38. Overwhelmed

Mirabel was fine.

She was fine. Why wouldn't she be fine? She was back with Papá, and now she got to keep both him and the rest of their family. The family was rebuilding Casita, the rubble all cleared away and reconstruction efforts just starting up.

She was fine. Better than ever.

Sure there was the looming fact that she had yet to be a part of or hear about a conversation between her three parents. Sure she woke up every morning feeling like Papá did after a vision night. Sure there were so many people around that sometimes she felt like she could disappear. But none of that made her feel bad. It was fine.

Every day meant more work. Even on days that she was supposed to rest she found that the only thing that could make her feel better was helping out. It was satisfying to see all of the rubble cleared away, satisfying to sketch out designs for the bedrooms they'd be building for all of them. It made her happy to watch the children in her free time, giving the little ones their own well deserved break.

She got to know so many people. She naturally gravitated more towards the women she had helped in town already, even though she could only remember a handful of their names. They were all content to work along side each other, chattering about random things they did in their personal lives. Even though Mirabel didn't have anything to contribute to those conversations it was nice just to be around familiar faces and get her mind off of the guilt she still felt about the entire situation.

As long as she kept her body moving then she could distract herself from everything. She could pretend that it wasn't getting harder and harder to make eye contact with the people around her. She could ignore that ache inside of her every time a person said something a little too loudly. She was fine. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. This was all normal. It's normal.

She could smile at her family as they came up to her and asked if she was okay. She could look Julieta in the eyes and tell her that she was fine. Because Mirabel was fine. There was nothing wrong with her.

Until it all fell apart, like Casita had.

“Mirabel! Can you pass me that trowel please?”

Mirabel smiled as she handed Jorge the tool he asked for, but there was something nagging her mind. Everything had been fine for the entire construction project. She'd felt very confident and relaxed as they moved all of the old parts of Casita out to either be repurposed or discarded. She'd felt fine as they laid the foundation. Felt normal as they started the construction of the walls.

But now. Now that there were actual walls keeping her inside... Now that there were so many people in such a small space...

No. Mirabel couldn't freak out. If she freaked out first she would upset the people around her, and then she'd have to stop helping. And she also couldn't tell anyone about how she was starting to feel, because if she did that then they'd force her to stop, and stopping was the last thing she wanted to do.

But if she didn't do anything it would get worse! And if it got too bad then Papá would take her to Casa! She loved her old home, but she didn't want to go back and leave the rest of the family in the unfinished home! Not when they relied on Papá for-

“Mirabel, can you get that bag I just dropped?” Mirabel's attention was snapped up by Luisa, with a pile of burlap bags in her arms. Mirabel forced another smile, and replied, “Sure thing Luisa!”

She picked the bag up, noting the smooth texture inside of it. “Is this for spackle?” she asked, making sure she maintained an even tone as Luisa lowered her arms for her to place the bag on top of the pile.

“Yeah, Tio Bruno asked me to get some for him. Said he's something of a spackle master.” she said with a grin, and Mirabel forced herself to grin back. Act normal. Breathe Mirabel. In... out... Knock on wood.

Mirabel made sure that the bags wouldn't fall out of Luisa's arms, then watched as Luisa started walking in the direction that Bruno was presumably in. Mirabel suddenly had the overwhelming urge to run to him and ask for a hug, but she found her feet planted firmly on the ground.

Her eyes seemed to register every single person that was around her all at once. She gasped and shut her eyes tight for a moment. Then she opened them again, and there were twice as many people than before.

Not good... Not good at all.

“Hey!”

“Over here!”“Not that way!”

“Thank you!”

“What are you doing? It's supposed to be this way.”

Their voices were so loud. Mirabel wanted to clamp her hands over her ears. This had happened before. She just had to ride it out. Find something to do. Distract her mind from how she still wasn't used to being around people. She should go take a break. Find a rat or two and distract herself from life. She wanted to be alone, but she also wanted people. She wanted... wanted...

What did she want?

Someone bumped into her, and she heard their apology like it was a scream in her ear. They shouldn't be apologizing to her, she should be the one saying sorry! It was her who wasn't moving! She should go and find something, anything to make it worthwhile to have her here.

She didn't feel her heartbeat start to rise. She didn't feel her breath start to quicken. She wanted to rub her eyes, she just wanted to get back to normal. This was going to pass soon. Sometimes this happened. Papá had been overwhelmed just the other day and had spent it all alone. But Papá had been hurt years ago, and he had a harder job, so he had a good reason to rest for a long time. Mirabel was fine. She was fine. This feeling would pass, like every feeling did.

She focused her eyes on the kitchen wall, a pile of butterfly tablets waiting there to be stood up like they had been in Casita. No one was working on that, so she could do that! She could work on the wall, and she could be useful.

The voices around her now felt like they were screaming at her. She heard every sound, yet understood no words. She tried to take a step towards her new project, but found that her foot wouldn't rise. She felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs.

The voices were so loud! The air was so thin! The colors were too bright! She just wanted... wanted to be helpful. She just wanted to fix what she had broken... She needed to help! Why couldn't she help!?

“Mirabel?”

Someone said her name, and she flicked her eyes over to them. They were... someone from her family. She knew that. She knew her family! She remembered their names! Papá had taught them to her years ago. She definitely knew which one was standing in front of her. She definitely remembered who wore the yellow dress. She remembered the name of the one with flaming red hair... She knew who... who...

