SEE WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN

I was aware after a while but I think Freddie was aware from the very beginning. We were indeed strolling along St Ann Street, the so called Velvet line, bordering the gay area in the French Quarter. Exactly at the northeast part of that street there was a lot of pubs and discos all orientated to that people.

Freddie didn't start yet to unleash himself as he did one year later. But his radar was in perfect condition. He knew he was stepping into familiar enviroment and I knew he died to explore one of these places.

Outside in the street could be heard the loud disco music perfectly. More than one boy who filled the bustling area, set their hungry eyes on Freddie's whole body. The latter held their gaze with evident cold blood but he grabbed my hand tightly as though he send them a message: "I'm straight, guys. I'm not available". I didn't let go of his hand but I did feel free to say:

- If you want to get into, go ahead. I'm walking alone to the hotel. It's not far from here.

- Don't tell nonsense. I'm not going to leave you alone at night.

- What's going to happen? I'm sure nobody is interested in me.

Did I encourage him to have a good time and doing crazy things? I wasn't in my right mind. Precisely I must protect him from all that but there was still scope for action. There wasn't still danger as it would become later on.

I felt sorry for him. I knew about his primitives appetites and how much he tried to tame himself. And I... I started to lose the perspective of my goal. I started to be subjected to his own happiness in contrast to my plans. I started to show clear signs of fierce infatuation. Not the kind of infatuation which a 13 year old girl feel listening to Nevermore, something slightly more dangerous. Something which could hurt me so much.

Freddie came with me to the hotel, just two blocks away but so he assured I arrived in one piece. And at the door I understood I would go to sleep and he would try his luck in some of the places. Or in all of them.

A sudden dizziness seized my head and covertly to avoiding noticing my restlessness, I leant against hotel's entrance wall. I wanted him feel free for a few hours but that would weigh on my conscience, that was clear to me.

- I don't know what the night hold in store for me but so far it has been a perfect day -he said simply, touching slightly my cheek.

- Same to me -I just could say.

- Wish me luck.

Fuck, you bet I'll pray for you. For your own sake and mine.

- Wait, before you leave...

I rummaged into my bag where I usually found the most rare things. I used to pick up things from here and there and I thought after my last "loving battle" with Roger, I've put my safe girl storehouse in a safe place. There it was, indeed.

- Here. Use them in case you have luck.

How could he be unlucky? He looked so sexy that they would pull down his pants before even say good night. Freddie looked frowning at the preservatives box and then at me with soft and puzzled and clearly baffled smile.

- I don't think there is danger to get pregnant anyone -he let out a grin.

It was funny how those people's brain worked at that time. AIDS was still a very distant nightmare, of course, but they weren't even aware of how many venereal diseases they could catch. Being afraid of sex was out of the question.

- Just promise me you'll use it, please.

- Elideth, I try so hard fitting you into some kind of mould and time and time again you jump out of it. You don't fit into any. There's nothing to suit you.

- I guess not -I bit my lip, so insecure and helpless with the things he told me sometimes.

- Sweet dreams, mousy. Come on, get in.

- See you tomorrow, Freddie.

I rushed up to my room. After closing the door I stood there glued against it with my eyes closed. I tried to forgive myself not to start my inner torture. If I hadn't pushed him to visit the velvet line, he would manage to do it on his own without my encourage. I could see his eyes clearly, I was aware how hard I would find to keep him apart from he got involved unavoidably. That curious, steamy, almost "a child at Christmas day" gaze. Who am I to tell him being faithful to Mary? In the first place, I must be faithful to myself and there was no escape. It was his nature.

Suddenly some energic knocks rapped at my door, startled me. I was still sticking against the door like a butterfly to its pin. So those knockings made my cheeks trembling.

I open up to see Roger. I looked at my watch. I didn't even know the time. It was three in the morning.

There he stood the most dangerous blonde on earth with his fair and messy hair, as usual. He smoked fiercely and had a huge stain on his t-shirt. He stared at me from head to toe as though I lost my leg or arm.

- Have you just arrived? -it was the first thing he asked me eagerly.

- Yeah.

- Where have you been?

- I've been walking around the town with Freddie.

- Is New Orleans so big?

- I'm tired, Roger. What do you want?

- Just make sure you were in your room this time. I think it's the fourth time I knock on your door.

- You can see I'm fine. Safe and sound.

- May I come in?

- It's too late and I'm tired.

- I've already heard it. I don't think you are tired.

Roger stepped into naturally, closing the door. He threw a look to my room. I noticed he didn't smell like alcohol, just cigarettes and ketchup.

- You have a nicer room than mine.

- And you have a ketchup stain in your t-shirt. Take it off, I'm going to get it out as long as it is fresh.

He looked at me two seconds a bit confused but he left his cigarette on the ashtray and he pulled it out over his head.

- How do you know it's ketchup?

- It smells like it. It's still fresh. I'm getting out quickly.

I went to the bathroom and grabbed the stain remover I used to take with me for potential accidents. Yes, I was like this. I took condoms, handkerchiefs and stain remover. And anything a girl could need and more. That's why all my bags were XXL size.

