She’s In The Rain

"It's better to be held than holding on."

".."

Deep into the night, Hayley sat in her bedroom, with the lights off aside from the bedside one, absently twirling a glass of bourbon in her hands.

Though she often joked about it, she wasn't one to drink much. She rarely indulged in alcohol but the thought of what would have been tomorrow made her crack one of Sheila's bottles open.

Her eyes had been glued on a familiar picture for hours now. One taken three years prior, probably the time when she was the happiest. Truly and simply happy. A time where she didn't need to worry about money. A time where only her and the woman she considered her only family mattered.

".. hah .." Hayley lifted the glass, cheering in front of the unmoving flame with a morose smile. "Happy birthday, Marmee. I hope you're happy wherever you are ..." The bourbon burned her throat as she threw the glass back but it didn't matter. At least she was feeling something.

".."

The next morning, Hayley entered the kitchen, startled by Bonnie's presence on one of the sitting stools. Sheila was cooking - or trying to -, which was also unusual since the witch would not even be awake at this hour.

"Morning Gram's," Hayley kissed the older woman's temple before she went to sit next to Bonnie. "Hey, Bon'," she gave her friend a side hug. "Weren't you supposed to spend the week at your dad's?"

Bonnie cleared her throat, fidgeting. "I was, but..." she shared a look with Sheila before eyeing Hayley. "How are you doing?"

Hayley looked between the pair, catching on to this whole scene. "I'm fine," she rolled her eyes. Sure, she had been a bit of a grinch this week but she's warned them all that she needed to be left alone. "You," she pointed at Sheila. "Stop cooking, it doesn't suit you and Gram's ... you're burning the bacon and you," she turned to Bonnie. "Stop hovering! I'm really fine."

Bonnie looked dubious at her words and Sheila turned off the stove, leaning on the kitchen island. "Honey, it's okay not be okay, you know. Especially today."

"Because it's her birthday, right?" Hayley quietly questioned, saying what they were both too afraid to say. "Because today, Marmee should've been here to celebrate spending six decades on this earth, right?" She stood up, taking the spatula from Sheila's hand and turning the stove back on. "Well, she's not. She'll never come back but I'm here, and I'm fine. And this conversation is over."

Turning her back to them, Hayley continued to cook the breakfast Sheila had attempted. While her back remained tall and strong, the pair missed the lost look in the hybrid's eyes.

".."

"Hey, you okay?"

Hayley mentally groaned at Elena's voice and for once, it wasn't because it grated on her eardrums.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Nonchalantly, Hayley returned the question while looking over the cheerleaders' charts.

She'd gone through the motions for the whole morning - the whole week really - but the only thing that required her to be mentally present and alert was the squad. It kept her focused on anything other than the crushing grief she was trying so hard to hide. Which was an added bonus.

Hayley was fine most days. She really was. She powered through life, loved life even. But on days like this, days where Marmee's memory was almost oppressing, she wasn't. And she needed to be left alone to handle her own emotions.

Elena placed a comforting hand on her shoulders, a small smile gracing her features. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

It took everything in Hayley's power not to snap. She didn't need the pity she was seeing in the brunette's eyes. People died everyday. Everybody handled it differently. End of story.

"I know," Hayley mustered a calm smile, removing Elena's hand before she waved the chart in her hand. "but I'm fine, don't worry. And I have a routine to evaluate so back to your place, missus!" She lightly hit Elena's arm, shooing her away.

After the doppelgänger walked away, Hayley closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath to center herself. When she opened them, she saw Tyler looking at her with a funny look on his face. Hayley stared back at him, an eyebrow raised, not backing down from the staring contest.

"Oh, please come at me, Lockwood," she muttered under her breath. "Give me a reason to claw your eyes out."

Unfortunately, before either of them could do anything, Matt appeared in front of Tyler, breaking whatever it was they were doing.

Pity.

Hayley turned her head towards the squad and clapped her hands to gather the girls together. Today, she was the only captain on deck since Caroline was busy with helping Mrs. Lockwood organize a founders' dance. She almost felt bad for the squad. Almost. Without Caroline's usual funny remarks and communication skills, the girls were left with the drill sergent today.

And they were in for a treat.

".."

A few hours later, Hayley, bathed and changed, walked down the school hallways. Her mood was a bit lifted from torturing the cheer squad for a couple of hours. Bonnie and Elena probably hated her now, and she was almost certain one of the girls muttered 'general bitch' when she walked by.

Ah - the joys of high school.

Since classes were over, Hayley hurried to her car, swiftly getting inside. She had promised to help Caroline with the organization of the dance and though what she usually enjoyed pained her today, she needed the distraction.

Not even twenty minutes later, she was parking in front of the Lockwood's Mansion, already hearing Caroline - outside - and Mrs. Lockwood - inside - working in tandem to torture the workers.

"That vase costs more than my life," Caroline was hollering at one of the volunteers. "Break that and I'll break your neck!"

"Nice," Hayley chuckled, alerting the blonde of her presence.

