The Husband Hunting Sickness
Ṣeyi and Akin managed to get back into the village of Ilu-inọ moments before the evening practice. As soon as they reached the village square where all the other Ẹṣọs were patiently waiting for the Osi-Balogun, he shouted at the top of his lungs to attract the attention of all the other warriors.
"I Oluṣeyi the killer of Agbako has arrived," he boomed
"Haaa!!"The boys cheered as for the girls they all "hissed" and flapped their eyelashes in a funny way.
According to the Yoruba culture, a man who has achieved great feats is usually addressed by his accomplishments. Such acts of bravery are usually attached to the name of an Ẹṣọ, his or her Oriki or name of praise then gets longer with every new event in life. Now, most of Ṣeyi's friends are now addressing him as "Ṣeyi the killer of Agbako" because that was an important moment in his life and if he should achieve some other great feat then that would also be included in his name as well. Chanting a person's Oriki is like narrating the story of that person's life, of course, the Oriki can be time-consuming. Ṣeyi once met a man whose Oriki was 3 hours long.
"Ṣeyi! where have you been?" Kenny demanded, "We've been looking for you all over the village, or did you run off without me again?"
"Us! Run, never" Ṣeyi replied
"Then why weren't you in the village?" Bọlaji asked another friend of Ṣeyi inquired
"Eeeeee!" Ṣeyi exclaimed, uncomfortably Bọlaji has the unique talent of figuring out what Ṣeyi's always thinking, "Akin was hungry"
"How much did you make?" Bọlaji voiced
"Wow! Bọlaji, how did you know that Ṣeyi and I went out to cheat people of their money?" Akin inquired
"Akin!!" Ṣeyi yelled indignantly,
"As usual, always planting the seeds of mischief," Bọlaji said in a third tone
"And they had all that fun without me" Kenny lamented
"Sorry Kenny," Ṣeyi said without feeling a little bit sorry
Kenny is a boy about Ṣeyi's age; they could even be age mates. The day Ṣeyi boldly issued out his challenge to all the other boys of the village after his first mission, he made many friends and Kenny was one of them. Kenny started like all the other children not liking to be anywhere near the two friends, but on hearing about the exciting experiences of both Ṣeyi and Akin had given him a change of heart. The Experiences of Ṣeyi and Akin meets his own definition of fun, hearing how Ṣeyi and Akin get into and then out of trouble again, simply defies the imagination and the only thing that he desires in his heart is to be with them during those trying moments and go through those same experiences. Too bad, he has three heartbreaking factors that prevent him from making his dream a reality, first of all, his family, they have a strange inclination of thinking he is an errand boy, sending him from one place to another without any thought of how he feels. Secondly the condition of his body, according to the chief priest who examined his body a few seasons ago, he lacks the ability to mould Agbara like all the other Ẹṣọs and for that reason, he finds it difficult to keep up with the other Ẹṣọs during practice. He is constantly insulted and humiliated because of his shortcomings, but he still struggles because his primary goal is to become a true warrior in Yoruba land. For this reason, he trains night and day pushing his feeble body to its absolute limit in order to achieve his goals. His greatest fear is the Balogun, he fears the day she tells him to his face that he is not good enough to be a warrior, the thought of that still sends shivers down his spine; he does not want to be sent away before he even gets the chance to prove himself. Finally, his older sister the most annoying girl in the world who acts as a spy on behalf of his parents, reporting his every action and controlling his every move. It is as if they are choking the very life out of him.
Ṣeyi's opinion of Kenny can be described in one word "pest!" He considers Kenny a liability, he has the deep suspicion that Kenny is trying to steal Akin for himself, and he does not intend to share his best friend with anyone.
"Ṣeyi I heard that the Balogun has started giving you minor Iṣẹs," Lekan said
"Yes!" Ṣeyi acknowledge, "She has, but those missions are just a waste of time" he replied
"At least you have a mission where you are allowed to digest free food," Lekan observed, "I pray the Balogun sends me on a mission like that. I'll be the happiest warrior ever"
"And the laziest" Ṣeyi concluded
Actually, Ṣeyi and Akin are the only ones best qualified to perform the Iṣẹ, which is also a common traditional practice in Yoruba land. It deals with payment of debts; most Yoruba men are quite good at borrowing money, but not too inclined at paying back, hence the need to use excessive methods in persuading a stubborn debtor to pay his dues. It starts with an official report from an aggrieved member of the village who feels cheated because someone refuses to pay back a debt owed. The moment the local Ọba receives this news, he sends the creditor to the Balogun, who in turn takes action by sending two able-bodied Ẹṣọs to inform the debtor about the action taken. If the debtor still refuses to pay, his depths, then the warriors are allowed to live with the offender announcing to his shame how he refuses to pay all his debt. The two Ẹṣọs are supposed to eat from the supplies of the debtor and if he refuses to feed them, they have the right to visit his farm and harvest some of his prized crops. So Ṣeyi and Akin are tasked with the burden of visiting such debtors, filling Akin's bottomless stomach with all the yams in the debtor's barn that is if they stay long enough to cook at least one tuber of yam. The last victim, they visited screamed the moment he laid eyes on them, without even giving them a greeting the foolish man ran off towards his creditor's home in order to pay his debt and then straight off to the Ọba in order to call off the two boys before they do any damage to his personal belongings. The most stubborn debtor was a man known as Baba Lahun a greedy Ijebu man who owes so many people that it is beyond count. He was one of the few not intimidated by the sight of Ṣeyi and Akin, that is until he was made a poor man by Akin's formidable digestion, 70 tubers of yam vanished in a heartbeat.
