Thirteen

This was another attempt. A year and four months later but she was still traumatized by the excruciation on her premier trial at sex.

On the phone with Rhoda and Aleesha, she was explaining what went down with Mason. Rhoda and Aleesha had kept up with her since her first attempt. They were her run-to solicitors.

"You almost cried again? Damn. This is full blown PTSD." Rhoda lamented.

"I'm happy you see this is beyond my reach." Rhoda usually scolded Vera for being cowardly. Seems she finally saw there was more to it now.

"Maybe you should see a therapist." Aleesha suggested.

"Yes. I agree." Rhoda added.

"I know of no therapist in this lifeless town. You guys know of any?"

"A counter. I also don't." Rhoda responded.

"The saddest part of all these is no other guy will be more gentle than Wilson and Mason were — that's the peak of anybody's patience when horny. Now I know a gentleman isn't my solution."

"So true. Maybe an erotic massage would help then?" Aleesha suggested again.

"I know I'm in no position to disregard suggestions but I don't think that will help me. Being horny is not an impossibility for me. I'm horny. The fear just surpasses the feeling."

"You could start watching porn from time to time. It will stimulate some hormones, I'm sure." Aleesha added.

"Yes. You have a point there. I can work on that."

"What do you want to do now?" Rhoda asked.

"I don't even know. I'm so frustrated, you guys. How am I twenty years old still scared of sex? I'm not even a rape victim. What is going on? When does this problem evaporate?"

"This is all Jake's fault. God will punish that guy." Aleesha blurted.

"I was holding myself back from saying that. I really hope he suffers for this." Rhoda agreed.

"If I had known a slight incompetence in the beginning could have reshaped me into a traumatic mindset like this, I would not have considered Jake for the role at all. I've turned into a victim of my circumstances. I wish I knew better."

"Go easy. Relax your mind. I'll ask around for a therapist." Rhoda consoled.

"I'll keep in touch too, definitely." Aleesha convinced.

"I don't want to end this year a virgin again. Anyway, thanks, girls. You've been so supportive on this draining journey. May your wishes come true. Bye."

Vera heard both of them murmur their goodbyes as she hung up. What now? Where do I go from here?

Vera went outside to spend time with some toddlers— her neighbours. A little distraction. When it was late, she came home. She used her phone for a bit before dozing off.

Vera meditated for some days before an idea struck her mind : How about I use a dildo to penetrate myself? I control the power in that instance. When it gets hurtful, I withdraw the dildo. I will try the dildo consecutively on different days until it is successful. Sounds realistic!

Vera texted her friends to share her idea.

"See? I suggested something similar. Watching porn and using a dildo are intertwined. You've devised a good idea." Aleesha supported.

"Are you sure it's a good idea? What if you grow addicted to masturbation?" Rhoda scrutinized.

"It'll be a one-off mission. The day I attain the full penetration of the dildo will be the last day I use the dildo. I could even dash it out after. Why would I want to even use the dildo for self-satisfaction? There's too many men around me."

"You should proceed with your plan then. I've not found a therapist."

"A flaccid six-inch dildo should be good? That's the average penis size." Vera laughed.

Vera kept on forgetting to place an order until two days after that conversation. She went online to order because she knew no physical store that sold sex toys. She was shocked when she realized how expensive dildos are. Vibrators were affordable, unlike dildos. But vibrators could not serve the purpose she purported.

I just changed my phone. I'm financially down right now. I can't afford this. It is preposterous that dildos are exorbitant when penis is free. Penis is everywhere and it's free! It's my situation that's prompting me to buy a dildo. There's not even a guarantee that the plan will work— I'm simply being optimistic. Even if I have this much money now, I can't splurge it on a dildo. I have bills to settle and bigger needs. I guess I will have to wait for a couple of months more. Hopefully, I'm financially buoyant soon and more hopefully, I'm able to succeed with the dildo plan.