38 - Drafts

Maisey had hardly seen Brett for two weeks, except when he came in for a shower and bed. He had not asked or had to be asked, he fell into bed with her every night and was gone before she was awake every morning. Addie and Anna had been her almost constant companions: helping her to work her muscles and build up strength so that she could move about on her own. She never went far but it was a relief to be able to walk around the house on her own. Henry stayed near the house unless he was sent to fetch Brett or Travis or Tony. The three men were who they trained the dog to fetch: Maisey would have to fake falling and would send the dog for one of the men and they were great about following the dog back to the house even though they knew it was training.

Travis had one of the hands take down the backdoor and replace it with a bright blue door that was built to have a dog door big enough for Henry to go in and out. It had made things a lot easier. Maisey had also had the dog go with Travis or one of the hands to ride fences, teaching the young dog the boundaries of the property.

"Hey Doc," Maisey was on the back porch when Andy pulled up shortly before lunch on Wednesday. "Brett's expecting you out at West Ridge I think."

Andy grinned, "I thought I'd come see my human patient before I go see the animal ones." Maisey chuckled, "You seem to be doing better."

Maisey sobered, "I have good days and bad," she didn't mind telling Andy, "night time is the worst, but Brett's always makes sure I'm not alone." Andy leaned on the porch rail, "I'll never get over it," she told him, "I hoped that once I felt like I could move on with my life that I could think about kids and a family, but that's gone now." Andy noticed her eyes still hadn't regained their brightness, "I've lost so much, but Brett's showing me every day that there's more to a person than their past. He doesn't care that there are scars deeper than the ones he can see, and he doesn't push me more than I can handle."

"Are you still having panic attacks?" Andy knew she hadn't told Brett about them.

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "The medication seems to be helping," she hated being on it, but didn't fight Andy when he told her to use them. "So is the writing," she admitted. "I used to write whenever Luke was gone, it was my way of escaping it all, I started writing it all down: what happened and how I felt and how I feel now--I'm afraid to publish it." Andy waited for her to explain, "All of the writing was done on a website where you can publish stories, there's something like 400 chapters sitting drafted between the various things I've written."

"Why don't you want to publish it?" he prompted.

"I don't know that I want to read the comments." She admitted, "Or if it would get read. Or if it's too personal. Or if it's even any good." Her fingers brushed the closed laptop beside her, "Some of it is so raw and emotional."

"Well if writing it is helping that's the important part," Andy told her, "When you're ready to share your story with the world at least you have a way to." He didn't tell her it was amazing that she had even considered it.

"I reached out to my therapist yesterday," she admitted, "We're going to do some online sessions next week."

"Great," Andy nodded, elated inside, "does Brett know?"

She shook her head, "I want to, it might get bad again after our sessions, he's just been so busy with West Ridge and meetings with the contractors, I don't want to give him something else to worry about, he's barely got enough left to give to Travis and the crew."

"I think you need to tell him," Andy agreed, "Those sessions could trigger a major attack. Would you be okay with me asking Anna to come out after your sessions for the first little while so that we can make sure that if you need someone here you have someone without feeling like you're pulling Brett away from something he needs to deal with?" Maisey nodded. "This is all good progress," Andy told her with a smile, "Now let's see you get up and move around."

Andy spent another ten minutes checking her previous wounds and getting her to do different mobility tests before heading off to check the steers that were out at West Ridge. He noted as he got back in the cab of his truck that she had opened her computer back up and was staring at the screen.

Maisey starred at the drafts of her writing: the one she'd written about warriors and monsters had been her escape--a story of something whimsical, dark and magically; another was a story of survival--her story. She stared at them again, wondering if she should publish them, wondering if someone would read it and know that it was real, if they would guess how damaged she was. She imagined all the positive and negative things that could be said and closed the laptop.

She starred out at the garden, Travis had set one of the men to layering sawdust and compost so that it would be ready for winter. She was grateful for the support this group of men and women had given her during her trials and recovery--it amazed her that they had done it. After living with Luke and living with his abuse she never imagined that she would find anyone any different. She hoped that she could show her gratitude one day.

"Hey pretty lady," Brett came up behind her, having come through the house, "Whatcha doing?"

She looked over at him with a sad smile, "Andy was just here for a check up," she told him, "He just headed to West Ridge."

"Yeah, I left just after he got there: never could watch him check prostates, it hits a little too close to home." He shuddered, "thought I'd come by before I head into town and see if you need anything."

"I'm okay," she told him and thought of her conversation with Andy, "Doc said I need to tell you that I will be meeting with my therapist starting next week, we're going to do them online. Anna will come look in on me after the meetings to make sure I'm okay."

"That's a good thing isn't it?" he asked, "that you're ready to talk to someone."

"I talk to you," she retorted.

