I am no longer helpless

My heart was racing as I woke with a start, my clothes sticky with cold sweat. Reality mixed with nightmare in a terrifying whirlwind, and I hurried to my bedside table, a single thought obsessing my foggy mind: sleeping pills.

-Why do I still dream about this?, I sighed boredly 

My trembling fingers grabbed the bottle, tipping it over frantically to knock out the precious pills. I tried in vain to swallow them dry but I choked under their acrid bitterness.

I sighed in frustration, my throat burning from the wasted effort. 

-Damn moment of weakness, I muttered in a low voice 

Resigned, I got up to get a glass of water, my heavy footsteps echoing in the stifling silence of the night.

The cool liquid soothed my scratchy throat as my fingers brushed the smooth edges of the glass trying to seek some comfort. I threw more sleeping pills into my mouth, swallowing them with a resolute gesture, before returning to huddle under the sheets, feverishly awaiting the restful sleep that was slow to come.

In the peaceful darkness of my room, I waited, breathing calmly. I refused to be a prisoner of old memories, of useless nightmares that gripped my mind like an implacable vice.

-God I know this year I wasn't nice to others...ok maybe all the other years too. But I would really like to ask for your help and I apologize for saying that I will be an atheist because I prayed to the god of hell and he didn't answer me, amen.

Maybe I shouldn't have added the last sentence, I thought, thinking.

As the minutes passed, an insidious thought intruded into my thoughts. I began to contemplate who I was, what I had become. An amused smile appeared on my lips, tinged with a touch of narcissism. After all, why should I change? I loved myself as I was.

I laughed, letting out a laugh tinged with biting irony. The devil himself, that's what I was. 

And didn't the devil have the right, even the duty, to love himself? 

The faint buzz of my phone, lying carelessly next to me, pulled me from my dark thoughts. A predatory smile stretched my lips as I imagined the impatient messages from Nyx and Rhea, thirsty for gossip and scandal.

With apparent calm, I took the phone in hand, relishing the idea of how my dear friends would react upon learning of the tumultuous events at Lorenzo's. Their insatiable curiosity was just a reflection of my own thirst for power and control.

I opened the messages nonchalantly, suppressing a cynical laugh as I read their message.

Nyx: Girl, are you still alive?!

Rhea: hurry up and answer if you don't want to be strangled tomorrow...

Nyx: Come on girl tell it quickly 

Rhea: Yeah how was her brother and her parents 

Me: I'll tell you tomorrow 

With a satisfied air, I put my phone down, waiting with delicious anticipation for the reactions that were sure to follow.

So, in the enveloping darkness of the night, I lulled myself with the assurance that nothing and no one could alter my self-esteem, for after all, I am the master of my own kingdom, and in this kingdom, only my judgment matters.