1 1. Fever
....
After becoming a mother and having children, all I felt was "no one cares about me one bit," true. They all only pay attention to my son. They forgot me. Forget my struggles. Forgetting everything about me as if I never existed and took part in my child's life. They treat my child like gold falling from the sky -- so happy, while me?. I'm like rotting wood that's been thrown away.
I don't hate my son. I also do not hate those who care for my child. I'm actually grateful because they care about my child. But just a little, is there someone who considers me?. Is there someone who cares about me?. Is there someone who wants to give affection, attention, and love for me? Just a little. But I never got it from anyone again. Even my husband doesn't look at me the way he used to--before we had kids.
If it must be defined in one word. I can only say that I am 'envy' of my son.
If only I could go back to my childhood.
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A 30 year old woman was found dead in her apartment house. It is suspected that this woman with the initials CL died of severe depression and eventually committed suicide by ... Read more.
Krick!
Krick!
Krick!
"Hot..."
I felt my body was very hot. My head also hurts. My nose feels weird, but I can smell something even though it's faintly like the scent of a summer night. My hearing can only catch the sound of crickets in silence. My throat is also very dry ... I'm thirsty.
I tried to move my arms, but somehow everything felt very heavy.
"Is this a side effect of the sedative I'm taking huh?" I thought.
I'm still trying. Not only my hands, but now I'm also starting to move my whole body. I want to get up for a bit--sit down and get some water. I guess sleeping too much after taking the medicine is pretty bad as well.
Ugh!.
Geez. Now I really like a paralyzed!. I had trouble moving any part of my body apart from my fingers. Even so, it took me a lot of effort to get it moving.
"What time is it now?"
I tried to open my eyes even though my eyelids felt very heavy to lift as if they were made of iron.
Equivocal. In the dim light in the darkness of the room. I started looking at the clock that was in front of it. With great difficulty, I tried to focus my still blurry vision to see the clock hands and numbers.
"What time is it?, I have to pick up my child..." I can't leave my child with his aunt for too long or I'll bother him.
Every day, because my husband and I are busy with our respective careers. I had to entrust my child to my husband's brother. Every morning I would go and leave my child to him, then after work I would take advantage of a little time to rest at home for a while to just change clothes, sit for a few minutes and take medicine before finally going to pick up my child.
People out there might say "she's having a good time relaxing, but her child is being neglected," or "didn't she leave her child at her aunt's house? Surely she did that on purpose to escape her responsibilities as a mother. I feel sorry for the aunt who took care of the girl. She was just being taken advantage of by that woman!"
To be honest, I don't care what those say who don't know my true condition, but still, things like that can always hurt me. But what can I do. What they looked like on the outside was like that, even though I used the short time before picking him up for the sake of my son--In the short time before picking up my son, I would prepare everything for my son first, including preparations for myself so that I wouldn't have to make an aunt even more troublesome.
Most women who have just had children know how difficult it is to pay attention to themselves again because all of their time is only given to their children, their husbands, and maybe their jobs if they are career women like me. There is no time and place for themselves.
Right. Even people like that--including myself no longer get attention and affection from themselves. Moreover expect it to come from other people?. You must be dreaming. Being an adult means you have to be ready to be a slave to life.
Clack!
In my hearing that has returned to be a little clearer. I heard the sound of a knob turning and the door opening. Then faintly, I heard footsteps approaching me slowly. For some reason, I had the feeling the footsteps sounded very cautious as if he was afraid the sound would disturb me.
"Who?"
From seeing the clock that was still blurry, now I have to turn my attention to the direction of someone's footsteps coming to me.
"Is it my husband who has come home? But, isn't he working late today?"
My mind started to get tangled. I even started guessing that it seemed like I had slept so long that I woke up when my husband got home.
"Ah, No!. This is so bad!. I haven't taken my child!"
