How to escape the pain?

About a week passed and I still wasn't over everything that happens . Malik was trying to move on with life but for me it was not that easy . The day before was Valentine 's Day ,Malik tried to get romantic ,trying to take my mind of thing ,but I messed it all up . I just broke down at a restaurant ,because I saw the woman sitting with her baby at the table next to ours and she looked so happy ,and her baby was really adorable .

Malik then realized it was still too early for me to be out in public and act as if everything was okay . I spent the next day in bed . To be honest I had no energy ,I just wanted to lie on that bed . I remembered that words of Tasha " Baby I know it hurts ,but you still young and you will have other children . They will not replace Legacy and loyalty but they will give you closure . " Every time when I thought of her words my heart broke into a million pieces ,like glass . The doctor told me the twins could have been my last chance of having kids ,because my womb was not that sturdy ! Life hey .

Lwandile came into my room. " I can't have any you stuck in this room for the rest of your life. You miss the boys ,but I'm sure they would want you to move on and try to be happy ! " .He came and sat next to me . God he pushed me to the bathroom and ran me a bath and I had no choice but take a bath . When I was brushing my hair ,in the cupboard there was the little duck ,and instantly tears filled my eyes ,I knew then I couldn't live like that I had to remove all that stuff .

I hadn't entered the nursery since the funeral . Lwandile found some boxes to help me pack up all that stuff ..He told me he saw it once on Dr. Phil getting rid of the things that hurt you the most ,is the start of the healing process . I was battling my tears ,every time I picked up a thing there was a story behind it concerning the boys and Lwandile sat there and listened to every tale I had to tell . Remembering all the good times we had even though they were really short sort of helped ,because I managed to smile through my tears .

We managed to pack everything into the boxes that Lwandile had arrived with . He disassembled the sleeping cots and places them in the basement . When he came back he found me on the floor ,just staring at the wall . He also came to sit next to me . " Do you think God is punishing me for what happened with Lewis?... I have been thinking a lot about that lately " .He shook his head . " That was an accident ,and he deserved it .

" You know Lwandile ,I killed a man took his heartbeat ,and I only thought about this and he could have been somebody's son . What if his poor mother is still searching for her baby she carried for nine months .Maybe she will never find closure because we burnt her son after I killed him " Those were my thoughts . Lwandile just kept quiet . " You did what ? " When I turned my head Malik had been by the door listening to our conversation .I went cold and blank ,I just placed my hand over my mouth .

" Lorna you killed a man and then you burnt him alive . That's so damn evil ,its pure evil ." I was so shocked I couldn't even say a word ,couldn't explain anything to him . Like seriously, how was I to explain a murder . Malik was a firm believer on Christ and faith . He looked so disgusted ,I tried to go up to him and touch him trying to calm him down but he pushed me away . " So maybe ,maybe you the reason God took my babies ,because you don't deserve to be a mom !" . When he said those words I was hurt ,how could he? That was the last straw ,I had enough ,I was getting judged because of a man that made my life a living hell !

" You don't know my past ,and you sure as hell don't know the things I had to do to survive ! You just told me your feelings ,so Malik I'm leaving you ,since I'm such a sinner and you a saint ! " I pushed him out of the way Lwandile stayed behind . I grabbed my car keys and drove off . I had mixed emotions ,I was angry ,sad and all that . I drove around for some time ,without a clear destination in mind . I finally drove home ,and I knocked on the door ,Dad opened it ,when he saw what a wreck I was he just opened his arms for me to find comfort .He did not know the reason I turned up on his door so late but he just took my side and supported me . He stayed by my side till in fell asleep .

The next morning I was woken up by Lwandile who was worried sick about me . He made me some tea and told me everything will be fine ,I should maybe try and clear things up with Malik , I did not have any fighting spirit left in me . I told myself I would let Malik think what he wanted and I was done trying ,because I always ended up broken and crushed . I had to just get myself a job ,find an apartment .I took a shower and luckily Sheila lent me her clothes . While I waited for Malik to leave the house for training ,I divulged myself in a bottle of whisky ,trying to forget everything . I had music playing and battling my tears and heart break .

Malik went out to training . That was the perfect time for me to get my stuff and get out of Malik's life . I got in the house and I took my time packing the things I needs . He had left his phone and I sat down and scrolled down all the pictures he had on his phone . Most of them were of the boys . When they first opened their eyes ,Legacy sat on his own. ,when Kyle lost his teeth . I missed that life I was so happy and felt needed . I was empty ,had this large space in my heart that was too large to fill .

" That is actually what I came back here for " I raised my eyes ,Malik was by the door . "I'm sorry ,I just came to fetch my stuff and I will be out of here " I placed his phone on the table and squeezed through him . I felt his breathing and got to smell his cologne . I missed him I, we had not been intimate for some time ,and losing the boys caused us to also drift apart emotionally .

He just sat and watched me move my stuff to the car ,he looked unbothered . When he sat on the couch and continued what he was doing ,I knew we were over and there was no need for me to explain myself because he had already trialed ,judged and sentenced me before I could tell him everything ,and he didn't look like he was going to listen anyways . I finished packing and stood and looked at him for some time ." I guess this is it ..." he stood up and just nodded and he headed for the stairs ..." Malik ?" he turned ,I took of my ring went up to him and placed it on his hand ,he gladly accepted it and went up the stairs . When I reached the door ,I took the last look and walked away .