SEPT

SYDTRON

WALA akong ginawa noong nilampasan na ako nila Kreiya, I was just watching her being taken away from me by Wyran. As much as I want to smash his face, I won't.

Wyran might be good for Krei, sadly I'm not. Hindi ko mapigilan ng luha ko, I wiped it eagerly.

Wala kang karapatang umiyak Syd. This is your idea, your fault. Wala kang tapang para ipaglaban ang mag-ina mo. You let your cowardness win, you killed your child and Krei hate you now. She loath you, even more. The way she said her parting words, her cold stare and rage toward him.

Ang sakit sa dibdib ko, ang pagkamuhi niya sa akin. Who wouldn't? Your a murderer, a killer.

Child murderer!

"Sana hijo, hindi mo pagsisihan to."

Aling Jerma said and sofly patted my slacked shoulder and left me alone.

Digesting all the immoral things I did today. Am I regreting this, killing my child?

My heart was struck in deep pain, grieving. Well, maybe or maybe not but this is the right thing to do, Sydtron.

Huwag mong pagsisihan to Syd, alam mong tama to. You did what's best for you, Krei and the child.

Hindi ka responsable, wala kang kwenta, inutil ka lang Syd. You won't give your family a better life if ever, sakit ka lang sa ulo, wala ka namang ginawang tama.

Huwag mo nang idamay si Kreiya sa mundo mong puno lang ng katangahan. Ang bata dahil wala kang maipapag- mamalaki kasi isa kalang talunan. Don't drag them in your life misery.

You just save them, Syd. By being away from you, malayo sayo. Wala kang ibang gagawin kundi sirain ang buhay ng taong mauugnay sayo.

Kaya mas mabuti pang paalisin nalang sila, wala naman akong kayang ibigay sa kanila, I will always be a disappoinment, a failure.

Walang kayang maabot sa buhay, your just a family's caused of disgrace.

Maybe Wyran will be the right man for Krei, hindi ako.

I will never ever be, tapos na ang chance ko kay Krei, simula noong sinabi kong ipapalaglag ko ang anak namin. Mas gusto ko siyang mabuhay na wala ako sa tabi niya, wala akong kayang gawin para sa kanya.

Isa lang akong duwag, hindi kayang magpakalalaki at kayang mapanindigan ang mga bagay na wala sa plano ng tatay niya.

And being a father was not in the lists his dad wanted to achieve by him. His father will not favor this at all, that's why I resorted to do immoral deed, aborting my own child.

Ayaw kong maranasan niya ang kalupitan ng tatay ko, nila ni Krei. They don't deserve living life, full of hatred and inflicting pain caused by my own father.

Ako lang dapat ang nagsu-suffer, they don't deserve the life's cruelty.

Wala silang kasalanan, ako lang. I won't let them be part of my drastic way of living.

This will be the last time I'll ever fall inlove, hindi ko na ulit uulitin to. I wouldn't let my emotion took over me, I will just break and ruin her, just like what I did to Krei. I ruined her, she trusted and love me so much and this is what I did.

Your just a worthless man Syd, walang kwenta.

Seeing how broken Kreiya today was itched in my head, her tears full of sadness, kung gaano siya kamuhi sa ginawa ko sa kanya, sa anak namin.

Kung gaano kasakit ang salitang binitiwan niya para ipamukha saking isa akong taong pinagsisihan niyang makilala, kung gaanong pagkasuklam niya sa akin dahil hindi ko siya mapanindigan, the way she looks at me with disgust proves it all.

Ang sakit makita yon sa babaeng tanging minahal mo.

Kung gaano ko nakita ang ebidensiya ng kawalang hiyang kong ginawa ngayon. How I saw the blood stains that I'm sure part of the baby's life being scarttered on her body.

It hit me hard, realizing how awful I am.

I just took it all away from her, being a mother, self-respect and our child. Isang bagsakan lang, isang katangahan ko lang at sira na ang lahat sa kanya.

Wala na pala akong itinira para sa kanya.

I deserved being cursed by her, sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa kanya, sa lahat ng pasakit ko sa kanya at sa batang ipinagdamot kung maalagaan niya. I'm so selfish bastard.