"Right, because I'm here for such lengthy conversations," he shot back playfully, "besides, a therapist can help you with the stuff I can't."

"You're keeping the nightmares at bay," she said softly, "I've been managing the rest."

"And doing an amazing job," he told her, "but what happens when I have to be away overnight or if I get called out to deal with an emergency? Wouldn't you like to know you'll be okay without me?"

She sighed, "That's the same argument I had with myself." she admitted, "Can I come along into town for the ride?" she asked.

Brett was surprised but immediately agreed. Henry rose when Maisey did and followed her to the truck, jumping in and sitting in the middle of the seat with his head down on Maisey's lap. She didn't say anything as they drove, just stared out the window and rested her forehead on the closed glass. As they got to town he saw her take calming breaths and start petting Henry. He went to the feedlot first. Henry, who usually went to greet Jonas and Lucas, remained with his head on Maisey's lap. With a shrug Brett greeted the men and waited while they loaded supplies into the back end of the truck. Maisey waved as they pulled away.

He needed to stop at the grocery store for a few things but hesitated, "It's okay," she told him, "Henry will stay with me, go get food before you starve."

Deciding that if she could joke about it that she would be okay, Brett left her in the truck. He didn't see her close her eyes and put her head back on the headrest. He didn't see Henry get up on her lap to nudge her hand and he didn't see her grip her hands into the seat as a panic attack washed over her. Gasping breaths and fat tears were Henry's deciding factor: he jumped out Brett's open window and took the dog sniffing the ground to find the safe human. Henry raced into the grocery store and barked: the humans' always knew what that meant. Strange humans were around him and he dodged them, looking for the right one. Brett whistled and the dog came around to where the cash register was, Brett dropped his purchases and bolted out the front door knowing that Henry would not have left Maisey if it hadn't been important, his phone was out as soon as he had heard Henry's bark: Anna was on her way since Andy was at West Ridge.

Brett opened Maisey's door carefully but didn't lift her out, he could see the tears and hear her breathing: he hadn't witnessed one of her attacks but Andy had told him what to expect. Anna was there a minute later: "where's her pills?" she demanded.

"What pills?" Brett demanded.

Anna swore, "Go tell Gary I said to give you two Ativan for Maisey," she spoke soothingly to her friend, rubbing her hands and waiting. There wasn't much that could be done for a panic attack: the Ativan would help but mostly it was just monitoring to make sure that she continued to breath and didn't pass out. Brett handed her the medication and Anna coaxed Maisey into taking it. "Don't ever let her go out without her pills," she told Brett. It was long moments before Maisey's breathing slowed and her grip relaxed.

"Good dog, Henry," she whispered, "Brett can we go home, I need to lay down." Anna nodded after checking her again, Maisey was still having gasping breathing but she would be okay if Brett got her into her own space.

"I'll get Andy to come by and check her again when he's done with the steers but really she just needs to sleep now."

Brett nodded, pet the dog and forgetting the groceries he drove home. He carried Maisey in despite her protests, and laid her on the bed. She continued to breath easier as they drove: a sign the medication was taking effect. He took her shoes and brought her some water and a treat for Henry.

His phone rang, "Brett, do you need any other groceries?" Lois called, "Addie said she's coming out there in an hour, she'll bring anything you need, you can settle up later."

"Sorry, Lois, I completely forgot about them." Brett ran fingers through his hair as he paced the kitchen. The grocer ran him through what he'd set down and he listed a few other items he still needed and thanked her.

"My oldest boy has anxiety attacks," Lois told him, "When one comes on everything else goes out of your head. We'll keep it all until Addie's ready to go. I'll put in a few of Maisey's favorites too. You are doing a great job looking after that sweet girl and managing the ranch, you just let us do what we can to help you out."

"Thanks Lois." he smiled as he hung up the phone, "So..." he hovered over Maisey, "What's this about panic attacks and medication?

Maisey flushed, "That's the first one I've had in a while," she admitted, "Andy gave me Ativan, I take them when I'm going to do something that gives me anxiety to stop that all from happening."

"How often?"

"Before dinner," she admitted, "I should have taken one before we went to town and usually if you're going to be out later than 10." Brett was surprised, "It's something I have to do in order to keep myself sane, I didn't want you to have one more thing to worry about." She told him, "apparently that was a bad idea." she pet Henry, "I shouldn't have told you that I was okay."

"No," his tone was hard, "you shouldn't have. If Henry hadn't been with you we'd have been in trouble." He met and held her eyes, "Is there anything else?" Maisey shook her head, "Please don't keep things from me." he plead, "I can't help you if you don't tell me everything."

Maisey asked him to bring her computer in before he went back to work, insisting she was going to nap. After he left she stared at the drafts for a long moment before she fell asleep.