Oh Brother

My deepest secret and greatest sorrow.. my little brother Jaxson.

* * Tasha - Five Years Old * *

Today Mummy and Daddy sat me down and said that a baby was inside Mummy's tummy and that that baby would be my new brother or sister in about 7 months just in time for my sixth birthday! I can't wait to tell Lane at School tomorrow!

I don't know how long 7 months is but it sounds really far away! Having a real life baby to play with does sound like the best present ever so I can't wait!

I started thinking about my baby brother or sister. I don't want Mummy to hurt them like she hurts me. It's a secret though, we can't tell Daddy because he would get angry with Mummy and then he'd leave and I'd never see him again. I know that because Mummy told me.

I don't want Daddy to go, when Daddy's at home Mummy is so nice it's only when he's out that she gets scary. Mummy says that she loves me so much but that she isn't well that her brain is poorly and it makes her mean but when she gets better she won't do it anymore.

When she makes a cup of tea she will take the hot spoon and put it on my hand, it really hurts! Sometimes she pinches me with her nails but the worst is when she hits me, it hurts so bad!

I want Mummy to get better before my baby brother or sister comes home I don't want them to get hurt too! I'm their big sister, I have to look after them! I told Lane about Mummy. She got really sad and cried so I stopped talking about it. She said I should tell Daddy but I can't.

Daddy picks me up and squeezes me tight before kissing my head then he tells me he hopes he has another daughter as perfect as me because I'm his greatest love! I giggle because Daddy is so silly! Mummy looks angry I don't know why so I ask Daddy to put me down then run to my room. If I keep quiet maybe she'll forget about being angry because Daddy is going to work soon!

I hide under my bed and put my teddies around me so she can't see me. Daddy comes into my room to say goodbye and Mummy is with him so I have to leave my hiding spot! I pretend it was a surprise but Mummy is giving me her mean Mummy smile and my tummy hurts. I'm really scared.

Sometimes I think Mummy hates me and doesn't love me but I know it's because she's poorly. Daddy leaves for work and Mummy pulls my hair, dragging me back to my bedroom. I'm crying and she says she wasn't going to hurt me but because I'm crying now she has to hurt me. I close my eyes while she takes off her slipper and starts hitting my legs, arms and tummy. She never hits my face, she says she doesn't want Daddy to see.

After Mummy has finished being angry she tells me to clean myself up then go to bed with no dinner. Once I'm in clean pyjamas I take my pillow and blanket and hide in the closet in my bedroom in case she comes in later.

I wake up suddenly, owie!! Mummy woke me up by kicking me in the tummy over and over - she found me in the closet! I'm screaming and crying but she doesn't stop! Then Mummy disappears and Daddy is there, scooping me up and taking me from the house.

Mummy chases Daddy down the stairs and out the front door crying, she says it's the baby making her crazy and that he can't leave. Daddy stops and looks at me, stroking my face gently he asks me if this is the only time Mummy ever hurt me. I don't want Daddy to leave so I say yes.

Daddy agrees to come home but says Mummy has to go and see someone - I don't know who. Mummy says ok and Daddy says he'll take me to Grannies and bring me home after she's been.

Daddy straps me in the car and we drive away, he tells me I'm his big brave girl and that I did nothing wrong and that I'm really good. I love my Daddy!

* * Tasha - Six Years Old * *

My Mummy had a boy so I have a baby brother! His name is Jaxson but I call him Jaxie! I love him so so much! Lane said she loves him too and comes round every day after school to see him! It's ok because she lives next door!

He is 3 months old today which means I'm 6 years old and 3 months because me and Jaxie have the same birthday!

Laney's Mummy just called her home and she cried she wants to stay with Jaxie and is so jealous I get to be with Jaxie all the time! I told her she's my sister so he's her brother too and then she got really happy!

Daddy watched Mummy a lot after he took me to Grannies when he found her kicking me but she hasn't hit me again so I think she's all better! She only burns my hand and pinches me now!

I want to give Jaxie kisses and Daddy is home from work soon and then I have to share so I run back into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom but he's not in his cot! I hear the bath running and Mummy talking to Jaxson then Daddy shouting that he's home! I run downstairs and throw myself into Daddy's arms and tell him Jaxie is having a bath and we need to go help!

When Daddy opens the bathroom door I don't understand what's happening! Mummy is holding Jaxie under the water and he's very still and Daddy races to pull him out of the water, pushing my Mummy away. He wraps Jaxson in a towel then puts him on the bed and blows into his mouth.

Almost straight away Jaxie sicks up water and starts crying. Daddy scoops him up into his arms and holds him close and when I see Daddy crying I start crying too! I don't understand what happened but I think it was bad.

Daddy takes me and Jaxson to the hospital to have Jaxson checked over and he says Mummy needs to stay at the hospital for a while too but she'll come home when she's all better. He says that people are at our house now to get her and bring her to the hospital and that she won't be there when we go home.

Jaxson is okay and Daddy thanks God. The Doctors had been worried that his brain was hurt but he's fine he just needs to stay in the hospital for two nights and then come home. Daddy says they need to get a cot for him as he and I are staying too!

* * Tasha - Fifteen Years Old * *

I'm just home from school, walking up the drive, Laney by my side cracking jokes as always, when we hear the shouts. Breaking into a run I enter the house, Lane right behind me when one of the words being shouted filters in and I grab Lane, a finger to my lips, as we listen to my parents shout at each other.

We look at each other in growing horror as what is being said dawns on us. My Dad came home and found the house in a state and Jaxson missing - he was off sick from school today! Mum just keeps saying he's gone and he's not coming back and Dad is trying to figure out if she hurt him.

We hear sirens and soon there are police at the house and an ambulance. They ask about the time Mum was Sectioned for 72 hours after trying to drown Jaxon when he was 3 months old. Laney looks at me, I had never told her about that terrifying time, her lower lip trembling and we cling to each other whilst chaos continues around us.

* * Tasha - Twenty Years Old * *

My Mum was released from the Psychiatric Hospital a month ago. She'd been in there for the last five years. The Police concluded that Mum had killed Jaxson, possibly accidentally, and disposed of his.. remains.

She was found to be not in her right mind so she was sentenced to life in a Psychiatric Hospital however she appealed and has now been released as there was no evidence to conclusively prove that what the police said happened happened.

Today my mum remarried. A millionaire widower with a daughter around my age. She wrote a letter to me informing me, she said that she had received treatment in the hospital and was putting the past behind her and that she is a different person now and wants me in her life.

Dad never recovered from losing Jaxson and blamed himself. I tried to take that guilt away from him by admitting all the things Mum did to me and that if I hadn't hid it from him she wouldn't have been in our lives. If possible, I think that broke him more.

Lane, my Dad and me all agreed that talking about Jaxson was too painful so we agreed not to. I couldn't have a relationship with my Mum even if she had changed as it would hurt my Dad too much. Maybe one day I could think about befriending her.. it would be the only way for me to ever know what happened to Jaxson.

* * Tasha - Twenty Two Years Old * *

My Daddy died today, a stroke in his sleep. I wish I could join him. I feel utterly hopeless and devastated beyond measure. I feel like I'll never be happy again!

I wasted the opportunity to get close to my Mum and find out what happened to Jaxie so my Dad would have had some kind of closure before he died.. I have a purpose.. a reason to live on.. I need to find out what happened to Jaxson.

After my Dad's funeral.. after everything is sorted and calmed down.. I am going to reconnect with my mother. For my Dad and for Jaxson.