My perception that a baby will just ruined us but here I am, ako pala ang may kasalanan ng lahat.

I ruined it all, ako pala ang sisira sa amin. Away from her and killed our child, it's all my fault. Hindi ang bata ang sumira sa amin, kundi ako. No one else, I simply ruined us. Me, Kreiya and our baby.

Ako ang dahilan ng pagkawala nilang dalawa sa buhay ko.

I wiped off the tears that been flooding in my eyes, my chest felt like bursting in so much pain, heartache and longing. Sa isip kung puno ng pagsisisi.

I mindlessly punched the wall, making my knuckles bleeds profusely. Unminding the pain I felt, mas masakit ang nasa loob ko. I betrayed her, I'm her failure.

"I-im so s-sorry, mahal." Mga katagang kanina ko pa gustong sabihin sa kanya pero wala na akong lakas ng loob.

"Sana mapatawad mo pa ako." I miserably added my pleas.

But I know she won't. I hurriedly leave the place and drive my way home, tears was vontinuesly streaming on my face.

"HUTANG-INA mo Syd, ano bang nangyayari sayo?"

I just ignored their presence and continue drowning myself with alcohol. I just wanted to be numb, from the pain, regrets and forget how horrible man I am.

"Ano ba Sydtron! What's happening with you? Your ruining your life." Gykre calmly uttered, observing my miserable state.

I just nodded my head in agreement to what Gykre said. Well, I did, nasira ko na. I wanted to say but I won't.

Nawalan na ako ng gana sa lahat.

I saw Keir settle in a single sofa infront of me, looking so corcerned about my condition.

"You've locked yourself in here, alone and drinking in oblivion Syd? Ilang araw kanang hindi pumapasok, wala karing paramdam sa amin. Seriously, what's your problem?"

I didn' say anything.

"Is it your dad?" Yvanne asked in anger.

They know how fucked up my father is,  all of them have this grim looked as they stare at me.

"He hurted you again? Ano ba Syd, wala ka ba talagang gagawin sa tarantado mong ama? Hutangina yang kahayupan niya and you just let him." I saw how Gykre jaw clenched.

Wala akong ni isang salitang binitiwan sa kanila. I don't want to talk right now, gusto ko lang malasing para makalimutan.

Pagod na akong mapagod sa kakaisip ng gagaguhan ko.

Mga desisyong alam kung mali pero itinuloy ko ngayon gusto ko lang makalimutan lahat, kahit isang gabi lang.

Makatulog ako ng hindi nagigising sa hingal dahil napapanaghinipan ko si Kreiya na duguan, ang batang nakatitig sakin ng may pagkamuhi, puno ng pangaakusa.

Every night I'm having this horrible nightmares, my karma. Passing each night sleepless, restless and my conscience was eating my system. 

I covered my face as I felt the wet liquids descending on my face.

Hindi ko mapigilan, my heart was clenching in too much pain-hatred to myself. Ang sakit na, I'm this pathetic spineless man.

I'm crashing all my hopes to be with her again. I can hear gasped around me.

Yvanne said. "Syd, pare you can tell us what's wrong."

"Hoy, Syd. Wala pa munang iyakan, ikaw palang ang lasing hindi pa kami." Drave said to console me.

"Punyemas, ano ba Syd. Why are you crying? Puta? Is it for real? It's a prank bato? Hoy, Sino pang pinagluluksa mo? Sino bang namatay?"

I know as always Rageon, wanted to lighten the atmosphere by cracking a joke but he unconciously just added my hatred to myself, I'm a murderer.

I felt my heart clenched in pain. I just found myself saying this painful truth.

"M-my child. I-I just killed my c-child."

Walang buhay na pag amin ko sa kanila. I can see how they face all ashen as I said that.

I can felt how shocked they are by hearing their loud voices booming in the room after. Muttering continues expletives.

"What the fuck man! How could you? That is your child, a baby. Mali yon!"

I felt the stung in my chest as I hear Theo rubbed how stupid I am in my face.

Ang gago ko talaga! Bakit ko nga ba nagawa yon? Gykre closes our distance, patting my back lightly.