Ṣodipọ walked into the village square surrounded by 15 girls, all of whom were competing for his absolute attention, Ṣodipọ ignored them all, with all the pride he had in his possession yet secretly enjoying the attention. All the other boys looked on in jealousy, offended by the fact that Ṣodipọ enjoys belittling everyone about him, spitting on them mentally because he is the hair of the head of the Alaramide tribe.
Ṣeyi naturally ignored Ṣodipọ's actions and remains oblivious to the fact that Ṣodipọ is actually making a show of his dominant personality, plus he is not ready for marriage yet, all he wants is to enjoy himself with all his friends
"Why are they following him like a pack of loyal dogs?" Lekan growled
"The husband-hunting sickness" Akin replied reflexively
"The what?" Kenny inquired in a confused tone.
"The husband-hunting sickness" Ṣeyi smiled
The husband-hunting sickness, Ṣeyi's unofficial theory about why females act the way they do. It is his observation on what happens or to better explain it, the emotional reaction of females starting from the age of 14. In Ṣeyi's opinion, the moment a female reaches the age of 12 seasons her body starts to go through the usual changes. It starts with the enlargement of certain organs of her body, which allows her to possess a far more appealing image of herself, a far more seductive appearance. Then a specific question dominates her mind, "who will I marry" in such a case the women become the predator and men their prey. Primary targets: Sons of rich chiefs and titleholders, famous Ẹṣọs, tribal heads and young princes. Ṣeyi classifies them into three stages
Seasons 14 – 21: these ones desire the wealthiest men in society. In the first stage, the female is in the peak of her beauty and she believes that only a prince or someone worthy of her beauty may have her. 'Only money can buy a wife.'
Seasons 22 – 30: In this stage, the female's desire men who are financially stable "the hopeful stage," the girl starts to realise that her beauty is at its limits, any good man with enough money is allowed to marry her, that is if her parents have not given her out in marriage already. She will not even mind becoming the second wife.
Seasons 30 and above: "the desperate stage" desired men, any man whatsoever, even if he is a beggar as long as he is willing to marry her. In this stage, the so-called beauty that they once held in high esteem has suddenly faded away like the bloom of a flower, as long as he's a man they will beg for the wedding.
For Ṣeyi, there is no such thing as love; the only thing a woman loves is money, fame and fortune. There is no such thing as a woman who is virtuous in her heart. The principle, of course, does not apply to all the women that Ṣeyi has met, there are some who are resistant to the theory as it is, the Balogun, for instance, is above the idea, Amina as well is also above the idea and several other females
"The husband-hunting sickness" Akin concluded
"Hmmm!" Lekan sighed in understanding "very observant of you, but right now I have no intention of watching skinhead flirt with all the girls of this village"
"So, Ṣeyi what sinister idea do you have brewing?" Bọlaji inquired "I know you have the seed of mischief growing in your heart"
Lekan unlike all the other young Ẹṣọs of the village has a very high level of respect for Ṣeyi, not because of his cunning, but because of the way, he applies it and judging from the wicked grin on Ṣeyi's face his analysis of the situation is not far from the point.
"Five beads say that skinhead (Ṣodipọ) will impregnate Rẹmi first" Ṣeyi shouted
"Five beads says that Nike will be the first one with the ripe belly," Lekan added with a wicked smile
"Five beads says that Funkẹ will be the pregnant one," Kenny added
And so on and so forth, Ṣodipọ was not too happy about being the centre of ridicule, especially when all the other Ẹṣọs who were not participating in the bet are too busy laughing at the irony. No one is supposed to laugh at the head of the Alaramide tribe, it is just not proper. "Ṣeyi!" He growled how he would love to face Ṣeyi in a life and death battle, unfortunately, none of the other boys would have supported this decision. Ṣeyi has come a long way in two seasons, now he has the support of all the male Ẹṣọs of his age group and a few of the older ones. "I will put him in his place" Ṣodipọ growled.
