The Countess's Secret Diary (2)

...

The doctor has confirmed that I'm going to be a mother. He's back too. I was going to tell him the good news. I asked him if he preferred a boy or a girl. I thought he would say he liked both. I didn't expect him to say that he was the only bloodline and heir to the family and that the first child had to be a boy. I felt uneasy, what if the first child was a girl? I swallowed my pregnancy and waited, as he wasn't home much anyway. I would tell him when the baby was born as a boy.

But what if, what if I have a girl?

...

My belly is getting bigger and I have avoided him since the last time I was afraid he would find out I was pregnant. I haven't slept with him anymore. He seems angry, but I couldn't care less ...

I still long for his embrace. But what I long for more than that is to give him the boy who will carry on the family line and I want to see the smile on his face when he sees him.

In prayer ...

My child, in fact, whether you are a boy or a girl, your mother loves you the same.

Just ...

I am so tired, it is so hard to carry a baby in October.

...

Whenever my baby kicks my belly, I talk to my baby. I sing to my baby and tell her what I am thinking and feeling at the moment.

I stroke my baby's little feet, or hands, or brain, or round little PP ... haha, I feel so happy with myself at the moment.

My child, you are so close to me. Mummy doesn't feel alone anymore because of you.

Mummy, I am looking forward to your birth ...

But I wish you could stay inside forever. ...

Blank, blank ...

My baby is born. A child with curly blonde hair and azure eyes. Eyes as clear as a pool of turquoise blue lake. My child, as lovely as an elf, as beautiful as an angel.

But my child is a girl.

...

What should I do? I have already used the money to seal the mouth of the midwife and the people involved.

...

I love my baby. When I touch her, my hands tremble and my heart is wild with joy.

But what was I to do?

Do I let my child face the horrible indifference and the shadow of a loveless mind, or do I let her have a quiet life without knowing her origins?

...

My child, I hope you will forgive me.

Mummy will leave you at the door of the convent.

There, perhaps, God will redeem your soul.

...

My child, my mother herself left you at the door of the convent. I could not bear to leave. I heard your voice crying. My heart ached like a needle. I could hardly resist the urge to bring you back.

I told myself that if the nuns didn't come out in another five minutes, I would take you home.

Time dragged slowly and heavily past my eyes. I counted the seconds. My heart twitched with every second I counted.

By the time I reached the third second, I was exhausted. I could not bear the sound of your crying. From where I was hiding, I could clearly feel your eyes, which were more lovely than a deer's, were now watery with tears. Your eyes seemed full of disappointment, disappointment at your mother's cruelty and boundless sadness ...

You were so small and delicate, so beautiful, and yet you were lying miserably in a basket. You cried loudly, as if the whole world was saddened by your crying. At the same time, my heart was suffering like never before.