Chapter 30

"I'm so ready to go home." I sighed. Its been a whole week and a half since I woke up and all of my vitals are where they need to be now. Of course I'm still really sore and I can't really walk because of my ACL eve though I've been rushing the healing process and walking, well wobbling a little.

"You'll get to go home soon. We just want to make sure you're healthy enough to leave before we release you." Derek says.

"I know."

"Cheer up. Your conditions been improving everyday."

"I know and believe me I'm happy it is, but I'm ready to get out of here and get back to surgery. I'm falling behind. I mean take today for example, all of the other 5th year residents are rotating in as lead surgeons for the first time, but what will I be doing? Laying in this bed watching talk shows because that's all that seems to come on television anymore, now do I strike you as the type that enjoys laying in bed all day watching middle aged ladies gossip like hormonal teenagers?" I ask making Derek laugh.

"You need to be positive, this is just temporary. You'll be back operating before you know it and you're ahead of everyone else anyways. Nelson and I have pretty much let you take over as lead surgeon since you started 5th year." Derek reminds me.

"I know, but still I should be in that OR with you clipping that aneurysm today." I say.

"Believe me, I wish you were. I don't know how Meredith and I are going to make it through the surgery today. Everytime I see her it makes me think about the trial and Zola and I just get angry." He frowns.

"I understand how you feel, but you two love each other. You're going to get through this and you're going to get Zola back." I tell him.

"I hope so." He sighs, before his pager goes off.

"Surgery awaits. I'll be back to check on you." He says.

"Okay, have fun saving lives." I say making him smirk as he walks out of my room before Jackson walks in a couple of minutes later dressed in his blue scrubs. A couple of days ago after a lot of convincing I finally got him to start back working. I didn't see a reason for us to both be falling behind.

"What surgery did you get?" I ask excitedly. This surgery is a big deal, it's the first surgery he'll get to lead on.

"Well hey nice to see you too." Jackson jokes sitting by me on the bed and giving me a kiss.

"Hey my wonderful handsome boyfriend, now what surgery did you get?"

"A cheilioplasty. I'm changing a kids life today." He smiles.

"Yes you are. This is your second day on plastics. Mark must really like you, because he normally kicks residents off his service before the day ends." I say.

"He's actually not to bad. I like working with him."

"I told you once you got to know him, you'd like him." I smirk.

"Yeah, you were right."

"I know, I always am." I smile.

"Humble much." Jackson laughs,

"You know humility isn't a strong characteristic of mine." I shrug.

"That I know. Now while I'm operating I don't want you trying to convince the nurses to let you walk around the hospital. You've already had physical therapy this morning, so you need to relax for the rest of the day."

"Yes sir." I say.

"Liliana, I'm serious. I don't want you overworking yourself."

"I will stay in bed and relax, I promise Avery." I smile.

"Okay, I'll be back as soon as surgery ends." He says giving me a kiss before leaving. I turn on the TV and of course a talk show is on. I end up dozing off shortly after. I'm on so much medication that I can fall asleep in a matter of seconds. I don't know how long, I spent sleeping, but by the time I woke up Derek was in my room pacing around.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask.

"Meredith, Meredith is what's wrong with me." Derek frowns.

"Derek, stop pacing. Sit down and tell me what happened." I say.

"When we were in the OR today I specifically told Meredith to use a smaller clip to clip the aneurysm, but did she listen to me? No, she just went in with the clip of her choosing." Derek says sitting down in the chair beside me.

"Was it the wrong clip?" I ask.

"No, she was right it was the correct clip." He sighs.

"You know what I think?" I ask.

"What?" He asks.

"You're not mad about the surgery, you're mad that you can't trust her. She ended your trial, almost ended her own career, and got Zola taken away, so you don't feel like she's capable of making a competent decision."

"You're right." He sighs.

"I know. Derek, I understand that you're angry and that you're hurt, but right now you need to remember what you promised her on that post it note." I say.

"That I would love her, even when I hate her."

"Exactly, now I can't tell you exactly how to deal with this, but you're not going to work it out by treating Meredith like she's the devil. She had good intentions, she wanted to help Adele. She did what almost any other resident in her position would of did, you need to remember that." I say.

"I'm trying, it's just her impulsiveness, it's what I love about her, but at the same time it's what I hate. I know she has good intentions, but I don't think I can ever trust her work wise again." he sighs

"Tell her that, she made her decision, now tell her what you need to make your marriage work. You can do this Shepherd, you just need to go home and talk to your wife, communicate" I say.

"It's worth a try, I guess."

"It is, you love her, so it's worth it."

"Okay, I'm going home to talk to her. Call me if you need anything." He says.

"I will." I say.

"Okay, wish me luck" He says before walking out of the room. As soon as I get comfortable and start to fall back asleep, I hear the door open and I see Jackson who's obviously upset walking in.

"Baby, what's wrong?" I frown.

"I failed in surgery today, I was supposed to be the Gunther." He sighs sitting on the bed beside me

"What exactly happened, did you botch the surgery?"

"No, I didn't even make one cut. Sloan ended up doing the whole surgery instead of me." He sighs.

"What, why?" I ask.

"I psyched myself out. When I was looking at that little boy laying on the operating table, all I could think about is the fact that I was determining his future. If I made one wrong move I could permanently scar his face instead of fixing it and I couldn't do it, I couldn't operate." He sighs.

"Jackson, don't beat yourself up. Everyone knows how talented you are. What you did today was smart and caring, you didn't think you were capable of that particular surgery, so instead of taking the chance of damaging that little boys face to boost your ego, you let Mark operate." I say.

"I know, I just thought I was ready."

"Baby, it's okay that you weren't ready. You've only been on plastics for a couple of days, fixing a cleft lip is something that takes prior observation, just take this as a learning experience and next time you'll be ready." I say taking his hand in mine.

"You always know the right things to say." He smiles.

"I'm only saying the truth, you're talented don't forget that." I say giving him a kiss as he wraps me in his arms.

"Avery, I'm still sore, not to tight." I remind him.

"Sorry, is this better." He says loosening his arms a little bit.

"Yeah." I nod getting comfortable laying on his chest before falling back asleep.