This is a Hell of a World

Who am I?

***

As he gets home after getting fired, Nozomu silently prepares to go to bed. Then, he looks himself at the mirror.

***

He was born in a small town far away from Tokyo. His parents were both doctors who worked for the government. They had no children before him but they decided to have one after they got married. The day he was born, he was given a name that meant 'hope' in Japanese. He grew up in a normal family. He went to school, played baseball, and did everything a kid should do. But when he turned twelve, he started having strange dreams about a girl named Kiyori. She was beautiful and kindhearted. It felt as if she was trying to tell him something important. And then, when he turned thirteen, those dreams became reality. One day, he saw her on the street. She looked exactly the same as how he imagined her. She smiled at him and told him that she would always be there for him. From that moment on, he started seeing her every single day. Every time he saw her, she gave him a new message. She said that he needed to go back to where he came from. That he wasn't supposed to stay here. That he was special. She also told him that he could never fall in love with anyone else. But she was wrong.

Then, when he turned fourteen, he met another girl. Her name was Yoko. She was a year older than him and she lived next door. She was very cute and friendly. She invited him over to play games and watch movies. She seemed to be interested in him. At first, he thought it was just because she liked playing with him. But soon enough, he realized that she actually cared about him. When he asked her why, she told him that he was different. She said that he was special. She even told him that he was going to save everyone. And so, he fell in love with her.

But things changed once he turned fifteen. One day, he found out that Yoko's father died in an accident. He tried to comfort her by telling her that he loved her. But she didn't want to hear any of it. She told him that she hated him and that she wished he would disappear. He couldn't understand what happened. Why did she hate him so much? Wasn't he the only person who ever treated her kindly? So, he left her house and moved into his own apartment. But now, all of his friends were gone too. Everyone except for Kiyori. She was still there for him. She showed up whenever he needed her. She helped him through tough times and she made sure he ate right. Soon, he learned that she was a ghost. She was dead but she refused to leave him. Instead, she stayed with him until he graduated high school.

Nozomu finished high school and enrolled in college. He was happy that he finally had some real friends. They were a bunch of nerdy guys who loved anime and video games. They were fun to hang out with and they accepted him without question. But then, one night, he had a dream. In the dream, he was walking down a dark alleyway. There was a man standing in front of him. The man was wearing a black hooded robe. He told Nozomu that he was going to kill him. "You're not safe anymore."

Nozomu woke up terrified. He knew that the man in the dream was someone he used to know. Someone who was supposed to die years ago. But now, he was alive again. And he wanted Nozomu dead.

Nozomu went to see his doctor. He explained to him what was happening. The doctor was shocked. He told Nozomu that he shouldn't worry. He said that it was probably just a nightmare. But Nozomu didn't believe him. He knew that it was real. And so, he took matters into his own hands. He stole a gun from his dad's desk and he waited for the man to show up. Sure enough, two days later, he saw the man coming towards him. He shot him twice. But he kept shooting until he ran out of bullets.

Nozomu felt relieved. He killed the man. And so, he decided to move out of his house. He bought a small apartment and he spent most of his time there. He stopped talking to people. He stopped eating. He stopped sleeping. He just sat in his room all day long. He didn't even look at himself in the mirror. He didn't want to see the face of a killer.

One day, he received a letter from his mother. She wrote that she was worried about him. She asked him to come home. She said that she missed him. Nozomu ignored the letter. He didn't care about anything anymore. All he wanted was to forget.

Then, one day, he got a call from his friend. He told him that he heard that Nozomu had been acting weird lately. He said that he looked sick and that he barely spoke. Nozomu hung up on him. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

Then, one day, he got a call from his sister. She told him that their mom was dying. He immediately rushed home. When he arrived, he saw his mother lying on the floor. She was pale and she was breathing heavily. She was covered in sweat. She opened her eyes and looked at him. Then, she whispered something.

"I'm sorry."

She closed her eyes and passed away.

Nozomu was devastated. He felt like he let her down. He promised himself that he wouldn't cry. He wouldn't feel sad. He would keep living his life as if nothing had happened.

But then, he started to think about Kiyori. He wondered what she would say if she saw him now. He hoped that she could help him get over this. He prayed to her that she would appear before him.

And then, she did. She appeared before him in the middle of the night. She wore a white dress and she looked exactly the same as how he remembered her. She smiled at him and she said that she was proud of him. But she wasn't real. She was a hallucination. She told him that he was special. She told him that he was going to save everyone. And so, he followed her orders. He started working for a company called 'The Institute'. He worked hard everyday. He saved money. He studied harder than everyone else. He dedicated everything he did to saving others. He became obsessed with helping them. And slowly, he started forgetting about Kiyori. He forgot about Yoko. He even started ignoring the voice inside of his head.

He became known as 'The Savior' among the employees. No matter what problem you brought to him, he could fix it. He solved every case faster than anyone else. He became famous. People started calling him "The Hero". His coworkers praised him. He became popular. He became rich. He became powerful.

But then, everything started falling apart. His boss fired him because he thought that he wasn't doing good enough work. A client filed a lawsuit against him because she claimed that he ruined her business. His girlfriend dumped him because she said that he wasn't paying attention to her. His best friend betrayed him because he said that he was tired of being compared to him.

His world crumbled around him. Everything he built up was destroyed. He lost everything. Even though he tried to ignore Kiyori's words, they continued echoing in his mind. He began hearing voices whispering:

You are not special. You don't deserve your power. Go back where you came from. Your world is fake.

Thus, he returned home. He then looked in the mirror. After a bit, he starts to ask himself, "Who am I really?", "Am I a part of this world?", "Is this life real?".

He looked out the window and saw that snowflakes were floating outside. It reminded him of the first time he met Kiyori when she kissed him on New Year's Eve in elementary school. He thought about her smile and her kindness. He felt that he was losing control. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He started to think that maybe, just maybe, everything was connected. Maybe he wasn't alone.

But he wasn't part of that world. All the people he met were fake. The world he lives in is fake. He doesn't belong to this world. And now he knows it. He has to go somewhere. He needs to find out the truth. He wants to meet someone who can answer his questions.

So, he went to the park. He walked past the swings and the merry-go-round. He went to the bench and he laid down. And then he saw a girl sitting on the other side. She was wearing an old brown coat with a fur collar. She was reading a book. She seemed lonely, but she looked beautiful nonetheless. She was so pretty and she looked exactly the way Kiyori did when she was alive. But she was fake. He noticed that all that encircled him was fake. His life had nonsense and that was fault of Sayori. So he decided to destroy that fake world. He stood up and he yelled, "I will kill you!!". He pulled out his gun and he started shooting. He shot the girl. He couldn't bear to see her die. So he put his hand on her forehead and he pushed her off the ledge. And so, she fell down onto concrete. Her body broke into pieces.

Nozomu screamed in agony. He realized that he was the one responsible for killing her. Now, no one would be able to tell him what happened. He was trapped in his own illusion. He had to escape. And the only way to escape is to destroy this world.

"Who am I? Now I know the response. I am this world."

And with that, he turned his gun towards himself. He aimed it at his temple and he squeezed the trigger.