25 'Breakdowns & Breakthroughs'

Azrael had to get it together. 

He had to get it together because Caspian was right in front of him. 

But with his current realization...it was impossible to remain calm. The reason he has been so complacent despite his body's impending death was because he thought that death was a hundred percent avoidable.

It was avoidable because it was suicide. 

His initial plan was just to not kill himself, and he survives. That's it. As much as he wanted to deny it, and convince himself that it was just a coincidence. He wasn't stupid. 

His vision and Thaddeus' words were proof enough that it wasn't a coincidence. Azrael never planned to hurt himself until Thaddeus, the guidance counselor himself said that he proposed the idea of suicide, not to mention the location of Azrael's room. 

So...was Thaddeus the one who killed Azrael? If so, why? And why was he never mentioned in the novel if he did something so important. Why did the author never specify whether or not Azrael actually died of suicide? 

There was so much more to his death than what was written in the novel and that didn't make sense. 

That aside, he had to take things slow first. His mind was all over the place. What he should be focusing on was who killed Azrael and how did he actually die?

Azrael wracked his brain, trying to recall how the original young prince, allegedly, killed himself.

'Eirian woke up in the novel and he heard noise outside his room which alarmed him. He went out then he saw Adham, other princes, and some professors...right. That's right.' Azrael closed his eyes tightly as he continued to remember. 

'I'm sure he saw Adham shaking and then the headmaster came, he asked what happened then one of the professors announced that Azrael Celestria was dead, and the cause of death was suicide...how did they know it was suicide again?'

Azrael was getting frustrated. He knew the novel by heart, and he literally wrote the novel word per word in his notebook. 

Wait. 

He wrote all of the novel's contents in a notebook!

"Prince Azrael? Do you need me to call Adham? You don't look good."

An audible gasp escaped from Azrael's lips as he felt someone touch his arm lightly. He turned his head abruptly and saw Caspian who was now beside him, looking at him with worried eyes. "Caspian, I—I'm fine." Azrael said breathlessly, his mind was slowly coming together. 

'I'm spiraling again. This can't happen. I need to calm the hell down.' For some reason, the more time Azrael spent in this world, the more prone he was to panic. Perhaps it was because too much information was different from the novel, or maybe because so many things were already happening and the novel hadn't even started yet. 

Whatever it was, his thoughts have been very unstable. 

"Are you sure? You suddenly weren't answering...is there something in your mind? Or, well, there's something obviously in your mind but is it something you can share with me?" Caspian asked as he retracted his hand from Azrael's arm and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. 

"I'm—" His mind was blank. Azrael blinked his eyes as he stared back at Caspian, trying to form an excuse, which again has started to become such a hard task for him. 

"You're?" Caspian was patiently waiting for him to say something, anything and it made Azrael feel bad. He was suddenly acting odd, and instead of questioning him, Caspian was understanding despite the fact that he probably does not understand anything. 

Azrael was strange as fuck but Caspian, Adham, and even Eirian did not seem to mind at all.

Which...was starting to make him feel guilty. 

Lying to them. 

Constantly making excuses. 

And—pretending to be someone else. 

Everything was starting to feel less and less like a novel he had to change, it was hard to explain but all he knew is that the people around him weren't just characters he had to save, they were his friends. 

And Azrael Celestria wasn't just a side character who committed suicide anymore, there was so much more to him. 

The idea of the actual novel not starting yet frightened him. Everything felt too real now, and his initial plans of preparing for Caelum were pushed aside, and he's the main antagonist. 

Caelum.

Caelum...

'....'

'CAELUM!' His mind yelled at him as he wondered why he hadn't thought of it sooner because it was so obvious. Caelum had power over everyone in the academy, he could've easily had Azrael be placed beside Eirian. 

And with his powers, could've influenced Azrael to kill himself or even...

Caelum could have killed the original Azrael himself.

If that's the case then Azrael was fucked because there might be a chance that no matter how much he avoided committing suicide, Caelum might find a way to have him killed to ruin Eirian's reputation further.

Which again, just complicates everything even more. 

Azrael sighs in defeat. "I'm sorry, Caspian." Was all he could mutter out, his eyes trained on the ground. Caspian was definitely even more confused now than before but he didn't know what to say anymore. He had too many complicated thoughts, and he couldn't even think properly. 

"Prince Azrael, why are you apologizing? What is happening? Do you need me to do anything, your highness?"

"I need—" Azrael had to stop himself again because he doesn't know what he needs. 'It's because he doesn't need to do anything. No one can do anything. This is all on me. I'm the one who knows everything. I'm the one who has to do something.' 