"Is it Krei? Oh I bet she is. Where is she? She agreed with this, aborting your child? Bakit?" I can feel Gykre's anger towards Kreiya.

I shooked my head, wiping off my tears. Drinking the liqour in my glass. Wanting to taste the bitterness, the proof that I'm still awake and hurting.

"Nope, I just ignored her resolve. I was the one who wanted the baby's disappearance. But they both disappeared in my life. Wala nang natira sa akin, Gyk. Kreiya was the only source of my sunlight, but I also dragged her in my life's darkness." I choked in tears.

I punched the floor out f anger to myself.

"This is how fucked up my life, wala na akong rason para magpatuloy, I've just lost myself right after I realized that I will never see Kreiya and my baby again. I've lost them Gyk. I totally lost myself, Kreiya and my baby. Wala na akong natira, ubos-ubos na ako, Gyk."

I chuckled humorlessly. "I gave up, suko na ako mga pre." I defeatedly admitted, tired of living my life this way.

"Hindi ko na kaya pa. I'm so tired with my life." I was so lost right now and I only wanted to end this misery.

Masyado ng masakit, hindi ko pala kaya. I will never be the same without Kreiya by my side. She was the only one who kept me sane.

Siya lang ang tanging rason kung bakit araw-araw akong nagtitiis sa tatay ko. My only sunshine when I felt so down and lonely but I lost her.

My sunshine, the source of my happiness. I took a sighed, feeling how broken man I am.

"Nagsisisi na ako, Gyk. I've regreted what I did, to her, to our baby." I took a heavy sigh, full of despair and continued.

"Right now, all I ever wanted is to be with Kreiya again, she's my life. Hindi ko pala kayang wala siya, mali ang naging desisyon ko, mali pala na parehas silang mawala sa akin. I can't, I can't continue my life without her. Siya lang ang kailangan ko, sila sana."

Hindi ko mapigil ang hikbi ko kahit nakakahiya na sa kasama ko, gusto ko lang maging totoo sa sarili ko, kahit ngayon lang. I just wanted to let this what if's be heard, kahit huli na.

Sa huli talaga ang pagsisisi, ang lahat. This is also my awful realization after spending days without her, hindi ko pala kaya.

Iba pala pag wala siya sa tabi ko, wala na siya sa buhay ko.

May kulang, malaki. Parang may malaking blackhole sa buhay ko, I'm lost in so much sadness.

"I miss her so much, her presence and how her warmth will always be my comfort zone. Siya lang ang tanging sandalan ko, she accepted who am I. Siya lang ang nagiisang tinanggap ako, minahal ng buo kahit durog na ang pagkatao ko. She was my strenght, oxygen and my sunshine but I shoved her away. Away from my life, my sight and my care." Wala akong ibang masisi kundi ang sarili ko.

" I made her left me, in my life and me, in hers." I barely said these undeniable facts, ang gago lang.

Rageon patted my back, sympathetically staring at me. Giving me his reassuring smile.

"Hey man, We are here. We will help you, what if we look for Krei? Maybe she's waiting for you, you know how much she loves you right? Mahal ka non, maybe she will forgive you, or just say how sorry you are to her man. You've made a very wrong choice, wrong move. Ask for her forgiveness, maybe it will help you."

Umiling ako sa kanila. I just darted my stare in nowhere, wanting to drown myself in nothingness.

Wiping my tears off. "I won't. After how I made her do immoral things, keep me from seeing her again. Nakatatak parin sa akin ang titig niyang puno ng pagkamuhi sa akin, how she regreted having me in her life, kung paano siya nanlamig sa akin after we aborted the baby." I barely said in pain.

Nakikita ko parin sa balintataw ko ang mukha ni Krei non, ang sakit.

"Kung gaanong ang dugo sa damit at kama niya ang nakatattoo sa isipan ko, every night dude, every fuckin night I have these horrible nightmares." Nasapo ko ang ulo ko sa sobrang takot, pagsisisi.

