Thought about suicide (1)

Have you ever thought about suicide? Not only about committing it but also about the concept, the reason, the aftermath.

I feel that being a suicidal person is like being a death convict. The only difference is that you have all the roles.

Being the judge, the executioner and the victim, all of them at the same time. It's strange isn't it? You're really those roles, you even are the witness. All those roles, they all have their thoughts about the sentence, the judge think it's necessary, the executioner do the necessary and the victim always have the little bit of unwillingness. The witness, well, he witness.

I think you pass through all of those role but not at the same time. Well until the final moment.

The feelings are also strange I think, I feel angered, sad, afraid, but also free, calm. But the strongest feeling is without a doubt the feeling of guilt, the guilt comes from the fact that I will create sadness, my family, my friends, they don't deserve this. The thing is I also feel ashamed, I find ridiculous that after all of what I went through my reason for forfeiting my life are so... simple.

The saddest thing is maybe the fact that I feel ridiculous for wanting to die and I don't want to disappoint others is the only reason I didn't already kill myself. There are no other reason, no hope, not love, only this reason.

Well maybe the other reason is I don't want to give up on people, I don't want them to feel abandoned or alone like I felt in a good part of my life, maybe in my whole life.

I don't think I ever felt the warmth of other, I don't say they never gave me warmth but I feel I never received it, I always felt cold, unsafe.

I don't think suicide is the only solution, I don't think it's a good solution in fact. Maybe I'll write later why I can only think about this one.