"You're here! Finally, someone who knows what they're doing!" Caroline exclaimed before she narrowed her eyes at Hayley. "I heard you were a drill sergent at practice today."

"I'm always a drill sergent," Hayley countered with an innocent expression, taking the list for the dance from the blonde's hands.

Caroline snorted. "Yes, but you're never a bitch to the girls."

"Let it go, Care," Hayley gave a shake of her head. "I'm here, and I'm ready to put my drill sergent abilities to use. So use me."

Caroline crossed her arms, showing her intention of not letting go of the conversation. "Elena and Bonnie have been calling me all morning. We're all worried for you, Hayls."

"Elena and Bonnie should mind their own damn business," Hayley retorted, clenching her jaw. "Can we move on, already?"

An engine sounded behind Hayley, an ominous feeling hitting her gut when she saw Caroline's eyes flicker past her. "No, we can't." When Hayley turned around, she huffed in frustration at seeing Elena and Bonnie climb out of the Bennett's car. "We're your best friends, Hayls," the blonde beside her softly said. "We're not going to let go."

"I'm not doing this." Hayley ignored her words, ignored the other girls and promptly entered the Lockwoods house to look for its owner. "Hey, Mrs. Lockwood," the woman wasn't hard to find since she was just as vocally bossy as Caroline.

The older woman turned away from the ballroom, smiling at Hayley before bringing her in for a hug. "Hayley, how are you, honey? And I told you to call me Carol."

Hayley gave her nth fake smile of the day. "I'm fine, Carol." She lied. "So, how should I help?"

She wanted to get busy as soon as possible so she wouldn't explode on her friends. And although Mrs. Lockwood was always trying to bring her back together with Tyler, right now, she would take the woman's meddling over whatever the girls wanted to say.

".."

"Take those outside, Carol will know what to do with them," Hayley ordered a young volunteer. "And can somebody find me the damn menu already?" She snapped before she turned around to continue arranging the flowers like the Lockwood matriarch wanted them.

"Hey guys, can you leave us for a second, please?" Caroline asked from the entrance, Bonnie and Elena right behind her.

As there were only two volunteers left in the ballroom where Hayley had been cooped for an hour now, they quickly scattered out. They were only Freshmen so that was probably why they cowered away from Caroline's stern look.

Hayley lifted her eyes to the sky. "Oh, lord, give me strength." She turned back around in time to see Elena closing the big doors to the ballroom, leaving only the four of them inside. "What do you want? I'm busy."

"You're not busy, you're deflecting," Bonnie countered. "You've been pissy the whole week, Hayls and it's understandable but it stops now."

Hayley lifted an eyebrow at the words. "Oh, really?"

"We're not trying to fight," Elena lifted her hands as a sign of peace. "We're just trying to help our best friend here."

Hayley snorted and turned to Caroline. "And you? What do you have to add to this little intervention?" The anger was now evident in her voice but the blonde didn't back down.

"You miss Marmee," Caroline said, making Hayley flinch at the name. "I get it. But you need to get it too. Go ahead and yell and cry, but do something other than closing yourself off!"

"You need to let these feelings out, Hayls," Bonnie softly pleaded. "We're really worried about you."

"I'm fi-"

Before Hayley could finish, Elena cut her off. "You're not fine for god's sake! and you've said that word so many times I don't even know what it means anymore! You are not fine, Hayls."

"I AM," Hayley yelled, the crushing pain in her voice bringing silence upon the whole room. "I woke up everyday of this week with a smile on my face. I went to classes like usual, I went out with you guys, I finished reviewing the cheer routine, I even went out on a date dammit," Hayley's voice cracked. "This is the only day where I ask to be left alone. The only day where I'll allow the weight of Marmee's death to nearly crush me. But I don't. I am coping. And I may be a bitch about it but I'm always there for you guys so I don't understand why you can't just leave me ALONE." Her breathing erratical, Hayley looked at the three girls in front of her through tears that wouldn't fall. "I'm coping, okay? I'm doing the best I can to not lose it so shut up and help me decorate this freakishly large room." Hayley turned back around, her breath hitching from the outburst before she busied herself with the flowers once more. "And if you can't do that for me, get out."

Hayley didn't do emotions. She didn't do heart to hearts, especially after Marmee's death. She needed to protect her own heart and this small breakdown was the only thing these girls would ever get from her.

After a few beats of silence, Caroline walked up to her and silently took a rose, placing it in her small bouquet. Next thing she knew, Bonnie was at her other side, also placing a flower in her bouquet while Caroline made room for Elena. The doppelgänger followed suit and gently placed a lily in the flower arrangement.

Heaving a small sigh of relief they weren't pursuing their stupid intervention, Hayley quietly breathed out a "Thank you."

This was the only day she gave herself. Marmee's birthday. Today, she was just a girl that lost her only family way too early.

Tomorrow, she'd go back to being the strong badass that she was, setting traps up and taking names; back to being the sassy, feisty girl her friends needed her to be. But today, she just ... wanted to be. Grief and all.