Chapter One

The alarm clock went out and I reached over to silence it before bring my hand back to the bed. I stared up at the ceiling in silence as I thought over rather or not to get out of bed. I hadn't gotten any sleep but that was nothing new. I rarely got enough sleep these past few weeks and I didn't complain about it. Whenever I fell asleep I was greeted with nothing but horror and pain just to wake up to pain and loneliness.

I turned my head to the right and stared at the perfectly made side of the bed. There wasn't a dent in the pillow or a wrinkle in the covers on that side. It was just as perfect as it had been for weeks. I remembered when it wasn't perfect and hair used to be fanned out over the pillow and the cover would be shielding a body. A body that would no longer be next to me when I laid in bed and I could never open my eyes and see that body again.

I sighed as I felt a tear slide out my left out and brought my hand up to wipe it away. I sat up in the bed and pushed the cover off my waist. I let my feet settle against the floor and the coldness from the hardwood floors sent a shiver through my body. I let my hands grip the edge of the bed as I worked up the energy to stand up and go to the bathroom. The urge to just lay back in bed poked at my mind but I didn't want to lay there and be reminded of it all over again.

I sighed and pushed up off the bed and stood up. It felt like my body was led as I shuffled towards the attached bathroom. The lights automatically turned on and I didn't flinch from the brightness. I glanced at the sinks and just stared at the first sink as different products surrounded it. There was even a hair tie that had been there for weeks and I didn't dare touch it. I didn't touch anything in hopes that they would come back and put it all back themselves.

I shuffled to the second sink and looked in the bathroom mirror at myself. There were bags under my eyes and my skin was getting a greyish look to it. My hair was probably the only presentable thing on me and that was because it never acted up. My black shirt had a stain on it but I couldn't remember from what and my grey sweats had a hole in them on the thigh. I had got it caught on the corner of the table two nights prior.

Just smile at yourself and maybe you'll feel better, I told myself, and as I tried to get my face to form a smile all it looked like was my face twitching before settling back into the blank look. I mean, it was better than me walking around frowning or crying every three seconds. I think I had outgrown that stage though and now I was used to the pain so I didn't cry every three seconds nor frown often. My face just carried that blank, dead inside look and there wasn't anything I could do about it or anything for that matter.

I sighed and turned on the tap water as I slowly reached for my toothbrush. I squeezed some toothpaste onto it and wet it before sticking it into my mouth. Brushing my teeth felt like a chore and it seemed like my body insisted on doing it as slow as possible. It seemed like it took ten minutes to finish and by the time I was done I had no energy to wash my face. So I just turned off the water and left out the bathroom, not glancing at the first sink this time.

I stopped and stared at the bed and remembered how sometimes when I came out of the bathroom she would be sitting up in bed and smiling at me with her bed hair. She had stopped wearing a bonnet to sleep after we opted for silk pillowcases and while she put her hair up and tied down her edges her hair still manage to have a mind of its own in the morning. I missed seeing her sleepy smile as I watched her from the bathroom entrance.

I sighed and blinked away the tears before walking out of my room and down the short hallway before reaching the front. We lived in a two-bedroom condo and one of the bedrooms we had turned into our office since I worked from home and she often brought work home. The front of the condo had the kitchen to the left, the living room to the right, and a nice size dining area to the upper left, next to the kitchen.

She had picked the place and said even though it wasn't the biggest it was just enough for us two. We had thought about getting a pet for the condo but before we could sort that all out she was gone and there was no talk of pets anymore. I shuffled towards the kitchen and opened the fridge and stared at the contents inside. Most of the food had slowly been fading away and some food was old but I didn't have the energy to throw them out.

"Zaine, make sure to throw the milk away on your way out! Bye!" The door slammed shut.

I turned around and stared at the front door as the sound of the door slamming echoed in my mind and my eyes searched around to see if anything had changed but it hadn't. Everything was still the exact same way, down to her shoes stacked against the wall but her keys were missing above on the hook. I stared at the spot missing her keys and found myself willing them to be back there.

"Zaine, baby, your phone is ringing like crazy. It must be work so stop procrastinating and answer it!" She said from my side as her hand grazed my back.

I snapped my head to the side and the only thing next to me was air and the sensation of her hand touching my back lingered. I could hear the sound of my phone ringing and I turned to see it sitting on the coffee table in between the couch and tv. I stared at it as it lit up and then went black before lighting up again. The sound of the fridge letting out a warning beep had me turning around to close the fridge. I shuffled over to the coffee table and bent down to pick up my phone and watched as it rang.

My phone went silent again and I saw how many missed calls I had. It was from her sister but I wasn't in the mood to speak to her. I wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone so when my phone sounded again I switched it to mute and dropped it back on the coffee table with a loud bang. I sighed and let myself fall into the couch across from the table.

I laid down on my side and curled into a ball as I stared at my phone. It vibrated against the wooden table as it lit up before stopping a few minutes later. I watched as this repeated a couple more times before it seemed that her sister had given up. I hadn't answered a call from her in three weeks and I hadn't answered a call from their mom in over a month. I think the last time I talked to her family was the week of the funeral.

It wasn't a cold or rainy day like in the movies when they went to bury someone. It was actually sunny out and despite how hot it was I was still in a black suit as I stared at the coffin. I could hear her family behind me talking and crying and my friends doing the same as I stared at the coffin. I could only stare as tears ran down my face and the gravediggers started to lower her into the ground and farther away from me.

Apart of me wanted to just fall into the ground with her and tell them to bury me alive. I wanted to scream at them to stop and to bring her back up because this was all a mistake and that my baby wasn't really dead. I wanted her to tap me on the shoulder and I turn around and see her standing there with a smile on her face and her curls brushed into a slick back ponytail. I wished it was me inside the ground and not her. It wasn't fair.

A hand touched my shoulder, "Zaine, I'll drive you home."

I turned around to look at Mr. Brown and nodded as he squeezed my shoulder and guided me away from her. It took everything in me not to turn around and rush back and break down screaming for Elaine to come back to me, but I didn't do that. I just allowed her father to take me back to our place.

I remember saying goodbye to him and making it up to our condo and shutting the door and sliding to the floor. I think I stayed there for four days before I hobbled to the kitchen for water and wine. I remembered being cuddled up on the kitchen floor with water and wine being the only things I could hold close to me as my body shook in agony from the pain my heart was experiencing and my head throbbed from crying.

I felt tears running down my face and I just stared out and let them run down my face and soaked the couch beneath me. I didn't have the energy to stop them or the energy to wipe them away so I just breathed as they continued to fall freely.