They fall apart?... more like she fell o... Aight, I'll stop.
First off, I'm not really a huge fan of killing a character right from the get go... Who am I kidding? I even killed my character after seven chapters into my novel AHAHA
What I wanted to say is, this is an awesome oneshot. Really nice character descriptions, scenic progressions, and overall vibe of the story matches everything! How could you do that? ^o^
But, one thing I would change is using present tense in a book. It might not be hard since it's just a oneshot, but if ever you're planning to serialize this book, I suggest using past/ past perfect tense and then using present tense on your dialogues. That way, your readers would know the exact time frame of what's happening. It would also help you keep track of your verb usage better since you could just use past tense when you're not sure of it. With present tense, you have to decide whether to use present continuous, present tense, or present perfect. Which is a thousand times difficult than past tense.
But that's just a suggestion. It's your book and I had fun reading it. That's all that matters ^ ^
Keep it up, author-san! You'll make it big someday :)