Confessing my current state right now. "I can't have any decent sleep, my child and Kreiya's face always flashes like a bomb, I felt like my head was exploding and my heart was ripping apart. Kung pede lang nilang iwan ang katawan ko kasi ang sakit-sakit na, pre." I confessed, ang hirap na, ang sakit sakit.

"This is not what I expected as a result. Ang weak ko pala, puta. Hindi ko kayang makita ang pagkamuhi nila sa akin. Ang sakit, naninikip ang dibdib ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil sa pagkakamaling nagawa ko."

I cursed as I punched my chest hard, wanting to hurt myself, gusto ko lang maramdaman ang pisikal na sakit, my emotional pain was ruining me, maybe I should hurt myself physically too.

They all stop me, worried in my breaking state. "Dude, enough. Hey, you can surpass this. Tatagan mo ang loob mo. We are here. C'mon. You can count on us. Nandito lang kami."

I cried my heart out infront of my friends, my doubts and regrets. They all listened in my misery, worried about me.

Kasalanan ko naman kasi lahat, I resorted in doing bad things, shortcut kumbaga. Masyadong shortcut kaya finished na, wala na.

Tapos na ang kung ano man ang dating meron ako, my Kreiya and my unborn child.

Puta, ang tanga-tanga ko talaga!

Marahang tapik sa balikat ko ang nagpagising sa akin

Waking me from my reverie, give their advices tila binabalik nila ako sa katawan ko, ang common sense ko. 

"We will just drink this pain away Syd. We are here, don't forget that. We will help you seek forgiveness to Kreiya. You both need that, masyado kayong nagpadalos-dalos at takot lang sa biglaang responsibilidad. Maybe it was not only your fault, partly pareho kayong nagkulang, nagkulang sa tiwala sa bawat isa."

I heard Drave Rez as he put the black label bottles infront of us, cigarettes and pulutans.

"Magpakalunod tayo sa pagkasawi mga Lodz.  Drown ourselves in alcohol to forget this unevitable pain."

Ashlon says as he stride infront of us, giving us a cans of sodas and glasses.

I dried up my tears, sinisigok pa ako.

Pero trinatry ko namang kumalma, and I will, I absolutely drown myself here. I deffinitely need them, my friends, they somehow eases my tensions away, pansamantala.

After a while, we all drunk hard, talks about random things, probably not my problem.

I know, they wanted me to have my moment. 

Rageon, Drave and Keir were trying to lighten up the awkwardness in here, they cracked jokes and banters with each other as they laugh at their craziness, pissing off Gykre when he's playing ML but Rageon was messing with him.

"Putang ina ka Rage, tumigil ka diyang hayop ka, pang-siyam ko ng patay to. Gago ka, nakarank ako. Kanina pa ako minumura ng kakampi ko, punyeta ka."

He trashtalk to Rage, who looks so entertained watching Gykre's anger state. 

"Ops patay!"

Rage said hiding his laughter as we later on heard 'Defeat' and long expletives as Gykre's deadly stare was darted to Rage.

"Punyeta ka Rageon. Tangina mong hayop ka, I was reported by my team. Gago! Halika dito ng ikaw naman ang ibang-bang ko, chocolate ako. Tangina mo!"

They bursted in laughter as Gykre runs after to Rage direction.

Napangiti lang din naman ako, seeing them with me is a big thing.

Dinamdam talaga niya ang pagkatalo. Somehow they really can help me with this, I needed my friends support and I know, I can count on them.

We been together for time being, our brotherhood was strenghten by the passed years. We held each other's back, founded a strong bond.

"Cheers. Bottoms up to. We still have five bots to feast. Let's party este inom lang pala. Tangina, sinong gising siya ang magaasikaso sa lasing. Nandito si Drave, you know he's a vomitbaby, kaya ngayon palang magpa- pakalasing na ako."

Rageon said as we clicked our glasses and drink it up while laughing.

We continued sipping our liquors, chatting and pissing each other and after a while we are all drunk and suddenly I passed out.

Thank goodness kasi hindi ako ang matutoka kay Drave, he's drunk already and vomiting.

Indeed, I will have a long night ahead.

I wish my nightmare will spare me today. I'm so tired in everything, goodnight fucktards!

*****

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HAPPY READING!

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