"Ṣeyi" Ṣodipọ shouted the moment he walked up to Ṣeyi "you had better be careful or else the claws of the Lion tribe will strike you down," he gritted maliciously "Awitẹlẹnii je ọmọ mi gbọẹna (a previous warning makes a child obey a simple sign)"
Ṣeyi smiled at Ṣodipọ's rebuke, it is a habit that he has adopted a few moons ago. To prove that he is wiser than everyone about him, he uses the parable of the elders. Ṣeyi chuckled, the fool, most of those parables are beyond Ṣodipọ's own understanding and when used against someone like Ṣeyi, a boy who spent the very first years of his life living with a wise old Ifa priest, Ṣodipọ's wisdom equals nothing.
"A-ri-tẹni-mọ-ọ-wi, a-fi-apadi-bo-tirẹ-mọlẹ (he who proclaims the fault of others, hides his own under the earthen cover)" Ṣeyi replied
With those words, all the boys and even some of the girls started laughing at Ṣodipọ having an understanding of the proverb. Ṣeyi had succeeded in making Ṣodipọ look like a complete fool and that's why he snapped; he just reacted from pure rage. Summoning all the Agbara that burned within him, without caring about who would oppose him, he attacked. The very thing that fuelled Ṣodipọ's rage, the wicked-looking smirk on Ṣeyi's face, banishing all his fears and concentrating all his strength in that one killer stroke, he shouted in defiance the only word that sums up all his hate "die!"
It is true that Ṣodipọ is far better at chanting than Ṣeyi, and he is a more experienced close range combatant thanks to his uncle. The one thing Ṣodipọ failed to put into account is the fact that Ṣeyi is now backed by a host of faithful friends all of whom are ready to stand up in his defence especially in a life and death situation. Two years ago, they would not have supported him, but now the circumstances are in Ṣeyi's favour.
Ṣodipọ had always hated Ṣeyi, right from the beginning the moment their paths crossed. He has always considered himself the best of all the Ẹṣọs and the future of the village, one who should be respected by all. Then one cursed child from the shrine has the guts to insult him for no reason, a crime punishable by death. Death is a befitting punishment for the one foolish enough to drag the name of the Alaramide tribe in the mud.
"Why?" Ṣodipọ thought "why does he have favour in the eyes of the Balogun, the only person the Balogun should acknowledge is me!" He must put his new-found skills of tests, in anger he launched his attack against the source of his frustration. With the full intention of killing his opponent, Ṣodipọ attacked using his signature move scorpion sting he shouted
But Ṣodipọ attacked too soon Lekan drew Ṣeyi away from the receiving end of the attack, while his best friend launched a counter-attack striking Ṣodipọ who was trying to adjust his manoeuvre in reaction to the strong defence presented before him, Akin scored his blow, striking him viciously in his chest. The blow had such an impact that it sent Ṣodipọ sailing through the air and back into the arms of all his young lovers. At that exact moment, anyone who laid an eye on Akin's face would see a stranger, a bloodthirsty stranger.
The kind of monster Akin can become whenever anyone he cares about is in any immediate danger. "karawun Ṣeyi" (the shell of Ṣeyi) a title the Ifa priest once gave him because of his desire to sacrifice himself for his best friend.
"What is going on here?" The Osi-Balogun said as he arrived "please don't tell me you're fighting"
"Ṣodipọ started it!" Afọlabi said, "He wanted to use his chant on Ṣeyi"
"I see," Osi responded, "Ṣodipọ is this true?"
"He is beneath us, he has no tribe and therefore he is not one of us," Ṣodipọ growled "a bastard, he and that hunchback" he replied
He had blood running from his nose some bruises on his face, and even if he has some broken ribs, he has no intention of telling anybody. He fixed his malicious eyes on Akin, gazing upon him the same way a superior would look upon an inferior. "Who is this boy that thinks he can lay his hands upon an Alaramide member!" Now it seems like Ṣeyi is far from his mind, the real enemy now is Akin the hunchback.
"I see..." The Osi said and would have continued, but Akin's rage still burned uncontrollably
"If you ever try to hurt Ṣeyi again" He shouted, "I will kill you with my own hands!"
