Chapter 6

I told Cara. Told her all that happened at lunch, every ounce of despair was made apparent in my texts. I didn't explain the part about her or Akako, though. She was comforting, but I couldn't help but feel bad that I had thrown my junk onto her. As a last resort for her to not think I am weird, I text her, "if im being to much to handle just block me k?"

I waited a few minutes for her response which was obviously really comforting which made me feel a little happy. However, I was still guilty about telling her, so I didn't tell my parents or my sister that day. I didn't tell anyone at all.

The pain didn't heal, however. It still feels as bad as before a day later because I now have to suppress it.

A few hours of the day went by until lunch. My knees were shivering when I stepped into the room. I see Liem in the same spot we sat at every day since the school year started, looking a bit angry and quite tired. I sit next to him, not talking for the first few minutes; chewing my food as quietly as I could. Inevitably someone talks. Luckily it wasn't me.

"So," He says, finally looking up at me, acknowledging my existence.

"What's up," He continues, unimpressed at best.

"Nothin' really," I say, my mouth stuffed with bread.

"So, how's the whole thing?" He asked. I knew what it meant right away.

"Nothing really happened." I say. He looks at me with even less interest than before, almost pity now.

"I'm going to tell her soon." I say quickly. He nods, looking bored.

"Cool," He says, glancing back at me for a split second as he rips off the top of his chicken skewer with his mouth. We stay silent for a while. I nibble on my sandwich occasionally.

"Oh, by the way, what rank are you?" He asks. He's talking about the new game. I think about it.

"I think silver. You're gold, right?" I say quietly.

"U-huh. Gold." He says.

We go on for a while. Pausing for a few minutes, having a little chat, then repeating until the bell rang.

Our friendship isn't mended. However, it isn't in shambles. I guess I just got bumped down to acquaintances with him. That was manageable.

After that quite painful and uninteresting week, Friday rolled around. I was ecstatic because I was able to relax for a while. Around ten o'clock, Cara texts me. I, of course, immediately text back. I know it might be off putting for her, but who cares? She texts me back soon after. It went from ten o'clock to eleven o'clock to midnight. She was insisting that I crash for the day, however I made sure she knew I was staying. At that point she got tired and told me she had to go. We said bye and I closed my computer. I had a large smile overrunning my face. From that point on, I loved her more than anything in the world. Sure, before this I talked about liking her a lot but now it's at a point where I can't dismiss this as a mere crush, forget about us being "just friends." I haven't lived in anyone else's body, but I don't think there's many who experience a crush this big. A crush that you live for, devote your life for. When I slept that day, imagining Cara beside me, talking to me even later into the night, I knew. I knew that this was love. I could not deny it any longer. In fact, I thought that maybe it might be more than like, more than love, an amount of romantic appreciation not able to be defined by any language. I smiled as I drifted to sleep. I don't know if I'm the most or least lucky person in the world, but I don't care any longer.

The weekend proves itself very enjoyable. I was able to chat with Cara a few more times. Then, school starts.

Contrary to the enjoyable weekend, it was pretty mundane. I try to find Cara early in the morning before my classes started when she's usually at her locker but alas, I had not seen her. After the painstakingly boring morning, I go to find Liem for lunch.

"What's good, man?" I ask.

"Nothin'," He replies. We walk into the lunchroom together.

"Hey man, could you get me a fork?" He asks. I nod my head and walk back to get a fork for him.

When we both get seated on our table, I pass him his fork.

"Thanks," He says, opening his lunch box. I open mine. Pasta. I pop open the lid of my container only to realize that I don't have a fork. I storm back to the front of the room, snatch a fork, then bolt back.

"Bro, how'd you forget a fork? You were literally right there!" He says.

"I just- did. Dude, I don't know." I respond. Today, I decided to be very careful with my words because of our argument last week. I don't want to offend him again.

"So, how's the situation with- her." He says. Again, I know what he means.

"Fine. I haven't told her yet." It felt like telling my mom that I got an 82 on the test because regret surged in between every muscle in my body. He glared at my fast and I could have sworn that his light blue eyes started glowing bright red.

"Bro, why are you even waiting? Just tell her." He says. Unknown to him. It's not easy to break up with your girlfriend of three years and casually explain how you stumbled into cheating on her.

"I'll do it-" I pause. "...soon." I sigh. He still has his now dyed red eyes locked onto mine.

"Dude, I have not had a girl for all my life and you decide to take two? Sure I sound jealous but I would be so grateful for one girl you couldn't imagine. I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm just trying to influence you right. Tell her. Get it over with." He says.

"Alright," I sigh.

"I know it would not be easy, even for me, and knowing you it's probably worse." He paused. I honestly had no clue what he was saying.

"So, yeah." He says. We stay quiet for a while. I just keep thinking and thinking.

"Sorry, dude." I say quietly as I nibble on my pasta.

"It's chill. Anyway, wanna buy a snack?" He asked.

