Odds and ends

"I know you said that he's probably going to bring bad news, but did you really need to take out a bomb?" Claud asked, staring at the little package in Lily's hand. Rectangular and coloured by an eye-catching red, the only way anyone would miss it would be if they were literally looking away from Lily.

"It's just some chocolate, really," Lily replied. "But I just repackaged it to look like a bomb. Do you think the others would freak out if I bring this into the mansion?"

"Do you really need to ask such a question?" Claud replied. "But they won't just freak out. They'll probably make a break for it, leaving you, me and a very confused Holy Son behind. And then they'll scold you afterwards and confiscate all your bomb-making supplies."

"Bah."

"Right?" Claud took the little package away from her. "Let's just eat it later, right before Holy Son Nero comes. I hear chocolate makes you happier, so it might help in lessening our depression when he inevitably talks about the bad, bad news."

"I have some more chocolate, so you can keep that," said Lily. "Remember to give me feedback later, okay?"

"Sure, will do!"

With that agreement set in stone, the two of them entered Moon Mansion. The first thing Claud noticed was Dia, who had returned to normal — her stern instructor's demeanour had given way to a blob-like person who was staring at a plate of fluffy pancakes.

Claud rubbed his eyes. The super-deformed version of Dia was clearly a product of his mind, since she looked quite normal, but the master thief could swear that for a moment, she had turned into some oddly adorable pet.

"Must be my imagination," Claud muttered.

"Did you say something?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. Dia's changed mode." Claud sat down at the table and inhaled deeply. "For a moment, I thought she looked like a toddler or something."

"A toddler, yelling at us?" Lily giggled.

Claud closed his eyes and tried to imagine a little child holding to a toy sword. "Yeah, that's one good mental image. She's been raised as a double from young, right? Just when did she start her training?"

"Four years old?"

Claud and Lily exchanged glances, and then shrugged.

"Still," said Lily, her voice quiet and conspirational, "she does kinda resemble a toddler now. The way she's staring at those fluffy pancakes…I mean, she doesn't really need to wait for everyone else, right? But she wants to. At the same time, she also wants to dig in badly. You can see the conflict in her eyes!"

"She's a nice person, that's for sure." Claud glanced at the pancakes. "And I think we should give a pay rise to the cook or something."

"Mister Chandler is a good cook, yes." Lily sniffed at the pancakes. "He also gave me good suggestions on my sweets."

"He gave you suggestions?" Claud curled the corners of his lips up and took a small, controlled breath. "That's good. That's good. A perennial desire to advance and improve is mandatory to the pursuit of perfection. I look forward to your marvellous creations."

"…You're speaking oddly," Lily noted.

"T-the pursuit of perfection is a passion of mine, yeah," Claud replied. "Tis natural that I speak with due eloquence and grace 'pon this matter."

Lily giggled. "You sound like some wannabe noble now."

"Gotta pick up these little habits, right?" Claud replied with a wink. "Learning to adapt to any situation is a strong point of mine, but it also does help in impressing people. If you act like a noble and behave as such, under certain circumstances, you will enjoy some advantages."

He continued to act out some more personas, ranging from a street bard — regretfully, he had no talent in singing — to a up-and-coming businessman, turning breakfast into an impromptu comedy show for Lily, Dia and the others, who were trickling in slowly.

Once he was done, Claud settled back onto his seat. "Tada. I hope you enjoyed my performance."

"Oh yeah, I sure did," said Schwarz, who had arrived halfway into Claud's performance of a man who had been scammed of his life savings. "Hmm. As I recall, you once entered Triple-D by trying to pass off as a cleanliness inspector, right?"

"Eh?"

"Yeah, now that I think about it. You must have learned it by watching the inspectors…and then you had the gall to demand a bribe from me," said Schwarz. "If I wasn't acutely familiar with your mannerisms, I really would have fallen for it."

"Oh, right." Claud chuckled. "Man, you were shivering like a twig when I ran my hand across your counter. And you were the one who tried to bribe me, remember? I was just pulling your leg, and you pulled out lifestones!"

It was Schwarz's turn to let out a small noise. "Ehe."

"See?" Claud looked around at everyone. "His first reaction to an inspection is to bribe the inspector. What am I to say about that? Right?"

"Hey, you were the one who knocked out the real inspector and took his clothes," said Schwarz. "How am I supposed to know that you were a fake? You looked like the real deal!"

"You're a bartender, I'm not." Claud folded his arms. "You said you could recognise all your customers!"

"Which I did!"

"Only after offering a bribe!"

After poking fun at each other for a few more seconds, Claud laughed. "Well, there's a reason why no one goes to inspect Triple-D nowadays. Schwarz simply forces his best drink down their throat, and their schedule goes out of the window. To be honest, I think it's easier that way."

"Hey, I cleaned my bar counter a few days back."

"Hah, that's what you always…eh?" Claud blinked. "Sorry, can you repeat what you just said?"

"I said I cleaned my bar counter," Schwarz replied. "Rubbed off the ashen-grey coating and all."

Those words seemed to echo in Claud's mind over and over, like a bell that wouldn't stop ringing. For a moment, he couldn't quite comprehend the master's words, but…

"You…cleaned them?"

"Yeah, I did. While you were off grabbing your fizzy drinks, I got Dia to help me with cleaning the bar counter," Schwarz replied.

"Huh." Claud felt the smile on his face slip off, and then he nodded slowly. "Good. Excellent."

He looked at the others, who were unsurprisingly confused about the whole exchange, and then laughed. "Alright, let's just dig in first. Okay?"

The others exchanged knowing looks with each other, and then started to slice up their pancakes. The fluffy little darlings melted away the fatigue from the training earlier, and for a time, Claud found himself simply occupied in internalising the great chewiness in his mouth, shivering from the sweet syrup and the exquisite cream hidden inside.

After an indeterminate amount of time, Claud leaned back on his chair. "This is worth living for."

"Yeah…pay raise?"

"Pay raise." Claud agreed dreamily. "This was great. We should get him to do lunch and dinner too. Can he come full time? Where did you even poach him from anyway?"

"Oh, a nearby café. That's all, really," Schwarz replied. "Right, since we're on the topic of good food, let's just pour out some of my new creations. Apple juice blended with your fizzy drinks."

Everyone leaned forward at those words. Without a sound, the bartender took out his favourite golden cups and filled it up, but before he could distribute them to everyone else, a set of familiar chimes filled the air.

"A visitor…it must be Nero, then. Good timing." Schwarz placed the unlabelled bottle that contained his new creation down. "I'm going to receive him. You guys pick and choose a cup or something."

He sauntered out of the room.

"Well, looks like someone's happy. I imagine finding someone who actually has the qualifications to comment on Schwarz's drinks is a really rare phenomenon," said Dia.

"Right?" Farah added. "Good for him, but he should still consider toning down the alcohol content. The way Holy Son Nero puts it, his drinks are actually great, but it's just that there's simply too much alcohol for us to taste it."

"I've been telling him that for years," Claud replied. "Nothing's changed. Nothing probably will change."

"Well, if we keep trying," said Lily, "we might just be able to convince him, right?"

Dia nodded. "He does have some not-so-alcoholic variants, but it's a shame that he keeps them to himself most of the time."

The five of them mourned over that fact, but barely three seconds into their little silent vigil, the door opened. Schwarz walked in with Holy Son Nero…as well as Holy Daughter Clarissa. The little cheerful atmosphere vanished immediately as Schwarz led the two inside dispassionately, his face one of granite.

Claud, who was watching their expressions closely, suddenly felt that Lily's suggestion earlier was a really great one.