'I'm...the only one.'

That was it. That was the answer. He felt alone. Everything was becoming harder and he was alone. There were so many things happening, so much information, and problems kept piling up, but he had no one to turn to. 

"Prince Azrael, you can take your time. I don't exactly know what's happening but...I'm your friend, and I'm worried about you."

'Friend.'

Hearing that made Azrael look up, a surge of emotions went through him as his pink eyes met with Caspian's blue ones. He was alone but he had to keep it together. Azrael had come into terms earlier than the people who were close to him now, even Eirian the protagonist. 

They weren't just characters anymore. They were his friends and both Caspian and Adham also saw him as a friend. Eirian was beginning to involve himself with Azrael.

All he had to think about, at first, was to save them, but now he had to save himself as well. 

Azrael clenched his hands into fists and took deep breaths. This was his second or third time breaking down and panicking. He was ashamed that it keeps happening, and in between conversations with people. 

But it shouldn't be happening. He had to get it together. Panicking would not solve anything, he knew that, but he was frightened. Everything was too real now. He's not only losing his composure, but he was also losing himself. He was starting to forget that he's not Azrael Celestria, he's Zak. He's a reader who has to give this novel an ending. 

He's not Azrael. 

He is not. 

There was no point shaking and quivering because he still has the upper-hand. He isn't as powerless as the real Azrael because he may not have the magical abilities he needed but he had something no other character had...he had knowledge. Though his knowledge might be a bit hazy now, he still had that notebook. 

If Caelum Eversly was involved with the real Azrael's death then all he needed was to find a way to avoid every attempt, and it already started by not doing what Thaddeus said. 

Right. 

Azrael just had to take it one step at a time. One problem at a time. 

"Prince Azrael...?" 

And one thing he should fix is Caspian's worries but he had no idea how to explain himself. Azrael had basically shut himself down in the middle of their conversation that didn't have any triggers whatsoever, well, not that Caspian would know of. 

'Think, think, think, think.' The young prince repeated in his brain. He was usually a good liar, it was the reason he managed to adjust to being Azrael on his first few days, but now lying to his friends just made him feel bad.

Especially seeing how much they trust him and his words. 

'For a place filled with magic, I could really use any sort of magical ability to make myself disappear. That would make things easier.' His eyes widened a bit. 'Hold on, maybe I don't have to lie that much. I have a hundred million problems right now, maybe I can discuss one.'

With that in mind, he took one final deep breath and then spoke. "I'm sorry, Caspian. I had so many things in my mind lately." As soon as he said that, he felt himself cringe because he knew he was already stating the obvious, and he was pretty sure Caspian had pointed it out earlier.

Fortunately for him, Caspian, the absolute angel of a human being, smiles in relief when Azrael finally responded to him normally. "It's fine, Prince Azrael. What's wrong? Can I help?"

His reaction and response just made Azrael feel even more guilty. This was what's making it harder for him to lie but right now he wasn't technically lying when he says. "Yes, you can actually." He forces a small smile. "I've been...worried. My brother, you know how he's exceptional..."

"The crown prince? Yes. I've heard of his achievements."

Azrael nods. "The Academic Olympiad starts a few weeks from now, and actually, I haven't told anyone this much but I'm quite weak when it comes to magic. I haven't even properly used my abilities at all..."

"Oh." Caspian's eyes grew a bit in surprise. "I didn't know that, Prince Azrael. What can I do to help?"

"Well...I was thinking." Azrael adjusted his glasses with his finger then ran a hand through his hair. "Yesterday, when you used your abilities. You seem to have good control of it. I was wondering if you could teach me how to get good control of my magical abilities."

"Oh." Caspian repeats. He seemed to be taken aback by Azrael's request, but it didn't seem bad. "Oh! That's alright with me, but are you sure you want me to teach you, Prince Azrael? I'm—cough—not really the best. I'm sure there are many stronger people in our class that could help."

Azrael sighed in relief that Caspian did not seem to question him, but then again, when did Caspian or Adham even question him? 

"I'm sure. Besides, don't act so coy. You're probably the most talented one in our class right now."

That was true. As far as he recalls, Caspian Aquarise was the most talented first year mage, while Adham Lambert was the strongest knight. They just don't know it yet. 

Out of everyone, Caspian was the best choice to teach him. He had his hesitations at first because he was worried that Caspian might find him suspicious for not knowing how to use his own abilities but his endeavor with Eirian last night taught him that he worried too much over trivial things.

And Caspian calling them friends earlier made him realize that he can't shoulder everything, or...at the very least, not the small things, and no matter how weak Azrael Celestria's abilities are; they could still prove useful with defending himself from some attempts on his life. 