I attacked the stain the wrong side of the fabric and rubbed off with cold water. I made it disappear soon and I hung it on top of the shower. I wish it was everything so easy in life. I sighed and turning around, I faced Roger and his smile.

- I'm not angry with you anymore -he blurted out wrapping around my waist tightly.

- Why should you be angry with me? -I let it go, struggling.

- Because you disappeared and didn't tell anything. That's why.

- Rog, I don't have anything to tell you. Do you remember that we aren't...

- We aren't what? Cannot we make ourselves happy when we feel like it? Come on...

- No, Roger, don't start all over again. We broke up. It's the wiser decision for us.

- I've spent all day long eating compulsively because I didn't know what to do. You tested my nerves when I came here and didn't find you.

- And whenever you came and didn't find what you were looking for, did you eat a hamburger with a lot of ketchup?

I couldn't help cracking up a smile. Roger was so childish in his actions and so dangerously adorable. He was like a spoiled child fucking harassing. You couldn't be angry with him for so long.

- It doesn't seem funny to me.

- Oh, Roger. How couldn't I laugh? It just... You manage always to make me laugh real hard. But take care when you eat, you clumsy. Look how it looked your t-shirt.

- You know all my clumsiness is because of you, don't you? You know that...

- The only thing I know is I want to sleep and you should do the same. Tomorrow I'm bringing you back your t-shirt.

- This horrible humid heat is driving me mad. Here it's impossible to sleep.

- You should try.

Suddenly I could hear again knocking at my door. This time they were a little bit shier than Roger's energic knocks. He looked at me confused and so do I. What's wrong with my door tonight?

Opening up and seeing Freddie standing there, I stood paralized. You could say we all stood stunned finding what we didn't expect.

- Oh, sorry. I didn't know Roggie and you...

- Roggie was already going. This tropical heat is damaging clearly his neurones -I smiled at him lovingly while Roger watched us dumbfounded.

- Fred, are you ok? -the blonde asked touching his friend's shoulder.

- Sure, darling. Try get some sleep.

- I hate this damn town. Fortunately we're going tomorrow. I'm going to die drowning in my own sweat. How can you wear your jacket and not sweating?

- I'm an angel, my darling. Angels don't sweat -he caressed his cheek with so much affection.

It always seemed to me so tender the love Freddie and Roger shared. They were like ying and yang. One blonde and the other brunette. One camp and the other so masculine. But they complemented each other perfectly.

- I'm gone. Baby, if you need me I'm just two doors away -he winked at me while I rolled my eyes-. I'll be inevitably awaken.

- Sweet dreams, Roggie.

Leaving on our own, Freddie and I couldn't but staring at each other baffled for a while. We both knew it was nothing happened. It's been barely fifteen minutes since he left me at the hotel entrance.

- I came to send it back to you -he rummaged in his pockets and handed me the condoms box with a truly angelical smile-. There was no need.

- Keep them.

- I'll end up lose them.

- Didn't you like what you saw? -I asked hesitating that the question would be too indiscreet.

- I didn't saw anything.

- Do you mean you didn't go there again?

- I went but I couldn't get into anywhere. It was like there were dragons throwing flares in each door.

I burst into laughter with Freddie's similes but I also checked mesmerized how good he could express his feelings. He did it so easily. When everybody else mumbled, he let his words out that divine throat with such a magic softness.

- You are afraid of dragons and their flares.

- Not always, darling. Just tonight.

- Then I'm glad you're safe from the flares...

- I think it's you who Queen needs. Roger comes to you to calm down his sleeplessness...

- There's nothing between Roger and I. He's like a child... he drives me crazy.

- Shhh, don't explain to me anything. I don't need it. I just wanna know if you will be with us any longer or you will run away.

- Why should I run away?

- This is just a break, my love. In two days the madness will return and I don't want you get weak or you loathe us when we are such big assholes.

- Freddie, you are starting to frighten me. Do you want to throw me to the dragon's flares?

- Just think about it -he brought gently his lips close to mine giving me a loud kiss, even that kiss sounded like a song-. Try get some sleep, my love. I think I need calling Mary to sleep too.

I stared at him with my eyes open wide, drinking till the last nuance of that tremendous sentence. Freddie and his inner fight since a few months seemed so obvious, just at this moment. Right now he was advancing me Bohemian Rhapsody's lyrics.

- Send her a kiss from me.

🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌

23rd april 1974. The bus was our home on the road again. We travelled to Boston and 1516 miles awaited us. We were staying the night in Knoxville to take the road again the next day.

Brian spent all day and part of the next one locked down with Peaches on his room. There was no trace of the beautiful woman with nacred earrings and amazing green eyes who drove him crazy. But he looked like some digger would tread on him. He looked sleepy, his blood shot eyes. One could never say he had been inmensely happy those hours. But obviously it proved to be true.

