Chapter 8

Christian's POV

Everybody has their own demons. The fears, guilts, doubts, and regrets that haunt us. We were told that we could defeat our demons. But it's not easy at all. The quickest way is called 'Acceptance' By accepting your own flaws and move on, you conquer your demons. And some people can't and don't want to accept it.

It's not necessarily their fault, no. Many factors play in someone's decision. The common one is the environment and other people. If you have gone through them, you'll know what I'm talking about. Some people would belittle you and try to guilt-trip you. Or maybe even they aren't any people who support you and guide you through your darkest time. The world is cruel and unfair indeed.

For example, if you have money to be able to buy the service of a therapist or a psychologist, you probably have guidance for your problems. Even though it won't solve all of them, but at least they got pieces of advice from the person in charge. But if you don't have money or connections like me, you are struggling on your own. Sure, you can talk to somebody about it, but what is the guarantee that they won't spread rumors or talk about your stories to other people?

After all, humans can't be trusted one hundred percent. I know some people trust each other with their life, basically a soulmate at that point. But not all people have them. It's a special bond that only the highest chance of affinity people can do. Ah, I'm jealous of people like them.

As a child, I am known as an expressive child. I wore my heart on my sleeve. But now, I'm just a close off person with no initiative to get close to another person. But then my heart desires the opposite thing. It gets very lonely from time to time. Why does God make humans a social creature, I could never understand. I guess my expressiveness has been stolen as well.

My demons keep haunting me to the point the nightmares become too much to handle and triggers a panic attack. Waking up, my body drenched in sweat, I can't breathe, and there's a pain in my chest. One time, I got too scared to close my eyes. My complexion is always bad because I never had real sleep. I'm always wondering how in the world I could still stand the very next day. I thought a lack of sleep could cause fatigue. The panic attack would always drain my energy.

I can go through the day as usual, but sometimes I can faints. Then when I woke up, I'll always be at home, in my room. I don't have friends, then how could I be back home? Then there's this what people call a memory gap. If I try to remember some things, I get nothing. It's just a blank. What the hell happened to me? Did I get sick or something?

Ugh, it's highly possible. I don't really care that much, but it just weird. Then again, all of these strange episodes stopped when I met them. Nathan and Matthew, I don't know what made them any different, but somehow I can feel the sense of comfort and safety coming from them. Weird, right? During these three years of knowing them, I began to sleep more peacefully at night. I got this feeling like I'm being protected by something.

Then the nightmares started again. The voice that keeps warning me somehow feels familiar. My guts are telling me that I know that voice from somewhere. The voice itself meant no harm, but what comes afterward is the one keeping me on my toes. Right now, I can hear Nathan's voice and soothing word. The nightmares vanished into thin air as if they never take place.

I was sitting at the edge of my bed, reading a book. Then that voice came again, echoing inside my mind. "Are you tired?" What the hell? I got startled, and the book flew away from my hand. "Who's there? How can you speak so freely inside my mind?" I asked. "I will not reveal who I am for now. Not when your state of mind is worse to wear." I gritted my teeth in annoyance. "What the hell? This is my mind! You will tell me who you are!" I shouted. "It may be yours, but it is mine as well. You're the one who forgot. Take the responsibility of remembering as well."

Forgot? What did I forget? I know that the voice is familiar, but I cannot remember who. "I cannot remember who you are. I am sorry for that. Just tell me who you are, please?" I apologized. "No. You must find the truth yourself. The answer lies within you, but your mind must be clear. The way you are now is impossible. You must rest." When it says to rest, my eyelids felt heavy. "I... I can't rest. I need to..." The words are cut off when my head hits the pillow. The world went spinning. When I close my blurry eyes, I can see a figure hovering beside the bed. "...Kaien," I muttered and went to slumber.