozing, on and off, through the night, but even those frequent naps are filles with far to realistic nightmares. It keeps him on edge until his morning alarm rings, earlier than usual so he can cram in a bit of extra training before school starts.

As he steps into 1-A classroom, only the usual few students are already there. Iida and Yaoyorozu are both sitting at their respective desk, schoolbooks open and focused on studying in the quiet of the morning. Kirishima has his upper body sprawled across Kacchan's desk, yawning and almost doxing while the blond is scrolling on his phone, permanent scowl adorning his face, like always. Tsu is chatting, voice a respectful level to avoid disturbing the calm ambiance of the classroom, with a wide-awake Uraraka who's nodding along with whatever her classmate is saying.

When she notices him in the doorway, Uraraka beams at him and waves enthusiastically, seemingly overjoyed to see her friend, so Izuku feels bad that he's not sharing the sentiment. Not because he doesn't like her! Uraraka is possibly his best friend in, like, forever, and he loves spending time with her.

It's just… he's so exhausted. He wishes, for an instant, that he could just take her energy without a hassle, but then he feels bad for even thinking that, because he'd drain her of all of it in a flash.

He does his best to smile back at her despite the swirling negative feelings ravaging his chest, and gives her what he hopes to be a friendly wave in return to her greeting. He doesn't really feel up for small talk, so instead of striding over to Tsu's desk to join their conversation, he drags himself to his own assigned seat.

His throat constricts, however, when Uraraka is the one who joins him, standing beside him with her cheerful smile.

"Good morning, Deku!" Her voice is not loud, as one would assume from the bubbly girl, bit it's laces with joy, and warmth, and goodness. Still, Izuku barely suppresses a wince, because that name is so close to how he feels about himself these days that it manages to sound like an insult, even coming from the very first person who was able to rock his world by giving Deku a whole new meaning.

"Good morning, Uraraka," he replies more quietly, his eyes not quite meeting hers. He realizes he must have either failed to smile properly or failed to control his voice well enough when he sees her face fall slightly.

"Are you okay?" She asks instead of her regular How are you doing?

"I'm a bit tired," he admits, though it's a huge understating, "but I'm fine. Thanks, Uraraka." Her smile looks a bit fragile after that. She accepts his answer well enough, even though he can tell with the way she glances at him that she doesn't fully believe him.

She talks to him for the few remaining minutes before homeroom starts. He does his best to reply, to show interest in her tales and gossips, because he knows she's just trying to cheer him up in her own ways. Still, he can't help the little bit of resentment he feels from this friendly chatter, as he had hoped to relax, even maybe take a short nap, before school starts, and he's too self-conscious to kindly let his friend know he'd rather spend the time alone.