Nobody asked him if he was fine. Only there were little tasteless jokes. Brian would accept them in a good mood. It was part of the game, he did it too like everybody else. I saw a little beyond. I had the advantage of the futuristic wisdom. This would be his sickness tour. And he was suffering that sickness and he didn't even know it. Although of course apart from that, there was the hopelessness to leave behind that woman. Would he call Chrissie too?

My empathy was an overwhelming force which played dirty tricks on me. Seeing him so downhearted I walked closer to his area in the bus.

- May I?

Without answer he drew apart a lot of magazines from the seat to leave me room to have a seat beside him.

- Oh, you are reading Gore Vidal's Burr -I noticed seeing the book in his hands.

The cover was slightly different to mine but sure, we were separated by just a few editions and at least thirty something years.

- Did you know it?

I disliked his surprise. Seemingly I was disconcerting him too. The sexy doll reading about politics.

- I love that book. What I've read about the founding fathers didn't match the facts that my history teachers taught me.

- I didn't know there were rumours about Van Buren was Burr's illegitimate son.

- Well, it's history novel, not essay. Gore use him like any other ingredient. I would love to meet Burr in person, he was a real leader. I think he stood up even among such an ostentatious elite.

- He could be the fourth president of United States. The truth is travelling along the country I felt like steeped myself in its history. When did you read this book? Had Vidal lend you the manuscript? It's been published some months ago.

Ashlee, you can't say to him you've read the eighth edition. Not even Brian's was a first edition. I noticed this one wasn't from Random House but Bantam Books and the cover pictured the weapon with the huge letters of BURR. At the heading you could read the book was number 1 for more than 50 weeks throughout the country and New York Times assured it was a breathtaking enjoyment. My book was duller.

- I read fast.

Ha! Very good, Ashlee.

- I don't know when you do it, really. Your PhD thesis, your Roger, your Freddie...

- My PhD thesis? News travels fast. You are a bunch of gossips.

- A little bit, yeah.

- How is your thesis going?

- I hope to take it up again. How do you know...?

- Try keep a secret on tour -I elbowed his arm warmly but it proved a clumsy act for my part.

- You are right. Oucchhh, don't touch my arm, please.

- I'm sorry. What's wrong?

- It weighs as though it was made of lead since I vaccinated to go to Australia early in the year. It swelled enormously and developed gangrene. They almost cut my arm. Since then it still hurts me.

- Are you ok to take the guitar?

- Of course. I have time to recover. Between today and tomorrow it will get better.

If we are subject to history, Brian would stand up. After 6 nights in a row at Uris theatre in New York he would end up collapsing and sending the rest of the tour to hell. But it still left time to this.

We arrived the next day almost at midnight to Boston. We were knackered with so many miles travelling by bus and luckily we had one complete day to rest before the show at 26th april.

But the tour dynamic was relentless. At the end the uncontrolled spiral of drugs, alcohol and several more excesses was always with them. Mott the Hoople were great guys but they were out of line. They were just the image one could have of a rock band. With all its cliches.

I was a silent partner in all this madness so I used to choose keeping a low profile. I was always with them or very near and that's why I must as much as possible let me get pulled in by that tide drinking sometimes too much. Nevertheless, I kept myself away from drugs.

I looked with apparent calm how everyone drilled their noses while I searched some distraction and avoid it. I was drug addict once, I thought sadly. And even then I didn't have the will to choose.

- Here, doll. Take a little bit.

Sammy, one of Mott the Hoople's roadies was perking up that afternoon. He offered me a couple of lines and I rejected absent-minded while I read self-involved in a corner. At the end I've stolen Brian his book Burr and I was reading it again.

- You'll feel fine -other colleague insisted lying among empty beer bottles.

- I don't want to -I said with energy crashing the book against my face.

- Do you regarded smarter than us just for reading that fucking shit? -a third attacked me pulling the book away from my hands and threw it far away.

- But what the hell... -I mumbled seeing those three idiots around me.

- You are just the Queen whore. It's an open secret.

The truth is I had lost the track of time. The time sped up and slowed down and seemingly I didn't any control. We were in Mott the Hoople's room, I arrived with Brian or John, I didn't recall well. We were chatting a while. I started to read at a corner and lost the track of time. And suddenly there they were neither Mott the Hoople nor Queen. Just those three dimwitts getting high.

I avoided the silly and insulting words and I went to pick up the book which they threw it. But one of them grabbed it and started to tear its pages out with a smile. I ran to him shocked by he was doing.

- Prat, what are you doing? That book is not mine. It's Brian's.

- It can belong the pope of Rome for all I care, I don't give a fucking damn.

I tried to took it before he was keeping tear it out but he just shook it in the air avoiding me to grab it and laughing hysterically. I kicked his stomach and he fell down the floor, stopping his laughter instantly.

I just cared about the book, I was going to catch it but I didn't have time. Another guy grabbed my arms and threw me on the air, making me fly several inches, landing on the floor and hitting myself against a table. Then I thought with my electrified locks around my face I must ask for help but I lost my voice completely. The fear overwhelmed me.