Right. 

Yes. 

Caspian's nose turned slightly pink along with his cheeks, he turned away slightly as he fiddled with his fingers. "Alright, Prince Azrael. The training room is closed today but as far as I recall we have some free time during our Magical Theory and Philosophy class tomorrow. We can start a bit there."

"That sounds like a plan."

Not really. It was barely a plan, but it was a start. What he needed to prepare for was meeting Thaddeus again but before that he needed to gather as much information about him as he can. 

But...how?

"Your highness, I have returned. Today's snack is a Cocoa Slug Sachertorte."

Lightbulb. 

'Adham!'

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Another day had passed, and it was officially another Weekday for Azrael. After his realization that he could ask Adham for assistance with getting to know more about Thaddeus, he hesitated and decided that he should think about it more before asking his student servant. 

After all, it was quite a random request, but it wasn't impossible to do. 

Azrael revisited his notebook last night to recall the information that he could not remember. One of those things was the fact that student servants had access to information about academy staff and nobles. 

The reason for that was so student servants can brief their masters about their classes, professors, and fellow students. Caelum used his student servant to gather information about people he wanted to use and people he wanted to destroy. His student servant was one of the few people who knew he wasn't as good as he was perceived. 

And he was one of the few people who supported Caelum's plans even after it was revealed that he was the dark magic user. 'He was never named in the novel but he's a piece of work.' which is why he was surprised to see how meekly Caelum's student servant acted when he first saw him. 1

Another thing he recalled was that the nature of the original Azrael's so-called 'suicide.' The young prince, according to the novel, was discovered in his room with multiple lacerations on his wrists. Azrael felt a chill go down his spine as the graphic description brought home how serious the predicament he was in now.

If Azrael did not commit suicide, then he was brutally murdered in his own room without anyone knowing, and whoever it was must have been someone he trusted enough to let inside his room. 

That thought was scary but he did not want to dwell into it further in fear of having another panic attack. He decided to take things slow, which again, goes back to knowing more about the person who told him to hurt himself and planned the whole 'pretend suicide.' 

At the moment, Azrael, Adham, and Caspian made their way through the halls of Luminara Academy after finishing their lunch, Azrael's mind was consumed with thoughts about his next steps. He was so lost in his contemplation that he barely noticed Adham's voice calling out to him, pulling him away from his reverie.

"Your highness," Adham suddenly spoke, his tone gentle but tinged with a hint of concern. "Today's going to be the first day I won't be with you and Prince Caspian during Magical Theory and Philosophy onwards."

Azrael blinked, the words sinking in slowly as he processed them. "Ah." 

'He's still worrying about leaving me alone.' The young prince could not help but smile lightly. "Don't worry too much about me, Adham. Focus on doing your best to impress your instructors. I can fare a few hours alone....well, technically I'm not alone. I have Caspian. Right, Caspian?"

Caspian seemed like he was about to respond, also with a smile but something caught his eye that made him stop. This did not go unnoticed by Azrael and Adham. 

"What's wrong, Caspian?"

"Isn't that the crown prince and...the saint," Caspian murmured, his voice barely audible but enough for them to hear. 

Azrael's heart skipped a beat as he followed Caspian's gaze, his eyes widening as he spotted Valerian and Caelum walking in their direction. Valerian's glare was unmistakable, his annoyance evident, while Caelum wore a smirk that spoke volumes.

'I can't believe I'm seeing Valerian AGAIN. It is way too soon...and with Caelum too.'

Fear and anger surged within Azrael as he realized they had been noticed. Students around them watched intently, sensing the tension in the air. But Azrael was determined not to play into their hands today.

He already had a lot to deal with, and he was not ready to handle more. 

As Adham and Caspian stopped to bow towards Valerian and Caelum, assuming Azrael would want to engage with his brother, Azrael's resolve hardened. Instead of approaching them with deference, he bowed his head coldly and offered a curt greeting.

"Greetings, Caelum, Valerian," he said, his voice devoid of warmth or respect. Then, without waiting for a response, he gestured for Adham and Caspian to continue following him.

"Come now," he said, his tone commanding as he turned and walked away, leaving behind a stunned silence in his wake.

Adham and Caspian exchanged bewildered glances before hurrying to catch up with Azrael, who marched forward with purpose. Despite the weight of the situation, a flicker of determination burned in his eyes.

'I will do whatever it takes to keep myself alive and see the end of this story. Even if it means that I have to break character.'

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Academy Olympiad concept photo: Caspian