1 — Not a Big Deal

Now, Bay didn't think it was a big deal.

In any case, they never really talked to each other. So he left, and he most likely had his reasons. So it's all right. She can simply get on with her life.

But here's the thing— Bay believes it's not a problem, but it's actually the opposite.

Why? At the moment, Bay just assumed it was because he filled a void in her life while he was still present. She thinks he was like a car. When he left, the paint had a scratch on it. She can still use the car, but she'd always notice the scratch, and it's pretty annoying. Or maybe he was one of those TV shows she used to watch over lunch. She wouldn't have anything to watch while eating if the show ended. She can live without those shows, but she would be a bit bored if she didn't watch those twenty-minute programs. So she'd merely eat her lunch silently. But Bay says it doesn't bother her a bit. So she just went about her business.

Yes, "it doesn't bother her", but everyday, she would continue to wait for him. She would wonder if he would change his mind and if he wanted to come back to being her seatmate. But she realized it was a stupid thing to wish for. He was never someone important in her life anyways.

The more you hope, the more disappointed you will be when the opposite happens. Hoping does not create miracles, but some people act as if it does, which frustrates them even more when it does not.

Every time she would wish for him to come back, she'd slap herself, thinking it would help. But she knows it doesn't. Because everyday, she would still go to the convenience store to see if he still buys cat food there, and she would still walk down his block and outside his apartment. She would never confess it, but she did sneak a peek through his window. And she hoped.

But she was disappointed when the building supervisor said that no one lives there anymore. Specifically, she was disappointed in him. She had the audacity to be upset with him for not telling her where he went, as if she was someone close to him, as if she was the one whom he had been with for years.

Why was she so attached to him? No one knows an answer. But Bay was willing to find one.

When she got home, she would search up his name online. Guessing his Facebook name, his Twitter username, even typing his name up on YouTube. She would take guesses, like maybe he was YouTube famous, then he got too famous so he had to focus on making whatever content he made. Or maybe he got deported. Even if he were famous and rich, or a deportee, all she wanted for him to do is to talk to him again. Or not talk, maybe just see if he was okay and well.

So, even when she didn't usually want to, she wandered around the library one last time, because she hoped to see traces of him that stayed in some way.

And in there, she found that book he used to read, or write on. She remembered his head buried in that book, his hands clasped tightly on a pen, how he didn't seem to care about anything else at the time except that book, and how she would sheepishly think that what she was doing was stalking. She wasn't stalking! She was just observing.

So she took the book off the shelf and opened it. And she was surprised that there was nothing written on it. She was left dumbfounded. 'Was he pretending to write on it? Did he know I was watching him? To troll me?' But the questions immediately fell flat when she saw a slip of paper on the book. And without his knowledge, and hers, she opened it.

Water the plants on campus, Arrange the books on…" Wow, this is so boring.

Well it was a to-do list, but it sounded like the chores your mom would give you.

The to-do list only had seven of it checked. Why would he leave his to-do list here? Maybe he just wanted to make a new one. So Bay put back the book on the shelf, but she kept the paper in her pocket, so that she can continue reading it at home. She said to herself that she'd read it as soon as she arrived, but she didn't. So she said she will read it after she finished showering. But she still didn't, so she promised she'll start to read it after eating. And finally, she still didn't.

Then after a long wait, she got that piece of paper and read it after many broken promises.

"Get back my notebook from Jericho, pay back my debt to Ms. Hugh, buy a cactus, give brother a cake for his graduation, tell Marie I'm sorry…" There was a lot written there, it looked like it had more words than that book that he used to hold. Just kidding, but there were really a lot. Bay just assumed that he already did those things and just forgot to check them.

But Bay would stop assuming things anymore if she knew what would happen next.

Because as she finally reached the end of the list, there it wrote,

"I give up."