"You a common slave dares to..." Ṣodipọ snapped
"Shut up!!" Ṣeyi snapped
"Ṣeyi!! ..." Ṣodipọ boomed
"Skinhead! Be quiet!" Ṣeyi said finally getting every body attention "don't you have respect, the Osi is about to address us,"
"Ṣeyi," Ṣodipọ growled again, more to himself than to anyone else in particular
The Osi smiled Ṣeyi did have a certain charismatic personality; he simply hides it behind all his childish mischievous nature. Ṣodipọ sat down in his customary seat swallowing his anger and almost immediately all the females began their usual argument about who has more privileges to sit next to the prince of the Alaramide tribe. The other boys under the Osi's watch sat down silently under the tree, anxiously waiting for the Osi to say something.
"First of all, Ṣodipo don't ever use your chants on your comrade or any other member of this village again," he scolded
"He insulted me!" Ṣodipo defended
The Osi gave Ṣodipọ a sceptical look "let everyone who was insulted by Ṣeyi at one time or another raise their hand" The Osi commanded, and in reply, everyone raised their hands to Ṣeyi's dismay "you see Ṣodipọ, Ṣeyi insults everyone. As a warrior of Oduduwa, you must get used to Ṣeyi no matter how fowl his mouth can become"
"I don't have a foul mouth!" Ṣeyi protested
"Shut up" the Osi replied, everybody, laughed including Ṣeyi
"Ṣeyi must learn to change" Ṣodipọ growled
"If Ṣodipọ was ever rude to you at one time or another please raise up your hands" and in reply, everyone raised their hands, some even raised both hands in order to communicate their grievances about the issue. "As you can see Ṣodipọ everyone's against you, perhaps you should learn to change" and this time everybody laughed again.
"Now I have good news for some of you," he said in a business-like tone, leaving Ṣodipọ to think about his actions
"What is it Osi? Please tell us," Nikẹ demanded anxiously
"The village elders met yesterday evening and they have agreed to promote the best amongst you to the rank of Ẹṣọs of Ilu-inọ" the place exploded with the cheers of all the candidates who had been patiently waiting for a big break "remember only the best of you," he said trying to calm down their excitement
"For now these are the names of those who are to report to the shrine of Ifa immediately after the market day," the Osi said and then he started calling out the names of all those chosen for the rank of Ẹṣọ except for Oluṣeyi, Akin, Kayode, Kenny and Modupẹ. He dismissed all the young warriors promising that the evening practice would continue the next day. For a brief moment, Ṣeyi passed through a shocking pain at not hearing his name called despite the fact that he knows that he is more than worthy but he vanished the uneasiness by convincing himself that the Osi-Balogun forgot, that's all.
The only few who remained to speak with the Osi were the ones he had hoped to have a word with Oluṣeyi, Akin, Kayọde, Kenny and Modupẹ
"You forgot to call our names" Ṣeyi snapped in defiance
"No, I didn't" the Osi replied, "The four of you did not qualify"
"But..." Akin said, trying to control the lump in his throat
"Ṣeyi how many chants do you know" the Osi inquired
"I know three chants," Akin said in an excited tone
"Only one of you is prepared for a battle, the other four are nothing but weaklings. Ṣeyi, Modupẹ, Kayode and Kenny the minimum requirement for the entrance into Oduduwa's legacy is one chant. Akin has three and the rest of you have none"
"You will make us Ẹṣọs," Ṣeyi said in desperation
"All the other young hopefuls are going to receive their covenant oath after they are acknowledged into a warrior group and from all indications the Jagunas will not accept you if you cannot prove yourselves. Only if the three of you can present a chant to me before the next market day, will I be able to recommend you to each Jaguna" the Osi said in agreement
"Agreed," Ṣeyi said, "We will not fail" the Osi smiled again
If only Ṣeyi knew that the Osi-Balogun intends to make them all warriors, he simply wants to ensure that they all meet up to the Balogun's expectations. He decided to push them into training by presenting them with the probability of failure, hence, force them to practice on their own. He thought hopefully that by the next market day there will be positive changes.
"Well, it seems like we have a lot of work to do," Ṣeyi said as he watched their mentor walk away
"It seems so," Kenny observed.
"What will you do Ṣeyi?" Akin inquired.
"Kenny, you meet your parents, Modupẹ your mother," Ṣeyi said "Kayode go and visit your father as well"
"And you Ṣeyi?" Modupẹ inquired
"Me, don't worry, I'm the best I'll find a chant as easily as finding a grain of sand" Ṣeyi growled though he said this more to convince himself than the others, he had no one to teach him any powerful chant.
Then he ran off to his house, leaving all his friends behind for the day. He felt the weight of failure rubbing its ugly face at him, how is he going to present a chant to the Osi before the next market day. All he knows is the Ẹṣọ basic chants, but now he needs a complex chant, market day is only 5 days away and he must start his search early the next morning if he intends to succeed.