Redo as a healer [6]

Dr. Smith's words had reawakened the feeling that James had been sure to push away, emotions that we had been ignoring for so long. And now, there was nothing I could do about it, I could only meet them head-on.

Sadly, it appeared that my poker face wasn't quite good enough for the man not to notice that there was something wrong, "Zero, are you okay?"

"Ah, I'm fine, it was just... a lot to take in... Would it be okay if I got a moment to myself?"

I had no choice, I knew that this wouldn't be pretty, and there was no way I could let him see the process in which I tried to understand all of these emotions. Luckily, he just nodded and stood up from his chair, "I understand. I'll give you ten minutes to think things through."

Like that, he left me alone to my thoughts, thoughts that I now had ten minutes to try and get under control. "Fueeee..."

With a deep breath, I steeled my mind to dig up all the unresolved emotions that I needed to deal with, starting with trying to accept the reality that even though I had reasons, there was a big risk that I had acted out of pure paranoia. And thinking back to what I had said through sub-me, I already knew this.

Another wave of nausea threw itself at me, with tears welling up in my eyes. How crazy it was that just by talking with some new people, I had been forced to face myself like this multiple times already in the span of just a week.

'Fuck...! We know, okay?! But back then... I saw no other way...'

In the end, I had even stopped sending messages to Nana because the guilt had been too much for James to bear. Though our emotions were a bit muddled in our 1st form, it wasn't that we couldn't feel anything, it was just that they were a bit farther away.

Tears were now silently running down our cheeks, as I could somehow recognize that Zero had taken a step back. As if he wanted to allow James space to confess his sins.

And that, we had done. We knew what our sins were, and in many ways, this sin would weigh us down more heavily than what we had done on earth. Both were instances caused by unfortunate circumstances, but they weren't quite the same,

Suddenly another voice could be heard in my head, a voice that I had no idea that I needed to hear, but was the voice that broke the final straw.

'-James, Theia has already forgiven you for that sin. Our current body is proof of that, and I'm sure that Gael is already taken care of. If anything, you should use this guilt to make sure it never happens again, that innocent people shouldn't have to die because of us.'

As much as the voice was mature, it reeked of innocence. '-But we both know that innocent people will die during the war, and because of our actions, this number will most likely increase a lot... Because this is what we... No, this is what I have to do.'

'-There is always another way. Loki never told you how you had to do it, after all. Though I have no idea how I feel about demons, from your memories, I am not sure if they are all evil either, at least not more than some humans.'

For some reason, I felt my mind grow increasingly hazier the more the conversation inside of me went on. But I couldn't care less right now. It was the first time I had a real conversation with the boy inside of me, and more than that, his words were important for me to hear.

'-Are you sure about this? You do realize you would be going against Theia herself if you do this?'

'-Do I have a choice? I am not in control of our body most of the time. You are. I just hope that you will try to find redemption by at least trying to find another way to fulfill your promise to Loki. Because... that's the right thing to do...'

And suddenly, I felt my mind slip away, and even the connection I had with sub-me disappeared. Though the guilt was still present inside of me, I felt as if Zero had somehow managed to calm them a bit.

'Tch... To get comforted by that stupid brat...'

==========

Opening my eyes, I was met by the sights of the white ceiling above me, and as if the rainy night had passed, my mind felt weirdly refreshed.

"Boy, you pass out a lot, you know that?"

Sitting on the chair while reading a newspaper, my teacher appeared to have been waiting patiently for me to wake up, not panicking in the slightest even though I had passed out. 'Is he afraid of what Jessica would do if she knew?'

My homeroom teacher hadn't been a teacher all her life, and with a past in one of the hidden families, it made sense that Dr. Smith didn't want to get on her bad side.

Raising my, now, stiff body from the floor, I felt like I had to ask my instructor, "How long have I been out?"

As he hadn't returned when I passed out, it meant that I knew that I didn't manage even having a ten-minute conversation with Zero without my brain overloading, but I had no idea how much time had passed since.

Returning the newspaper to his spatial inventory, Dr. Smith opened his mouth, "You have only been out for about 20 minutes, so there's nothing to worry about. However... I'm sorry, Zero. I didn't mean to make you this upset. I just wanted... you know..."

As he struggled to find words, his mind probably intercepting to stop him from bringing up his own circumstances, I didn't put it against him. "It's okay, teacher. I would have needed to think about this at some point, so the sooner the better, right?"

"I guess so..."

Of course, I wasn't actually talking about the fact that people would unavoidably die, but the emotions that had now been dug up, sitting deep in the pit of my stomach. However, right now, it was accompanied by a feeling of responsibility.

Mistakes weren't solved by crying or screaming, they were solved by taking responsibility and moving forward. Though the guilt was undoubtedly still there, and would most likely remain, I could at least keep going with this.

*Clap!*

"Alright, if you are feeling okay now, let's begin with you actually learning how to use healing magic. Now, I don't recommend you to use a huge spell like you did yesterday, instead we will start small and work our way up slowly."

Walking up to and sitting down in front of me on the floor, I suddenly remembered the times Zero had spent with our Dad again, how we had been sitting on the cold, stone floor while he showed me magical things.

"How do we start then? I'm sorry, but even if I used that spell yesterday, I don't think I could do it again..."

Truthfully, though I had blurry memories of what I had done, I had no idea how I managed to conjure that massive cloud of healing rain. So, in other words, I had still no idea how to approach the subject and the idea of healing.

Shaking his head, he didn't share the same opinion, "The biggest hurdle has already been passed. As long as there is an affinity inside of you for healing, there will be no problems. Oh, I will be cutting myself again now, but it won't be as severe as yesterday. Just... Just so you are ready."

Taking out his scalpel, he made a very shallow cut on his forearm, just deep enough for some beads of blood to emerge from the wound. "Now, don't think too much. There are indeed a lot of complicated ways to heal someone, but for now, just focus on the sensation of wanting to help my body repair itself."

"But, how should I apply the mana?"

"That's up to you, but it seems like you are very similar to Sarah in the way that your elements are very close to your affinity for healing. So that would probably be the best way to go about it."

Pondering for a bit, I tried to find an image that suited what I wanted to do. There were so many forms my water could take that it was hard to choose one, even more so when I knew that I only needed something small.

Then, it hit me. A memory that I had already thought about earlier today. An image of me sitting in front of Dad while crying as he healed the little bruise on my knee.

"[Bubble Bandage]."

As I spoke, a small blue bubble came out from my hand and quickly found its way to the cut on Dr. Smith's forearm, splitting up into even smaller bubbles that sat themselves in a line over the wound. And the next second, I could feel a sensation of giving, as well as a sensation of Dr. Smith receiving.

The next thing I knew, the wound had closed up, not even leaving a scar to show the previous iteration of the skin.

"Well done, Zero."

Seeing the proud smile on Dr. Smith's face, I reached yet another level of calm as I realized something.

'This... this is how I can find redemption...'