I tried hard again to move my bodies. I'm also trying to talk. I want to tell my husband if I haven't picked up our child yet. I was about to explain to him so he wouldn't be mad that I overslept after taking my medicine. But, unfortunately. I couldn't get a word out other than a groan of pain.
My voice is a little weird...
Ah. Right. My throat is so dry and it hurts now that I try to speak.
"I hope my husband realizes my condition..." I hoped with a feeling of pressure.
Even though I had taken my sedatives, but it seemed my anxiety had missed me again so it came back to me. I was really afraid my husband would be angry. Ah. I even forgot to turn off the television. I still remember when I was sitting on the couch while turning on the television because my room was very quiet. More precisely, I feel lonely. So I decided to turn on the television for a bit before I finally fell asleep.
But, I've only heard the sound of crickets. I don't hear the sound of the television anymore. Is it my husband who has turned it off for fear of soaring electricity bills?.
I don't know.
What is certain, I am now in a state of readiness if my husband will ramble because I don't save electricity or because I haven't picked up our child yet. To be honest, I've gotten used to my husband's anger lately. Even when he starts talking about divorce when I'm angry I can handle it and maybe I would have agreed if he said that today. I'm tired ...
Puk!.
Eh?.
I was completely shocked. I could feel the big hand holding my forehead. My husband is not angry?. He just touched my forehead to check my temperature? Does my condition look so bad that he doesn't get angry? Can he really understand my messy condition?.
"You still have a fever, honey. Get some sleep. Don't worry about anything, okay?"
The tone of voice was very reassuring. Very soft even though the sound is heavy. If it must be defined, this sound is like the sound of waves in the ocean.
Is my husband's voice really like this?. Suddenly I felt strange with that voice. Is it because of the effects of the drug that makes my hearing weaken?. Or is it because I haven't heard my husband's voice speaking gently to me like the first time we were married, so I feel strange about this sudden thing?. I don't know which one for sure, but I can confirm that I really feel my husband is very different today.
It feels very comfortable. I can feel his affection for me. So warm as if the morning sun enveloped me who had been shivering from the cold. Ah. If only this feeling could last forever. In case, I have to continue to be sick for the sake of this warmth. I'm willing to continue to be in this bad condition....
Because it's too comfortable. My eyes closed again. I want to enjoy this even though this might just be my imagination or my momentary dream because I know, beautiful things like being given attention, affection, and being so loved like this won't exist in the real world or come true. At least for adults, this is very, very rare. Only children still get it.
Okay. Everything is dark and soon I will definitely wake up from my beautiful dream. Ah. If only I could sleep a little more. I don't want to wake up.
"Oh. Good. The fever is down"
"Hurry and get the doctor!"
"Hurry up!"
What's that noise? Why does it feel like there are a lot of people around me? I tried to open my eyes and miraculously I can see more clearly now. Not like last night. My head doesn't hurt too much anymore, but I have something to tell you honestly. I don't have schizophrenia do I?
Who ... who is this handsome man in front of me?!. Clear. He's not my husband!
I must be still dreaming!
Ah no. Maybe this is the effect of the sedative I took last night?! Am I having hallucinations?
Oh Lord. I don't want to go crazy just yet....
"My Cellia honey, you're awake... thank God! Thank God!" The handsome man showed a happy expression.
"Where's the doctor?!" Said the handsome man again. This time his expression turned quite sinister. It seemed he was angry because his doctor had not yet arrived in front of him.
Ah. Okay. Forget all this madness. I mean. Let's enjoy my sanity which is almost gone because I can see the figure of a perfectly handsome man like a prince right in front of me. And the figure of that handsome prince is now worrying about me....
When else can I be worried about by a prince?.
"Dad. Cellia loves you, Daddy and mommy"
A child's voice suddenly flashed through my ears. Not only that, I could even see things like I was watching a family documentary that was playing fast, and tears came out of my eyes without realizing it.
Apparently this is what parental love feels like?