"Sure," I say. I feel like I deserve it. We walk into the room where they serve food in which there are two lines; one for burritos, one for pizza and then the burrito line splits into the daily special line. However, when we buy snacks, it doesn't really matter what line we are in because they all serve snacks. He walks up to one line and I follow. We usually go later than everyone else in hopes for there to be less of a line which is usually successful like today. We skid up to the register, punch our name in and get our favorite snacks. I usually feel guilty for doing this though since my mom doesn't really know about it. Once I remember my mom telling me to "act like a kid" and I consider getting these snacks "acting like a kid," so I eat them.

As I sit at the table and start to munch on my overpriced cookie, I sit quietly, thoughts dancing around my head so fast it might as well have been a circus.

"So, how's your music thing going?" He snickers.

"Good." I say, knowing that he's going to say some annoying remark as a follow-up.

"On Friday night news yet?" He starts cackling.

"I don't watch Friday night news, how would I know?" I say. He continues laughing.

"No, but really. Did you get out any new singles- or whatever?" He asks, this time getting a bit more serious even though he's still snickering.

"Nah. I'm working on this new album." I say.

"Yo wait! That's kinda sick, I ain't even gon' lie!" He says, now genuinely interested.

"I've made a bit of one song for it." I say.

"Nice. Could you send the file over to me today?" He asks. I nod.

"Anyway, how's your basketball thing going?" I say it with about how much enthusiasm he had when he heard I was making an album.

"Fine. I've been practicing a lot recently. We've been on a good win streak this season." He says eager for me to ask him another question. I sigh.

"How much is it?" I ask.

"Eleven!" He almost screams it out.

"Sheesh! That's sick!" I say.

We continue to chat the room up, getting louder and louder by the second. Our friendship has successfully but temporarily been mended. However, it becomes more apparent to me that I can't escape reality; I have to tell Akako at some point, whatever I decide to do.

After I get out of the class, it's math. I sit down and twirl my pencil around in my hand while talking quite loudly to my friends. The teacher sits at her chair for the first few minutes with nothing on the board. Soon enough, she walks up to the front of the class.

"Excuse me, students. I have caught wind of your loud talking and it is disrupting all my lessons. Please stand up from your seats. We are changing seats." She says. She's a relatively fine teacher. Never really mean. Never anything extraordinary.

I, disappointed with the realization that there's no chance I'm getting my friends near me, stands up and pushes in my chair.

The teacher starts pointing to chairs and calling out names. None of my friends are getting called. Maybe today's lucky! I think. However, that notion is immediately shot down when I see that I'm stuck in a table full of people I barely know. The class goes on as regular.

"Today, since seats have changed, we are doing a partner activity with the person sitting next to you." The teacher says. I swiftly turn next to me only to see Demi. I don't know her all that much. She's been in my school since maybe sixth grade yet I never engaged in conversation with her. I turn and look back at the teacher. As she talks about the rest of the activity and I start doodling, I soak up enough information to get a gist of the assignment. I do that a lot. I'll draw and the information just slams my brain, or most of it.

She lets us start working and I turn to the side.

"Hey," She says.

"Hi," I say sheepishly. She opens up her computer and I follow.

"Alright, how about we split the assignment. I'll get the first five paragraphs and you do the other four." I say.

"But I already started reading the first one," She says, looking back at me. I smile.

"My god, fine." I say. She giggles and I follow. I start to read and take notes. As I continue, it's almost like the devil version of me sits on my shoulder like how they do in cartoons. You like her, don't you? It says. I can imagine its cartoony face smirk. Oh, pushawww, I think. No way, I like her. Do I? I contemplate as I practically skim the words.

You do, definitely. It talks back. I groan. Demi looks at me. I look back at her. The devil starts laughing in my brain. Kiss he- I slam my head as I look away.

"You good?" She asks, looking back at her paper.

"Yeah," I say. I try to distract my brain.

"Are you done?" I continue. 

"Yup," She says.

"You?"

"Yeah," I respond, trying not to say too many words so as to not let my "devil" get more fuel. Throughout our conversation, I groan and squeal and bang my head against my notebook, hoping she doesn't notice. My head feels like it's actively trying to get away from itself, like there are two sides grabbing at each other's shirts and throwing each other around.

As we continue to the next part of the research, I continue to panic. Okay, let's let myself think! I can't even think with this running around my brain. However, that stops nothing. But- what- what about Cara- and Akako? I can't do this! I slam my head on my paper.

"Are you okay? You keep groaning and slamming your head!" She says.

"I'm fine. It's just- my brain can literally not operate right now." I chuckle. I'm not wrong, I think. I've barely gotten any of this new section done. I almost get surprised that I can finally distract myself. However, as expected, the comfort leaves quickly. My mind goes back into a war.

I barely make it out of the period and I go to free period. I sit there, egregiously annoyed. I constantly turn around to Cara just doodling or working. I start to sweat. Are you kidding? Am I really into three people? This is nuts! It was bad enough! I sit around, trying to get some work done when I hear footsteps come closer and closer to me.