Year 5 Chapter 16

There was something to be said about being surrounded by a veritable army of Gargoyles of various shapes, sizes and forms, and yet being utterly unable to practice the one spell that I was trying my hardest to make work. It was as if some invisible force would stop me every second I attempt the wand movement, or took the wind off my sails whenever I was about to speak it.

Rather than some unnatural entity, it was rather my own mind refusing the possibility of having something hidden, or rebuking the idea of having some fluffy, small creature as a Patronus. If it were a small mouse, for example, no matter how powerful it would be then what was the point? I couldn't help but feel unsatisfied about the way the Patronus worked.

What if a tough and burly man conjured forth a cute little kitten?

But then again, would it matter the shape, or the form, just as long as the thing was functional?

I glanced at the staring Gargoyles, at the judgment of their blazing eyes, at the shadows that crept across their stone faces from the flickering torches and I exhaled. It wouldn't do to worry. Even if, by some extreme coincidence, it was something cute and funny I could as always feign ignorance.

This was all for the future, though, because I had yet to successfully do the wand motion and speak the words even once.

"First learn how to walk," I grumbled. I was so used to throwing the spells I knew silently, I was off in the pronunciation together with the wand movement. I silently hoped the thing would have wings, or be an awesome dragon. I took a deep breath, and then repeated the wand motions.

Whatever would appear would appear, and I would be glad for it.

No matter what. No matter how tiny, insignificantly small, or outright obvious it would be.

"Expecto Patronum!" only a thin white mist left the tip of my wand after my oh-so determined self-aggrandizing monologue.

Well, there went something else I'd need to work on the double due to the incoming practical.

Still, as my sleeping schedule took another hit down the drain, I began to feel confident the OWLs would go just as planned. That confidence wouldn't be my doom. What would be my doom came in the form of a friendly invitation to hang out during the Easter Holidays. That, and the people I would hang out with.

"And to think I hoped I'd be able to sleep," I grumbled as I stared at the ceiling, hearing the loud bangs from a few rooms down. I wanted nothing less, and nothing more, than to turn my head around and go back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn't.

I couldn't because I knew, deep down, that the noises were for my sake. Dumbledore had presented me with an opportunity of sorts, an opportunity that I would have felt bad for not taking.

Thus there I was, trying my hardest to sleep through the noises of hushed whispers and grumbles, the clanking and the chanting of spells for this or that specific thing, and by the time I finally decided to get out of bed, I knew that only hell awaited me.

"I'm terrified," I grumbled into the mirror, staring at my reflection. I passed a hand through my hair, groggily pulled my clothes off and got into normal, everyday ones. I felt a lurch at the bottom of my stomach, and prepared myself for the upcoming disaster.

Then, I opened the door. "You can't come downstairs yet!" Amanda zoomed near me, as if standing guard outside of my room meant she could actually stop me from heading for my morning coffee.

"Coffee?" I asked, my voice raucous enough that I felt it had been dragged through hell and back during the night. Listen here, my voice, you can't go on a hellish adventure every night.

"Here," Amanda said, eagerly presenting me with a thermos which I opened, and took sips from. Thus pacified, I glanced at the hallway.

"Where's everyone?" I asked, "I've heard noises."

"No noises," Amanda answered instead, flatly. "No noises whatsoever. It's just me."

I lifted an eyebrow. I slowly stumbled back into my room and plopped down on my chair, the homework for the Easter holidays laid neatly in a pile. Amanda stepped inside, and sat down on my bed. I had words about sitting on someone's bed when the bed was yet to be remade, but I kept them to myself. These brats, seriously, doing cute and heartrendingly childish stuff like organizing a secret birthday party for the likes of me at the bottom floor of the Hog's Head.

In the comfortable silence that seemed to stretch, I drained the thermos quite nicely. "So, got here through the Floo network?"

"Yes," she said, "Felt a bit queasy with using the Floo, but it was the quickest method."

"Knew it was a good idea to have it installed," I answered with a sigh. "Aberforth didn't want anything to do with it, but I said it would bring in customers, and that it did." I looked at her, "Well, if it's just you, and there's clearly not the rest of the gang down below doing their hardest to put up a surprise birthday party, do you want to go over the homework or do you have any questions about the Expecto Patronum practice?"

"I'm going to make a fool out of myself," Amanda said with a sigh as I veered the argument from the utter silence to something she could participate in. "It's going to be something utterly funny, or silly, or even stupid."

"Can't beat mine," I said with a chuckle. "I'm stuck at the mist."

Amanda's eyes blinked, "But that's impossible," she whispered, "You're incredible at everything. You're just pulling my chain to make me feel better, isn't that it?"

I shook my head instead. "No, it's really not. A Patronus reveals the side of ourselves we wouldn't normally wish to show, or need to use. For some, that means showing a strong side, but for others, it means revealing their inner turmoils and emotions." I crossed my arms over the back of the chair, plopping my chin down as I stared straight at Amanda. "Some people can do that, and others simply can't. I'd love it if my Patronus turned out to be a large, mighty dragon, but I fear it's going to be something so utterly small and insignificant to not even warrant attention."

I chuckled as I said that. "And because I don't want to feel bad about it, I don't find the strength to go through the incantation."

"That's stupid," Amanda said, flatly. "If what you're saying is true, then the smaller the better, no?" she mumbled, "The most common, the greatest it is. If it uses the power you would have never used otherwise...then it means you're already using that which you know you have, so if it's grandiose, it means you're not really doing much in your everyday life, isn't that right?"

I raised both of my eyebrows. "I think magic doesn't work on fancy logic," I exhaled, "Still, seeking power is meaningless. It comes best to those who don't go for looking for it. It's just...I do need to be at the top of my game, always. The pressure gets to me sometimes too, you know?"

I closed my eyes, and sighed. "Whining doesn't suit you. Well, not unless it's whining about how we're risking our health doing interesting stuff you think might hurt us," Amanda answered with a giggle. "Come on, I've stopped hearing the totally non-existing noise downstairs, so how about we get some food as snacks too?"

She smiled, and extended a hand for me to clasp and get pulled off the chair, and onto the hallway.

She didn't let go even as we made our way down the stairs, though she did have me close my eyes because, clearly, there was a dangerous curse on the stairs if you kept your eyes opened while descending them.

Thus, I had my first surprise birthday party.

Thus, the month of March ground itself towards the inevitable May.

The chills running through my arms and legs though did not disappear.

Something was off, but I knew not what it was.

It terrified me, it terrified me far more than the Career Advice with Professor Flitwick.