She couldn't remember her name! She felt tears start to pour down her cheeks. The words that the woman in front of her said were a jumble of gibberish in her ears as she felt her knees buckle beneath her.

Everything was so loud! Everything was too much! No! No! She couldn't go back! Papá would surely take her back now! No! Please! She could do this! She could stand up, she could tell.... tell... Tell... Tia... Pepa! She could tell Tia Pepa that she was okay! She could do this!

She watched her Tia shout, and yelped as the loud sound pieced her eardrums. She felt her hands come up and grab her face, she watched Pepa's feet dash off, but she still felt like she couldn't breathe.

Breathe! Come on Mirabel! Breathe! You don't have water in your lungs like that one time you fell into the river and Papá had to save you from drowning! You can breathe! Its just air. Calm down. Everything is fine. You're fine.

Mirabel was fine. She had to be fine. She didn't get to be upset. Everything was her fault. The candle going out, the house falling, everyone losing their gifts...

“Mirabel?”

It was Papá. Why did it have to be Papá? She wanted him, but he would take her back to Casa. He would take her back and she'd have to say goodbye to Dolores, and Julieta, and Antonio, and Camilo, and Isabela, and Luisa, and... and...

“Mirabel, mija,” her eyes registered Bruno, kneeling in front of her, a concerned look on his face. She wanted to open her mouth, to say... something to him. She wanted to say that she was fine. That she would get over this in a moment. That everything was just a little too loud. But she found her mouth sealed shut.

Her throat hurt. She felt herself start to tremble, but she didn't care.

Please go away Papá. Please don't take her away. Please. She just started to get to know everyone. She loved them! She just sometimes stopped being able to control her body. Please just go away! She'd be fine! She was fine!She couldn't find the strength or ability to stop Bruno as he reached out his arms and picked her up. He huffed as he did so, a loud “Oof” coming from him as he stood up. Mirabel felt her arm flop towards him, trying to smack him away.

He was going to carry her back to Casa! She wouldn't even get to say goodbye!

“I need to get through!” Bruno shouted, and Mirabel whimpered. She didn't see the people move, but she could hear their steps. She wanted to bang her fists against Bruno's chest and tell him that it was fine. That she was fine. That he didn't need to do this. That she was okay. That this was okay.

But she couldn't, and the next thing she knew Bruno had carried her all the way out of the house and into the grove of trees.

He set her down, and then collapsed next to her. He looked like he was tired, and she wanted to place a hand on his shoulder and let him know that it was okay. But she couldn't. All she could do was sit there and let the sobs that had been building up in her chest erupt from inside her.

She pulled her knees up to her head and buried her face in her skirt. Her body shook with sobs, and she felt her tears start to get faster.

Then there were arms around her. Familiar arms. Arms that had carried her to where she was sitting. Papá's arms. She looked up at his face, which was drawn with worry.

“I'm... I'm sorry...” she choked out, and Bruno's face turned from pure sorrow to confusion. “Sorry?” Bruno asked, and Mirabel nodded. “Whatever are you sorry for mija?”

“That... that I made you... do that...” Mirabel said, worry overtaking her once more. She was feeling the tiniest bit better, but still bad. Her eyes dropped to the grass under her, and she felt Bruno's arms drop from her shoulders. She swallowed, gaining slightly more control over her body. “I made a huge... huge... scene... I shouldn't have...”

“Mirabel, you just had a panic attack.” Bruno said with such force that Mirabel was taken aback. She looked back up at him, and saw that his face was serious.

This was it. He was going to tell her that they were going back to Casa. This was where he was going to say that it was a bad idea to stay in the Encanto. She swallowed, trying to prepare herself for the inevitable. She stared in his eyes, and waited for his next words.

“Oh mija,” Bruno breathed, sadness once again etching his tired face. “I guess you've inherited more things than I expected from me. This is all my fault.”

Papá's fault? How could this be his fault?

“Papá...” Mirabel breathed, and Bruno took her hand in his. He took a deep breath, and said, “I should have known... I should have seen the signs! How stupid am I? You've been isolated your whole life! Of course you'd get overwhelmed... and...”

“Papá? What are you talking about?” Mirabel asked, her confusion rising. Bruno stared in her eyes, and her lifted his hand and wiped her tears away with his thumb. “Mirabel... you'd been doing so well... and I got so distracted by everything else... that I forgot that you need... time. To adjust to 'normal' life.”

Mirabel blinked at him, and then asked in a hopeful voice, “So... We're not going back to Casa?” Bruno blinked at her in shock, then exclaimed, “No! Of course not! Unless you really want to. Why would you think we're going back to Casa?”

She didn't know how to feel. Part of her wanted to laugh for joy that she didn't have to leave her family, another part of her wanted to smack her head in anger at how stupid she had been. So she chose the middle of the two feelings, complete emptiness and shock.

“We're... not going back?” she asked, and Bruno chuckled sadly. “No mi vida, we're not.” he said, cupping her face in his hands. Mirabel stared into his eyes, and this time happy tears started trailing their way down her cheeks.

Bruno smiled at her, and then dropped his hands from her cheeks. “Let's take a rest right now. Then we'll go back and make sure that your Tia doesn't worry a storm up. After you've calmed down some more you can tell me what happened.”

He draped his arm over her shoulders, turning to sit next to her and pulling her close. Mirabel snuggled up next to him and closed her eyes.

Now she was fine.